I am going to be real. This morning was ROUGH. Like "I am a terrible mother" and "These children are awful" kind of rough!
Now, we have conflict and chaos in our lives like everyone, but I can usually just rely on God's grace alone and not dwell on it all... I guess I am usually too sanguine to allow guilt or anger to weigh on me too long.
But this morning was more rough than any I ever remember. Both my kids decided they didn't want to cooperate. I repeated myself more than I should have, and let them take too long to obey because I was distracted with my own getting ready. It felt convenient, but it wasn't loving. I did not have my husband at home to help for the 3rd morning in a row (not his fault at all; I'm not blaming him). It was a wash-hair day for me, and even though they always sleep through the sound of my husband showering, they were both wide awake and hyper while I was soaked behind the shower curtain, so I let them watch tv too long while I got ready. The shirt Em wanted to wear for 80s day was missing, but we spent half an hour looking for it. I yelled, because who knows where she put it after wearing it last time (her dirty clothes don't always get in the basket). Then I made her wear normal clothes,
and I refused to even give her a side pony tail.
Then my kids and the little girl we drive to preschool all started fighting over which side of the car they get in on - "This is my side!" they were all yelling at each other and tattling that someone else used "their door" or "their side". And I lost my patience! I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, or sit down and cry! Instead I told them that none of them owned the car, and that every side of the car was MINE. I told them they only get to ride in the car because I let them. I said if they wanted a ride, they better just get in and hush while I was being nice to let them. The only other choices were to walk in the rain or miss school (which is a lot to explain to 3 children ages 5 and under). But I guess they understood, because thankfully they all bought it and got really quiet and got in their seats. Then my kids ate cold leftover biscuits and string cheese for breakfast in the car on the way to school; I seriously had considered not feeding them at all. Emersyn got her first tardy. And I forgot to pack her lunch.
I did try to end the morning on a positive note while they were quietly riding in "my car" before Em got out of the car for school. But basically the morning was a massive failure. And it was how we started the day.
I kept mulling the guilt over in my mind for a while until I realized that the day isn't over, and these kids need to see repentance and forgiveness by the end of the day. Yes, I am very pregnant and tired. And yes, they were acting like they hadn't ever been taught to behave. But my responses are MINE, and no one and nothing else can be blamed for my behavior.
The Lord is gracious, and it is His kindness that compels us to love and obey Him. His perfection is my hope and my redemption, not my own (obviously, since I have none of that).
I am SO thankful that HIS grace is sufficient for crappy mornings, noons, and nights. And that even "bad moms" can get it right, not because they handle things perfectly, but because they depend upon the God who loves and forgives perfectly!