To the Bridesmaid Farthest From Me

We have all been, or known, someone who was the bridesmaid standing the farthest away from the bride during the entire wedding - first person to walk in, last to walk out... and probably sees nothing but the back of a veil the entire wedding ceremony... we all know that usually the physical distance away from the bride on stage has a direct correlation to the closeness of the friendship between the bride and that bridesmaid.  I'm not sure anyone ever has come right out and said that before, but let's face it... it is usually the absolute truth.

In my wedding the same was true, but perhaps even more so because I had followed some advice from a mentor that I now see as incredible truth and accountability for my marriage... not just my wedding!  This mentor encouraged Kyle and I to not do the usual and choose friends from our past, but to choose friends for our future, to be in the wedding party.  He said for us to have people on that stage who understood they were there to help keep us accountable to the vows we were making to each other.  These needed to be people who would be living life alongside us, not just people we had fond memories of.

In most weddings, you see old friends flying in from wherever else because she and the bride were best friends in elementary school or cheer camp, etc.  I really only followed our mentor's advice, at first, because it helped me solve a major problem.  I grew up in a close-knit group of about 7-9 girls that were very close... and I had been in most of their weddings!  I felt like I should repay the favor, but I did not know how I was going to choose my sister, plus my current best friend, and then somehow ask all or just a few of those 7-9 girls... without hurting feelings, going financially broke paying for their dresses, and not clutter the stage during the wedding.

So, Kyle and I picked a number based on the number of people attending the wedding (1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen per 75 people attending the wedding, I think the usual is per 50 attenders).  Then we had to decide who those 4 people on stage for each of us were going to be.  I chose not to ask anyone with kids, because being a bridesmaid is a lot of work.  Showers to throw, bachelorette to plan, the day of getting ready and pictures... that would be a lot for a mom to sacrifice the time, money, and energy toward.  The first 3 were very easy to choose - my sister, my current best friend, and my aunt (who was more like a sister).  But with only one more spot left to fill, I thought about our mentor's advice... and I picked my friend, Cassy.  Granted, we hadn't known each other very long, but we had gotten to know each other more and more ever since I had started dating Kyle.  See, Cassy is married to Kyle's best friend, Matt.  The more I got to know her, the more I really liked how honest, down to earth, and fun she was.  And since her husband was my husband-to-be's best friend, I figured she would be the perfect person to fill that role, who would be in my life, and perhaps would call me out if I wasn't being the wife I promised to be.

It is funny how as life changes, we do too.  We don't mean to, we just constantly adjust to make room for the things that come along and say goodbye to things, and people, that just don't fit anymore.  And then for the same life changes, others come into your life and encourage you in ways you had never planned.  I figured we would be spending quite a bit of time with Matt and Cassy, and we sometimes did when they lived in the same town as us... but I find that we have made more of an effort to see them much more since they moved away than we ever did when they were 5 minutes away!  I think it was one of those "you don't know what you have until it is gone" kind of things.

It is funny that as they have moved to Texas and then Tulsa... my friendship with Cassy has grown in a way that I never would have guessed.  It seems like we got closer after they moved away, even though our lives got busier too.  Usually distance and busyness would ruin friendships that weren't that strong to begin with, but perhaps it was the milestones of our lives that brought us closer as friends.  We had kids!  And we drove down to Dallas as soon as we could to see them when Cassy had their first daughter.  Then Cassy drove up to see us and take our daughter's newborn photos less than 2 weeks after she was born!  We made it just in time to the hospital with their second daughter as they were packing up to go home... so we just went to their house and hung out for the rest of the day!  And they didn't care!  Most people would need quiet and wouldn't want visitors - we knew they loved us when they opened their home to their newly-born daughter and us on the same day!  Then they came and brought their girls to see our son when he was born... and we have been to every birthday party in between, and we usually spend New Years Eve hanging out with them!

Back when I wasn't even dating Kyle yet... I think this was at a wedding I crashed and hung out with her, Matt, and Kyle the rest of the day!

The guys trying to figure out the nose-sucker on Matt and Cassy's first baby!

My daughter pulled up to a standing position for the first time at Matt and Cassy's house!

Our friends came from Tulsa to see our son when he was born!

I was thinking through this a couple of weekends ago when Matt and Cassy and their girls came to spend the weekend here in Tahlequah.  She was going to shoot my family's photos AGAIN, and none of us were okay with the idea of them just coming to town for a few hours.  So it was our turn to host the usual fun weekends we have with them - we watch our kids play together, eat good food, and then "visit" - ya know what old people call sitting around and talking.  We often joke about how we thought our parents were so boring for just wanting to sit and talk with their friends when we were growing up... but here we are doing the exact same thing!

It is odd how when some people become married or parents, your friendships just aren't the same with them anymore.  Maybe because they are consumed with their new relationship, jobs, new friends, or perhaps your philosophies for parenting or other major life happenings are too different to reconcile.  I feel like Matt and Cassy have become our closest "couple friends", not because of how often we see them or because they live nearby.  We actually don't see each other that often, but when we go see them, I already know we are going to 1) stay up late, so late that we hate ourselves the next morning, 2) talk and laugh the whole time 3) usually about religion and politics!  And we even disagree on issues at times, but I never find myself bored, and we never actually get angry or argue!  We have disagreed on some pretty hot topics that have people all-caps shouting and cursing at each other on the internet... and yet, I couldn't respect Matt and Cassy more, even though we may not agree and have even had some debates.  They are real people who are trying to follow Christ and raise a family the best they can... and they are really having to think through and be intentional to do it right.  We understand the same struggles to strive for a goal, depend on Christ's grace and mercy through it all, and somehow fight for balance.

We may disagree or react differently to a few things, but for the most part we share the same core values.  We are followers of Christ and try to live by His Word.  We share beliefs that affect how we parent, entertain, spend money, and how we spend our time.  It is amazing to know that when we are hanging out with them, I know they are not judging us or questioning certain things we say and do, because they probably do something similar.  And it isn't just the sameness that is encouraging, but there are things they do as a couple and family that we admire and are inspired to do better in, because we see their example.  It is amazing to know that when we spend time with them, even if our kids are running around like crazy, I can truly relax!  Cassy doesn't care what we drove there in, what I am wearing, that my kids are loud, or that I have chosen to send my daughter to the local public school instead of homeschooling.  She isn't going to wince that I have Cheetos in my cabinets, even though she would never feed those to her kids, if given the choice.

As we were laughing and talking about the thrilling topics of government, church community groups, church planting, etc... the time flew by, and I was so thankful that God brought them into our lives!  I sat there engaged in conversation with heavy, tired eyes, but my spirit was very alive.  'How rare and blessed to find friends such as these' is all I could think to myself.  And I hope I never take that for granted.  So many times women can't stand their husbands' friends, and especially not their wives... I am grateful that in many cases, my hubby's friends and their wives have become mine as well... and especially with Matt and Cassy.

So even though she was the furthest (yes, I switched it on purpose) away from me at my wedding, and I was probably closer to several other friends who were sitting out in the audience at that time... I can honestly say that she is now one of my dearest friends.  I respect her not only as my friend, but she is a great wife, mother, and follower of Christ!  I have been challenged, encouraged, and comforted having her for a friend.  And as a professional photographer, I am thankful that even though she isn't IN any of the photos that hang in my home... I can look around my living room, hallways, and the bedrooms of our home, and she really is in all of these pictures of the people I love the most, because she captured them so I could treasure them always!

I promise, I had already started this blog topic, Cassy, before today.  But I thought what better day to publish it than on your birthday!  Ya know, it was only a few weeks ago that I realized we are both August babies who married January-born men... weird!  Thanks for being my friend, for giving me a hard time about having to be invited before I go somewhere, and for being you!

Happy birthday!

Questions for 4 Months, Answers Tomorrow

Hello, dear reader.  Please forgive me for my silence.  I have had a fun summer, activities-wise, but I have spent a lot of time trying to discern what God's plan is for me and my family... not my plan (which, let me tell you was a pretty good one), but HIS!

In my last blog post, I spelled out some plans my husband and I made at the beginning of 2016 with the next several years in mind.  Toward the end of that post, I wrote this:

But we... agree that our plans are just that - plans.  Tentative plans.  Plans made by human minds with finite understanding of the big picture that God is weaving together.  With school budgets the way they are currently, I may not find a teaching job at all.  And if that is the case, God will give us children in His timing, and He will continue to provide for bills He has given us - just as He has time and time again in the past.  There have been times in the past that money was just handed to us for no reason, sometimes by secret-givers.  There have been times when extra jobs became available, and we were able to earn some money for a special need.  There are other ways of paying for adoptions... there are other types of adoption that cost a lot less or practically nothing at all too.  The point is, God is still God.  This world is still His creation.  I am a steward, not an owner.  I am the servant, not the Master.  I only control my obedience, not the journey or outcome of any of this...And we keep reminding each other months later that however it works out, we are open.  We have a plan held out in flat hands for God to shape into mirror-images of His plans... or to make it easier for our hearts if He snatches our plans out of grasp.  He is the Lord, and He has every right to "exercise His will over our lives".

It is very interesting how I ended that post, especially since as I wrote it, I also very much believed that we had landed on THE PLAN.  In theory, I always know that God can change my plans, but when it happens for real, it is a very confusing time for me.

In fact, I spent a lot of time saying things like this over the summer, "It seems like God is confused."  or "It seems like God is one of those bad songwriters that just makes up the song as he goes."

I am always sure to say "seems", because that is exactly what it is... I am experiencing feelings that are NOT truth.  The truth is that God has had a plan that includes major details, like the universe and governments and The Great Awakening... down to the minute details like whatever color Eve's hair was and why I have wide ankles.  He knows it all, because He put it all there, or allowed it to happen.  And if it seems He keeps changing things on me or that things don't go together, then I need to wait for HIS answers to my questions... because He doesn't change and "all things work together".

So what happened, you ask?  Well, as I described in my last post, my husband and I had made plans for me to go back to work full-time for this 2016-2017 school year.  My old job was available again, I would only have one child in childcare, and we wanted to start saving money for future kids.  So I applied, interviewed, and waited.  And waited.  They said they would call by the end of the week, but it had been 3 weeks... and they had done more interviews.  I started to naturally make a back-up plan... but that turned into questioning the whole thing.  I found myself asking God to take me back to drawing board, without any plans of my own, to see what He really wanted me to do with my time during this season of our lives...

And what I felt like God telling me was, 'Don't go back to full-time work.  Enjoy your young children.  And trust Me to provide for whatever future children I bring you."

So Kyle, my husband, and I went to breakfast alone, and I told him I didn't think I was supposed to go back to work.  We agreed just to continue as we had the previous school year.  So I let the mom that I had been babysitting for know that she could count on me this coming school year.

And the next day I got a job offer.  I politely said no.

Then another one... I politely said no.

Then another one... and I started to be very confused, feel guilty, and feel weighed down by pressure.  Had we made the wrong decision with changing our minds?  Were we right the first time?  What was God trying to show me by withholding job offers until I made a decision, and then they started pouring in???

After talking with Kyle again, I turned down that job offer too.  I actually cried while doing it, because I wanted to please everyone and do the right thing... but I felt like everything hinged on my decision.  This is very unlike me.  I usually make decisions quite easily and figure God will show me if I was wrong soon afterwards.  I bought my car after driving it once.  I purchased my first house after looking at it once.  I was offered my first teaching job right after my first interview and accepted right there in the parking lot.  I usually do not spend a lot of time or energy doubting my decisions... but now that I am older, I guess I was thinking about how my husband, my children, and possibly future children depend on my current use of wisdom.

Again, small me thinking I hold the universe together... when I struggle to get a load of laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away within 2-days' time! Ha!

Knowing Kyle supported my decision to keep turning down jobs meant the world to me.  And being reminded that God is always still in control no matter what I do helped too!

So, school started last Thursday.  We took our daughter to her first day of school.  And then my son and I headed to preschool for his first half-day in his class, and for my first half-day back to work.  The director that I assist in the 4s&5s class said, "I am sorry to tell you this, but we had 4 kids drop last week, so enrollment is down.  So, I don't know, but after this week, I'm not sure we can keep you on, at least until our numbers go back up."

I wasn't upset or panicking at all, because we had been able to pay our bills over the summer without any extra pay from me.  For me, it really is important that I get to teach a little, because I love it, get to save some money for our near-future goals, and still get to be home in the afternoons with my son and to serve my family.  So I casually thought, "I'll call my friend who is a principal of the local Christian elementary school, because I know she is having to start the school year without a full staff.  I could only offer her my mornings, but maybe she is needing whatever she can get... and it would help me out too!"

So I texted her.

She immediately called me back!  She had JUST FINISHED talking to a teacher who felt God was wanting her to take on an older grade level full-time, leaving a morning-only teaching position available.  Right after they had this discussion, she received my text about being available in the mornings.

So I had an interview that evening.  I met my students the next morning, went through the curriculum, explored a little in the classroom, and I start on Monday!

Now here are some even more incredible details that are blowing my mind - this teacher who is moving grade-levels already has the classroom set up!  She already has all of next week planned as well!  Which is great for me, because it is a FIRST GRADE CLASSROOM!  Have I ever taught 1st grade?  Not in an academic setting, that's for sure!  And at first, I was very nervous about the challenge of learning a whole new grade level until I learned that I have 3 students!  THREE STUDENTS!  I was not only relieved at hearing that, but I was excited about the possibilities!  Every teacher would love to spend the kind of one-on-one instruction, discussion, and help to give to students like I will be able to with only 3 students!  And since this next week is already planned and prepped, I will get to go through this next week, getting a feel for what works and how to make it mine as time goes on!

So starting tomorrow, I will be teaching in a real classroom again (so, so excited), but only part-time (again, so, so excited)!  I will still get to be home with my son and husband for lunch, be able to cook for our college students and do laundry during nap time, and pick my daughter up from school each day!

And now I KNOW that God isn't a bad songwriter.  And once again, I am reminded that He is never confused.  Things had to happen in this order, and in His timing.  Do I know why He wants me in these 3 students' lives yet?  No.  And I am looking forward to seeing why He wants them in my life.

God answered prayers and questions for several people in this scenario.  I don't know why He decided to involve me, and bless me with answers too.  I'm just grateful and in awe... and ready to get to work tomorrow!

Setting Goals in Reverse: How Our Goals for 2020 Begin Now

I have to admit that I was an avid FRIENDS fan and saw every episode for 10 years.  And the experience I am about to relay to you, dear reader, made me think of an episode when Rachel sits down to make some life goals during her 30th birthday party...
Check out the clip:  Setting Goals in Reverse, Rachel-style!

As she is backtracking to her present situation, she realizes that what she wants is never going to happen if she continues just "seeing how it goes" in her current life situations.  My husband and I had a similar experience when setting our New Year's Resolutions for 2016 and beyond.

It was going to be a long day in the car, and it was the first day of a brand new year!  My husband, Kyle, and I had spent the previous evening/night celebrating New Year's Eve with friends in Tulsa, and the next day we were driving to a suburb of Branson to pick up a wood-burning stove we had purchased off Craig's-List.  We had had a pretty crazy holiday season, due to having our van totaled just days before we traveled to 3 states for the our Christmas celebrations - yaaaay...  But what looked like a disaster had turned into a blessing.  See, a couple of weeks before someone rear-ended our van, we had been given an estimate of what it would cost to get our fireplace to work properly... let's just say A LOT!  And then we were in a car accident... so we were headed into the holiday season trying to keep the "merry" spirit in our hearts.  It just worked out that we found a van exactly like the one we had (except the color) and it was cheap enough that with the leftover insurance money we could also purchase a used wood-burning stove to set in our fireplace!  So, that was just a side-story, but how awesome is that?!

So, we headed out for the Branson-area with thankful hearts that all had turned out fine, in fact much better than we had hoped!  And our kids were staying with my parents, so a day-long road trip with the love of my life... yes, it was just to pick up a stove, but it felt like a New Year's date day - even though it would all be spent in the car.

It surprised me how I hadn't really thought about what 2016 would look like... I figured it would look a lot like 2015... me being home while working a few odd jobs, my oldest starting school in the fall, and spending more time with my little guy who would be turning 2 soon.  But it being New Year's Day, the conversation naturally rolled around to what our goals and "resolutions" would be for the new year.  And while I'm not sure if this is how every couple is, but like all our planning conversations go, the topic of future children came up.  We have always talked about having 4 kids, and adopting... we have debated on whether adopting was included in the 4 total or not... but that's beside the point.

We currently have 2 kids, and we used to want all of our kids to be really close in age.  Our youngest is turning 2 soon, so it was needed to talk about what our future plans were in the "when to have more babies" category.  The reason we hadn't discussed it much is because we haven't been able to agree on how our next babies are getting here.  I had been feeling quite done having the babies myself, but Kyle wants one more biologically.  And since we can't agree, we just compromised and decided that we would wait a while before making any decisions...

But during our conversation we eventually agreed that we want to have one more child biologically and then adopt... one... maybe more... we'll see how it goes...

The planner in me instantly reacted with, "So, when? And how?  How much will that cost?  How will we save that much money?..."

We agreed that we wanted to put some time between our first 2 kids and the next "batch" is what I kept saying.  But we don't want too much time to pass. We very much want to do open adoption, and we have a specific agency we keep coming back to... and they require a parent to stay-at-home until the adopted child is in Kindergarten... so that is definitely something that plays a big part in "the plan".

And then there is the practical financial side to things... I am a stay-at-home mom with a few part-time jobs that pay for a little fun here and there... how were we going to save the thousands of dollars we would need to go the adoption route we want to pursue?  And having another baby (via c-section) would cost money too.  Where would this extra money come from?

As we continued our discussion, we reminisced about how we didn't know how God was going to work out our finances for me to stay home in the beginning... and looking back over the past 2 years, we have seen how God has glued together this framework for us to work and support our family while still being able to have more flexible schedules for the things we have wanted to accomplish in our family and ministry...

So we know we can live on less money that we did when we both worked full-time.  And our daughter is starting school this Fall.  So we would only have one child in childcare if I went back to work full-time.  And the job I had before will be opening up again... hmm... I really miss teaching.  I worked before when we only had one child at home... hmm...  We could live off the same budget and put all the extra money in savings for a c-section and open adoption...

So, all of that being said, we came home that day on the same page with a very different vision for 2016 and beyond than we did before... Definitely a working backwards way of doing it, but we realized that what we want to accomplish years down the road starts today and is built upon tomorrow.

But we also agree that our plans are just that - plans.  Tentative plans.  Plans made by human minds with finite understanding of the big picture that God is weaving together.  With school budgets the way they are currently, I may not find a teaching job at all.  And if that is the case, God will give us children in His timing, and He will continue to provide for bills He has given us - just as He has time and time again in the past.  There have been times in the past that money was just handed to us for no reason, sometimes by secret-givers.  There have been times when extra jobs became available, and we were able to earn some money for a special need.  There are other ways of paying for adoptions... there are other types of adoption that cost a lot less or practically nothing at all too.  The point is, God is still God.  This world is still His creation.  I am a steward, not an owner.  I am the servant, not the Master.  I only control my obedience, not the journey or outcome of any of this.

But I did learn a lot that day riding shotgun with my husband on the way to pick up a stove.  We came home that day with a reunited front against apathetic passing of time.  We headed home with a new glimmer for old hopes.  And we keep reminding each other months later that however it works out, we are open.  We have a plan held out in flat hands for God to shape into mirror-images of His plans... or to make it easier for our hearts if He snatches our plans out of grasp.  He is the Lord, and He has every right to "exercise His will over our lives".

Freedom from Junk 2016 - Day 57... Um, I Mean Day 68

Can I just be honest and say that these past 6 weeks of me working full-time while trying to keep up with my other part-time job, helping my husband with his ministry, trying to spend meaningful time with our kiddos, and just trying to keep up with the basics - clean underwear, food, and clean dishes - has been a blur - an impossible blur!  So trying to finish the Freedom from Junk Challenge in the month of February on top of all that was an insane idea!  In the beginning, it seemed like a great idea!  But the awful embarrassing truth about me is that I think I am Superwoman.  I do!  I might never say that, but I just keep saying "Yes" when I should have learned by now how to say, "No", "Not now", or "Never"... but I am a very unteachable stubborn person.  And every once in a while I have to face the reality that I am not now, nor have I ever been, super anything.  Except maybe super stuck on pretending that I am. Those 6 weeks of working full-time again in, what I feel, is one of the hardest jobs... I felt pulled in many directions at once.  And I had to once again admit that I am only one person only capable of being in one place at a time, doing only what 2 hands, 2 feet, and a Bachelors degree can accomplish.  But I learned a lot about myself, I got to teach professionally (which is something in my blood, it literally pumps life into me... as it also drains it out, ha!), I Was reminded what a true partner my husband is as he took on a lot to help fill the gaps I couldn't fill anymore, and I got to see what it is like to work full-time while having 2 kids!  There are pros and cons to pretty much everything in life, and those 6 weeks (and what they were all for) is another blog post coming soon!

I bet you noticed that the title of this post says "Day 57"... this was supposed to all be done by the end of February.  It is the end of March, and we are only halfway finished with this challenge.  It was so long ago, I even had to reread my last posts about this uncluttering challenge just to remember what my goals were, let alone actually reach any of them!  We still have all the previously cleared out items for give-away and selling, some of it currently being in a huge car seat box in our bedroom.  Kyle has been awesome, throwing in new items for give-away on occasion.  And each time he tells me he has added something to the box, I chuckle, mentally pinning my chest with a failed challenge badge.

But, the great news is that I made up the goals and the challenge... so I can restart the challenge!  Today was my first day back to my normal life of full-time mom, part-time babysitter... tomorrow I go back to my part-time preschool assistant job.  I spent most of the morning just putting everything back in its place in my home, and it feels so good to look around and know that my house is put back together, for the most part.  I hated the feeling for 6 weeks of walking by clutter, dirty laundry,  both sides of my sink full of dirty dishes... and not having the time or energy to take care of all of it the way I want.  It seemed everything in my home was only partly done, and it drove me crazy!

HA!!!  That first part was written almost 2 weeks ago!  I am still so deranged at times that I believed getting back into my regular schedule and catching up wouldn't be demanding!  So I have been back in the "Stay at home mom while working 3 part-time jobs" schedule for 2 weeks, and I just now feel like I am caught up.  And by "caught up", I don't mean all my dishes and laundry are clean or that all my projects are completed... all I mean is that I feel present again.  Before I felt like I was drowning a bit, and then I felt like I needed to be in recovery from drowning... I now feel like I can manage my life again, or manage within reason and no worse than before!

So, back in the saddle again for the challenge to declutter my home, and I really am excited to get it done this time!  I am going to give myself a more realistic deadline this time around, and I promised my family not to take on any demanding projects or other jobs until this one is finished.

When we left off last time (Day 14 - gasp), we had cleared out 389 items from our kitchen, entryway closet, my son's/my husband's/my closet and dresser.  While I was not able to consign the clothes I cleared from my son's room in the children's resale event I usually participate in every 6 months, I was able to give it all to a friend who is having a baby boy soon!  The due date is close to my son's birthday, so I was excited to know that most of the clothes will be the perfect season for her son to use!  And putting all these sweet, precious memories in a box to give to someone isn't as difficult when you know they will be used to make new memories for someone else.

So, we still have half the original goal list to tackle, and at least 111 items to get rid of!  The places in my house left to attack and clear out are:
Our bedroom
My daughter's closet
The toys in the living room and play room
Laundry room
Downstairs desk
Upstairs desk

And let's face it - since it has been 2 months since I cleared out the first spaces, I will need to re-unclutter the kitchen counter that I cleaned the first day of this challenge!  Such is life!

What my bedroom usually looks like - except sometimes there is even a hamper of clean clothes next to the bed with random shoes and clothes on the floor.  This must have been a good day!  There is a hope chest at the foot of the bed, but you can't see it because I hate to hang clothes up, so they usually rest here until I make myself do it.  Also, the chair next to the bed is my side... I am realizing that I should probably actually use the chair for all those items sitting in the floor underneath it!  Sheesh!

This is the upstairs desk I have listed above as an area in need of uncluttering... I have no idea what are in any of those boxes.  And all the random things on the left wall are leftover decorations and other miscellaneous things from Emersyn's birthday party almost 5 months ago!

The closet (which my handy husband designed and built) was also looking pretty good this day!  There are always random pictures, papers, hangers, and other items sprawled on the floor.  And that car seat box is full of give away items... it has been sitting there since the second week of February.

Choosing How To Burn: Remembering Dred, Learning from Scholl, Reversing Roe

On this day in 1857 the U.S. Supreme Court decided in the Dred Scott case that African-American citizens were not equal to other human beings and citizens in our country, therefore they were denied their basic Constitutional rights. Later with the 13th amendment, that decision was reversed and slavery was finally ended. It wasn't because everyone agreed it should end, and believe me, many many people were offended. Some lost their livelihood, their "way of life", while others gained a fought-for freedom by so many soldiers, legislators, freed men and women, regular people who called themselves abolitionists and spoke out, and of course, the then-former slaves themselves. The government was wrong, which isn't uncommon, but the amazing thing is that the government admitted they were wrong AND CHANGED IT.

The Nazis used the same arguments to dehumanize Jews and other groups causing 12 million+ people to be wiped out, while every day people kept silent of their disapproval or joined in on these round-ups and mass murders out of fear or believing such lies.  America and the rest of the world were horrified when they discovered the truth of how much these people were stripped of their rights and treated worse than animals.  The Jews had been blamed for society's problems, propaganda, when all they were doing was existing.  They were a target to heap all others' inconveniences and problems upon.  And everything Hitler and his followers did were considered legal in their country... because they called the shots, literally.  And gas chambers and mass graves... Our nation and the rest of the world called these actions what they were - hate crimes - and ordered justice to be done.  We fought a war against them, put them on trial, and eventually the whole world-wide built museums recording the devastation and atrocities carried out - and honored all the victims, those that died and those that survived... because they were people who deserved the same rights as everyone else.

In 1973, our Supreme Court once again decided that some were not "created equal" and therefore did not deserve the same basic human rights that the rest of us have - the right to keep their lives. In 43 years, our country has stamped "approved" on the murder of over 56 million preborn babies. Our government has been wrong, the church has been silent, but will we admit we've been wrong? Deadly wrong?

My prayer is that my children's generation will see abortion clinics the way I see Auschwitz in Poland and old slave quarters in the U.S. South - places where horrible atrocities USED TO occur on a daily basis. But why not now?! Why can't we stop being afraid someone will be offended? When will we come alongside these women who feel this is their best option with an unwanted child to let them know all of their options - better options?! If the government won't change on its own, then we must do what those before us have done - awaken our culture from apathetic sleep!

Abortion is killing 3 thousand of our own a day, and we are either desperate to justify it or ignore it...

When will we call it what it is - WRONG! When will we demand that our government admit it has been wrong once again and demand change?!

Instead we have used slogans and propaganda to further this grave sin by calling it many things that it isn't.  When will science stop saying, "It is the woman's body, so she should choose"... the baby's body isn't hers - be scientists using basic science! It is not "just another form of birth control", because instead of preventing pregnancy or birth, it ends life.  A favorite of so many is that aborition is "a sad necessity to save women's health" and "a reproductive health issue"... when any doctor, nurse, and even abortionist could tell you that reproduction has already occurred when there is a fetus.  Or how about those who call for equality for all people, but then decide that since a fetus is not fully developed, they are less human and therefore are not protected with the same rights from the Constitution that the rest of us are... THAT IS AGEISM at its most basic definition... and at its worst.

  When will we stop saying it is for rape victims, because less that 1% of all abortions are for cases of rape and incest!  When will we stop saying it is a matter of necessity when 92% of babies diagnosed with Down's Syndrome in utero are aborted... perhaps from inconvenience or fear or vanity?!  And when will people stop calling it "pro-choice" when so many former abortion clinic workers and women who have had abortions have come out to admit that the clinics they were in (including Planned Parenthood) never allowed these women to know what their other choices and options were?!  These clinics have quotas to meet, and they thrive upon the rhetoric that a baby isn't a baby until the woman carrying the baby thinks of it as such... how is that medical science?!

We need to consider and care for all humans when discussing this issue - the women who feel trapped and desperate, the babies they are carrying (no matter if the mother thinks of them as babies or not), the children already in foster care (pro-life AND pro-choice people need to do this), and even those clinic workers who perform these murders every day.  We especially need to reach out to those who have already had abortions.  They all need our love and the truth.  We all need to embrace the fact that for 43 years we have been wrong.  Deadly wrong.  But that doesn't have to be the way we continue!

See, the difference is that slaves could rise up and be joined by former slaves and other abolitionists to fight for their freedom.  Many Jews and their allies helped people escape during the Holocaust and worked tirelessly to rehabilitate them into good health and society when the war was ended.  But how can babies from the womb escape?  Fight back?  Cry out for their own cause?  Who is going to argue in court for their rights, because they cannot be heard?  It doesn't mean they aren't crying out; we just can't hear them.

"It has been said that for evil men to accomplish their purpose it is only necessary that good men should do nothing." - Reverend Charles F. Aked

No child should pay for the sins and troubles his or her parents have had.  Unfortunately it happens often - every 30 seconds, in fact.  So many of the arguments used today to support abortion were used, and found wanting, in previous eras of discrimination.  "The woman owns the fetus, therefore she has the right to end his or her life"... many slave owners used that one.  Many have said Blacks and Jews were inferior to others - it never made it true... just as a fetus is considered "less human" because he or she is in an early developmental stage.  "I would never have an abortion, but I wouldn't keep someone else from having one"... sounds an awful like those who would never own a slave or turn over a Jew to the Nazis... but I wouldn't stop my neighbor from doing so.  "We shouldn't free the slaves, because the quality of their lives would be horrible"... this is a very common argument to support abortion in our age.  So many in our culture think a baby should be killed just because they have a higher chance of having a difficult life than others.

That isn't love.  That is the easy way out.  It would be more work to take in these children.  It would take time and resources to give these women help if they want to raise their own children.  It would require more than just a slogan and a $400 trip to Planned Parenthood to make sure each child's chance of a difficult life was lessened.  Real love does the hard thing.  Real love takes the time and resources and makes beauty from ashes.

Hate is an apathetic selfishness that says, "Leave me alone and do what you want."

Sophie was executed in 1943 for her participation in the resistance movement against the Nazis during WWII.

Sophie Scholl, an anti-Nazi activist who was executed by the guillotine with her brother, Hans, her quote continues.. "It's the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you'll keep it under control... But it's all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn." O₂  : Breathing New Life Into Faith (2008) by Richard Dahlstrom

Many fires have been started in the fight for the rights of the preborn.  Many of those flames have died down because 43 years and 57 million murdered babies feels like the fight has been lost.  Slavery in the U.S. lasted approximately 250 years.  Antisemitism is as old as Bible times.  And we feel defeated after only 43 years?!  But a new spark is catching fire across our nation and the world; abolitionists have been trying to engage our culture in the discussion.  To change our culture's thinking.  They are offering to adopt these women's unborn children.  They are fostering children already born.  They are pleading with these women outside abortion clinics and offering them real help.  They are offering free ultrasounds, counselling, and financial help with no strings attached.  They are celebrating heroic birth mothers who choose life for their children.  They are calling out the sin of silence so disgustingly prevalent in our American churches and government.  They are also helping those working in abortion clinics to leave this line of work, find other work, and begin to heal from the the years of daily death caused by their own hands.

We should remember Roe and thank God that this evil was ended in our country. We should listen to Holocaust victims' stories and allow ourselves to be horrified of not only the evils bad men have done, but also of the horrors decent men allowed through their silence.  We must reverse Roe. We need to end AGEISM in our generation!

"Somebody, after all, had to make a start. What we wrote and said is also believed by many others. They just don't dare express themselves as we did." - Sophie Scholl's Statement to the Volksgerichtshof [People's Court] of Judge Roland Freisler (21 February 1943)

 "Am I not a man and a brother?" picture to the left was used in abolition materials in the 1800s to educate people about the humanity of slaves, and that their captivity, sale, and being owned as property was wrong, criminal even.
The picture on the right was taken by Abby Johnson, a pro-life proponent, of her own miscarried child who died in her womb at 7 weeks. She is a former abortion clinic worker who now works to educate our culture about the horrid truths of abortion and runs a ministry called "And Then There Were None" where they rescue abortion clinic workers from that line of work!

For more on this topic go  here.

What My Wedding Vows Should Have Been...

We wrote our own vows.  It is a very modern thing to do... except now, maybe the new hipster thing is to do the old thing... I don't know anymore. I quit trying to be cool quite a while ago!  I am 32, and I have been married for almost 7 years.  Depending on your view and/or experience of marriage, you may see that as a short time or a long time.  But one of the things I have learned about marriage, is that it really shouldn't be measured in time - it should be measured by experiences.  I don't think our marriage was ever a challenge until we had a second child, which was about 2 years ago.  For us that was the straw that broke the camel's back... except, we are now still happily married, so I guess it just dislocated its hip or something... okay, that's a bad illustration, maybe.

So for those who think 5 years is too short of a time to feel disconnected from a spouse to the point where you ALMOST don't care anymore... I can say you are wrong.  For those who are wondering why it took us so long to get to that point, I want to say that I am truly sorry it happened earlier for you.  I am learning it is different for everyone when the honeymoon stage ends, but I have also learned that God can repair anything... ANYTHING.  And most of the time, marriage "falls apart" because we stop doing the things we did in the beginning.  And once you begin to do those things you did in the beginning - be intentional, spend quality time together, TALK and LISTEN, show enthusiasm, respect, be loving...

There we go - off to be disillusioned!!!

We found ourselves a little over a year ago in that "just cohabitating and getting by" phase... We had been through a second birth, newborn months of sleepless nights, I had stopped working to stay home with the kids, he had taken on a second job, and we had moved.  I think we both took for granted that the other person would be alright if we just gave in to how tired we were.  So when we just wanted to veg out, we turned to TV, social networks, and our kids' entertainment.  Neither of us were unfaithful or dishonest or mean (well, okay, I was a little mean...) or anything like that.  We just slowly drifted into an existence of being fine with things not being fine.  I'm sure there are millions of married people who know exactly what I am trying to describe.  It is an easy trap to fall into.  One night we had a very serious discussion... a crossroads... and I remember saying, "I don't even feel married anymore, and it doesn't even bother me... but that scares me to death!"  So we decided to do what it takes to get out of that kind of "don't care" hole... you dig yourself out!  We took a class with other couples in our church called "Marriage on the Rock", and we relearned so many things we already knew.  We just hadn't cared enough to practice what we would have told anyone else to practice!  In the past year we have chiseled through a lot of things that we had allowed to build up between us.  It has been difficult, but it is a difficulty that has a greater gain than easy ever gave!  We no longer believe "that won't happen to us", because isolation, selfishness, and indifference can happen to ANYONE - whether they have kids or not, whether they have a lot of money or not, whether they had great role models in marriage or not... because in every marriage there are 2 people who have to make their marriage thrive to survive.  Anyone who tells you that their marriage has always been easy, they are either lying to you or they are lying to themselves.

But if this is the universal reality, why don't weddings reflect this truth that is inevitable... that you won't always be head over heels?!  I mean, I know that's why we make vows... if marriage was easy forever, then promises wouldn't be necessary.  But we are really setting ourselves up for failure, aren't we?!  We promise to ALWAYS cherish, ALWAYS care, to ALWAYS love and respect.  I am so glad we promise these things at the beginning of a marriage, because being able to rely on one another and trust each other is so vital to keep that marriage alive!

But what about promising to say "I'm sorry"?  What about committing to "supporting you, even when you fail"?  What about vowing to forgive?  "To stay even if we have the same argument for the next 57 years"?! "To pursue you, even though I have already won you"?!

I mean, anyone who has been married for a few years or through a few trials of life can tell you that we marry flawed people... that's the only kind of people to marry!  So, that means they have married a flawed person too - yourself! Myself!

If I had known that I would be the kind of wife that hates to apologize, easily justifies using disrespectful tones often, to be defensive, to be easily embarrassed by failure... believe me, I would have written vows that included promises about these things.  I guess I knew these things about myself from how I had behaved in other relationships with friends and family, but I was so in love in the beginning that I really believed our love would eradicate all those tendencies within myself... WHAT A JOKE!

We had our first all-out fight within an hour of returning from our honeymoon.  My husband said he didn't want us to go to a family thing, that I really wanted to go to.  We fought, I mean FOUGHT!  I cried, I felt things toward my husband I had never felt before.  My tone was disrespectful, my attitude was mean and selfish... and thankfully I was enough of a newlywed that I paid attention to his logic early enough to see that he was actually thinking about me, trying to help me.  I said I was sorry for being a baby and wanting my way.  He said he was sorry for... who knows... he is much nicer than me, and often apologizes for how he behaved, when it is really my fault.  The family thing was 2 1/2 hours away from home, we had literally just arrived home from being gone for a week, and we both had work in a day and a half... he was right - the last thing we needed to do was spend a full day on the road to go to a family thing when we had a week's worth of dirty laundry in our suitcases and a living room full of gifts we hadn't opened, a refrigerator full of leftover reception food, and planning for the work week ahead.  I married a smart man who is strong enough to handle me... and yes, sometimes I need to be told that I am being stubborn and unwise.

I am also a teacher by nature - it is in my blood!  I hate to see others fail, and I have this innate need within myself to help them succeed.  I can't help it!  And there have been a few moments in our marriage where I thought my husband was making a bad choice.  And sometimes not "bad" but just not "best".  I have learned that my counsel, while welcomed and listened to, he and I just don't always agree.  There have been a few times in our lives where I feel like we are taking steps backward from our goals... and since I am a planner, I always have the next 5 steps for going forward mapped out.  I am a control-freak, and it has taken several of these "regression" points in our marriage for me to see that I am often concerned with how things look to other people.  I have learned that it matters to me that others know my husband's failures are not mine.  That I did not support that unwise decision he made... that others might think less of me if they think less of him.  When Kyle and I have a future goal, and he decides to "wait it out" or "let's just see"... it drives me crazy, and I call this failing.  I'm learning that sometimes it is much wiser than bulldozing ahead to make things happen.  He is learning that sometimes, things have to be made to happen.

That is what marriage is - learning and using each other's strengths (and what sometimes appears as weaknesses) to our family's benefit, for everyone's benefit.

I have learned that it is impossible to consider myself and my husband "one flesh" when he is being his wonderful self, and then "his decisions aren't mine" when he makes a mistake... I can't have it both ways.  That is a lie that ruins marriage.  We must share and celebrate all victories while also sharing and learning from each other's defeat together, and that is what makes a marriage stronger.

My husband is preaching his first wedding ceremony tomorrow for a dear couple that graduated from our college ministry.  And while he has been studying, writing, practicing, and even asking me for my input, it really got me thinking about all of this... Why say vows if they do not assume and provide for the inevitable - we are going to mess up, hurt each other, and fail.  We need to promise that we will be faithful, love, respect, and cherish each other - yes!  These are essential, vital elements of marriage!  But we must also promise to say we are sorry when we screw it all up, even if for the first or the millionth time, and to forgive the other when they have failed.  We also need to promise to do whatever it takes to reconcile and dig yourself out of the "don't care" hole, if and when we come to that place... for as long as we both shall live!

So for those who have yet to say your vows - be sure to allow a section on how you promise to apologize and reconcile with your spouse when your sinfulness and flawed humanness starts to show.  And for those who already said your vows... maybe months or decades ago... decide today, just like I have to every day (and still should even when I don't feel like it), that we will say we are sorry to the person who should mean the most to us.  That we should love them no matter their weaknesses, fears, and inadequacies.  They are just people after all.

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

Freedom from Junk 2016 - Day 14

So I didn't do as well this week as I had hoped.  I had 3 goal areas of our home to declutter, and I only got to 2 out of the 3... still, not bad, but not what I had hoped.  I will let myself off the hook a little, though, because this was the first week of uncluttering our home while I was working full-time!  I agreed to substitute for a former coworker and friend while she is on maternity leave!  She wasn't due until tomorrow, but she had her baby earlier this past week - so off to the classroom I went, while my kids went to all day childcare!  What a whirlwind week!  Each night I have been packing lunches and picking out clothes for the next day, and making sure my lesson plans are ready to go and papers graded.  My husband has pitched in like crazy, driving the kids to childcare in the mornings and making sure they have brushed their teeth and helping with breakfast and getting dressed... etc.

Somehow I still got the baking done for Wednesday night (Emersyn, my 4-year-old helped me make Valentine cookies that were pink with sprinkles), but mostly because we had a ton of leftovers from the Super Bowl party!  We also managed to see an NSU basketball game, get Emersyn and Keegan's Valentine cards done, and a family get-together in Joplin... All things work together, right?!

School went pretty well, considering I hadn't been in one in almost 2 years!  I even endured Valentine's parties - even though I burned popcorn in the microwave so badly it filled my classroom with smoke and I had a student vomit all over the floor of the bathroom.  But I received lots of chocolates, cute little notes, and had a great time overall!  I am even enjoying teaching Math - that's right, MATH!  I have always been a Language Arts person, but I am realizing that Math is much more straight forward.  There's one right answer and the explanation of why it is right.  Everything else is wrong.  Writing is much more fluid and abstract, and while I still enjoy it, I am seeing the benefits of being able to model something to many kids and that can be the way it is for all of them!  The grading has been much simpler too!  Woohoo!

I did learn that I am too much of a sap to get through the Friday morning assembly without crying, though!  Cute little Kindergarteners (or were they 1st graders?) leading us in the pledge and awards and singing the theme song from "The Golden Girls"... I was crying and wondering if I was going to cry every Friday for the next 6 weeks!

And at home... well... I have tried to get a load of laundry cleaned each day, but it wasn't enough to keep up with my family at all!  Kyle has done dishes a few times this week, and he is presently folding all the laundry we needed to get caught up on!

The two areas I managed to declutter were my children's closets!  I went through all their dresser drawers, hang up clothes, shoes, and old clothes tubs.  Then I spent this afternoon sorting out the stained, torn, snagged, etc pieces and divided by season.  The pristine articles of clothing will be prepped this week for the huge resale event in Tulsa I have consigned for several years now, Just Between Friends.  Just cleaning out their two closets boosted our sell/give away counts big time!  Kyle even went through his dresser and started weeding out some of the things he'd like to get rid of, even though he really keeps it all very organized!

We only have 111 items left to get rid of in our house, but several areas still to go through - and only 15 days left to get them done!  The area I didn't get to this week will be priority this next week, since it is much worse than the areas left on the list.  I would show a before picture, but I just don't have the guts at this time to show you what my bedroom truly looks like on a regular basis...  I'm working on my courage!

I also am hosting a church staff/elders dinner at our house this coming Friday... so I am super motivated to finish our bedroom so I can put everyone's purses and coats on my bed without feeling nervous they are going to see my cluttered junk... I would love to be able to say, "Go on in and put your things down!" without a rock in my stomach!  These ladies coming are domestic masters, and I'm glad I could call them friends before they ever saw how I live!

Half-time is over - back to work tomorrow, and time to fish out some extra time for continued decluttering!