Welcome to the Light, Blakeley Anne Greer

To read my previous pregnancy and birth stories and see the awesome (to me, anyway) pictures of my babies getting pulled out of my stomach, follow these links:  

Pregnancy and Emersyn's Birth and/or Keegan's Birth

I have told the story of how this baby was a surprise.  She is our Rainbow Baby; the baby we were blessed with soon after miscarrying a previous pregnancy.  She is also the baby we did not know she was a she until she was born.  This was the baby that the planner in me was going more crazy than usual - I didn't know the baby's name, gender, or size.  I couldn't buy clothes ahead of time, personalize anything, or even know what size of diapers or gender-neutral clothing to buy.  My first baby was 10lbs 10oz and skipped NewBorn clothing and diaper sizes.  My second baby was 8lbs at birth, but was so tiny that even NewBorn sizes swallowed him!

When my husband and I got to the hospital at 5am on October 17th, 2017, I knew 2 things:  1) The baby's name would start with a B, either Blakeley for a girl or Brooks for a boy, and 2) I had a checklist of things I was dreading that I would have to endure throughout this C-section process.

My CheckList was as follows:
1)The spinal block with my husband in another room (I get fearful when he is not present)
2)The freezing cold O.R. where I shook so badly last time, I thought my spinal block was going to miss.
3)The lack of sleep - with my C-sections I had had such an adrenaline rush once my babies were "here" that I had stayed wide awake for 2 days in the hospital while everyone else slept.
4)The first feeding - breastfeeding is supposed to be natural, but it seems so foreign each time you start with a new baby
5)Catheter - no explanation needed
6)First shower - everything is sore and everything feels like jello... bad combination for trying to stand and move securely in a wet, slippery environment
7)Going to the bathroom
8)Staples removal

The awesome thing was that almost nothing was as bad as I thought it was going to be, or bad as I remembered from my previous two c-sections.  The nurses in the operating room were in a very jovial mood.  I was joking and laughing with them so much, I forgot to be nervous about the spinal block.  And the room wasn't even cold!  Then I kept cracking up, because everyone kept talking about the "cute anesthesiologist", which I guess is the one I had.  He was a friendly guy, and he shocked me when he said verbatim, "You seem like a normal person, so I'm not going to strap your arms down once your spinal takes effect.  Some people try to 'help out' during a procedure, but if you think you can just relax your arms the whole time, then we'll just have your arms free."  And I was thinking, 'You don't even know me!'  And I was worried that maybe I was one of those people who like to "help out" and just didn't know it yet! Ha!  So as they laid me down once my spinal had started working, I kept playing the mental note over and over in my mind, 'DON'T move your arms!'

Then they put the blue paper curtain thing up, Kyle came in, and we got started (or at least that is how I think the order went).  I felt a lot of tugging, and everyone kept updating me and talking to us.  Then I heard, "There's a head, but we don't know if it is a boy or girl yet"... "Shoulders, still don't know"... and then finally someone, I think the doctor, said "It's a girl!"

And I said, "YAY!"

That is NOT her shoulder; that is my stomach!

I'm not sure why, but right before we had gone back for the c-section, I knew my true feelings and hopes for a girl.  I had told my husband, "I'm just being honest, but I think I will be a little sad if it is a boy."  He said he probably would be a little sad if it was a girl.  So either way, one of us was going to be super happy and the other one would come around, and he definitely has!

I have made up little lullabies for my older two kids that include their name and something about we are thankful for them or them being a gift from God... but I had't made up a song for this child because this child's name was unknown until the 17th.  My husband has become so smitten by our new little angel, that he came up with her song this time, and it melts my wife's and mama's heart to hear him sing it to her!

So once I knew I had another daughter, my heart felt like it would burst with excitement!  Of course, they started cleaning her up and they kept cleaning me out and sewing me up.  LOTS of tugging and pressure!!!  I was also having a tubule done, so maybe that is what seemed to be taking longer than usual.

I got to smooch on her face a little, but I didn't get to hold her, which was disappointing.  I had been allowed to hold my son last time on my chest (but my arms had been strapped down then).  Then they took me to "recovery" for an hour or so... I do remember with my first 2 c-sections, I slept hard during this time because I had barely been able to keep my eyes open during the procedures.  I had felt so groggy those other times for that hour or so right after having the babies... but this time I was WIDE awake.  Again, the nurses were very friendly, jovial, and we chatted like old friends... more discussion of the cute anesthesiologist... and talk about our birth stories and one of the male nurses spoke of his wife expecting their first child soon.

Then to the room to get to hold Blakeley for the first time.  She looked so much like my oldest, my other daughter, that it was a surreal moment like I was holding Emersyn all over again!  But I soon discovered Blakeley's unique physical features and personality traits, all sweet just like Emersyn and Keegan had been, but aspects unique only to her.  She has a dimple in her left cheek, a swirl/crown in her hair in a random place that I'm sure she'll hate when she is grown up, and her legs are very skinny while she is rather chubby in the middle.

We had many friends and family come to visit over the next 2 days, and we loved every minute of it!  We love having people over to our home, and that hospital room was our home for a couple of days... and loved ones filled it with oohs and awws, hugs, kisses, conversation, laughs, and gifts.  We are truly blessed, and I am ever so thankful!

Keegan wanted a brother, and I was worried he would not appreciate this new sister, but he seemed to love her right away!  He has only held her twice in the 2 weeks she has been on the outside, but he has given her thousands of kisses and hugs!

Emersyn was on a school field trip, so she didn't get to meet her baby sister until she had returned and Pawpaw had picked her up from school.  She was beaming as she held her sister, the baby sister she has been begging us for for over 2 years now, and she wants to hold her at least once a day.

Her name's story is definitely different from our older kids'.  Our first child's first name is her grandmother's maiden name.  Our second child's first name starts with the same letter as my husband's so they can have the same nickname, and  his middle name is my father's first name.  But this third child was not going to originally have a family name.  At first it didn't even occur to me, because I loved the name we had picked out SO much!  Blakeley Greer - we like last names as first names, and we just like Blakeley.  It is strong yet feminine.  Greer is another name I have always liked after my favorite actress from the 40s, Greer Garson, who plays Elizabeth Bennet, of course, opposite of Lawrence Olivier in the black and white version of Pride and Prejudice (this version actually does not follow the book very closely at all, but I still love it).  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that just wasn't good enough.  Her name needed more meaning or sentiment.  I started to think about my mom's name.  Her middle name is Annette (sorry for making that public, Mama, if you are reading this), so I started to think about the name Anne.  I have always thought giving a child more than one middle name is silly, but I started to see why I wanted to.  I couldn't let go of Blakeley or Greer, and I wondered if it would sound too weird to all 3 names... once I said "Blakeley Anne Greer" out loud, it just sounded right.  And then when I realized that Anne is both my grandmothers' middle names, I knew I was more okay with honoring 3 women I love more than I cared about a dumb rule I had about giving a kid too many names.  So I asked my husband if he was okay with it, and he immediately was, which shocked me.  Then I asked my mom if she was okay with it, which she was!  So I know people were thrown when her official name was announced, because I had never mentioned Anne as a part of it before.  But it was important and just felt right to add this piece of legacy to her name... Blakeley Anne Greer.  I love it as much as I love her!!!

And that is pretty much the whole story - very uneventful, which is just how I prefer birth stories to go.  Perhaps "third time [really] is the charm", because this was by far my easiest delivery, recovery, and baby!  She is mostly calm, eats well, sleeps well, and loves to be held and snuggled.  She is deeply loved, and we look forward to seeing who she is and who she becomes!

Welcome to the light, Blakeley Anne Greer!  We love you so much and can't imagine life without you!

Bad Morning for This Okay Mom

 I am going to be real. This morning was ROUGH. Like "I am a terrible mother" and "These children are awful" kind of rough! 

Now, we have conflict and chaos in our lives like everyone, but I can usually just rely on God's grace alone and not dwell on it all... I guess I am usually too sanguine to allow guilt or anger to weigh on me too long.

But this morning was more rough than any I ever remember. Both my kids decided they didn't want to cooperate. I repeated myself more than I should have, and let them take too long to obey because I was distracted with my own getting ready. It felt convenient, but it wasn't loving. I did not have my husband at home to help for the 3rd morning in a row (not his fault at all; I'm not blaming him). It was a wash-hair day for me, and even though they always sleep through the sound of my husband showering, they were both wide awake and hyper while I was soaked behind the shower curtain, so I let them watch tv too long while I got ready. The shirt Em wanted to wear for 80s day was missing, but we spent half an hour looking for it. I yelled, because who knows where she put it after wearing it last time (her dirty clothes don't always get in the basket). Then I made her wear normal clothes,

and I refused to even give her a side pony tail. 

Then my kids and the little girl we drive to preschool all started fighting over which side of the car they get in on - "This is my side!" they were all yelling at each other and tattling that someone else used "their door" or "their side". And I lost my patience! I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, or sit down and cry! Instead I told them that none of them owned the car, and that every side of the car was MINE. I told them they only get to ride in the car because I let them. I said if they wanted a ride, they better just get in and hush while I was being nice to let them. The only other choices were to walk in the rain or miss school (which is a lot to explain to 3 children ages 5 and under). But I guess they understood, because thankfully they all bought it and got really quiet and got in their seats. Then my kids ate cold leftover biscuits and string cheese for breakfast in the car on the way to school; I seriously had considered not feeding them at all. Emersyn got her first tardy. And I forgot to pack her lunch.

I did try to end the morning on a positive note while they were quietly riding in "my car" before Em got out of the car for school. But basically the morning was a massive failure. And it was how we started the day.

I kept mulling the guilt over in my mind for a while until I realized that the day isn't over, and these kids need to see repentance and forgiveness by the end of the day. Yes, I am very pregnant and tired. And yes, they were acting like they hadn't ever been taught to behave. But my responses are MINE, and no one and nothing else can be blamed for my behavior.

The Lord is gracious, and it is His kindness that compels us to love and obey Him. His perfection is my hope and my redemption, not my own (obviously, since I have none of that).

I am SO thankful that HIS grace is sufficient for crappy mornings, noons, and nights. And that even "bad moms" can get it right, not because they handle things perfectly, but because they depend upon the God who loves and forgives perfectly!