tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47281527006872601742024-03-14T03:18:59.621-07:00Living On Vicarious Gracea Christian wife, sort-of stay-at-home mom, part-time church office manager, trip planner, cheater cook, avid movie watcher, lover of books but mostly only a listener to them, extrovert who has a growing love for sweats and staying home, and abolitionist with her numerous, and hopefully proofread, thoughts on display...Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-39348808080721831192023-12-21T09:34:00.000-08:002023-12-21T10:08:12.897-08:002023 Letter<p>Did I write an end-of-the-year letter for 2023? Yes.</p><p>Did I mail out many of my Christmas cards before I finished the letter? Also, yes. Ha!</p><p>So, here it is, my year-end novel that ended up being 3 1/2 typed pages in Word... if that feels like a ridiculous amount of reading, especially if you see my Fb posts year-round on the regular, then just skip to the last paragraph, because that is just for you!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRR0nmJkokA5vtRgKDup14gbcQYZ-vVZI2DZaK5GHbuMAnLcFmHThkKo16DD9b9F5zHENsLr-WkVAzY6lcN0o7nyu7yKrwvvs1xKqdqEYM1LAgCzbckxLsGn53GNFZ4enAa2CJ-k_sAsQf1duCflSuv-8Vnqq1uChEevLXr7IBF1p2tMmbtV1q0Re-6Oit/s4032/IMG_8388.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRR0nmJkokA5vtRgKDup14gbcQYZ-vVZI2DZaK5GHbuMAnLcFmHThkKo16DD9b9F5zHENsLr-WkVAzY6lcN0o7nyu7yKrwvvs1xKqdqEYM1LAgCzbckxLsGn53GNFZ4enAa2CJ-k_sAsQf1duCflSuv-8Vnqq1uChEevLXr7IBF1p2tMmbtV1q0Re-6Oit/s320/IMG_8388.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><p>Dear Friends,</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The end of another year, 2023, gifted to us by our Maker; another
“blur year” for us, as my aunts often tell me on the Marco Polo app… ya know,
the years where you are trying to meet all the little people where they are and
get them to all the places, and everyone needs you all hours of the day… blur
years. I love this time of year, though, where I try to stop more often and
reflect, to intentionally try to store up all of these days in my mind and
heart. And thinking back through the scrapbook of my mind in 2023, I find
myself in awe once again that the Lord accomplished so much for us and in us. I
am truly grateful.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2023 has not only been a blur, it has been incredibly
meaningful. It started with our traditional measuring the kids on the giant
ruler to see how much they had grown since the last New Year’s Day, which we
will find ourselves doing again very soon. The next day, Kyle’s birthday, was
spent calling friends who lived nearby to ask them to come pick Kyle up so he
could go buy a car part as our car had broken down in Tulsa while we were out
to celebrate… not a great start, from one point of view. But from another, God
uses times like that to show us that He always provides and that we have dear,
faithful friends in this life. Then we had to say goodbye to our dear friends,
the Suters, who moved to Utah for church planting; Kyle helped drive their
Uhaul through the snow-laden mountains up to Provo. Paige Suter and I had met
most Wednesdays for informal discipleship for quite a while, and I felt the
absence of my dear friend and her young son so much when they first moved. When
Kyle returned at the end of that week, winter break was over, and we resumed full
time ministry and regular life.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2023 had some firsts for us: we were able to obtain a used
pop-up camper that has changed our lives in wonderful ways, and we also attempted
to grow a garden for the first time that changed our backyard for the worse,
only growing the most expensive (when you consider all the water, fertilizer,
and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>time spent) side salads we had ever
eaten and only enough cilantro for 2 batches of homemade salsa. Since we had
purchased season passes to Silver Dollar City for another year, we have happily
been able to get away for a weekend about every other month in our pop-up
camper for very little cost! Another first was sort of forced upon us, as
Blakeley wanted to play teeball for the spring, but there weren’t enough
coaches. So that is how I ended up the head coach of the 6U Dazzling Diamonds
teeball team with Kyle as my assistant coach! We had so much fun watching
Blakeley and her new little friends learn the concepts of the sport and
teamwork, and we learned a lot too!<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Spring ended and brought Keegan’s baseball, Blakeley’s softball,
and regular college ministry/Kyle’s seminary classes ended for the 22-23 school
year. Summer brought a more intimate group at our weekly dinner and study with the
college/20-somethings, and also us attending our church’s sports camp we host
for the community. Kyle coached football, and Keegan was in his group. I was in
charge of the snacks kitchen, while Blakeley was in the Team 56 group learning
motor skills. And all the while, Emersyn attended another summer theater camp,
where she earned a singing solo in their production of Annie. The end of summer
brought my friend, Paige, and her son to visit me and Blakeley for a week while
Kyle, Emersyn, and Keegan went up to Lincoln, Nebraska for a week to minister
to Yazidi refugees. <o:p></o:p></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0D0gnh1Uy89weyFhDP7CzVEA-HILV2IxHiQLFyOHPwuEPXKOw2YmWcrltAUGnPwPHjWXoC0xzH53dlDNEKCnrEyMfm1LsQ58D4gmrENr8bWMoVicvmraaospoB4w5Ks5VXpApL63Oy6lFTHGm-Q16viTdQbuZi1hZZkoCHSYjYyQW0PEOUXuqY0rA7kXG/s4032/IMG_8389.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0D0gnh1Uy89weyFhDP7CzVEA-HILV2IxHiQLFyOHPwuEPXKOw2YmWcrltAUGnPwPHjWXoC0xzH53dlDNEKCnrEyMfm1LsQ58D4gmrENr8bWMoVicvmraaospoB4w5Ks5VXpApL63Oy6lFTHGm-Q16viTdQbuZi1hZZkoCHSYjYyQW0PEOUXuqY0rA7kXG/s320/IMG_8389.JPG" width="240" /></a><b>Emersyn</b> had begged ever since the pandemic hit to be
homeschooled, so for her 5<sup>th</sup> grade year, 2022-2023, we finally
decided to give it a go! She did so well in homeschooling for 5<sup>th</sup>
grade! I admit it was so much fun to revisit all my favorite things I used to teach
in public school 5th grade for a decade (that was almost a decade ago, how?!). And
the beginning of 2023 found us halfway through Emersyn’s 5<sup>th</sup> grade
school year. We were having a blast, and we finished the school year with a
display table in our living room with her art projects, science project, and
several of her best writings for her grandparents to view when they came to
visit. Emersyn and I also designed a yearbook with all the pictures of our many
projects, experiments, and trips we took as part of her 5<sup>th</sup> grade
learning. We were happy when it was announced that there would be a homeschool co-op
started at our church, and most of Emersyn’s best friends were going to be
attending. So we decided to continue homeschooling this fall for 6<sup>th</sup>
grade. Emersyn finished out her 2-year commitment with piano lessons at the
beginning of summer, saying she still did not like piano at all, so we allowed
her to give it up. She still tinkers on the piano, however, and has enough
basic knowledge that she can pick songs up pretty easily on the piano. Emersyn
also outgrew a lot of hobbies she had pursued the past several years, now pouring
herself solely into her writing! She is constantly planning backstory for
characters and collecting ideas for stories she hasn’t even started writing
yet. Her amazing mind is full of fiction that there aren’t enough hours in the
day to write them all out in actual stories. This fall, Emersyn and I attended
a Writer’s workshop for children, and she was greatly annoyed with silly
questions other kids asked, wanting to stay behind so she could ask the
presenting authors how to hire an agent, how to get published, and what their
best advice for aspiring writers would be. I was impressed by her determination
and focus. This semester, Emersyn has had co-op with her friends most Monday
afternoons; they have studied George Meuller’s biography, drama & improv,
and cultural geography. She has also taken up karate, mainly just to spend more
time with her homeschool friends, than anything else. But this last week, she
was the only one out of her group attending, and she still wanted to go and
afterward said that class had gone really well and was enjoyable! Emersyn
turned 12 in November, but we all often forget she is that young, and I enjoy
our daily conversations as she is so passionate about her beliefs, how she
views the world, and about the imaginary worlds and characters she is
constantly creating. She is fun, funny, creative, smart, kind, and truly a joy
to be around!</div></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu8Z3bA1RkbgqNAyN19TzZjzwxcyJ78dV_bpVVfashEqNyB33zRpMxAVlncEj6zCQLB_iVynvGz72YKPTXu0xEx45BureuTF6OyJLaYtxoKxgwXhASEBqzxw5dOLkwNuFHtefjynDfx0Stsf32tArw_u_FNlDvThdJ-PkLbdBGdpfZQ5jFYJHYefSwMwxT/s4032/IMG_2550.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu8Z3bA1RkbgqNAyN19TzZjzwxcyJ78dV_bpVVfashEqNyB33zRpMxAVlncEj6zCQLB_iVynvGz72YKPTXu0xEx45BureuTF6OyJLaYtxoKxgwXhASEBqzxw5dOLkwNuFHtefjynDfx0Stsf32tArw_u_FNlDvThdJ-PkLbdBGdpfZQ5jFYJHYefSwMwxT/s320/IMG_2550.jpg" width="240" /></a><b style="font-weight: bold;">Keegan</b> was mid-3<sup>rd</sup> grade at the beginning
of 2023, and he found himself nervous about joining a new baseball team. He was
in that awkward phase where he was the oldest on his former team, having to
move up to the next age bracket all by himself. For some reason there was a mix
up, and he ended up being placed back into his previous age bracket, but still on
a team where he knew absolutely no one. We were proud of how he blossomed on
this new team, still the oldest, but now he was also the tallest and one of the
best hitters on the team. His confidence grew, not only in his performance
during only his second season, but also in making new friends. He had another
major opportunity to grow up in summer as he attended church camp at a place he
had never visited, with only one other person in the whole camp that he knew!
If you know Keegan, you know that he doesn’t even like to ride in the car with
his grandparents without one of his siblings or parents present, so him going
away from home with no family members for a whole week was a major life event,
for him and for us. I’ll admit I was a basket case, since I hadn’t heard a word
from him all week. But when we picked him up at the end of the week, he went on
and on about how it had been the best week of his life! We have noticed since
then that he is much more grown up and independent; he also attended NSU’s
football camp on his own and even ran for student council and won once he
started 4<sup>th</sup> grade this fall! Keegan also went out for the 4<sup>th</sup>
grade little league football team this year, and they started early August
practicing 3 nights a week! We eventually got down to 2 practices a week and
games every Saturday. Keegan had to learn how to become more mentally tough, all
that time commitment and sometimes playing in over 100 degree heat in full
gear, and I was amazed at how much he and the rest of his team learned by the
end of the season. Go Tigers! Currently, Keegan is obsessed with all things
World War II. Our family tradition is to take each child on a trip for just
them with Kyle and I for their 10<sup>th</sup> birthday. As he is now 9 ½, we
have started planning a short trip for the 3 of us to visit the WWII museum in
New Orleans at the end of 4<sup>th</sup> grade when he turns 10! And we just
found out yesterday that he won his class spelling bee and will be advancing to
the district bee in January! Keegan has grown up so much in the past year, but
I love that he still loves hugs and time spent together as a family.</div><o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPm5shDcR3izrzjUIzAlB-eW98qKqXxIuvXkfm_VAt-aE_4SahMEwPGtuYjQfL7Rpi-kl9RHLaiF8wTna0stvpl00YBFoR6hYVeHXmc-4uICnu5Bqk5azAU2MUbjMTHMkNiN-Yf5pQb3ycJ5Zkx8tFTo6lws8pV3ABBi9jO9zxxHNxy3lZW_cIje_dp8Er/s4032/IMG_8390.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPm5shDcR3izrzjUIzAlB-eW98qKqXxIuvXkfm_VAt-aE_4SahMEwPGtuYjQfL7Rpi-kl9RHLaiF8wTna0stvpl00YBFoR6hYVeHXmc-4uICnu5Bqk5azAU2MUbjMTHMkNiN-Yf5pQb3ycJ5Zkx8tFTo6lws8pV3ABBi9jO9zxxHNxy3lZW_cIje_dp8Er/s320/IMG_8390.JPG" width="240" /></a></b></div><b><br />Blakeley </b>started 2023 in the middle of PreK; she has
always loved school and is a social butterfly. We were so excited that her best
friend from PreK, Rylee, also was placed in her same Kindergarten class in
August! Life is just better with besties! Blakeley started back at gymnastics
this fall where she attends with her friend Ayla, and she has almost completely
mastered her cartwheel! If you’ve seen her lately, you have seen her doing
cartwheels, because that is all she seems to do anymore – over and over again. It
has paid off, because she was just promoted from Beginning 1 to Beginning 2,
just in one 9-weeks session! Blakeley also loves makeup and coloring. Blakeley
has been over the moon with learning to read, lately, and gets so excited
shouting out every time she sees a site word printed on signs or in books. She
turned 6 in October, and her hearing tests keep coming back in normal range!
She is so energetic and hilarious; she keeps us laughing always.<o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxDnryGO8kVmhnah9L56WGZoHgs9mM518ivGM4AtVZRw1FIL-GSm3Am9agZ4knFWdV6VDeuG7VITpqHBaHOo1XW_VEhsg1fYAeUyqKl9xxM9c1BST67PaGd-8YPuiHFO9dEn4dQ0oNt6A0-0Su0kI1y_jk3Jv71v43lJzozUfF7afnHCXY6xJ9vXikyrsd/s2549/IMG_8368.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2549" data-original-width="2039" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxDnryGO8kVmhnah9L56WGZoHgs9mM518ivGM4AtVZRw1FIL-GSm3Am9agZ4knFWdV6VDeuG7VITpqHBaHOo1XW_VEhsg1fYAeUyqKl9xxM9c1BST67PaGd-8YPuiHFO9dEn4dQ0oNt6A0-0Su0kI1y_jk3Jv71v43lJzozUfF7afnHCXY6xJ9vXikyrsd/s320/IMG_8368.JPG" width="256" /></a></div><br />We recently returned from a week-long family trip to
Louisville, KY where <b>Kyle</b> finally graduated seminary from The Southern
Baptist Theological Seminary where Kyle earned his 90-hour Master of Divinity
degree! This has been a very long journey, being so writing and reading
intensive, only being able to take 1-3 classes at a time on top of an already
full life schedule. Kyle began his masters before we were even married, but
decided to take a break when I had to go on bedrest when I was pregnant with
Emersyn. Life happens, and before we knew it, he had been on a break far longer
than he had originally been in school, so he decided to go back several years
ago, knowing there would never be a perfect time to jump back in. All this time
that Kyle has returned to his master’s program, he has been working full-time
as a pastor at our church, where we love doing ministry and enjoy such rich
church family fellowship. Now that he has graduated, we are not in a hurry for
a new chapter, but we are open to whatever and whenever God may have one for us.
Kyle does feel called to eventually be a lead pastor of a church, but neither
of us feels like we need to leave the loving church we are in any time soon,
unless the Lord prompts us to do so. At his current job as the associate pastor
of our church, Kyle spends a lot of his time preparing multiple Bible teachings
a week, meeting with church members for counseling, attending meetings about
the direction of our church, and then meeting with college students
individually for discipleship and mentoring. He also stops by my office, next
door to his, often to check in on Emersyn’s school day, and to occasionally
kiss the church secretary (that’s me)! Like I mentioned above, Kyle also spent
a lot of time assisting in coaching sports this year on Blakeley’s teeball,
Keegan’s baseball, and Keegan’s football teams. He is a busy guy, but he
somehow finds time to fish, hike, listen to podcasts in his rocking chair on
the front porch, and spend lots of quality time with me and the kids.<o:p></o:p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Keisha</b>, I, have had an enjoyable year in 2023! When
the year began, I started planning the family trip to Louisville and our other
camping trips. We have been to SDC, Roman Nose State Park, Mammoth Cave, the
Creation Museum, and the Ark Encounter, all on small budgets, mostly eating at
the camper or an inexpensive Airb&B. I also enjoyed being in 2 separate
book studies, one learning about God’s extravagant grace, and the other
learning about the characteristics of God. I love being in groups like this
where I not only get to learn more about the Lord, but my friendships with
these women from my church deepen as we discuss our lives and how God is
changing us, praying for one another and helping each other out during hard
times. Both groups have concluded meeting for now, while the friendships
continue, but I hope to join another in the new year. I continue to enjoy my
job doing graphic design and office management for the church. I have also been
blessed to voluntarily serve as vice president on the PTO board at our kids’
elementary school; I run the volunteer schedule for working our weekly
fundraising store as well as doing graphic design for other major fundraising
events. I also enjoy planning and managing Emersyn’s schooling; I have been
teaching her cultural geography class at the homeschool co-op on Mondays, too,
and enjoying hanging out with the other moms!<o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjopPT_VcHKDVT-Ibdx7dt7lDB3qf7lqpoHxyLQuzfobhbJxJNNSfpuMbhAW6BBcV30B52FqFN_DFEoezTnKccuAALP2t63SXCKtmOJoHLfHsiTvVB2EEaIYiXFtQfmAZiUDEqSUYV-ASkO9038KSCsvB3Uja05C4SAtF5VryMlgD8nCV7viPBJkLXI0QfT/s3744/IMG_8386.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2924" data-original-width="3744" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjopPT_VcHKDVT-Ibdx7dt7lDB3qf7lqpoHxyLQuzfobhbJxJNNSfpuMbhAW6BBcV30B52FqFN_DFEoezTnKccuAALP2t63SXCKtmOJoHLfHsiTvVB2EEaIYiXFtQfmAZiUDEqSUYV-ASkO9038KSCsvB3Uja05C4SAtF5VryMlgD8nCV7viPBJkLXI0QfT/s320/IMG_8386.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">I enjoy our simple
busyness (or chaotic simplicity), and I am thankful to the Lord for another
blur year, as it comes to a close. Of course what I have mentioned have just
been highlights, glossing over some challenges and hard times. Marriage,
parenting, ministry and just plain keeping laundry done and people fed and
connections sustained is a lot of hard work. Life is hard for all of us, but I
am thankful to the Lord that He is the Great Comforter, the Perfect Sustainer,
and the only Savior. I love that for Christians, every day is like Christmas;
we rejoice that God put on flesh and lived among us, knowing our trials and
fragile frailty, yet living a sinless life in our place, dying an undeserved
death in place of our deserved punishment, and then rose from the grave! We
have all messed up and have contributed to the brokenness in this world, but
because of Jesus there is hope and forgiveness! My prayer is that each of you
find true peace this holiday season as you revisit this documented true story
that we celebrate at Christmas and Easter! I know that this time of year can be
so difficult as we miss those who are no longer with us, and sometimes we can
be so overwhelmed by all that is going on. But we hope you go to the Maker of
your soul as the balm for your soul, and be in awe of all that has been done
for you in Christ.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen.<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><b> </b></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Merry Christmas,<o:p></o:p></p>Keisha<p></p>Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-5569309478767594902020-04-03T19:26:00.000-07:002020-04-03T19:28:21.955-07:00Whatever you do during a pandemic, do it all for the glory of God!You are home. You are lonely. You are bored.<br />
<br />
You are tempted.<br />
<br />
Flesh still wants what it always has. Temptation does not disappear just because our interactions with the rest of the world are decreased or vastly altered. But you might feel stripped of the armor and weapons with which you once waged war against temptation, and had victory, before this pandemic hit.<br />
<br />
Meeting a Christian friend for coffee is not an option.<br />
Your roommate is no longer there for accountability.<br />
Your older role model from church is in quarantine because of immunity issues.<br />
Your exercise class isn't able to meet in person.<br />
You have few to no opportunities to help with others' needs... just time to dwell on your own worries.<br />
The daily tasks that give you the feeling of purpose in life are gone -<br />
the work, the fun, the people = the distraction, the accountability, the meaning...<br />
<br />
And perhaps the struggles you have previously had victory over, maybe only recently or even long ago, may start to once again whisper your name... sins and struggles that can be kept secret or private can run rampant during this pandemic.<br />
<br />
Avoiding God's Word.<br />
Letting anxiety rule over you.<br />
Dwelling and feeding fear instead of trusting God.<br />
Pornography and other sexual sins/struggles<br />
Over-eating<br />
Prayerlessness<br />
Laziness<br />
Legalism<br />
Discontentedness<br />
<br />
And you feel alone. And when we are alone the fight gets harder.<br />
<i>Sometimes it doesn't seem worth fighting much at all.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Nothing else better to do - so why not</i>?<i> Just give in.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
LIES.<br />
<br />
Lies start to creep in. Preaching truth to ourselves is scarce.<br />
Lies start to feel true. Much more true than TRUTH itself.<br />
<br />
<i>I have no one.</i><br />
<i>I am useless</i>.<br />
<i>I have to fight this alone.</i><br />
<br />
I get it. I do. Maybe not every struggle is the same, but during this pandemic, I am learning that we find out who we really are and what the flesh really wants when there aren't the distractions for people, work, ministry, and purpose.<br />
<br />
And as an extrovert who LOVES food and TV and often does not desire to be in God's Word on a daily basis, I see that in order to actively love the Lord with my obedience, I am going to have to spend this time of "sheltering in place" fighting my own flesh. Fighting the loneliness. Fighting the fear. I am going to have to be more diligent about fighting lies. I am going to have to dig for truth. Every day.<br />
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While these memes, found all over the internet, bring us a little laughter in the middle of a terrible time... there is more truth behind these jokes than I want to admit. I was overeating and missing my friends and discipleship partners so much, but since I hate talking on the phone I convinced myself I was stuck.<br />
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While praying about fighting my feelings with truth, it occurred to me that while I was trying to trust God, I was not willing to also take care of the responsibilities He has given me. I realized I am going to have to Zoom, and Marco Polo, and text, and call - AND TALK ABOUT WHAT REALLY MATTERS with those who matter to me. I am going to have to talk to my husband and my friends about what sin struggles I am having, and I need to ask them how they are doing. Will it be the same as talking in person? No, it won't be as good. But it is better than giving into wallowing in my loneliness. And perhaps this will be a time when my marriage can thrive, learning to better communicate. I am going to have to think on things above, and that will only happen if I actively pursue things above. I am going to have to make a list of what I'd like to accomplish each day - including mostly people I want to check in on, scripture I need to read, prayers I need to pray, and projects I am able to do. God is working, so I should be too. I am going to have to fight to have a purpose, and so will you.<br />
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Fight to have a purpose. Take initiative.<br />
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<ul>
<li>Preach to yourself! Confront lies with truth:</li>
</ul>
<ol>
<li> There are many ways through technology to have companionship.</li>
<li>Staying home IS useful in this pandemic (that is the point), so is sending notes of encouragement via text or video messages. Call an elderly relative to say Hi.</li>
<li>There are many ways to have accountability for whatever you are struggling with; drop the excuses and utilize the resources available to you.</li>
<li>Every earthly comfort is temporary; eating a third cookie only makes you want a fourth.</li>
<li>Fighting temptation for the sake of God's glory is ALWAYS worth the fight.</li>
</ol>
<ul>
<li>Schedule times of prayer and reading - and ask a friend to remind you and to ask you about it later. All those times you complained that you didn't have enough time to study scripture and pray like you wanted to - that is no longer true.</li>
<li>AWKWARD WARNING: Take a risk and ask a friend to pray with you over the phone. Many people do this all the time and don't think anything about it at all. But if it is your first time, it will feel awkward at first, but SO WORTH IT!!! At the very least start a prayer-needs thread with a couple of friends and really spend time sharing personal requests. And then, really pray for each other.</li>
<li>Keep a journal for your anxiety - write down everything that is looping, and then write out what the Bible says on that subject. Then get busy checking on other people's needs.</li>
<li>Go through a book of Christian encouragement/doctrine/application with a friend over Facetime or Zoom. My husband and I are always going through books with other people, so we have decided to take this time to reread our favorite books on godly manhood and womanhood - out loud to each other, and then we discuss. It has been really awesome to revisit ideas with someone who can encourage me and help me be better, and vice versa.</li>
<li>Get creative - go walking while talking to a friend on the phone or do what one of the college students did here - she asked if she could walk OUR dog. She came into our fence, got the dog, and walked her without coming into contact with us or coming into our house! And she felt like she had more company and joy from serving others.</li>
<li>Download <a href="https://www.covenanteyes.com/" target="_blank">Covenant Eyes</a> (I get nothing from endorsing them; in fact, we pay them money every month. I just know my husband uses it and it is helpful for very little!). This is an accountability program that alerts friends of your choosing when you visit websites that have a pornographic nature.</li>
<li>Set timers on how long you cruise your Facebook feed. Download a Bible reading app with a reading plan and scroll that more often than you do social media.</li>
<li>Try to start a project you have been putting off. Or start a project from your Pinterest board that you pinned and knew you would never have time for.</li>
<li>Put on some worship music in the background for all activities that don't have their own sound.</li>
<li>Google conversation starters and email a question a day to a group of friends - it will give them something to do and will connect you.</li>
<li>Start a gratitude journal. What I have been doing in mine is everytime I am sad or feeling sorry for myself or frustrated, I open the journal and try to think of something I am thankful for that God has given me in that moment.</li>
<li>Call your local school and hospital and ask how you can help as a normal citizen at home; there is probably something they can think of. Even if it is only a Sonic run for admin or a shift of people during Happy Hour!</li>
<li>Get outside and wave to every other person also out and about. They might be outside because being inside is feeding their depression. And don't forget, you can still share the Gospel from 6ft or more away. </li>
</ul>
So that is the WHAT to do... but it really only matters WHY we do these things.<br />
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Why does it matter if I want to find comfort in food, tv, or other things? It matters, because we were created to find our ultimate comfort in God. He does not want to be replaced by the things He has given us. And He isn't sitting in heaven on his tyrannic throne waiting to catch you messing up. He is waiting for you and me to remember that only He satisfies forever. Only He is truly good and does not change. He made us, so He understands that all our comfort-seeking in other places is futile. He loves you and wants to give you the only comfort that works - Himself. So we lean into God in all this quiet and waiting, not because we are trying to appease a warden, but because this good and loving God wants to give you, His child, good gifts. And the greatest gift there ever could be is Himself.<br />
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The point of being saved from the punishment of sin, but left in a sinful world with a sinful nature, is not to strive for perfection and fail. The point is to realize that we are utterly dependent upon God for everything - our life and breath, and even our obedience. Sanctification is not about sinning less and less (although, hopefully that is a result), being sanctified is the process of God stripping away our self-sufficiency, pride, and self-centeredness to reveal to our hearts an ever-growing awareness and understanding that this amazing God is our only hope. But He is the greatest hope, and every other hope is false and temporary.<br />
<br />
Do not let this time of waiting around allow temptation and vices to slowly grip your heart. If they already have started, pour your heart out and cry to God. He loves to forgive, comfort, heal, and strengthen His children. Whatever you do during this pandemic, let it all be for the glory of the marvelous One who made you. He made you to find true and lasting comfort and purpose in Him. Look to Him. Share Him. Love Him. Enjoy Him.<br />
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You have all the time you could ever want to do so.<br />
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*Some of these ideas are things my friends have come up with; I am thankful for the wisdom and creativity of friends.Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-49800691740767574622019-07-11T14:07:00.003-07:002019-07-11T15:10:07.139-07:00"Where Are Her Hearing Aids?" - Our Hearing Loss Journey Part 4: The Final? ChapterIt has been almost a year since our youngest daughter, Blakeley, was aided with 2 Oticon hearing aids in bright pink with clear gold-glittered ear molds. She was diagnosed in June of 2018 and aided August 7 that same year. You can read about our experience through the first 6 months of her diagnosis in 3 parts: <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-journey-of-hearing-loss-part-1.html" target="_blank">1</a>, <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/our-hearing-loss-journey-part-2-hearing.html" target="_blank">2</a>, <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/our-hearing-loss-journey-part-3.html" target="_blank">3</a>. Perhaps you have noticed online or in person that Blakeley is no longer wearing her hearing aids. She hasn't worn them since Christmas. We have been going through a lot since then, and I have been avoiding explaining all of this to people, because so much is still unknown. But I know there are people who have questions; sometimes they ask in person, which is fine! I love when people feel comfortable enough to talk about anything. And sometimes I can just tell from the stares and looking at the side of her head, people are wondering... where are her hearing aids?<br />
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The most simple answer is this: they are in a drawer at the house.<br />
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The explanation and more complicated answer can be read below:<br />
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A few days before Christmas 2018, we went to meet Blakeley's new audiologist. Before we left town for the appointment, we mailed off the last of the Christmas letters I had written explaining everything we had been through during the past year with Blakeley's hearing loss. I also emailed my cousin back to thank her, because I had ordered custom t-shirts from her for each of our immediate family members with their names printed in ASL (American Sign Language). She had also mailed us a free ornament with our last name in ASL, and it was the sweetest thing ever!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="640" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEix_lNvPF2e2Xb8kSFQaevsGEN8sXYJQqAMeCiNwDEd3IYiP5a_hxQOvBclhRcxIYQMfKJlTLREc1iG2rEHWlNkwJmbRbftpm0JqtDh3XOcUSh8Pz5CMHj2rV9OSf7wuRMOUb4dDIYsq9nz/s400/family+photo+with+HAs.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="265" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our Christmas card photo - our first professional family photo with Blakeley in her hearing aids.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">M-U-R-R-A-Y </td></tr>
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On the way to the appointment, I was still feeling quite sad about having to go to a new audiologist. Back in October we had been told that the first audiology clinic we had been taking her to was no longer providing pediatric care. I had been devastated and scared. The pediatric audiologist that first took care of Blakeley, really first took care of me. Blakeley never cared that she had hearing loss, because she never knew any differently. I, on the other hand, had felt totally lost and bereaved. She had rescued me from the overwhelming fear and sorrow I had been going through when Blakeley was first diagnosed with permanent hearing loss. She had given us resources, taught us how all the testing works, answered all of our questions, and put Blakeley's hearing aids on her for the first time (again, all that is told in parts 1 and 2).<br />
<br />
Of course, Kyle reminded me that I get a little too attached to doctors sometimes, like when I wanted to invite our midwife to Thanksgiving the year we had our first child, and Kyle had to remind me that she had 4 kids and a family of her own to have holidays with! Ha!<br />
<br />
So thankfully we had already been seeing a speech therapist for Blakeley at Hearts for Hearing, where the new audiologist also worked. He seemed very nice when we met the audiologist - young, but nice. I know that sounds like an old person talking, but I am 35 years old... I am not that old, and when it comes to medical care for my child, I get a little nervous when the person looks younger than I am.<br />
<br />
I was also concerned because for about a week Blakeley had kept taking her hearing aids off constantly. She had not done that since the first week she had them. She had been wearing them most of the time for 5 months and was very used to them; didn't even notice they were there anymore... except all of a sudden that week she took them off after only a few minutes of wearing them. I would put them back on. She would take them off. Sometimes, she would only take the ear molds out but leave the aids on (they were affixed to a headband she was wearing). I started to wonder if she had an ear infection, and maybe the molds hurt to wear them. With a barely 1-year-old, there is really no way to know anything going on inside their bodies. But no matter how many times I would put them on her, she would take them off.<br />
<br />
I explained my concerns to the audiologist before they went into the booth. He took a look into both her ears, and then they set up for the booth test. My husband went into the booth with Blakeley this time - a first. We had been going to so many appointments that there was no way he could be off work for all of them, so this was the first time he had been to a hearing booth test day. He held her on his lap, the speech therapist kept her occupied and distracted enough so she wouldn't be "looking" for the sounds that the audiologist sends into her headphones. They go through the whole test, the audiologist on the outside of the booth recording Blakeley's responses and/or lack of responses to sounds. Then we go into his office and have a seat...<br />
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I could tell from the look on his face that he had something huge to tell us. I was worried that perhaps her tubes had come out, causing an ear infection and difficulty hearing even with her HAs (hearing aids) on because of fluid build-up.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiMoZg-pHDCmirOx9v9W-B8UP0O5k-QrGUl6mqSOY5gPhzv5rj1zuJdlVxY94C8-WrsCvwiWOagVTpNyTiZeUoQmrjhO1DW1Z86ehbkidBOhpsI7ZOVqq1Mts_YeSO9naS58UlPSGnZEKl/s1600/dr+arun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiMoZg-pHDCmirOx9v9W-B8UP0O5k-QrGUl6mqSOY5gPhzv5rj1zuJdlVxY94C8-WrsCvwiWOagVTpNyTiZeUoQmrjhO1DW1Z86ehbkidBOhpsI7ZOVqq1Mts_YeSO9naS58UlPSGnZEKl/s200/dr+arun.jpg" width="200" /></a>He started, "I wanted to start by saying that I wish I had videoed what just happened in that booth, because she does exactly what we hope kids will do in the booth. She is so young but modeled exactly how a booth test should go."<br />
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I was confused. I couldn't tell if he was saying that her behavior was model behavior or if... her hearing was model hearing??? What?<br />
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He continued, "If you look at this," showing us the audiogram from the booth test, "you'll see that here is where she was before on her first test, and here is where she is hearing now." Every current hearing result was within NORMAL range of hearing, except one was left blank. The Dr. said, "Her hearing is all within normal range except in the 500 Hz, we can't get her to respond. We do not know if it is because it is a low sound that just isn't interesting to listen to, or if she doesn't really hear it. She is too young to tell us or to ask her. It is common, however, for kids with tubes in their ears to not hear this pitch. It is usually only temporary due to the tubes. So, looking at this test and considering her tubes are still in place, I feel comfortable saying that Blakeley has normal hearing."<br />
<br />
SILENCE... my mind was racing while the room grew so incredibly quiet.<br />
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My first reaction was that I should have been the person holding her in the booth (which is ridiculous, because the parent literally does nothing but provide a lap to sit on during the test), but I had been in there for all the previous tests... Then my next reaction was to wonder how good of a doctor this audiologist was - my first time to bring Blakeley to him, and she hears just fine all of a sudden?! Yeah, right, dude...<br />
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But then I started to think, 'Well, if that is true, what have we been doing for the past 6-7 months?! They said permanent hearing cannot be cured or get better. They said she had reverse-slope mild to moderate hearing loss. She has had two booth tests since her first test - they have all shown the same thing... how could this be?! Was the first audiologist who gave her that first test drunk?! How could the second audiologist who had 20+ years of experience be wrong too?! Why should I take the word of a young, brand new audiologist over two others who had more experience and had the same results?!'<br />
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So I started to cry. I was mad. I was confused. I was heartbroken. I was devastated.<br />
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I had been wronged. Lied to. Betrayed... or I was now being misled?<br />
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I started saying all my thoughts,<br />
"So if she can't get better, did she ever have hearing loss?"<br />
"Was somebody drinking over there the day of her first test?"<br />
"How reliable is this new test? Can we do another one?"<br />
<br />
He said that misdiagnosis happens "often enough that we expanded our office from OKC to Tulsa. We kept having people travel to OKC and go through all this testing to find that it was all an inaccurate first test."<br />
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This answer made me FURIOUS! How many times had I driven to Tulsa for ENT, Audiology, speech therapy, and hearing aid appointments?! How many books and articles had I read?! How many hours had I spent crying, feeling alone in the world, taking ASL class?! How many hours of work had I missed? How much money had we spent? Our parents split the cost of Blakeley's hearing aids - how would I pay them back?!<br />
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This answer made me sad. How many friendships had been formed through our admittance into the deaf community? How much had my identity changed - the way I saw myself as a mother with a child with special needs? Who were we now? Where did we belong now?<br />
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I think I was more sad the day we were told her hearing may be normal than I was the day they first told us she was hard-of-hearing. That may not make sense, but Kyle said he felt the same way. We had spent over half of a year rearranging, not just our lives, but our thinking... and now this doctor was saying it was all for nothing.<br />
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So we scheduled another test for the week after New Year's. And I started to panic - I had just mailed 80 letters to so many friends and family explaining Blakeley's hearing loss. I had just spent all this money on custom t-shirts that said things like "Mamoo", "Pawpaw", "Grandma", "Grandpa", "Mama", "Daddy"... all in ASL!<br />
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The audiologist said that between then and the next test, we should leave her hearing aids off. He said the reason she was pulling them off was because they made things sound funny. Her tubes were still in place, and there was no infection or inflammation in her ears. Her hearing aids were programmed to magnify sounds in certain pitches, and he said that she has realized she likes the way things sound better without them.<br />
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I said, "We are about to leave for Christmas for 3 days to attend 5 different gatherings with family plus church... what are we supposed to tell people when they ask?"<br />
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He said, "Tell them whatever you want, but perhaps you could honestly say that she keeps taking them off and the doctor said it was okay to take a break for two weeks until her next test?"<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4720Q75Dy_aWnDHQ2RfLA8h4YEKHiHbpSmyeq5qT1B5OOHg_4rtAlsV0ijiqs63NdinYuU72itUsGrOyH9lvWYu9RV_D8lRnJFPW9_VMSnMek8Wgaua12S4O3T33EhhJNs2P1lGBIJhjY/s1600/first+day+without+hearing+aids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4720Q75Dy_aWnDHQ2RfLA8h4YEKHiHbpSmyeq5qT1B5OOHg_4rtAlsV0ijiqs63NdinYuU72itUsGrOyH9lvWYu9RV_D8lRnJFPW9_VMSnMek8Wgaua12S4O3T33EhhJNs2P1lGBIJhjY/s320/first+day+without+hearing+aids.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her first day without wearing her hearing aids in 5 months; Christmas at Uncle Kevin and Aunt Heather's</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeUMU4F32eVW8PENiOlu5b_m1z9feJjwPZhyFCSlAo7I9c4BwEtcQ_v9UgSfX7FTLVYP0IlU0eU1wCMW2gQAJVXAglyRiU0IrHAZg-GreyrKYo0jFFl43aSLGACOoKAt38GipSHCcEi2eT/s1600/christmas+family+photo+church.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeUMU4F32eVW8PENiOlu5b_m1z9feJjwPZhyFCSlAo7I9c4BwEtcQ_v9UgSfX7FTLVYP0IlU0eU1wCMW2gQAJVXAglyRiU0IrHAZg-GreyrKYo0jFFl43aSLGACOoKAt38GipSHCcEi2eT/s400/christmas+family+photo+church.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christmas church service, not aided</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
So that was our plan as we left. I still wasn't sure I believed the doctor. Over the next two weeks, I acted very breezily about the fact Blakeley wasn't wearing her HAs when people asked. I acted like nothing was going on... when I was actually torturing myself mentally, going crazy asking myself 'Did she ever really not hear, or did we just treat her like she couldn't hear?!' 'How do we explain to our parents that they spent all that money for no reason?!' 'What do we tell people in the Deaf community - will they resent us?' 'Should I send another post-Christmas letter explaining everything we sorta know now?!' 'Did she ever really act like she couldn't hear us?' 'How do I share this information online without pointing blame at her previous audiologist, who I still feel like is my savior in some way... how could she also be someone who missed this huge thing?!'<br />
<br />
It was grueling. It was mentally exhausting. I cried often in bed at night.<br />
<br />
There was another issue in all of this - if she DID have hearing loss, and now she doesn't... what happened?! Did God heal her? While I know He CAN; I'm not sure why He would. Why cure her only 7 months after her diagnosis while so many others go their entire lives with PROFOUND hearing loss, let alone just a mild-moderate loss?!<br />
<br />
So we told no one. We waited for the next test. That test showed normal range as well.<br />
<br />
I demanded another test. A sleep test. But she wouldn't cooperate; we tried for 2 hours, and she never would fall asleep with all those sensors on her head.<br />
<br />
We weren't sure if we wanted a sedated test. She was so little and had already been under anesthesia before for her tube surgery. Did we really want to put her under sedation again, when the first sedated test had apparently not even been accurate? Definitely did not sound worth the risk.<br />
<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO-s8RWn6dtE6L8XXHAzerXHJGBtuO4dVtt-6yctQhP6RIaFM7QRScZhbHw-p2sRMij8mx2pB36hDZBjk9hRd1X3FmJm4Cwpvqikg2Up4Tvt_C-EAhwqPWYLR6zamfscvQSFzpwVPseXf6/s1600/b+and+k+hugs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO-s8RWn6dtE6L8XXHAzerXHJGBtuO4dVtt-6yctQhP6RIaFM7QRScZhbHw-p2sRMij8mx2pB36hDZBjk9hRd1X3FmJm4Cwpvqikg2Up4Tvt_C-EAhwqPWYLR6zamfscvQSFzpwVPseXf6/s320/b+and+k+hugs.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loving on Bubba</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbACJnhYi3DALfybnSk56hyphenhyphenk7ttScj8lapdHuhbcpBVpybCV0JK8S2e3yYVRdtbusCVXUIxYRutCD7MR8TAlKXlVPhxmbB4J-7jBOqgtFeuLurIGs27YIT8M0Jk3y-mb8w-Tdmg4sNpxlN/s1600/em+and+b+church.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbACJnhYi3DALfybnSk56hyphenhyphenk7ttScj8lapdHuhbcpBVpybCV0JK8S2e3yYVRdtbusCVXUIxYRutCD7MR8TAlKXlVPhxmbB4J-7jBOqgtFeuLurIGs27YIT8M0Jk3y-mb8w-Tdmg4sNpxlN/s320/em+and+b+church.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting a piggyback ride at church from Sissy</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5WSj3KKJofngSPKcc8set0i0G1qu5li8H41nwK1Ytz8nfuPqAdoesX-Yuip6rQ43QgcOo4KDmvCKQ3bjV2mGNhxNGhaEPtOpdVLYyi987euPk5IRvJB9FEwL3KsUQ77jNEt4vf4DAaaJ_/s1600/3+kids+easter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="716" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5WSj3KKJofngSPKcc8set0i0G1qu5li8H41nwK1Ytz8nfuPqAdoesX-Yuip6rQ43QgcOo4KDmvCKQ3bjV2mGNhxNGhaEPtOpdVLYyi987euPk5IRvJB9FEwL3KsUQ77jNEt4vf4DAaaJ_/s320/3+kids+easter.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All 3 kids posing for Easter pics</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
So we continue to go for hearing booth tests and speech assessments every other month. Each time she has tested in normal range with her not responding at one pitch... and the doctor assures us each time that even if it is a permanent loss in that one pitch, it isn't enough of a problem where she should be aided. And each time her speech has been testing within her current age. They said they will keep monitoring her and that if she stops progressing in speech or if she regresses, then a sedated test would be necessary. But so far, she keeps growing in her speech abilities!<br />
<br />
It has been one crazy roller coaster ride, but I really am thankful for all the things that I have learned. There of course is the chance that her hearing actually improved, maybe that even God healed her hearing… I don’t know and I’ll never know for sure. I have had so many questions, but I also realize that for most of them I may never have answers. I had a lot of hurt and anger at first, and thankfully a friend of mine asked me if I would be mad if God had healed her, which of course I answered no! And I realized in that moment that that’s the kind of attitude I’m gonna have to take on this, no matter what really happened. So even if she never had hearing loss, we are going to be thankful to God as if she did and He healed her, because if she has normal hearing then there’s nothing to worry about! And all good things come from Him anyway! So basically when people ask me why she’s not wearing her hearing aids now in public I tell them that we’re not sure how or what happened, but her most recent tests show that she has normal hearing - and we’re praising God for that.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghiCiEItA3V8VfQ5x7bq962F9FuBIDt40MimSQFZeXbZuUPsmYYYEnCC9mPiL7TWDtM7TtVlG6kvhhW_7LkyWd2k8WVUnGweaL1YwYMqU7tAjSLN1jpzw6ScJch-dMN9jZ_XW01rgn3d8s/s1600/b+feeding+her+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="540" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghiCiEItA3V8VfQ5x7bq962F9FuBIDt40MimSQFZeXbZuUPsmYYYEnCC9mPiL7TWDtM7TtVlG6kvhhW_7LkyWd2k8WVUnGweaL1YwYMqU7tAjSLN1jpzw6ScJch-dMN9jZ_XW01rgn3d8s/s320/b+feeding+her+baby.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blakeley LOVES her baby dolls!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaAdFK9DNuoyADTHfSQCGR0hdc2htOKrvcIDBteajjaVvon1P82VAXOv78Ib0dvTR8AcQgkhdeFqnSPMPKF5XA5wi4dabVmBpo8GKAFlfy4rwWdqvGK6PVN-MoPrnfoIfb8SvpyHQdp-nJ/s1600/b+and+magnifying+glass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaAdFK9DNuoyADTHfSQCGR0hdc2htOKrvcIDBteajjaVvon1P82VAXOv78Ib0dvTR8AcQgkhdeFqnSPMPKF5XA5wi4dabVmBpo8GKAFlfy4rwWdqvGK6PVN-MoPrnfoIfb8SvpyHQdp-nJ/s400/b+and+magnifying+glass.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She loves magnifying glasses!</td></tr>
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<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinj7ki-OiQRC3SSqyBcQO2jsKaqvfPDo3-ySGzslolyUg73Zlp-lUweoU7w3mI6xYFXGI_ZHJOtLXKVTdVb446MR8NDIvqhQKVe39XB0qjHrCkkHekYxLnS7Sljmp4ra0lmAGlH54PRw6S/s1600/b+at+the+splash+pad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinj7ki-OiQRC3SSqyBcQO2jsKaqvfPDo3-ySGzslolyUg73Zlp-lUweoU7w3mI6xYFXGI_ZHJOtLXKVTdVb446MR8NDIvqhQKVe39XB0qjHrCkkHekYxLnS7Sljmp4ra0lmAGlH54PRw6S/s320/b+at+the+splash+pad.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She HATES pools and splash pads, so she spends her time filling<br />
buckets with water in her dry swimsuit!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
No matter how we got here, we are thankful for God's provision for Blakeley's hearing. And she is hearing and speaking normally for an almost 2-year-old third-born child. My true identity should have always been in Him, no matter the needs of my children. And I have taken some time to go through all the emotions, shed the identity and constant worry, and have recently started looking at how I am going to fill my time and purpose, since so much of my life had been on-hold throughout that 7 months she was labeled as an HOH child. We have held onto her hearing aids because insurance only pays in part for them once every 5 years. Throughout all this testing, I didn't want to get rid of them until we were sure she doesn't need them. I'm still not sure that she never will.<br />
<br />
<br />
So we need wisdom in knowing when the right time will be in donating them to someone who needs them. Sometimes I wish I hadn't ordered her hot pink ones, since that might not be the preferred color of others in need. But it is what it is, and I am thankful that someday when the time is right we can gift someone else the gift of hearing who will need it.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrtRhXtPZOxcCr_ElaAfNT5VwxNd2F6jSLkpqYwQvvw4hoG28llujGvOJ5WmnlQNwn9zyYaja8CPr421ZtuCrmMi22hzPo9c6Tgt0COKkBovSdejDt5vrY4eE88PMrsfA9wYKSZdpLc63C/s1600/b+in+the+swing+a+year+apart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrtRhXtPZOxcCr_ElaAfNT5VwxNd2F6jSLkpqYwQvvw4hoG28llujGvOJ5WmnlQNwn9zyYaja8CPr421ZtuCrmMi22hzPo9c6Tgt0COKkBovSdejDt5vrY4eE88PMrsfA9wYKSZdpLc63C/s640/b+in+the+swing+a+year+apart.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From September 2018 to May 2019</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: center;">Life is good, and it was in the middle of all this too... sometimes the good is in the stretching, trusting, etc. And I take comfort in knowing that it was never my fault she was diagnosed, so it can't be my fault that I possibly misled so many people without knowing it. We lived the truth we were given, and looking back, I can say that we did everything in our power to help our daughter how we were told she would need. I don't regret how hard I fought for her, and I am no longer embarrassed by how far I pushed myself to provide for her what we were told she needed. I felt guilty for a long time that my daughter's hearing is considered normal while so many others' aren't. And maybe someday God will use this new awareness and passion in our serving of others, but the guilt is gone. I found out how strong I can be. I found out how strong God's arms are when He holds me as I fall apart.</span><br />
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<br />
And Blakeley can hear. So that is why her hearing aids are in a drawer at home.</div>
Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-29833804064781076412019-01-25T23:07:00.003-08:002019-01-28T15:06:28.619-08:00Our Hearing Loss Journey Part 3 - Speaking vs Signing<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: x-small;">*This post has been edited from its previous version. I originally posted examples of parents sharing their struggles with this topic - all names and pictures were blurred and marked out. However, some people did not approve, so this post was edited to not include those. I completely understand and am very sorry to anyone who was offended. I hope no damage was done to anyone, as a fellow parent on this journey, I would never want to cause more stress to anyone else. Thank you.*</span></div>
<br />
When we first learned of our daughter, Blakeley's, hearing loss we did what most parents do - we did whatever it took to fix what was wrong with our child, if possible... right?! Isn't that the thing we want to do? If they are sick, and medicine will cure them - you give them the medicine. If they have a condition where surgery could fix it - you choose the surgery. If your child cannot see, you get them glasses. Well, if your child cannot hear everything normally, you want to give them whatever is available to give them the most opportunities in life...<br />
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I had never questioned this kind of response in parenting until my daughter was diagnosed with hearing loss. She wasn't profoundly deaf, so hearing aids were an option. Our insurance covered most of the cost (praise the Lord - we have met so many families that have to wait for so long because they have to pay $9,000 out of pocket!), and we had met so many other families that had chosen this easy and readily available option. But as we entered the "hearing loss" world more and more, we soon encountered the "Deaf Gain" community.<br />
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What is the difference, you may ask. Well, it really is just a change of perception. Basically, the difference is when you go from only focusing on the hearing deficit your child has at diagnosis and shifting to welcoming all of the community (and benefits of that community) that a Hard of Hearing or Deaf person gains with their disability. Yes, a HOH person may not be able to hear certain pitches of sound, so there may be loss of opportunities in the hearing world, but they will gain connections with others like themselves that they may never have otherwise. The people in the Deaf Community are loyal, and they are fierce. They are strong, because they have to be. They are proud of who they are, just the way they are, because many times everyone else treats them as if they are lesser than - less able, less intelligent, less valuable... and nothing could be further from the truth. And they know how to advocate for themselves and one another. So, not just "hearing loss", but also "deaf gain". It is a pretty powerful shift that I resisted at first, disagreed with for a while, but now see the beauty of with gladness.<br />
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I shared in previous posts about how I felt strongly that we should learn ASL (American Sign Language) as a family as a support language for the present, and a backup language for the future. If it was likely she would lose more hearing, then I didn't want her to have to make a huge transition as an adult that would be so easy to prep for as a child. So we enrolled in an ASL class at our local library. We also downloaded sign apps on our phones, watched signing shows for children at home from Youtube, and enrolled for online courses (which some are actually free to families of children with hearing loss - pretty awesome!).<br />
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In our ASL class, our teacher is a young woman who was Hard of Hearing as a child who later lost the rest of her hearing in college. She had not been allowed to learn sign, she was forced to speak and wear hearing aids, she was in a school where no other children had hearing loss... I knew MANY families who had similar stories, except most did use ASL as a supplemental language (for when hearing aids were not being worn or in crowded/loud places where hearing is even more difficult).<br />
<br />
Until I heard her tell her story, from her point-of-view, I had NEVER considered "forcing" the word I would use on teaching kids with hearing loss how to speak. I learned that because I am a hearing person, I think like a hearing person. I am not offended by the term "hearing impaired", because I only think of it as the medical term it is. I am not upset when I see a child with a cochlear implant, because I see it as an opportunity to get back what a person would normally have. And until I took this ASL course, I never knew that to many in the Deaf Community, it is a statement of "something is so wrong with you, that brain surgery is necessary to change it".<br />
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I have never been a person with hearing loss. So I am not used to receiving the message that just being me, how I am, is wrong, is something to fix. I am not used to knowing that I am different than everyone else in my family, just being the way I am. I didn't know that there are families of multiple deaf generations who do not pursue assistive technology of any kind, nor do they make their children learn to speak. They all sign. They are all accepted in their family, just as they are, without trying to fix anything. My eyes were opened, and my mind was puzzled.<br />
<br />
And I'm not saying that learning these things means that I now think someone should never get a cochlear implant or learn to speak. It just means that these decisions are more difficult than "there is a problem, let's fix it.". Every decision made by each individual family unit for each individual child, while almost always made with good intentions, may carry with it deeper messages to your child's inner voice. Just one more thing to add to the list of to be mindful of, to consider, to fight... None of these decisions are simple, nor are they always right or always wrong... it is hard.<br />
<br />
So we decided that we would offer our daughter as much as we could of both worlds, and someday when she grew up we promised each other and her that we would be fine with whatever world she chose, even if that meant both worlds or the one we were not naturally a part of. We learned about silent dinners, deaf preschools, deaf camp, and many other events/places where hearing loss is the normal and hearing is the rare thing - sometimes even the looked-down-upon thing.<br />
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In order to be able to give our daughter as much of both worlds as possible, we would have to do many things - learn sign and sign at home, to all of us in the family, often. We would need to attend silent dinners and other events where signing would be the form of communication, putting ourselves way out of our element. We would also have to take our daughter to speech therapy, provide her with technology that would help her hear the world around her (fill in her hearing deficits), and actively participate in practicing her speech all day, every day.<br />
<br />
It was exhausting just thinking about it.<br />
<br />
We loved our sign class. We loved the fun of teaching what we learned to our kids, and it was awesome to watch them use what they learned.<br />
<br />
We found a speech therapist at a non-profit that offers free services to children with hearing loss under the age of 3! The clinic is called Hearts for Hearing, and our Auditory Verbal Therapist is Jenna. She is amazing. And she loves our Blakeley girl. Blakeley is feisty and doesn't always play along. She has her own ideas, but Jenna patiently waits, reiterates, and sees the pay-off most of the time. Auditory Verbal Therapy is speech specifically designed for those with hearing loss, and with children it is play-based. My older children have received typical speech therapy from some outstanding therapists, but their sessions are usually done without me in the room. They do 28 minutes with the therapist without me, and then the therapist summarizes to me what they worked on, how the child did, and how to practice at home in the last 2 minutes of a total 30-minute session. It is not like that with AVT. Jenna and I sit on either side of Blakeley, and whatever Jenna models, I repeat, and then we wait for Blakeley to repeat it. I love seeing and doing exactly what the therapist does, so that I know exactly what to do at home! I love the practice in a one-hour session of being so hands-on, so that the way I play with Blakeley at home is naturally molded by those practices.<br />
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But it is so incredibly strange to feel like I have had to lie, or omit the whole strategy we are implementing as a family, to both worlds.<br />
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To those we have met in the "deaf gain" community, we have emphasized our desire for Blakeley to be accepted as she is (which we really do want), that we would want her to find connection in her life with others who understand her experience (which we really do), and that we would support her no matter what communication mode she chooses when she is old enough (which we think we really do - that would definitely still be so hard if she chose to only sign, but we would try to do the selfless thing).<br />
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To her speech therapist we have emphasized our desire for her to hear and speak (which we really do want). MANY speech therapists do not approve of signing with children who struggle with speech. They see it as an intrusive crutch, an interruption to the speech process, and something that holds a speaker back instead of encouraging speech. Some studies show otherwise, some support them. Some speech/audiology clinics used to or even still do require all patients/guardians to sign a contract promising not to use sign language! I gave myself away on accident several times when I would instantly sign "drink", "eat", or "all done" to Blakeley when she would be fussy and not cooperative with Jenna during a speech session. I would instantly stop and try to act like it hadn't happened. She never grilled me about it, but she has occasionally reminded me to "give verbal cues and wait for a response before giving a visual cue." Thankfully, she has never told me not to use ASL, but obviously as a speech therapist, it makes sense that her priority would be verbal speech.<br />
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So I have felt torn for the past 6 months, acting the part that my current environment prefers. It has been confusing sometimes. It can be frustrating. But the truth is that I see both sides. I totally understand where they are all coming from, so I have played along to their preference because I want both. And Blakeley is so young. I felt it would be irresponsible to wait until she is old enough to choose how she wants to communicate, because her ability to learn both languages at her current age is so strong! Children learn language so quickly, and by the time she is mature enough to choose a world she prefers to live in, her ability to soak up new language will have diminished greatly.<br />
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We are not alone. I have heard many other parents in our situation speak of the same struggle. Others completely disagree that it is a struggle at all - they want their child to hear and speak, so why complicate things?! Or they want their child to feel completely accepted as they are without interference, so why complicate things?!<br />
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And I totally see where they are coming from too! I get it. And when Blakeley is old enough for all this to be explained to her, I hope she'll understand both sides too. I hope she will see the love that our struggle and choices have been bathed in. And I have prayed that she will become the well-rounded, contributing, empathetic, and accomplished woman that we have envisioned when looking at her future, in our dreams, and in our hearts.<br />
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Be looking for Part 4 soon - this journey just keeps getting crazier!<br />
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-For insight into the experience of getting her diagnosis, Part 1's link is <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-journey-of-hearing-loss-part-1.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
-To read about the process of getting her hearing aids, Part 2's link is <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/our-hearing-loss-journey-part-2-hearing.html" target="_blank">here</a>.Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-44642315402756415432019-01-08T13:03:00.003-08:002019-01-25T16:42:00.703-08:00Our Hearing Loss Journey Part 2 – Hearing Aids<br />
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After our daughter, Blakeley, was diagnosed with
permanent hearing loss in June, the tedious task was getting her hearing
aids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently wrote in <span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2019/01/the-journey-of-hearing-loss-part-1.html" target="_blank">Part 1</a></span> about her diagnosis
and how blessed we were by an audiologist to just take me at my word about her
diagnosis and go ahead and 1)allow me to schedule the hearing aids appointment,
2)get her ear molds ordered and 3)order her hearing aids – all without the
diagnosis report from the ENT’s office who did the sedated ABR in June!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ENT’s office took forever to get the
report to the audiologist, and if we had had to wait all that time just to get
the molds and aids ordered, who knows when we would have finally got her aided!<o:p></o:p></div>
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So my husband went with me to all audiology appointments after her
diagnosis, because we were both afraid to ever go alone again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stopped living in our naïve ignorance and
became very intentional about proactively reading, asking questions, and not
assuming any of the doctors or their offices were just going to tell us what we
needed to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went to the public
library and looked up every book they had on hearing loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One book that I absolutely loved and read
cover to cover (some others I realized after starting them, that they were
off-topic or too topic-specific, and didn’t finish them), was <u>Shouting Won’t
Help:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why I and 50 Other Million Americans
Can’t Hear You</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My eyes were opened
to the world of limited hearing, hearing aids, and the challenge of living in a
hearing world. There are millions, literally, of similar stories to this author’s,
and it was both challenging and encouraging to read an adult’s point of view,
since my daughter’s world is quite small and I was at a loss as a hearing
person on how to prepare her for the big rest of the world.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Even more challenging is that Blakeley’s diagnosis is the
opposite of what most people with a hearing disability have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most people with hearing loss/deaf gain,
especially those who are Hard of Hearing (having partial hearing, but not mostly
or completely deaf), have loss or limited hearing in high tones/pitches while
still hearing a lot of low tones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Blakeley’s audiograms show that she has mild loss in high pitches and
moderate loss in low pitches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This makes
hearing way different for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All sounds
are made of mixed tones, especially voices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Low tones are what give sounds their richness, fullness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I noticed after her diagnosis Blakeley only
turned or jumped at loud low tones, when she would easily turn toward softer high
sounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We started talking to her in high
pitched voices (as much as we could) or very closely to her ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We noticed she slept hard during storms, door
slams, etc… and really the only time someone’s voice woke her up from sleep was
my son’s 4-year-old high pitch voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
first sounds she made were Ds, Ts, Ks, Gs, which are higher sounds than the usual
sounds most kids start with Ms, Ns, and Bs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In an interesting article I read about the <a href="http://hearinglosshelp.com/blog/the-bizarre-world-of-extreme-reverse-slope-hearing-loss/#misdiagnosed" target="_blank">Bizarre World of Reverse Slope Hearing Loss</a>,
the writer had an extreme case of reverse slope hearing loss, and he could only
hear the pluck of the pick on a guitar string rather than the chords being
played by the same strum of the guitar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That example has very much stayed with me, and it has made we wonder every
day just what the world sounds like to my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, she hears, but what exactly does she
hear?</div>
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We were told by our amazing audiologist about several
programs that are free to families with children who have hearing loss, and she
did all the calling and paperwork for us to get started in these programs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We live in Oklahoma, so one program here is
called SoonerStart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We did introductory
paperwork and meetings similar to IEPs done in schools.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The woman who meets with us from the program
has to cover a vast area and many families, but on the occasions we have met
she has given me several resources regarding sign language and helped me
evaluate if Blakeley is delayed in any milestones of development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She also encouraged me to read 10 books a day
to Blakeley once she had her hearing aids for language bombardment, which is
difficult to do because Blakeley gets very angry if you go past the first page
of any book! Ha!<o:p></o:p></div>
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We were also told of a non-profit called Hearts for
Hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Originally and currently based
out of Oklahoma City, but there is a Tulsa office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were told that they would purchase Blakeley’s
hearing aids for her and provide any audiology and speech therapy services we
need until Blakeley is 3 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
were also quoted that if we went through the audiology office we had been
visiting, the expected portion for us to pay would be somewhere between $300
and $800.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were also initially told
that if we went through Hearts for Hearing to attain hearing aids for free, we would
have to use their audiologist and could only have appointments on Mondays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was worried that even though it would definitely
help our finances, but the idea of such limitations of availability of appointments
and with the quote through our private insurance being so little, we went ahead
and ordered her hearing aids through the audiologist that we had already fallen
in love with and felt so taken care of by initially at the Scholl Center.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had never seen a child with hearing aids, even as a public
school teacher for a decade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
nervous about what color to choose for Blakeley.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first I thought we should get the skin
tone color so they were less noticeable, especially since the sweet baby has
barely any hair! I pictured these big plastic hook-like shapes over the tops of
her ears, and I just wasn’t sure I could get used to such a thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thing with hearing aids is that you only
replace them every 3-5 years, because insurance won’t pay for new ones any sooner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Making that decision for her – the accessories
she would wear at all waking hours until she was 5 years old - was a lot of
pressure for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My oldest daughter’s
favorite color changed every month or so once she learned her colors, so I was
afraid of picking an actual color for Blakeley.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I also wondered if getting a skin tone implied that I was ashamed of
her hearing aids, which perhaps I was a little.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not ashamed for me, but nervous for how she would perceive herself – how
others would perceive her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally realized,
though, that Blakeley will think about them however we model for her to think
about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we consider it normal,
and maybe even fun, then so will she.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
when my oldest daughter had to pick out glasses, she easily and confidently
picked out bright pink frames… how was this any different?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend of mine also explained to me that
sometimes when her daughter who wears hearing aids is angry or frustrated, she
takes them off and throws them, often during car rides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagined me upside down in my mini van
trying to find neutral colored hearing aids at least once a week and immediately
let that be the deciding factor – we would order the brightest pink pair available!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For molds, there are many colors with things
you have have melted in – glitter, shapes, tie-died colors, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I figured if she was going to wear them every
day until Kindergarten, then I should have fun with it!<o:p></o:p></div>
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While we waited for the hearing aids to come in, I went
ahead and ordered 2 pairs of Ear Suspenders for Blakeley to begin wearing and
getting used to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a
headband/bow-obsessed mama, so Blakeley was used to always wearing an accessory
on her head, but not elastic ones and definitely not with rubber over the
ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So for several weeks before she
was aided, I had her wear her Ear Suspenders every day.<o:p></o:p></div>
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On August 7<sup>th</sup>, a month and a half after she was
diagnosed, we went in to have her hearing aids put on for the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took her picture at the Wendy’s we ate
lunch at right before the appointment, because for some reason I felt something
about my daughter was ending.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so
excited but also sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Excited that her
world would open up to so many more sounds!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sad, because her world as she knew it was going to change; she had no
idea that what she knew was flawed, limited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t just be in the world as she
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In just a few moments she would know
differently, and she would never be able to go back to being ignorant of the
fact that she was not whole on her own.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcx54So5ExIEGR_PZNtVA7HfUoZeip4hkAW_xlEY0tyy9t453vgXkTOV1Nsmv_v63H4MuODJaEYMEGzhdQOEmXn-sd6ktrE4N9hWcWn1f-NFcup408MMZ70pX-lqPcayHp3efIN9qk3T2C/s1600/before+aids+at+wendy%2527s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcx54So5ExIEGR_PZNtVA7HfUoZeip4hkAW_xlEY0tyy9t453vgXkTOV1Nsmv_v63H4MuODJaEYMEGzhdQOEmXn-sd6ktrE4N9hWcWn1f-NFcup408MMZ70pX-lqPcayHp3efIN9qk3T2C/s320/before+aids+at+wendy%2527s.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At Wendy's before the hearing aids appointment!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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There was an entire kit that came with the hearing aids, and
the audiologist went over all of it with us...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What to do if they got wet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where
to check to make sure they weren’t clogged with dirt or wax.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How to check batteries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where to order batteries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How to put the batteries in and out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How to know if she needed new molds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When to have them on, when to take them off and
to remember to turn them off…<o:p></o:p></div>
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And then Kyle held her as the audiologist put them on her for
the first time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was crying because she
didn’t like being messed with, and then as soon as one was in, she went silent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stunned silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The room was not noisy, but I thought of the
noises she hadn’t been hearing before – the air conditioning, our two older
children quietly playing in the corner… in that moment I was too happy for her
to cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I felt nothing but gratitude
for this doctor who seemed to have rescued me from fear and ignorance.<o:p></o:p></div>
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To view this video: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/keisha.mackenzie/videos/10156691584946047/">https://www.facebook.com/keisha.mackenzie/videos/10156691584946047/</a></div>
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I am ashamed to admit that the only moment I cried was when
I saw the bill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was grateful that I
did not owe the original amount of $9,000 for the pair of hearing aids, but I
was shocked and not financially prepared for the $1,500 part that we were
responsible for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The $300-$800 quote we
were originally given was already a bizarre range, but I was prepared for
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>$1,500 was quite different!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we were told if we did not pay the $1500
in full, we could not leave with the hearing aids that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no payment plan option, and I just
could not leave them there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After seeing
her response to hearing everything around her, I just couldn’t leave them behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we left that day with only a few cents left
in the bank, and I was sweating all the way home thinking about how we were
going to make it through the next week with the groceries we had in the house
and the gas we had in the cars.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We were very blessed to be helped by our parents once they
heard that the bill turned out to be twice the higher end of the original
quote, and even though I hate accepting financial help, and even just speaking
about it makes me stressed, I was overwhelmingly grateful and unable to put
into words how loved I felt in seeing our family be not only void of shame over
our daughter’s disability, but wanting to help her the same way we want to help
her.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The first two days of her wearing her hearing aids were
EXHAUSTING!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took me forever, it
seemed, to get them in just right where there wasn’t a screeching feedback
where air was getting in… and then a minute later, Blakeley would pull them
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I’d put them back on, and she’d
pull them off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was sweating from
having to hold her with my legs so I could twist and pull and push with my hands…
and then I noticed after a day and a half of me being just as stubborn as she
is, she took them off less with longer times of wearing them in between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the 3<sup>rd</sup> and 4<sup>th</sup> day,
she barely touched them!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I noticed after being aided, Blakeley would bend over as I
carried her on my hip and watch my feet on the carpet in the morning; she had never
done that before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She scream-cried when
I turned on the vacuum, which had never bothered her before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She screamed less and less than she had prior
to being aided; usually she squalled for no reason – happy, sad, mad – just the
most shrill shriek that makes your eyes flutter and body tense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She did that less and less, and we were
thankful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We also noticed that people
defended her when we got onto her when she did scream, and no one ever was
upset when she would cry in public.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Old
ladies would tell me, “Oh, you leave that sweet baby alone; she just wants to
hear herself.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have often joked that
all children should wear hearing aids so that no one will judge a mother when
her baby is inconsolable in public!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been so refreshing to see how sweet people
are, and how helpful our village of family and friends have been!<o:p></o:p></div>
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And, of course, now it is very normal for me to see hearing aids on a small child and not think twice about it. We see other babies, toddlers, school-aged children, and teens in the waiting rooms and in the pictures on the walls of all our appointments. We have even met two other children while out and about who were wearing hearing aids, and it was fun to have an instant bond with strangers!</div>
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And we began all the testing suggested to make sure her ears
were the only thing affected by the nerve damage causing her hearing loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blood was drawn as St Francis in Tulsa, an ophthalmology
appointment in Owasso, a kidney ultrasound in Muskogee, and back to Tulsa again
for an EKG, all the while going to Tulsa for audiology appointments and her
regular doctor back home to hear the results of each test.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And on top of that, we began an ASL class and
Auditory Verbal Therapy services, but those are a story all on their own!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be looking for Parts 3 and 4 (I think that
will be all?)…</div>
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<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-44800806253295094432019-01-04T20:04:00.002-08:002019-01-25T16:41:28.512-08:00Our Hearing Loss Journey Part 1 - Diagnosis<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Written in October of 2018:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I haven’t blogged in a year – a year that has tested my
strength, my energy, my emotions, my fears, my vanity, and my priorities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My last blog post was about my youngest
child’s birth story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I did not
include in that blog post was something that at the time seemed small,
insignificant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had no idea it would
take us on an emotional roller coaster that we are still riding…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Blakeley was born on October 17<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She failed her hearing screening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They cleaned her ears out more and repeated
the screening the next day – another fail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At her one-week appointment with the pediatrician, she had an ear
infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At a month she still had an
ear infection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few rounds of
antibiotics and her ears were finally clear of redness and swelling, but there
was still fluid in both ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had a
more in-depth hearing test at the health department and failed it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were referred to an audiology office in
Tulsa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A referral to an ENT in Tulsa was
also given, because she was so young that local doctors would not treat her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now, all of that fits into one paragraph, but that took 6
months to live through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to be
honest, it wasn’t a big deal for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our
oldest child had chronic ear infections and has had 3 sets of tubes due to
chronic fluid in her ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was nervous
about my 6-month-old having to go under anesthesia in order to get tubes, but I
figured that would be what solved the fluid and hearing issues she was having.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For us, it was something we had been through
before, just a different child this time.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">When Blakeley had the tubes procedure, everything seemed to
go really well. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was only fussy for a
little while as she came out of that drugged feeling, and they told us that they
were able to do a sedated ABR (the most relied upon type of hearing test)
during the procedure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said the ABR
would have to be read by their audiologist and would be discussed by the ENT in
a few weeks at the post-op appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I noticed within the next few days how Blakeley jumped at
loud noises more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Throughout the next
few weeks as people kept asking me how she was doing and how her tubes
procedure had gone, I repeatedly told them how thrilled we were that she could
hear and had better balance when sitting up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">And I figured that was it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We went on with life with 3 kids, never giving it another moment’s
thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when it came time to go to
the post-op appointment with the ENT a few weeks later, my husband went to work
instead of the appointment, and I took both daughters along so we could have
fun somewhere out on the town afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a routine event – I was thinking, ‘He’ll look in her ears, give a
thumbs up, and we’ll be on our way.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But our lives were changed, not because something happened,
but because we were told of what had already happened months before…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The ENT continued, “Well, the tubes look good and the fluid
drained as it should. Looking at the sedated ABR…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Oh, yeah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had forgotten about the hearing test they
gave her.</b><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“…Unfortunately, it shows permanent hearing loss in both
ears due to nerves not working like they should…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Wait… what?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is the doctor in the wrong room?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blakeley has been hearing better since she
got her tubes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or at least I thought she
has… does this paper he gave me even have <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">her</span>
name on it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, that <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">is</span> her name and that is the date she
had a sedated ABR, but how could she have permanent hearing loss?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought it was just the fluid limiting her
hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The doctor was sure, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or did I just assume that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can this be right?!</b><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">He was still speaking, even though I wasn’t listening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was working very hard at trying to look
like I was listening, so he kept going, “… the dead nerves interfere with her
hearing… nothing can reverse the damage made to the nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hearing loss is permanent, and there is
no cure for hearing loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
recommendation would be hearing aids… some people choose not to seek out adaptive
technology, but since you as parents are hearing, most hearing parents choose
to use hearing aids… if the condition worsens over time, then cochlear implants
would be the next option… this side of the audiogram shows low frequencies,
this side is the high frequencies… here is at normal conversational volume like
we are talking now… it is great that she has already been tested at the Scholl
Center before she had her tubes, because they are who I would recommend you to
follow up with for looking at the hearing aids…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">By this time I had started listening as hard as I could
while also trying not to cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept
swallowing hard, afraid that each time I did, it would squeeze tears out of my
eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not sure why it was so
important for me not to cry, but for some reason I had this great need to
control my emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had 2 daughters
in the room, one seemingly oblivious because she was very busy trying to get
the eraser out of her mechanical pencil’s lid, and the other was oblivious
because apparently, she may not be hearing anything the doctor was saying?!?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">A million thoughts were going through my mind, like:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">What did he just say?<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">So, what <span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">can</span> she hear?<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">I wish Kyle had come
with me.<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Why didn’t they warn
me that I would be hearing life-changing news today and would maybe want to
bring someone with me?!<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, maybe this isn’t
life-changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He said “moderate to mild”
hearing loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that is what he
said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think he also said the left is
worse than the right.<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Why is he smiling?</b><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The doctor was still speaking, “Because sensorineural
hearing loss is due to damaged nerves, we will also need to make sure that
other areas of her body have not been affected by nerve damage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most common areas affected can be the
heart, kidneys, eyes… so we will need to be ordering an EKG, a kidney
ultrasound, vision tests, and if she goes without symptoms perhaps also an MRI
and CAT scan when she is old enough where she wouldn’t need to be sedated for
those… You will also need to think about if you want to have some genetic
testing done in order to find out the “why” of the hearing loss… since she has
been failing hearing screenings from birth, we might benefit from knowing where
the loss comes from… what we learn from the genetic testing does not change how
we treat the hearing loss, but it may help point us forward in the right
direction if your other children need testing, if anything else may be a
concern, or if you plan on having more children…”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh, I think he just
asked me if I have any questions… I don’t even know what he just said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess I shouldn't ask him to repeat
everything he just said in the last 5 minutes…?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe I should.<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">No, don’t cry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t cry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Widen your eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">No, Emersyn, I don’t
want to try to get the stupid eraser out of your pencil lid!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t you tell that the doctor is giving me
bad news?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, maybe you can’t,
because he is smiling like he is giving me the weather report on the news.</i><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Did I just say that I
don’t have any questions?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess I
don’t, because I don’t know enough about any of this to ask questions.<o:p></o:p></span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>I am going to have to
call my husband and tell him what this doctor just said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I understood this paper and these
words more so I could explain it the right way.</b></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, because I had just said that I had no questions and
nodded in agreement with everything he said, the appointment was over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I gathered up the baby, the diaper bag, and told my
6-year-old to follow me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walked right
out of the office, past the window, out the door, down the hall, and started
toward the elevator.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The tears started
to come, but then I remembered that I was supposed to go to the window to make
an appointment in 6 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told my
daughter that we had to go back while I wiped my face with my sort-of free
hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">My 6-year-old daughter said, “Mama, what was the doctor
saying about Blakeley?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did he say that
she can’t hear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are hearing aids?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Shhh!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t answer
any questions right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to talk
to the lady at the window.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The lady at the window asked me if mornings or evenings work
best for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to forget my
present crisis and attempted to think what my days will look like in 6 months’
time… “Uh, mornings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But not too early,
I live an hour and a half from here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">She asks me if some random date in December works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ask if that is a Wednesday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She says no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I say, “Then that is fine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
hands me an appointment card.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We start to walk out again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No tears this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just fog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to think about what the doctor just
told me, and it feels like remembering a dream after just waking up… the harder
I thought about it, the foggier it all became.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We got to the car in the parking garage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got my phone out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>I wonder if I can wait
until I see my husband in person to say this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, I can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promised my oldest
we would eat lunch out in Tulsa – her choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can’t be fun if I haven’t told him.</b></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, I called him, and I told him what I could remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I honestly do not remember much of this phone
call, except that I did call him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he
was sorry I was alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was sorry
he wasn’t there with me to ask his questions to the doctor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And he lovingly reminded me that while we
were completely shocked by this news, God was not surprised in the
slightest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His wisdom felt like a hug in
that lonely moment giving such awful news to my best friend on the phone in a
parking garage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Yes, God has always known.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And according to this test, Blakeley had been without hearing since my pregnancy with her, so
nothing has changed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, our world
will never be the same.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The ENT had given me two pieces of paper (I think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now after everything that has gone on, I am
questioning my memory of most things).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
tucked them away with my planner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One
had a bunch of writing on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other
had a little writing with a graph – what I now know as an audiogram.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I texted my mom, sister, and my prayer group from church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I had lunch with my daughters at Raising Cane’s and drove
home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That evening, I googled as many terms I could remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I looked on Facebook for some sort of
group for parents of children with impaired hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I joined a group and noticed that at the top
of the page it said I had a friend in the group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I followed the link to find an old friend
from college and discipleship group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
messaged her what I had found out and asked her if she could send me any basic
information on what to read, look at, expect, etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She sent me several long messages in return.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they were so very helpful!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told me her daughter’s story from
beginning to present in detail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
explained some basic knowledge and what to expect in the ways of medical tests
and doctor visits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I admit I spent most of the next day reading as much as I
could on the parents’ support group page and googling any terms I did not
understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I typed up a “helpful
information on hearing loss” sheet for my husband… something I wish someone had
given me at the doctor’s office.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And I had a good cry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Something I had needed to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By
myself, without having to pretend I was fine around my children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I worried that Blakeley would feel like a
freak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She won’t feel beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Growing up is already hard enough, and in an
image-obsessed world, I wondered how hard it will be for her to see herself in
a good light.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And thankfully I found the video “<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMPa2NIAsyE" target="_blank">Welcome to Holland</a>”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It made me bawl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It made me smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It gave me some relief. The filmmaker knew
that just like every other parent, I had dreamed of what my child would become
in life, what she would do in this world… never once did I dream she would be
lacking one of her 5 senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The things
that help us operate, function, and succeed in this world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never occurred to me that my child
wouldn’t be perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The filmmaker
understood that I was grieving the hearing that my child never had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
afraid of the challenges she will face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was afraid of the challenges I will face in raising her in a hearing
world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The video explains that what
every expectant parent envisions is like picturing and planning an exotic
vacation to a dream destination… but instead your plane lands in Holland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You look around in frustration - this is not
the picturesque dream you planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Before you were looking forward to experiencing something foreign, but
now it is the kind of foreign where you feel stuck in the wrong place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before you were thrilled for a short
adventure, but now you are permanently on a journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are no longer an excited tourist, you are
a baffled outsider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But soon, and only
after some bumps in the road, you realize that Holland isn’t scary or sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes it can be disappointing when you
look at pictures of that other place you thought you were flying to, but you
eventually find that Holland is unique.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Holland is interesting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holland
is delightful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And this is when I started to let go of my dream and embrace
my reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I started to put
myself in Blakeley’s situation (which I know isn’t fair, because she and I are
two different people).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wondered if I
were in a wheelchair and never saw another kid in a wheelchair, would I feel
alone in the world?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I thought
about how excited I would feel if I did meet another child in a wheelchair… but
communication would probably not be a challenge… within the community of those with
hearing loss communication is widely varied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I pictured Blakeley finally meeting another child with hearing aids, but
being disappointed if that child only used sign language… how disappointing
that would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last thing I want for
my daughter is to grow up feeling like she doesn’t belong to the hearing world
or the deaf world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*******<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Two days after getting Blakeley’s diagnosis, my son had an
appointment with the Scholl Center because he had recently failed two hearing
screenings, or ear pressure tests, or whatever it was that he had an
appointment for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, I was walking
around in a cloud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All 3 of my children
had experienced some kind of medical appointments this year due to their ears,
and I was drowning in the names or terms for things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son is 4-years-old, and he did a very good
job of listening to the internist speak to him over the microphone while he sat
in a booth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was watching him through
the window while glancing over to my daughters playing in the floor every so
often.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My oldest daughter had failed her hearing tests several
years before, and with her history of repeated ear infections over a year’s
time, I had been warned to be prepared for the hearing loss to be permanent due
to scar tissue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had ended up quite
the opposite!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had only needed a
second set of tubes so her ears could drain fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wore the second set of tubes for 3 years
and caught up completely in speech therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My blog post on that experience is at <a href="https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2015/08/rejoicing-when-she-covers-her-ears.html">https://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2015/08/rejoicing-when-she-covers-her-ears.html</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just this year, over Spring Break, we had to have my
oldest’s ear tubes removed because if they are in the ears longer than 3 years,
the holes usually do not close back up after they fall out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then my son failed 3 tests done over several months’
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But thankfully on the day he was
in the booth at the Scholl Center, he passed his hearing test beautifully, and
the pressure in both ears was fine too!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He has horrible allergies, so it was concluded that perhaps the 3 failed
tests from before was due to congestion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As we were walking out, I thought, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><b>This is my chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a ton
of questions about Blakeley, and I am in an audiology office!</b><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I asked the internist on the way out, “Look, I know my
appointment today is for my son, and not my baby, but we found out yesterday
that she has permanent hearing loss, and I have no idea what any of it
means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has been seen here before and
will be coming back soon to be aided.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do
you have a pamphlet, a book, a website, anything that could give me a starting
place in understanding what all is going on with my daughter?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She was so sweet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I was at the front desk making a follow-up appointment for my son,
here came the internist with the first audiologist that had tested Blakeley’s
hearing when she was much younger – months beforehand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was so warm and friendly, and she asked
if she could hold Blakeley while I wrote some things down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her everything I could remember from
the visit with the ENT from two days before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And she understood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She knew the
strain my mind and heart were under.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
then, without even seeing the diagnosis report, she made me an appointment for
the next week for Blakeley to get the molds for her hearing aids made.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asked me if I would like her to sign us
up with SoonerStart, a free government program that provides services for any
child with permanent hearing loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
agreed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gave me a book about hearing
loss and how if affects the whole family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She also gave me a children’s book to read to my oldest two kids so they
could understand what was going on with the baby.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I left with less weight on my shoulders, knowing that the
audiologist we were going to be working with long-term wanted me to understand,
be informed, and she cared about my child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am not saying the ENT did not care about my baby girl; he just gave me
too much information in a vulnerable state of being by myself without any
background knowledge or forewarning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*******<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next week at the ear molds appointment, the diagnosis
report still had not been sent over to the audiologist’s office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was kicking myself in the rear for not
bringing the papers the ENT had given me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My husband had come with us, and he asked her every question he could
think of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She made the molds of
Blakeley’s ears, we picked out the brand and color of her hearing aids, so they
could be ordered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I got back home, I couldn’t find the two papers from
the ENT anywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was frustrated that
what seemed like an eternity had passed, and now we had no way of showing the
audiologist what the diagnosis was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">*******<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A few Sundays later as we sang in worship service at church,
I listened to my 6-year-old try to read the words from the screen as she sang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I wondered how my youngest daughter would
understand the songs we sing, especially for those years before she knows how
to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even with hearing aids, I have
learned that kids have to learn how to differentiate the sounds into what is
important and what isn’t – what is a voice, traffic sounds, the buzz from the
classroom lights, etc… will music just be noise to her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will the instruments and voices just blend
together?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found myself suddenly
grief-stricken, because our family loves music so much… and music is so much a part
of the Christian’s life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I MUST LEARN SIGN.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ALL must
learn sign.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYQ2oMszr0ARECij3vc51-EmJBYgOofM0VL-egiApiiplXVA8RkeKoiPRJO11hs5feTWpfu-pu0JHrgBK7iMpmBgsZKmteWQlRWoPi8ePsOabR2LuE51ih_OYMzAltu3NewpgilQU5Jf6e/s1600/RIGHT+EAR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="645" data-original-width="596" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYQ2oMszr0ARECij3vc51-EmJBYgOofM0VL-egiApiiplXVA8RkeKoiPRJO11hs5feTWpfu-pu0JHrgBK7iMpmBgsZKmteWQlRWoPi8ePsOabR2LuE51ih_OYMzAltu3NewpgilQU5Jf6e/s320/RIGHT+EAR.jpg" width="295" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I made these charts with points marking where Blakeley's hearing loss is; sounds above the dots cannot be heard.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVIv_nXCcyyv5CeAMaVz7x6eIU67ZpwyICVSTnHBoeDan5tUqv72P5Cmz69Z5VsoCcElMr3VOhYdMXY18V87FJa0v4f5vi2ahSKJiQttx4gNpTdhhLRMg9R3XLJmjOy9JObWWVPK9TpB9c/s1600/LEFT+EAR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="645" data-original-width="596" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVIv_nXCcyyv5CeAMaVz7x6eIU67ZpwyICVSTnHBoeDan5tUqv72P5Cmz69Z5VsoCcElMr3VOhYdMXY18V87FJa0v4f5vi2ahSKJiQttx4gNpTdhhLRMg9R3XLJmjOy9JObWWVPK9TpB9c/s320/LEFT+EAR.jpg" width="295" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Blakeley’s actual diagnosis, according to this test, is “moderate to profound/severe
upward sloping to mild hearing loss”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> This type of hearing los</span>s is permanent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The statistics show there
is a great chance that over time she will lose more hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no known cure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no known reversal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My daughter hears many things, but she does not hear them the way I
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> This test tells us that s</span>he hears in parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many people think that hearing loss means
that it is like the volume has been turned down, but it is much more complex
than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, Blakeley hears
the voices around her, but she hears higher tones better (I say better, because
with mild loss, high tones may still be muffled or faint), but hardly hears
lower tones unless they are loud… think about how we talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some alphabet sounds are higher than
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people’s voices are lower
than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But everyone’s voice is a
mix of tones, and it is the low tones that give our voices their richness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have no idea what Blakeley hears when I
speak to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She hears when my voice is
loud, high-pitched, and when saying higher pitched phonic/alphabet sounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like her name, for instance, B-L-A-K-E-L-E-Y,
the B, Ls, and A are low sounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The ee
sound made by E-Y is the only higher pitch in her name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">So how did she learn her name?<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">She reads lips.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><i>Yes, a baby can read lips.</i></b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I sat her on my lap and made absolutely no movements except
for mouthing the words (with absolutely no sound), “Patty cake, patty cake,
baker’s man”… and she was clapping before I even finished the line...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My baby has already had to resort to survival skills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kids with fewer resources learn very quickly
how to get by, tricks to survive, and are having to use parts of their
intellect that other children do not have to tap into.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now that I have been immersed in the “parent of a Hard of
Hearing child” world for several months, I have read many posts in my online
support groups from parents who question and doubt their child’s ABR/hearing
tests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They just cannot believe that a
child who responds to sound can be deaf or HoH (hard of hearing).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I can imagine their smiling Facebook
profile pictures change into looks of shock when one of us has to comment “Your
child is reading your lips, not hearing your voice.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know exactly what that moment of shock,
shame, and sorrow is like… shock because it never occurred to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shame because it never occurred to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorrow… because it never occurred to you.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxKFklcmaGgcHuBuKn5FpVQ08G_2BZhh-MqXf9vMv4JOGoJP9DTnu2VlXWq2hJQUpt2_rerlaQeuaaUcEwoDumsY4o3xtjk8bjiwZtAiL9MZhTJAlgeg-afkcLiY-jArQr6CQKWrRZ1oIZ/s1600/FIRST+DAY+WITH+AIDS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxKFklcmaGgcHuBuKn5FpVQ08G_2BZhh-MqXf9vMv4JOGoJP9DTnu2VlXWq2hJQUpt2_rerlaQeuaaUcEwoDumsY4o3xtjk8bjiwZtAiL9MZhTJAlgeg-afkcLiY-jArQr6CQKWrRZ1oIZ/s320/FIRST+DAY+WITH+AIDS.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">1st day to wear her hearing aids around 10 months old!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But thankfully after months of appointments, tests, hearing aids, reading
books and articles, taking an introductory ASL class, immersing Blakeley in
Auditory Verbal Therapy (speech therapy designed for person with hearing loss),
and just living life day-to-day with hearing aids just being another part of
everyday detail and routine in our home, we are no longer fearful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> All we have ever wanted from day 1 is</span> to give Blakeley everything she
needs to be prepared for all that may come her way, and so much has happened since then that I couldn't possibly fit it all into one post (not even a ridiculously long one like this)!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To be continued… be looking for part 2 soon (and parts 3 and 4, I'm sure, ha!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-80092380224649196612017-10-31T14:51:00.000-07:002017-10-31T16:56:51.886-07:00Welcome to the Light, Blakeley Anne Greer<div style="text-align: center;">
To read my previous pregnancy and birth stories and see the awesome (to me, anyway) pictures of my babies getting pulled out of my stomach, follow these links: </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-good-bad-and-hilarious-absolute.html" target="_blank"><i><b>Pregnancy and Emersyn's Birth</b></i></a> and/or <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2014/05/welcome-to-light-keegan-russell.html" target="_blank"><b><i>Keegan's Birth</i></b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I have told the story of how this baby was <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2017/03/the-baby-i-was-too-afraid-to-ask-for.html" target="_blank"><b><i>a surprise</i></b></a>. She is our <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2017/07/having-my-rainbow-baby-my-lovehate.html" target="_blank"><b><i>Rainbow Baby</i></b></a>; the baby we were blessed with soon after <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2016/10/learning-to-love-and-live-through-loss.html" target="_blank"><b><i>miscarrying a previous pregnancy</i></b></a>. She is also the baby we did not know she was a she until she was born. This was the baby that the planner in me was going more crazy than usual - I didn't know the baby's name, gender, or size. I couldn't buy clothes ahead of time, personalize anything, or even know what size of diapers or gender-neutral clothing to buy. My first baby was 10lbs 10oz and skipped NewBorn clothing and diaper sizes. My second baby was 8lbs at birth, but was so tiny that even NewBorn sizes swallowed him!<br />
<br />
When my husband and I got to the hospital at 5am on October 17th, 2017, I knew 2 things: 1) The baby's name would start with a B, either Blakeley for a girl or Brooks for a boy, and 2) I had a checklist of things I was dreading that I would have to endure throughout this C-section process.<br />
<br />
My CheckList was as follows:<br />
1)The spinal block with my husband in another room (I get fearful when he is not present)<br />
2)The freezing cold O.R. where I shook so badly last time, I thought my spinal block was going to miss.<br />
3)The lack of sleep - with my C-sections I had had such an adrenaline rush once my babies were "here" that I had stayed wide awake for 2 days in the hospital while everyone else slept.<br />
4)The first feeding - breastfeeding is supposed to be natural, but it seems so foreign each time you start with a new baby<br />
5)Catheter - no explanation needed<br />
6)First shower - everything is sore and everything feels like jello... bad combination for trying to stand and move securely in a wet, slippery environment<br />
7)Going to the bathroom<br />
8)Staples removal<br />
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The awesome thing was that almost nothing was as bad as I thought it was going to be, or bad as I remembered from my previous two c-sections. The nurses in the operating room were in a very jovial mood. I was joking and laughing with them so much, I forgot to be nervous about the spinal block. And the room wasn't even cold! Then I kept cracking up, because everyone kept talking about the "cute anesthesiologist", which I guess is the one I had. He was a friendly guy, and he shocked me when he said verbatim, "You seem like a normal person, so I'm not going to strap your arms down once your spinal takes effect. Some people try to 'help out' during a procedure, but if you think you can just relax your arms the whole time, then we'll just have your arms free." And I was thinking, 'You don't even know me!' And I was worried that maybe I was one of those people who like to "help out" and just didn't know it yet! Ha! So as they laid me down once my spinal had started working, I kept playing the mental note over and over in my mind, 'DON'T move your arms!'<br />
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Then they put the blue paper curtain thing up, Kyle came in, and we got started (or at least that is how I think the order went). I felt a lot of tugging, and everyone kept updating me and talking to us. Then I heard, "There's a head, but we don't know if it is a boy or girl yet"... "Shoulders, still don't know"... and then finally someone, I think the doctor, said "It's a girl!"<br />
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And I said, "YAY!"<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuZzju9i5zmhEiSOf8trHqFUhj_fklRjoXx_d0ZbsFaA9jXkbLpqTOc0tFIcOFVOaeDvqUlw_7R_QVO2aLcsfDwZjxv6yUz-mK5628WnNIJPcunKwCodhUd02vH2OnbVN9B86TfqLijXXl/s1600/image3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="240" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuZzju9i5zmhEiSOf8trHqFUhj_fklRjoXx_d0ZbsFaA9jXkbLpqTOc0tFIcOFVOaeDvqUlw_7R_QVO2aLcsfDwZjxv6yUz-mK5628WnNIJPcunKwCodhUd02vH2OnbVN9B86TfqLijXXl/s400/image3.JPG" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">That is NOT her shoulder; that is my stomach!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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I'm not sure why, but right before we had gone back for the c-section, I knew my true feelings and hopes for a girl. I had told my husband, "I'm just being honest, but I think I will be a little sad if it is a boy." He said he probably would be a little sad if it was a girl. So either way, one of us was going to be super happy and the other one would come around, and he definitely has!<br />
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I have made up little lullabies for my older two kids that include their name and something about we are thankful for them or them being a gift from God... but I had't made up a song for this child because this child's name was unknown until the 17th. My husband has become so smitten by our new little angel, that he came up with her song this time, and it melts my wife's and mama's heart to hear him sing it to her!<br />
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So once I knew I had another daughter, my heart felt like it would burst with excitement! Of course, they started cleaning her up and they kept cleaning me out and sewing me up. LOTS of tugging and pressure!!! I was also having a tubule done, so maybe that is what seemed to be taking longer than usual.<br />
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I got to smooch on her face a little, but I didn't get to hold her, which was disappointing. I had been allowed to hold my son last time on my chest (but my arms had been strapped down then). Then they took me to "recovery" for an hour or so... I do remember with my first 2 c-sections, I slept hard during this time because I had barely been able to keep my eyes open during the procedures. I had felt so groggy those other times for that hour or so right after having the babies... but this time I was WIDE awake. Again, the nurses were very friendly, jovial, and we chatted like old friends... more discussion of the cute anesthesiologist... and talk about our birth stories and one of the male nurses spoke of his wife expecting their first child soon.<br />
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Then to the room to get to hold Blakeley for the first time. She looked so much like my oldest, my other daughter, that it was a surreal moment like I was holding Emersyn all over again! But I soon discovered Blakeley's unique physical features and personality traits, all sweet just like Emersyn and Keegan had been, but aspects unique only to her. She has a dimple in her left cheek, a swirl/crown in her hair in a random place that I'm sure she'll hate when she is grown up, and her legs are very skinny while she is rather chubby in the middle.<br />
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We had many friends and family come to visit over the next 2 days, and we loved every minute of it! We love having people over to our home, and that hospital room was our home for a couple of days... and loved ones filled it with oohs and awws, hugs, kisses, conversation, laughs, and gifts. We are truly blessed, and I am ever so thankful!<br />
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Keegan wanted a brother, and I was worried he would not appreciate this new sister, but he seemed to love her right away! He has only held her twice in the 2 weeks she has been on the outside, but he has given her thousands of kisses and hugs!<br />
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Emersyn was on a school field trip, so she didn't get to meet her baby sister until she had returned and Pawpaw had picked her up from school. She was beaming as she held her sister, the baby sister she has been begging us for for over 2 years now, and she wants to hold her at least once a day.<br />
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Her name's story is definitely different from our older kids'. Our first child's first name is her grandmother's maiden name. Our second child's first name starts with the same letter as my husband's so they can have the same nickname, and his middle name is my father's first name. But this third child was not going to originally have a family name. At first it didn't even occur to me, because I loved the name we had picked out SO much! Blakeley Greer - we like last names as first names, and we just like Blakeley. It is strong yet feminine. Greer is another name I have always liked after my favorite actress from the 40s, Greer Garson, who plays Elizabeth Bennet, of course, opposite of Lawrence Olivier in the black and white version of Pride and Prejudice (this version actually does not follow the book very closely at all, but I still love it). But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that just wasn't good enough. Her name needed more meaning or sentiment. I started to think about my mom's name. Her middle name is Annette (sorry for making that public, Mama, if you are reading this), so I started to think about the name Anne. I have always thought giving a child more than one middle name is silly, but I started to see why I wanted to. I couldn't let go of Blakeley or Greer, and I wondered if it would sound too weird to all 3 names... once I said "Blakeley Anne Greer" out loud, it just sounded right. And then when I realized that Anne is both my grandmothers' middle names, I knew I was more okay with honoring 3 women I love more than I cared about a dumb rule I had about giving a kid too many names. So I asked my husband if he was okay with it, and he immediately was, which shocked me. Then I asked my mom if she was okay with it, which she was! So I know people were thrown when her official name was announced, because I had never mentioned Anne as a part of it before. But it was important and just felt right to add this piece of legacy to her name... Blakeley Anne Greer. I love it as much as I love her!!!<br />
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And that is pretty much the whole story - very uneventful, which is just how I prefer birth stories to go. Perhaps "third time [really] is the charm", because this was by far my easiest delivery, recovery, and baby! She is mostly calm, eats well, sleeps well, and loves to be held and snuggled. She is deeply loved, and we look forward to seeing who she is and who she becomes!<br />
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Welcome to the light, Blakeley Anne Greer! We love you so much and can't imagine life without you!<br />
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Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-74962445658893854622017-10-04T12:43:00.005-07:002019-01-05T15:21:53.804-08:00Bad Morning for This Okay Mom<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I am going to be real. This morning was ROUGH. Like "I am a terrible mother" and "These children are awful" kind of rough! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Now, we have conflict and chaos in our lives like everyone, but I can usually just rely on God's grace alone and not dwell on it all... I guess I am usually too sanguine to allow guilt or anger to weigh on me too long.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But this morning was more rough than any I ever remember. Both my kids decided they didn't want to cooperate. I repeated myself more than I should have, and let them take too long to obey because I was distracted with my own getting ready. It felt convenient, but it wasn't loving. I did not have my husband at home to help for the 3rd morning in a row (not his fault at all; I'm not blaming him). It was a wash-hair day for me, and even though they always sleep through the sound of my husband showering, they were both wide awake and hyper while I was soaked behind the shower curtain, so I let them watch tv too long while I got ready. The shirt Em wanted to wear for 80s day was missing, but we spent half an hour looking for it. I yelled, because who knows where she put it after wearing it last time (her dirty clothes don't always get in the basket). Then I made her wear normal clothes,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">and I refused to even give her a side pony tail. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Then my kids and the little girl we drive to preschool all started fighting over which side of the car they get in on - "This is my side!" they were all yelling at each other and tattling that someone else used "their door" or "their side". And I lost my patience! I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, or sit down and cry! Instead I told them that none of them owned the car, and that every side of the car was MINE. I told them they only get to ride in the car because I let them. I said if they wanted a ride, they better just get in and hush while I was being nice to let them. The only other choices were to walk in the rain or miss school (which is a lot to explain to 3 children ages 5 and under). But I guess they understood, because thankfully they all bought it and got really quiet and got in their seats. Then my kids ate cold leftover biscuits and string cheese for breakfast in the car on the way to school; I seriously had considered not feeding them at all. Emersyn got her first tardy. And I forgot to pack her lunch.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I did try to end the morning on a positive note while they were quietly riding in "my car" before Em got out of the car for school. But basically the morning was a massive failure. And it was how we started the day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I kept mulling the guilt over in my mind for a while until I realized that the day isn't over, and these kids need to see repentance and forgiveness by the end of the day. Yes, I am very pregnant and tired. And yes, they were acting like they hadn't ever been taught to behave. But my responses are MINE, and no one and nothing else can be blamed for my behavior.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The Lord is gracious, and it is His kindness that compels us to love and obey Him. His perfection is my hope and my redemption, not my own (obviously, since I have none of that).</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I am SO thankful that HIS grace is sufficient for crappy mornings, noons, and nights. And that even "bad moms" can get it right, not because they handle things perfectly, but because they depend upon the God who loves and forgives perfectly!</span></div>
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Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-21849440362538623202017-08-15T20:30:00.002-07:002017-08-15T20:49:14.234-07:00Back to School: Homemade LunchablesIt is that time again! SCHOOL TIME!!! I am one of those weirdos who loved school so much as a kid, that I get giddy for my daughter to experience the same...<br />
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But my daughter and I are very different. I LOVED cafeteria food - still do! I loved the rectangle pizza, the thick mac and cheese, the salad bar, mashed potatoes, bread rolls, weird meat with gravy on top that they called salisbury steak, meatloaf, and whatever other possibly frozen, processed, food served in mass thing those awesome cafeteria ladies slopped onto my tray.<br />
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But with my daughter, it is easier to name the things she will eat than the numerous things she won't. She won't any vegetable AT ALL! And no matter how I have tried to hide them in things she will eat, it is like she can sniff them out! She won't even eat potatoes unless they are French fries or tater tots! Who doesn't like mashed potatoes or friend potatoes or cheese potatoes?!<br />
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Anyhoo, so last year I started sending her packed lunches to school at Pre-K. On occasion when they were having something I knew she would eat at least 2 things on her tray, then I would let her eat cafeteria food - and the food program that year was FREE for ALL students!<br />
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This year, I am still going to mostly send her packed lunches, but not so much for the pickiness factor. This year it costs money, and really not that much at all for eating a meal "out"! But I knew that I could pack lunches cheaper and be sure that everything I pack is something my daughter will eat.<br />
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But again, the list of things she'll eat are limited, and there is the added difficulty that packed lunches to school cannot be something that needs to be heated up. So what to do?<br />
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I got this idea one evening when I was grocery shopping with my kids in-tow. Usually I buy my kids each a Lunchable to eat on while I shop. It is pretty cheap, quiet, not too messy, and keeps them occupied so<em> </em>I can get the shopping done! I decided NOT to throw away the empty Lunchable plastic trays after I had scanned and paid for them like I usually did. Instead, I took them home, washed them with soap and hot water, and let them air dry.<br />
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And the next time I took my kids to the pool or splash pad or zoo, instead of buying a Lunchable at the store, I filled those previous trays with lunch goodies from home! My kids LOVE it! They love how different they can be and that I occasionally fill one of the compartments with Sour Patch Kids!<br />
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So when Emersyn went back to school, I decided to price-check a typical homemade lunchable to see if it was cost-effective for me to NOT buy her cafeteria lunches AND NOT buy her actual Lunchables from the store. I was surprised at how cheap I can pack her a lunch she loves, and her lunchable, once it is unwrapped, looks just like the student's next to her after they peel back their Lunchable seal.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9O5WtagcoPoQL_oTxyE8EFHf8XslwKf30JCsoKOx3nNKIa0badVusu1khg4kPEcWvR2K035jGiyzzJwhSd6H3bJEmWt_oiJnk0q2NpMpGvMLsAiSuRqXCGMmfEClxNws1jusBjcguHfzY/s1600/containers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9O5WtagcoPoQL_oTxyE8EFHf8XslwKf30JCsoKOx3nNKIa0badVusu1khg4kPEcWvR2K035jGiyzzJwhSd6H3bJEmWt_oiJnk0q2NpMpGvMLsAiSuRqXCGMmfEClxNws1jusBjcguHfzY/s400/containers.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I pull the cardboard off the bottom of each store-bought Lunchable I occasionally buy (which is the brown you see at the bottom of some compartments where it was glued to the plastic) and write " Do NOT throw away" in the center so the container comes back home at the end of the school day.</td></tr>
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So here's what I do:<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kjoGAWd_GGCmaXLowbszXl6Nagzw9mV_n2a1pb02iIZxlWpXGo2fySYnVk0hJc4pj6GUubQ0_s6yuwCd4K2btHdW_V1g8LbQGFwenJlYbIO7S0XPVTXyvCJNMq1duONeFuOFs0O29Lzh/s1600/cheese.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1kjoGAWd_GGCmaXLowbszXl6Nagzw9mV_n2a1pb02iIZxlWpXGo2fySYnVk0hJc4pj6GUubQ0_s6yuwCd4K2btHdW_V1g8LbQGFwenJlYbIO7S0XPVTXyvCJNMq1duONeFuOFs0O29Lzh/s320/cheese.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I choose different kinds of cheese. Just slice each piece into 9 little squares! <br />
This amount costs me about 14 cents!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN7UJl34ZX3oyXsC4fxNIWdQ6wktp5rxZGbn_U3fIIkWvhN-OUM-otJUcV2r0EFM_94LqG9fz0lVAZkNaB25wMdgNYdejeJJMIPljAP93TG0jYuruDWhVJ7oS97okrQOMFhft_hjS5iM01/s1600/crackers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgN7UJl34ZX3oyXsC4fxNIWdQ6wktp5rxZGbn_U3fIIkWvhN-OUM-otJUcV2r0EFM_94LqG9fz0lVAZkNaB25wMdgNYdejeJJMIPljAP93TG0jYuruDWhVJ7oS97okrQOMFhft_hjS5iM01/s320/crackers.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My son LOVES these crackers! He won't touch the real Lunchable ones! <br />
This amount of crackers costs me about 15 cents!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-zTF3QLz-AsfnyYVng9m_SBV1s2pso5vUVv6uPiFs1BfWR9Kq0ExqkZs-DmEj2J2mEmojrr-6DqHWEmQOuN1rHPextEFbAlu0JPunLz77-eH5SNAl9_nd1sP8_qf0TWMpiVBbHKrRmxh5/s1600/meat+choices.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="466" data-original-width="960" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-zTF3QLz-AsfnyYVng9m_SBV1s2pso5vUVv6uPiFs1BfWR9Kq0ExqkZs-DmEj2J2mEmojrr-6DqHWEmQOuN1rHPextEFbAlu0JPunLz77-eH5SNAl9_nd1sP8_qf0TWMpiVBbHKrRmxh5/s400/meat+choices.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I also buy different types of lunch meat. This was all I had on-hand for this pic, <br />
but I have also packed fully-cooked frozen chicken nuggets<br />
and by the time she has lunch they have thawed in her lunch bag!<br />
The pepperoni and Canadian bacon pieces come in circles, just like the meat in real Lunchables.<br />
For deli meats, I slice into small squares the same way I do the cheese.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUyaA19JJTZ0xpTw3PVIrJH93SpoQdy4IQJdBUTsACmyIrqa3w7hTvYBr4mXBiQ2pwwcTyo41xcIz7wgqZVgOMTwKmvwgEsTTR-_YGcMIVP9Q_OIHhPU9F4wgetwS5appRTvLBkWZC_6pZ/s1600/packing+lunchable+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUyaA19JJTZ0xpTw3PVIrJH93SpoQdy4IQJdBUTsACmyIrqa3w7hTvYBr4mXBiQ2pwwcTyo41xcIz7wgqZVgOMTwKmvwgEsTTR-_YGcMIVP9Q_OIHhPU9F4wgetwS5appRTvLBkWZC_6pZ/s640/packing+lunchable+2.jpg" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One version of a typical "Lunchable"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbukEVx5vO1JVDtI8POpdDSw1ajWnrs8w0lFsNj-iWVQbe3shYyv_uuLH9rM8FUmnGyWZow0dcwJGz0til9HY8zHrUD9SvMJd1J1-q_MOlPlFiCsrvYdj9rmnGUbHS3yGm8Ins-huINvhL/s1600/sandwich+bags.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="916" data-original-width="960" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbukEVx5vO1JVDtI8POpdDSw1ajWnrs8w0lFsNj-iWVQbe3shYyv_uuLH9rM8FUmnGyWZow0dcwJGz0til9HY8zHrUD9SvMJd1J1-q_MOlPlFiCsrvYdj9rmnGUbHS3yGm8Ins-huINvhL/s320/sandwich+bags.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"But how do you keep everything from falling out of the compartments?"<br />
I'm glad you asked! I wrap them in sandwich sized baggies that have a fold top.<br />
They fit pretty good on this 3-compartment sized lunchable tray, but stretch just perfectly over the 4-compartment trays better!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrku-3DCT3riq17lo79lDRg23I2gKzdO_2ozy-CxSCNcGtTW9qERGmCT6L_v0kVzuvixuPTtZwOeYbnNXZy2nEFzysAmA34Ouv7sL7oTTAYjev9OENxmouP_OkSPIvplgSBfoi_6jJl34/s1600/wrapping+lunchable.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhrku-3DCT3riq17lo79lDRg23I2gKzdO_2ozy-CxSCNcGtTW9qERGmCT6L_v0kVzuvixuPTtZwOeYbnNXZy2nEFzysAmA34Ouv7sL7oTTAYjev9OENxmouP_OkSPIvplgSBfoi_6jJl34/s640/wrapping+lunchable.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Put the tray into the baggy, push the long flap over the side and on top of the tray,<br />
and then stretch the folded flap over and down the sides and corners of the tray.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfdoJ4kLbwO5IPcFmR5KOn3nPHyaeFqS1ODc2ESNL9KYr-H1s5nf_SGn1lcYc3W_UgDXRA_bFgLg7oB2UrZ5D5DXlzj38-MompMrnZBEnzbMRLZtd3CFssB05ZEBzjSRVoLmwdvzQioLA2/s1600/wrapped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfdoJ4kLbwO5IPcFmR5KOn3nPHyaeFqS1ODc2ESNL9KYr-H1s5nf_SGn1lcYc3W_UgDXRA_bFgLg7oB2UrZ5D5DXlzj38-MompMrnZBEnzbMRLZtd3CFssB05ZEBzjSRVoLmwdvzQioLA2/s320/wrapped.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Basic option completed and ready to go into the lunchbox!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg22K9OYw29Z5zArpx0C5BdkoIdL6m6H73iMdkzMsxi3NJADTKHpHYlh9NWe51A_FiPUW_kh0wKIJRBqspxyNse4KXvhWEjHyAVmUJiUgBVdMPoswRAFXoixdhKIBVMA6cWJnruPQIB9Guc/s1600/packing+lunchable.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="778" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg22K9OYw29Z5zArpx0C5BdkoIdL6m6H73iMdkzMsxi3NJADTKHpHYlh9NWe51A_FiPUW_kh0wKIJRBqspxyNse4KXvhWEjHyAVmUJiUgBVdMPoswRAFXoixdhKIBVMA6cWJnruPQIB9Guc/s640/packing+lunchable.jpg" width="518" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another variation in a 4-compartment tray: I put many different things in these things! Today, I put a boiled egg, chicken nuggets, ranch dressing, and blueberries in one of these trays. But for this demonstration, I stuck to basics of what almost every kid will eat - Goldfish, apple sauce, sliced string cheese, and Canadian bacon! Yum! I admit I have packed this for myself on occasion when picnicking in the park! This cost me 33 cents for the applesauce, 25 cents for the Goldfish, 25 cents for the string cheese, and 66 cents for the Canadian bacon.</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ztRLiATDaqJnZTVYPBm3myWSoRJt95RcIEVlxgy9OUKNLqi6efpt9LrXyoL0ffMpixy0alNtTDcB9QaedlNAcjjrfiCUIb8XA_SCVMuMJQecMIMkVkMFEeX_Ja7NVDWGOCq15Sefofg9/s1600/stretch+the+flap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="704" data-original-width="960" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3ztRLiATDaqJnZTVYPBm3myWSoRJt95RcIEVlxgy9OUKNLqi6efpt9LrXyoL0ffMpixy0alNtTDcB9QaedlNAcjjrfiCUIb8XA_SCVMuMJQecMIMkVkMFEeX_Ja7NVDWGOCq15Sefofg9/s200/stretch+the+flap.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqzcY06M47sgVDFSWf-rm1tD5eHTI06DA6bVSRHtZKyn1IyNKXhVcg-0f42QWLjzsCKkKyetmtesbRDGHKpVGamK2sCgYMGeYZShqEk9NCFgLq3EgROpd0dA3OX9kWN0LcCCoW_XgYrgj8/s1600/wrapping+lunchable+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="892" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqzcY06M47sgVDFSWf-rm1tD5eHTI06DA6bVSRHtZKyn1IyNKXhVcg-0f42QWLjzsCKkKyetmtesbRDGHKpVGamK2sCgYMGeYZShqEk9NCFgLq3EgROpd0dA3OX9kWN0LcCCoW_XgYrgj8/s320/wrapping+lunchable+2.jpg" width="296" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgoQU-qNlXuvT72lMh-ljbPWars7lT6tba5q0l4N3AuJf6hLPZqZurRuOEZHi_DPAElETNQXjP2ri7wedvhNRGtlZhs2-80Av3Kz5qxu3UusSa9Es-aYjgPAXZnzuK1yXW07ndiPC9anpP/s1600/packing+the+lunchbox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgoQU-qNlXuvT72lMh-ljbPWars7lT6tba5q0l4N3AuJf6hLPZqZurRuOEZHi_DPAElETNQXjP2ri7wedvhNRGtlZhs2-80Av3Kz5qxu3UusSa9Es-aYjgPAXZnzuK1yXW07ndiPC9anpP/s400/packing+the+lunchbox.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I try to always pack this and put it in the refrigerator at night for the next day. It takes me maybe 3 minutes!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7RDsmt4Dc5s51Zewwot5b0NkSYOszbxYXPpXdDQh2TBpjO9dWhLIrKENuC7jJppHINJfIDMwrBon3HHSJpouQGT-FsrKiYn3BLrNidnYv2uuyM5aymdS-aIZ2uyRkkmZIP4zrjl1tEzup/s1600/ice+pack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7RDsmt4Dc5s51Zewwot5b0NkSYOszbxYXPpXdDQh2TBpjO9dWhLIrKENuC7jJppHINJfIDMwrBon3HHSJpouQGT-FsrKiYn3BLrNidnYv2uuyM5aymdS-aIZ2uyRkkmZIP4zrjl1tEzup/s320/ice+pack.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In the morning, I quickly just tuck in an ice pack of some sort in to the lunch box so it will stay cool until lunchtime!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtR2rPaOf9TNWS7p91Ok7mVdTYm4QVD3cbKwRqErOkh2JUY7SbVD10ysXZiq4JS1Yr2PMYFLU5S_NV9DDfgbZ6QTasDD0f-GEhRFx0PFY5T7giHJ8Nv_4YPItQyI8TDXFu6EU7BLbN4veX/s1600/finished+lunchbox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="952" data-original-width="960" height="634" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtR2rPaOf9TNWS7p91Ok7mVdTYm4QVD3cbKwRqErOkh2JUY7SbVD10ysXZiq4JS1Yr2PMYFLU5S_NV9DDfgbZ6QTasDD0f-GEhRFx0PFY5T7giHJ8Nv_4YPItQyI8TDXFu6EU7BLbN4veX/s640/finished+lunchbox.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This entire lunch for my 5-year-old daughter for her school lunch, costs me about $1.61!!! A store-bought Lunchable will cost at least $1.25, but I also have flavored milk and a GoGurt packed in here! And this is healthier than the Oreos that were in one of these compartments originally!</td></tr>
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<br />
It costs us 30 cents for my daughter to buy a carton of milk at school, so what I do instead is keep these character bottles that originally come with apple juice in them at Walmart. I usually buy my kids one of these while grocery shopping too. When I get home, I wash them in soap and hot water, cut the label off, and store them to reuse them as "sippy" cups. The type of tip on Rapunzel's head is spill-proof, which is great if my daughter's lunchbox gets dropped or flipped around inside her backpack. I buy a gallon of milk, put in a little strawberry syrup (sometimes), shake it, and pack it in with the "lunchable". The milk costs me about 14 cents!<br />
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Anyhoo, this is maybe the silliest blog post I have ever written, but I have had several people tell me that this is a helpful idea to save money and time. So I thought I'd share it just in case anyone else wants to try it out.<br />
<br />
Again, the possibilities are endless! Here is a list of various items I have packed into these compartments (sometimes even just cutting or slicing things up in a few seconds in order for it to fit):<br />
cheese<br />
lunch meat<br />
string cheese, shredded cheese, cheese slice<br />
blueberries<br />
pickle<br />
candy<br />
unsweetened apple sauce<br />
pretzel sticks<br />
Goldfish/Whales<br />
Crackers<br />
strawberry slices<br />
carrots (for my son, my daughter would cry)<br />
fully-cooked, frozen chicken nuggets<br />
boiled egg (surprisingly, my daughter loves these... like, what???!!!)<br />
apple slices<br />
peanut butter<br />
ranch dressing (I tuck folded saran wrap over it and then still wrap it in the sandwich baggy)<br />
banana slices<br />
tangerine slices<br />
trail mix<br />
Captain Crunch cereal<br />
Peanut butter and jelly roll-ups (pb&j spread on a tortilla and rolled up, sliced into inch-wide pieces)<br />
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So there you have it - one more random contribution to the internet of a mom saying "this is how I pack lunches" and probably everyone else is rolling their eyes and thinking 'No one cares!'<br />
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But I am excited this is so easy, cheap, and my daughter loves lunch at school!!!'<br />
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What else would fit into these compartments? I'd loved to read your ideas in the comments!Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-55297929362591941462017-07-17T20:27:00.002-07:002017-07-18T13:57:44.799-07:00Having My "Rainbow Baby": My Love/Hate Relationship With The PhraseI didn't used to hate the phrase. In fact, before I ever had a miscarriage myself, I remember seeing others post pictures of their "Rainbow Baby", and I thought 'Isn't that sweet?' And I'm sure I even got teary-eyed thinking about what a gift a new baby is after losing one.<br />
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But then I had a pregnancy end. Randomly. For no reason. Without cause. Just ended. And sometimes being Pro-Life, an abortion abolitionist, and a Believer in God, the Creator and Giver of Life, really sucks because I know that the phrase "pregnancy loss" is a cowardly way of avoiding saying exactly what is happening. Since life begins at conception, then any "loss" after that is a death. And death brings mourning. So I mourned. Some days I mourned a lot. Others hardly at all.<br />
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And then I found out I was pregnant. Which I wasn't trying to become again. In fact, I was afraid to ever try again. I was afraid that every pregnancy would end in death. I was afraid to get excited. I was afraid to get attached to an idea, to a person, again. But I <em>was</em> excited! And again, I knew someone was living inside of me... it is so hard to not feel joy! So I wrote about it. And even though talking about it in person was much more difficult, writing about it first eased me into talking about it. And celebrating too!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtfJhtZ-cwhe-VY5vpAQM5ksX773xzHKKZXRmBooSQiI6HSxPNCnFaZdnhGv_Zr0tyssAIfKExGB9SEAE2kitr7HqDG3Q2BmOTBc5Y5mh7DC4zigGyiRURuadjQ-eWVjpRmcCAZw8aiMhL/s1600/baby+and+hearts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="844" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtfJhtZ-cwhe-VY5vpAQM5ksX773xzHKKZXRmBooSQiI6HSxPNCnFaZdnhGv_Zr0tyssAIfKExGB9SEAE2kitr7HqDG3Q2BmOTBc5Y5mh7DC4zigGyiRURuadjQ-eWVjpRmcCAZw8aiMhL/s320/baby+and+hearts.jpg" width="281" /></a></div>
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And then people began to say THAT phrase. They typed it on my Facebook posts, blog posts, wrote it in cards, and spoke it out loud in congratulatory conversation. And I hated it. I didn't correct anyone, and I didn't rant about it. I knew they had good intentions. And I wrestled through the "why does this repulse me so?!" And I waited months before I told my husband that every time I heard or read someone call my baby my "Rainbow Baby" that I wanted to scowl at them and lay out all the reasons why that label is ridiculous!<br />
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I mean, "Rainbow Baby"... seriously? Who thought of that?! There are several reasons why the phrase just makes my skin crawl or makes me want to roll my eyes. First of all, it sounds SO cheesy! I tend to gag at the thought of trying to make everything butterflies and... well, rainbows. And I guess that phrase makes me feel like the person using it is trying to tell me that everything is alright now. Everything is better. Everything is just peachy. And while life is pretty great and is a wonderful gift, "peachy" isn't how I would describe my feelings on all my emotions have gone through in the past year.<br />
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Let me tell you, every once in a while I still weep. It comes from nowhere, gets me from my blind spot, and I feel it all over again. The month of June was the worst... my due date for the baby that I lost. Even though I can feel this new baby moving and kicking while I would cry about the baby I never felt move and never will.<br />
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It never fails that every time a certain song comes on the radio, I cry. And I cry because I am still sad about the baby I lost. For a long time, I didn't know why the writer wrote the song, but once I looked it up and was shocked that the song was written after the songwriter had miscarried. The song is "Thy Will Be Done" by Hillary Scott. I'm sure other people hear that song and think of their own sad story. Some people might even hate the song, because they don't like what the song says about God and how He works. But I believe it is Biblical truth, and all my hope depends upon the God of the Bible. So I cry. Every. Time. Every moment I hear the intro, I tell myself that perhaps this time I will be strong enough to sing along (because I am also a big believer in singing in the car) and not cry. But I have yet to make it through without tears. And in that moment, it doesn't matter that a new baby is here, healthy, and growing. I mean, it matters, but my new happiness doesn't mean my old sadness disappears.<br />
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Which brings me to another reason I have not been appreciative of this phrase. "Rainbow Baby" doesn't seem to only imply "sunshine and rainbows"... it also seems to say "replacement baby". And it makes me think of one of my favorite books I read as a teenager called "Mr. and Mrs. Bo Jo Jones" about a young mother whose son dies shortly after birth. In the book she talks about how when she finds out her baby has died, she wants to go home and begin a new baby... and perhaps this is how some people react to losing a baby or child... but now that I have had a loss of my own, it seems that would be the last reaction someone would have in the situation. I could be wrong. But I bet in most cases, a mother knows that babies aren't items to be replaced when lost and would feel guilt about wanting to replace them. Each child is unique and uniquely loved... and uniquely missed once he or she is gone. I wasn't just afraid of getting pregnant and becoming hopeful again after losing that pregnancy, I knew that 10 more babies would never make me forget how excited I was that one time and how devastated I was when that excitement ended "too soon".<br />
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Except I know that with my loving, all-knowing, and compassionate God there is no such thing as "too soon". That is actually the reason why that same song that makes me mourn, also gives me such comfort. Not all the tears I cry when I hear this song are sad tears. They are healing tears. They are thankful tears.<br />
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I know all of that sounds crazy and doesn't seem to make sense when put together. But I know from experience that all of that can be swirling inside your head and heart, and they don't contradict one another. My sadness and my joy and His comfort all swirl together and collide, kind of like in a storm. And it rains. Sometimes it is a light drizzle. Sometimes a flood. Sometimes it washes up junk into spaces that I thought were cleared out. Sometimes it washes all the junk away.<br />
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The final reason I hated this phrase "Rainbow Baby" was because it labeled this new child, not based on his or her own personality or merit, but by a previous sibling's death... something this new child had nothing to do with - no cause or control over. This new baby should NOT be loved more or less based upon someone else's story. And I don't ever want this new child to feel like I only love him or her because they distracted me from sadness or "filled the hole in my heart" kind of garbage. I want to make it very clear that "holes in your heart" from losing one do not get filled by gaining another person in your heart. Our capacity to love is quite unlimited in this sense... perhaps this is another way we are made in God's image (although a very flawed and fallen version). You don't run out of room in your heart when you have another child; our hearts exponentially expand. And let me tell you this too, our hearts don't shrink in size to accommodate loss of loved ones either. I want this new baby to know that they have their own special place in my heart that isn't based on or compared to any other love I have for others.<br />
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But let me tell you why I no longer despise, hate, gag, etc. when I hear this phrase. One day I was just randomly looking up the definition of this term, because I was so annoyed. But then I stopped in my tracks. It still may not be my favorite, but my heart softened and smiled when I read this:<br />
<h4>
<em><u>Urban Dictionary defines a "rainbow baby" as a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.</u></em></h4>
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And I am thankful that perhaps that is what all these people using this term have been trying to express to me. And what I am now trying to express to all of you is just this: Rainbow Babies don't erase sadness from previously lost babies. There is no such thing as a replacement to a lost loved one. And no person should be loved, worshipped, hated, judged, or reacted to based on the fact that their presence brought joy after someone else's loss brought sadness... or perhaps even without meaning to, brought up old and sad feelings that were long forgotten. But they should only be loved and reacted to based on their own worth.<br />
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But I am also saying that there are still storm clouds. And it still rains some days. But I do not want or need to be pitied, because I have much to be thankful for, much I have learned, and am thankful that I have my Rainbow. We get to see our Rainbow's "beautiful and bright" face in 13 weeks!<br />
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<div class="paratitle">
<h2 class="b_topTitle">
<em>Thy Will</em></h2>
</div>
<h4 class="b_factrow">
<em>
</em><a h="ID=SERP,5315.1" href="http://www.bing.com/search?q=hillary+scott+singer&filters=ufn%3a%22hillary+scott+singer%22+sid%3a%223392b583-9799-4308-83a0-d8d5d520ae6f%22&FORM=SNAPST"><em>Hillary Scott</em></a><em>, </em><a h="ID=SERP,5316.1" href="http://www.bing.com/search?q=The+Scott+Family&filters=ufn%3a%22The+Scott+Family%22+sid%3a%22cc51c981-950c-2f78-8ab9-18b8ed93b398%22&FORM=SNAPST"><em>The Scott Family</em></a></h4>
<h4 class="b_paractl">
<em>
I’m so confused <br />I know I heard You loud and clear<br />So, I followed through<br />Somehow I ended up here <br />I don’t wanna think <br />I may never understand<br />That my broken heart is a part of Your plan<br />When I try to pray <br />All I’ve got is hurt and these four words:</em></h4>
<h4 class="b_paractl">
<em>
Thy will be done <br />Thy will be done <br />Thy will be done </em></h4>
<h4 class="b_paractl">
<em>
I know You’re good<br />But this don’t feel good, right now<br />And I know You think<br />Of things I could never think about<br />It’s hard to count it all joy<br />Distracted by the noise<br />Just trying to make sense<br />Of all Your promises<br />Sometimes I gotta stop,<br />Remember that You’re God<br />And I am not <br />So, Thy will be done<br />Thy will be done <br />Thy will be done <br />Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is<br />Thy will be done<br />Thy will be done</em></h4>
<h4 class="b_paractl">
<em>
I know You see me<br />I know You hear me, Lord<br />Your plans are for me<br />Goodness You have in store<br />I know You hear me <br />I know You see me, Lord<br />Your plans are for me<br />Good news You have in store</em></h4>
<h4 class="b_paractl">
<em>
So, Thy will be done<br />Thy will be done <br />Thy will be done <br />Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is<br />Thy will be done<br />Thy will be done <br />Thy will be done<br />I know You see me<br />I know You hear me, Lord</em></h4>
<div class="b_paractl">
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<div class="b_paractl">
To view the video and read a little background go to : </div>
<div class="b_paractl">
<a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/see-hillary-scotts-stirring-thy-will-video-20160627">http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/see-hillary-scotts-stirring-thy-will-video-20160627</a></div>
Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-11389242362098285602017-03-21T16:27:00.001-07:002017-03-21T16:27:53.667-07:00The Baby I Was Too Afraid To Ask For<h4 style="text-align: center;">
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN?</h4>
People kept asking us if and when we would have more children. We had said for so long that we were going to probably have 4; my husband hoping for an accidental 5th child to teach me a lesson! But we only have 2, and the younger one was turning two - the age Emersyn was when we had Keegan, so it was natural that the question would come up. And we hadn't changed our minds on having more, we just couldn't agree on if we wanted to have any more biologically or begin the adoption process that we had always planned on going through. We both still want to adopt. We still want more kids. But we each had a different idea of how to go about it. So we kept telling people, "We'll just have 2 until we agree on how the next ones are coming to us."<br />
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After 6 months of saying that, and seeing how much my husband really didn't think we were done having children biologically. At some point, I realized that I just trust him, and I decided that sometimes giving the other person what they want also gives you what you want. I want my husband to be happy. I know he is wise. And I want more kids. "So, let's have a baby!", I said...<br />
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So we got pregnant for the 3rd time. Easily. Just like the first two times. I have been blessed to not have to go through the struggle of infertility. All 3 times I wanted to get pregnant, I got pregnant the first month we tried!<br />
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But, as many of you know, I didn't stay pregnant very long. I miscarried around 6 weeks in mid-October, and that was a struggle all of its own, for sure. I have written about that, and I found it helpful to write through the sadness and disappointment. I will say that it was much easier writing about it than talking about it in person. The first several times I spoke of it out loud, my voice would waver and I would get teary-eyed. I have learned that talking about it out loud is much more brave than writing about it on a screen, even knowing that over 1,500 people read what I wrote.<br />
<a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2016/10/learning-to-love-and-live-through-loss.html">http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2016/10/learning-to-love-and-live-through-loss.html</a><br />
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But I couldn't help but go into "fix it/figure it out" mode... Was it because I was older? Was I too old? I haven't been watching my weight or health, did that cause it? Did I drink too much caffeine? Would this happen again if we tried again? Or was this just a one-time thing that God had us walk through?<br />
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<h4 style="text-align: center;">
TRYING TO TELL GOD'S STORY ON MY OWN</h4>
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See, I did what many people do, and it is wrong. I tried to figure out why, instead of really going through the struggle of it and really learning more about God and myself. I would have moments where I cried, prayed, etc... but I mainly just tried to figure out "why did this happen?" Were we not supposed to have another baby biologically? Maybe this happened because we are supposed to only adopt from now on. Maybe this, maybe that... like this was a sign that we had taken a wrong turn somewhere and needed to get back on the "right track".<br />
<br />
Then one night I thought I <i>finally</i> knew the <i>real</i> reason why we had lost our baby... perhaps it was to open our minds and hearts to new possibilities we had not considered before. See, before Kyle always thought of adoption for us as adoption of a newborn only as an alternative to abortion for someone else, and we both loved the idea of open adoption. We had been reading up on it, and we had decided which agency we liked best. But we had recently learned that the agency wasn't accepting any adoptive parents at this time, due to their waiting list being full... and then out of no where while on a date, Kyle said that he had really been thinking about adoption through foster care. I was surprised, and I thought "perhaps this is what it was all for - so that we would open ourselves up to this new avenue of possibility!" So being the planner I am, I immediately starting reading all over the place about the process.<br />
<br />
So at our prayer group's next meeting in January, I was sharing all of this. In my head, I had been thinking of this whole story like a puzzle that finally had its last missing piece, and now everything was going to be okay. I like change. I like newness. And sometimes it is easier to get excited about something new rather than to truly heal through something else. But as I shared, I got emotional, and how I had rehearsed my story in my head is not how it came out. As I spoke, I opened up about how I was really afraid to get pregnant again, because I was afraid to miscarry again. To break my husband's heart again. To open myself again and get attached to another person I could lose - and there was nothing I could change about it. I have no control over it. And then I started to explain that perhaps my fear and our loss had led us to this mutual awakening to what else could be... and they heard the truth I had shared. One of them blessed me with a gentle correction about how we should not make decisions based on fear, and that we should trust God, truly trust Him and wait on Him to guide us.<br />
<br />
I was operating completely out of my own fears, strength, and wisdom. The truth is, only God knows why I miscarried. Just because everything happens to serve a greater purpose, doesn't mean that each of us get an explanation and a pretty wrapped-in-a-bow ending to our stories. The truth is I may never know why God had me walk through that heartache. That doesn't mean He is any less good or not in control. It means I am learning just how deep my self-sufficiency runs, and that it is interfering with my intimacy with the Lord... how can I be close to Him when I won't trust Him?!<br />
<br />
So here we were at a crossroads of decision-making - I really didn't want to stay home full-time if there wasn't a new baby. But should I go back to work full-time? Do we start preparing for a home visit to start the adoption through foster care process? But all of that could take forever, or it might take no time at all... what to do? Do we not do anything and just wait for God to clear the pain and confusion?<br />
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And I started freaking out when February came, because if I was going back to work full-time, I needed to start networking... decisions, decisions...<br />
<br />
<h4 style="text-align: center;">
WAIT A MINUTE!</h4>
<br />
I was stressed, I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't resting. And one day it dawned on me... 'I don't know when my last cycle was'... so I bought a cheapo pregnancy test at the Dollar Store that evening while I was picking up a few other things.<br />
<br />
Now, how this all happened really cracks me up, but maybe only because I was there. Perhaps anyone who has a few kids and has been with your spouse enough years, you will enjoy the real-life scenario too. I mean, a life-changing event , was happening, but it was also just another day to get the kids to school on time...<br />
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So that next morning, was Wednesday - the busiest day of the week. I decided to go ahead and cram our already-busy morning with the 3 more minutes it takes to pee on the test and set a timer. While the timer was going, I was fixing my daughter's hair for school. The timer dinged, I walked over to the windowsill, saw the positive result, and walked back over to my daughter to finish her hair. I didn't say anything. I don't think my face even changed. So Kyle almost fell over when he walked into the bathroom and saw the test in the window while I carried on as if nothing had happened...<br />
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"Is this what I think it is?" he asked me while holding the test.<br />
<br />
"Yes." I don't think I even looked up.<br />
<br />
"Is this from this morning?!"<br />
<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
So with a surprised smile and then a nod, he said, "Well, okay! You alright?"<br />
<br />
"I don't know. I am not even sure how accurate these cheap brands are. I'll get the right kind later tonight."<br />
<br />
Which was silly; we both knew that it doesn't matter if you spend $1 or $10, a positive is a positive is a positive.<br />
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And we kissed. And we congratulated each other. And then we didn't tell a soul for weeks. We didn't really talk much about it, except doctor's appointments and "ya feeling okay this morning?" kinds of things.<br />
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We were scared to be excited. Or at least I was. I think he was just being careful with my feelings and just reacting to my behavior.<br />
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When we went to the ultrasound, which seemed like a year later, I wanted to take our daughter with us. Kyle didn't feel great about the idea in case we got bad news, but he said she could go when I explained that I really wanted her to. So I just told Emersyn, "We are going to the hospital to see if there is a baby in Mama's tummy." That way if something bad happened, she wouldn't have her hopes up, and I would have a motivation to keep my emotions in-check.<br />
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But there it was - the flutter. And I surprised myself with how much I cried. I didn't realize I had been holding my metaphorical breath for about 3 weeks. When the tech told me I could empty my bladder, I went into the bathroom and sobbed. I was carrying a baby! A living baby! I knew it all along, but I wouldn't allow myself to enjoy it, to really consider it.<br />
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So right then we gave ourselves permission to celebrate, no matter how long the celebration lasts. I realized that I had developed this really twisted way of thinking out of self-preservation. I had to remind myself out loud that day "When you are pregnant, it means you are going to have a baby; it doesn't mean you might have a baby. Whether the baby lives a few weeks in utero or until the age of 93... Being pregnant means you have a baby, not that you might if everything goes well have a baby." It was almost like I had adopted this "I'll believe it when I hold it" mentality.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDthkyM8YVjW3C-JGgrbt-vX9SIde2fKzCyqd0dUAo8S2_WMuCFYMEGV_LQR2mOGVh1Q3FNPoj1U_K0nbTF76BgxuiXugpYp6fv2Aef5dphAo1_NJJMebsYLknZikegDGFFO8VhQVzFBV/s1600/em+and+new+baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDthkyM8YVjW3C-JGgrbt-vX9SIde2fKzCyqd0dUAo8S2_WMuCFYMEGV_LQR2mOGVh1Q3FNPoj1U_K0nbTF76BgxuiXugpYp6fv2Aef5dphAo1_NJJMebsYLknZikegDGFFO8VhQVzFBV/s320/em+and+new+baby.jpg" width="260" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big Sister has been taking votes on if the baby is a boy or a girl... but basically you have to vote for your own gender... our friend Shawna voted for a boy, but Emersyn said, "Um, I'm writing you down for Girl!" Ha!👍👎</td></tr>
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<br />
So when we got home, Kyle told some close friends and family. Then he posted a cute picture of our daughter holding the ultrasound photos. We had found out we were pregnant the first time with her on March 14th, and here 5 years later we had pictures of this fourth baby taken on March 14th!<br />
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I am still getting used to the idea. I still thank God each time I go to use the restroom and I don't have bleeding. I still smile weakly every time I throw up, because that means someone is still with me right there in the bathroom, growing, completely unaware that his or her mom still worries they won't be here tomorrow. But I also have incredible hope. And my hope is growing too. And I will preach to myself every day to keep putting my hope in the only One worthy. I know that He is the author of life, the giver and taker... that we are all made in His image. And that He cares for us all, always.<br />
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And I am allowing myself to make plans. I know I am only 8 1/2 weeks. Perhaps we should have waited to tell this time. But we felt that was just perpetuating the fear I had been living in for months. We have names picked out. We are planning to build bunk beds this summer for the older kids to share a room. When Kyle cleaned out the garage last week, he went ahead and got the baby bathtub and Bumbo out.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgaKRpYp0WMsZ38JTpdI06lIJ-ml4pZ4u8udDORLdEhjZWcIry7GTGGayVDUyTsz4ReUOulQNScTKJqhGFWJ6EnxclUcqjCZU0CtIGf5O_y8pRbu7PZNvZuuAP4ti3iW1ArWGGA0DxS12N/s1600/baby+bathtub+bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgaKRpYp0WMsZ38JTpdI06lIJ-ml4pZ4u8udDORLdEhjZWcIry7GTGGayVDUyTsz4ReUOulQNScTKJqhGFWJ6EnxclUcqjCZU0CtIGf5O_y8pRbu7PZNvZuuAP4ti3iW1ArWGGA0DxS12N/s320/baby+bathtub+bed.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big Brother insists on "sleeping" in the baby bathtub and tell us all that he also has a baby in his tummy... it is a boy that he wants to name Connor 😄😄😄</td></tr>
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<br />
Why not?! I am carrying a baby. And whether I hold this baby in my arms, or someday hold another in my arms that someone else gives life to... or if I eventually get to do both... I know it is okay to get excited about people, no matter how little they are or how long they are with us. As a friend just sent me in a text, "Congratulations on the promise of new life"... and the way she phrased it is what I am clinging to... I am thankful and hopeful for this promise of new life; the life I was too afraid to ask for... and the good God who has blessed us with life anyway.Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-19204281530836609872017-01-04T15:21:00.003-08:002017-01-04T15:21:32.810-08:00The Past I Drive By Every DayI pick up my daughter from school every weekday afternoon, and I usually take the same route. And as I was driving to her school yesterday, it dawned on me that I drive by my past every single day! That may not make any sense, but let me explain. What I actually drive by is this cute little white house with shutters every morning and every afternoon. It is a simple, rectangular house with a red front door that is only about 800 sq. feet. But when I am not in my dazed auto-drive mentality (or trying to reach the toy my 2-year-old has dropped and is sobbing about) and I really look and think about it, a ton of my best moments happened in that little white house. <br />
<br />
Sometimes I get teary-eyed when I think about all the wonderful and horrible things that occurred while I lived in that cute little box with shutters! It was my first major purchase (besides a college education, I guess). I had just graduated from college, and I was ready to start adulting (although I officially hate that word - adult is a noun, not a verb). My best friend, Jessica, was my roomie, and I was loving my first teaching job (well, the second year I started loving it - the first year, I was stressed). We had a blast in that house - just two single gals living it up! We had so much fun hosting international college students for dinner and holidays, having camp outs in the front yard with our friends, and lots of chic flick nights where we would invite all our other single gal friends, watch movies, and talk about our hopes and dreams until stupid o'clock in the morning. I'm sure I said really sappy things about the man I would marry and the kids we would have... and that Gibson guitar I was going to buy, even though I had no idea how to play it (still don't).<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIa0_2PPpzJAuKy9kavv4wtOCJWpPnBK_-glrANS5bl1hAgEgySX_Q4HAH9Jgp3LhhU_L4t65HI9Y_YSM2w-4fpjYe-x3oMSysGW7vE-Yavl4fjwsYlWn09Ry7NmZvkFvZvCV8zgniiAb/s1600/blog+map.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjIa0_2PPpzJAuKy9kavv4wtOCJWpPnBK_-glrANS5bl1hAgEgySX_Q4HAH9Jgp3LhhU_L4t65HI9Y_YSM2w-4fpjYe-x3oMSysGW7vE-Yavl4fjwsYlWn09Ry7NmZvkFvZvCV8zgniiAb/s320/blog+map.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is my sophisticated map that I drew for clarification... or at least just for my own nerdiness. It probably isn't very accurate! But I know some people are visual, so here is my faulty attempt to include those people.</td></tr>
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What is hilarious about that is that I had no idea my dream guy was living it up in his bachelor pad with his 3 roommates just two blocks away! I drive by this house every afternoon too. It just happens to be down the street from my daughter's school, and going that way makes a loop back to our current house. It has been updated since he lived there, thankfully: it was pretty bad as most bachelor pads go! Now as I drive by, I wonder if anyone has finally replaced that awful green carpet that had a huge hole in the middle, or replaced all the mismatched couches. It is funny that I didn't even meet him until at least 6 months or more after I moved in just 2 blocks away, and we didn't even meet near our houses! I started attending a new church after that next New Year, and there he was... although, at the time he was just another friend in our 20-somethings group. We were all just a bunch of single folks spending our evenings playing music, experimenting with how to cook real food, and having a few laughs. We often would host these evenings at my house. <br />
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And while that sounds so fun (maybe, I guess it could sound pretty lame to a lot of you), I also have at least 2 full journals from this time period in my life where I went through major depression. I completely understand when I read about Millennials who have all this free-time to pursue anything they want, and yet they struggle with depression more than any previous generation. There is this weird sense of purposelessness sometimes in your early 20s, when you are kind of floating and aren't sure where you want to land. Back then I was working so hard all the time, and I had recently broken up with a boyfriend who had been a dear friend beforehand... and even though the rest of life was going well, I was disappointed and aimless. My bitterness with God grew and grew, to the point where I would get angry with any godly encouragement. It got so bad that I even moved all my roommate's stuff out of the house one day while she was at work (she is a very sweet, encouraging woman of God)... of course, I had it all moved back in by the time time she got home from work. I was lonely, even though I had a ton of loving family and friends. I was questioning God, even though I was learning so much of His truth at this new church. And I felt like a failure, even though I was a homeowner and an educator at the age of 22... but I kept all my depression in that little cute house every time I went out. I hid it all within those walls and those journal pages, and my roommate was gracious enough to not call me out on it when I was faking my way through social event after social event.<br />
<br />
I lived in that house for 4 years before Kyle and I started dating, and I had only really started liking him 6 months before that. I mean, he was just down the street and around the corner for 3 1/2 years that I was moping around about being single and miserable. And then all of a sudden, he was mine, and he only lived down the street and around the corner!!! We would go on walks, he would walk me home. We had our first Christmas as a couple in that living room. He stayed with me while I waited on the police the night that house was robbed. And several months later we spent our wedding night in that house. I became a wife in that house, cooking and cleaning. He became the husband I always hoped for in that house - you know, mowing, taking the trash out, and trapping and killing a few mice (my hero, for sure)! We had our first fight about arranging furniture in that house. We did our first bathroom remodel there. And he held me while I sobbed the night my grandpa died in that bedroom.<br />
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It is a really long story, but we moved back into that same little white house when our daughter was almost 2 years old. And then we made even more animated memories - Emersyn potty-training, dressing up as Dory for Halloween, and "helping" me bake cookies. Our son was conceived in that house, and all my afternoon "morning" sickness took place in that bathroom. Many days of that pregnancy, I was so thankful our house was very small, because I could sleep and ignore our 2-year-old daughter while she was practically always within arm's reach if she got into something she shouldn't. I remember giving her horsey rides on my back while having my 8-month-in-utero son on my front. We had lots of tea parties, and when it snowed, we brought a tub full of snow into that living room for Emersyn to play with.<br />
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We brought our son home from the hospital to that house, and he slept in the living room since I didn't want him waking his older sister up in the middle of the night... although when you live in 800 sq. feet, everyone is going to wake up anyway. His bassinet, swing, and diapers were all kept in the living room - along with his Boppy pillow and my recliner that I nursed him in...<br />
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I guess you get it by now... I have a lot of great memories in these houses that I drive by every day. But my point isn't so much <i>that</i> as it is that God had a plan for my life all along, and I had absolutely no idea ahead of time what it was going to be. I bought that house because it was cheaper to buy than rent. It was more of a financial decision than one that would change my life, grow me in ways I didn't think possible.<br />
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But God knew.<br />
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And even more amazing is that as we lived in this tiny house with two kids, with all our stuff busting at the seams... God knew that a house with the perfect layout for our life was only 5 blocks away. I wonder if I ever drove by it and didn't even give it a glance? If I looked at it, I know I didn't give it a second thought... and yet, here I am living in that house that I never could have afforded if it hadn't been in foreclosure. A house that is big enough to host college students and play dates, but small enough to keep it somewhat clean. A house where my son learned to crawl, walk, and love "Masha and the Bear". This house where my daughter has had several birthday parties and learned how to count to 10. This house where women have studied scripture together, and college students have discussed how the Gospel changes our worldview. This home where I have often lost at Settlers of Catan, or cleaned house while blaring Audrey Assad worship music, and miscarried my 3rd baby. And here is where my husband and I have measured our marriage in various awesome TV series(es?)... ("This Is Us" is our current jam)...<br />
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And when I sat down with this amazing thought and drew it all out on a little map (that is probably not to-scale... I'm not a cartographer)... I had to laugh at the irony and be in awe of God's planning. So much of my life that I longed for beforehand, or even shook my fist at God in bitterness at His withholding it all from me, ended up unfolding before my eyes within a few blocks' radius! And I had absolutely no clue at how great it would be when He finally gave it to me!<br />
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Only God can do that. And I am thankful that none of my other stupid ideas on how to get my dreams to come about came to fruition... because it happened when and WHERE He wanted it to... and I now see how beautifully planned out it all was... and still is.<br />
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And now I get to be gently reminded of this marvel every day - such a profound realization as I go about a simple errand... driving by my past, in my present, looking forward to whatever the future God holds for me.Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-46161461206371276302016-10-26T14:27:00.004-07:002016-10-26T14:27:23.386-07:00Learning to Love and Live Through Loss: The Story of Our Third Baby"Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know... nothing but the blood of Jesus"... I sang this past Sunday standing next to my husband and two children... thinking about the theme of that day's worship set at church - each song being about Christ's blood making me clean, making me whole... It was all very emotional for me, perhaps in a way I'll never be able to describe. The timing of these songs at first seemed like a dark joke. Like cruel irony. But the longer I sang and the more I thought about it, my heart was warmed with the thought of God leading the worship pastor to choose these songs... they couldn't have been more timely.<br />
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I leaned over to my husband and whispered in his ear, "The songs are all about blood." My husband's face told me that he had noticed too... and that he knew why it meant so much.<br />
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2 weeks earlier we had been debating on whether there was a second pink line. My cycle was pretty late, and I just knew I was pregnant. I had been saying for a week that I thought I was pregnant. And I saw a second line on that test. But I wasn't sure if I actually saw it, or if I just knew where it was supposed to be... and really wanted it to be there. Kyle said he didn't see it. So I sent a picture to my midwife, and she said she saw it! I went in for a blood test to confirm, and I was right! My midwife sent me a picture of the lab results - a positive pregnancy test! I couldn't wait to tell Kyle, so I sent him the picture too. We were both so excited to be having a third baby! We spent the rest of the afternoon discussing what the baby's nickname was going to be... who we should tell first... and when.<br />
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We had told our parents in unique ways before with our first 2 children, and it just so happened that both our parents were going to be having dinner together at a pregnancy center's fundraiser that evening! So I sent my husband's mom a text with the lab results picture saying "Can you please show this to my mom?" And Kyle sent the same thing to my mom's phone. When they both were finally in the same place and actually looked at the picture, we all Facetimed and laughed about how clever we thought we had been and about the new grandbaby!<br />
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We had already made plans to spend that weekend at my in-laws' ranch, and we had invited some friends and their kids to come spend the weekend there as well. So when my husband got off work on the day after we had announced the pregnancy to our parents, we headed for the ranch. Earlier that day, I had noticed that all the usual smells at the school where I teach part-time were all stronger and did <i><b>not</b></i> mix well. Bleh! I noticed that I could even smell the hand soap before I pumped it into my hand in the bathroom. Later on that afternoon, I had gotten a little carried away (when don't I, huh?) and dressed my kids up for taking a picture for the announcement. I didn't tell them why we were dressing up, I only said it was for a surprise later that day. The picture was so cute, and I just couldn't wait to design the announcement, so I spent the hour drive in the car deciding on the layout to announce baby #3. We decided that we were going to tell our kids right before our friends arrived at the ranch, so that they would still be super excited and blurt it out to our friends upon their arrival. I envisioned this big happy exchange of hugs and smiles all around, and I was so happy with anticipation!<br />
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When we arrived at the ranch, we did the usual hugs and unloading of the car. I told Kyle that I had to pee, so I ran inside the house to use the restroom. And as I am still bubbly with excitement, I started to bleed. I was so caught off-guard. I had not had any bleeding with my first two pregnancies at all, and I immediately realized the worst-case scenario was probably playing out. I texted Kyle to come to the bathroom. I told him. And I took the wind right out of his sails. I love that husband of mine. He gets excited about things he should, and he becomes sad about things he should. I know from speaking to other women that this is a blessing, maybe a rare one.<br />
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In that moment I felt and thought a million different things:<br />
-'I am so glad I didn't tell my daughter.'<br />
-'I am so embarrassed. I shouldn't have been so excited.'<br />
-'Maybe this isn't what I think it is... what else could it be?!'<br />
-'Of course this would happen when I am at someone else's house. Without pads. And all I packed were thong underwear.'<br />
-'I am gonna have to sit here and cry while my husband goes to the dollar store and buys me pads and underwear.'<br />
-'Maybe since the blood is really bright red, maybe that doesn't mean it is a miscarriage... maybe it is something else that is minor...'<br />
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<br />
So I spent a lot of the weekend in the bathroom or sitting on the heating pad. I had all the wrong symptoms for a weekend in the country with guests, but they were all the right ones for a miscarriage. Back pain, clotting, nausea...<br />
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I had a few good cries. I texted my mom, my sister, my midwife, and 2 other friends. They sent the usual responses one would expect - hopeful, prayerful, and loving words for my heart. I also tried to be a good hostess to our friends and walked around the ranch with them, watching our kids play together. It was pretty windy and chilly, but during the times I wasn't in the bathroom, I was so glad to be outside in the fresh air with people I love.<br />
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But I also spent a lot of time on the internet researching miscarriage. I had never had to read on it before, and my sister always told me to "never read the bad news until you have to". That is when I learned that my guess about bright blood had been very wrong... apparently, it is the darker the better. I learned that there are several different reasons why a woman might bleed during pregnancy, and not all led to miscarriage. Many of the miscarriage symptoms were also common pregnancy symptoms, so while this depressed me more, I was also more hopeful...<br />
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Now how I could have been both at the same time is difficult to explain and believe... but it is a reality that before I didn't know existed.<br />
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After 24 hours, we got more nervous that this might not be just implantation bleeding. Kyle told me he wanted me to take it easy, and we went home. He did laundry, got dinner, did the dishes, put the kids to bed... and I was thankful for the time to rest in my favorite lounge pants on the heating pad (on the lowest setting). <br />
<br />
I texted our pastors telling them that we thought I was miscarrying and that I wouldn't be coming in to church. They were very kind, told me to rest and that they were praying for me... and they told Kyle to stay home with me. Our pastor took over Kyle's Sunday School class, and Kyle ran in early to the church for half an hour to finish the set up I normally do each week.<br />
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We sat around in our pjs doing nothing much, and it was so sweet. The past 2 months had been so stressful for me and Kyle during his recruiting season, and I had missed so much spending quality time with him and my kids... as a family. I was sad, yes, that I probably wasn't pregnant anymore, but I was also overwhelmed by the love I have for these people and how much I had missed them. That seems like a weird thing to say about people you live with... but it is very possible to sleep and eat in the same structural space while not feeling connected to them in a meaningful way... to miss them just as much as if they were on the other side of the country.<br />
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<br /></div>
I became more hopeful as my mom replied, "It is fairly common for women to bleed during pregnancy." Or listening to a friend's story about bleeding off and on for 6 weeks at the beginning of her pregnancy, and she gave birth to a healthy boy, whom my kids now adore. A friend contacted me and congratulated me saying my dad had told her the good news... and I asked her for prayer and explained what was happening. She responded that she had had a miscarriage between her two first kids... she now has 5. A woman I work with asked me how I was doing, and I asked her for prayer and explained what was going on... she told me she had had a miscarriage before each of her daughters... she now has 3 kids.<br />
<br />
During my miscarriage, I learned how common it is to miscarry a pregnancy. I did not know that 20% of HEALTHY women miscarry. I did not know that almost every person I explained my situation to had also miscarried. I didn't know that all these secretly lost pregnancies were all around me in my circle of friends. I was saddened by learning about them. I was frustrated by the ignorance of these facts. I was encouraged that I was not alone, and that I am not a broken freak.<br />
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I was also challenged in a new way in my thinking toward our loving and good Heavenly Father. During this time, I found out another friend is expecting. She was not wanting to have more children, or at least not for a long while. She has been struggling, stressing, and anxious over the future. Over the worry about what it means for her family. And here I sat at home losing a pregnancy I had planned and hoped for. It is only natural to notice the irony... to ask God what He is trying to teach me. To have to pray to check my heart - to ask God to protect me from bitterness, jealousy. And He has been so gracious to allow me to be truly, sincerely happy for her and the many other women I know that are growing little beauties in their tummies as I type this. He has shown me that He has lessons for them to learn as well. And He has been so, so good to me. And I have felt it every second throughout this loss.<br />
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So while my time miscarrying was sorrowful, it was also refreshing... and by Fall Break time, the bleeding had stopped. I knew my hormones and levels would still be out-of-whack, so I was determined not to let the waiting and not knowing for sure ruin the time we all had off together.<br />
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We had the greatest Fall Break, and I think it was even sweeter because of our loss. We went to the zoo. We slept in. We stayed up late. We hung out with the college students. We let our kids have a sleepover in each other's rooms, which I am usually very strict about saying NO. We had a picnic in our backyard. Kyle went hunting, but only in the mornings and met up with us at the pumpkin patch. I took fewer photos than usual, and I took it all in a lot more. I smiled a lot. Yes, I would get teary-eyed too. I just felt like something so unfortunate had happened at a time in my life when I needed a new perspective, a breath of fresh air to my soul.<br />
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I began to cry in bed that Saturday night, and Kyle held me. I explained that I wasn't necessarily sad, but I was feeling so much at the same time. I said, "While I <i>am </i>sad, I am also so incredibly warmed to know that life goes on, and everything in it is a little sweeter."<br />
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The next morning we sang all about how Jesus' blood gives us hope, the only hope. I smiled and teared up at the contrast between what sadness the blood in the world can bring... injury, death, loss... but what great news that through blood, just as human in design as mine, yet given from the body of the God-Man's sinless existence... it makes all things new again. And that is exactly how I had felt about my time spent with family during and after my miscarriage... like my love for them and my enjoyment of them was all made new again.<br />
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And with newness of living comes newness of thinking. I have begun the process of preaching to myself the truths which do not come naturally to our sinful souls. I am preaching these truths, with more to come, I am sure:<br />
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-There is absolutely no reason why I should have felt embarrassed about being excited about a pregnancy I only had a hunch about for over a week and knew about for sure for a day. Each life is a life worth being excited about, and if the whole world sees me celebrate one day only to have to mourn the next, embarrassment has nothing to do with it. There is no shame in wanting to share in excitement. There is no shame in keeping it a secret until later. There is no shame in being honest about what is going on in our lives, especially when it stinks! I am thankful that I shared what was going on with me, because I found much comfort in hearing others' experiences and knowing I wasn't alone. THERE IS NO SHAME IN LOSS THAT IS OUT OF OUR CONTROL.<br />
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-And it <i><b>is</b></i> out of my control. <i><b>That</b></i> is a gift. I don't want things to be in my control, because I know how often I mess so much up! No, I want God to be in control... of even the things in my life that may cause me pain. He weaves the most beautiful truths into the stitching up of our deepest wounds... and they are truths we remember forever. We so often forget the lessons we are taught in the shiny, sparkly times. I believe it is our fallen, sinful nature that requires us to be broken in order to be made right... to have to first look less like us in order to look more like Him.<br />
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-And since it is out of my control, then there is no guilt for what occurred... all that I am responsible for is how I avail my broken self to the ultimate Fixer. Not so that I can have my way now or later, but so that I can honor God's purpose in all this by paying attention to the purpose in all this!<br />
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"Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow! NO OTHER FOUNT I KNOW! Nothing but the blood of Jesus!"</div>
Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-6050127449253505722016-09-23T21:51:00.003-07:002016-09-23T21:52:00.247-07:00When My Spying Ears Encouraged My Exhausted HeartToday I am tired. Like tired to my bones, need to prop my feet up, lay on the heating pad, bought my kids McDonald's and let them watch tv all evening kind of tired. Today I packed lunches and dropped 4 kids off at school, dropped 9 boxes and 2 grocery sacks full of items at our church garage sale, taught 1st grade, fed 4 kids lunch, tried to put 3 toddlers down for a nap that apparently none of them wanted to take. Priced items at the yard sale, changed 5 diapers, searched for more diapers because all 3 of them ran out, folded up and put away 3 pack-n-plays, cleaned poopy underwear, dealt with my daughter's dramatic meltdown about how sweaty she was while she waited for me to finish all my work so we could go home... (I love how a sweaty 4-year-old can't see the sweat dripping down her mom's face while she is looking right at her)... and I'm just tired. worn out. exhausted.<br />
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One busy day is bearable. Two, three... but busyness seems my constant state lately. And it is mostly because 99% of the time I am surrounded by small children. Usually 3 or 4 children, but always at least my own 2. And I am usually on my own with them. On Sundays you may see me with 16 toddlers. Monday-Friday, again, I am with 1st graders or at recess duty with Kindergartners through 3rd graders. And when I leave them, my own are once again with me until I make them lay down at night. Always noise. And mess. And fighting. And being selfish. And hopefully hearing the Gospel I am trying to give them in my teaching them... Please?<br />
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I see adults in passing. I have meaningful conversations with them even less. Sometimes I fear I have forgotten how to have an adult conversation... like what do you say to someone who brushes their own teeth and doesn't need you to wipe their bottom?! Sometimes I feel very much at a loss. Like I am struggling to find a time to go get even a haircut... and I'm not sure what topics I am even qualified to discuss with the adult stylist once I actually get an appointment and go!<br />
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I am a busy woman. I am so busy that I don't really ever have time to think about it. I am also married to a busy man. And we live in a busy world. Between the two of us, we have 5 jobs, 4 of them being part-time of course (because we only have the same 24 hours everyone else does), and all the while we are parenting small children... very stubborn, spirited small children. Fortunately, they get it from us, and most of the time we are stubborn and spirited enough to manage. But right now is my husband's busiest time of year with his full-time job, and while we truly do bear one another's burdens emotionally... many times he just isn't available to help me physically carry the load I am to carry. He says he married because I am strong. And a lot of the time, I guess this strength he says I have allows me to get a lot done and mostly enjoy it all - all the moving, teaching, redirecting, reminding, disciplining, forgiving, explaining... most of the time I love being surrounded by these little people who are ignorant of how ugly the world can be... these little persons whose biggest problems are that their pb&j isn't cut the right way! But by the end of the work day today, my strength was gone... burned up... blown in the wind.<br />
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And I was thinking about this today as I reflected on what the past weeks of my hubby's busy season has been like for me. I don't blame him; this job that keeps him so busy and gone from home often is what feeds, clothes, and shelters me and my children. I am thankful for his work, and for mine. But today I was really thinking as I priced books at the yard sale... All I really want is to sit for hours and read. I want quiet. I want solitude. I want to be left alone. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to buckle car seats. I don't want to wipe butts, tie shoes, wipe snotty noses, explain once again why we don't hit our sibling, or tell a sobbing 4-year-old to take deep breaths and calm down while I cut the itchy tag out of her shirt. And it isn't like wanting a billion dollars that no one you know personally has either, so you don't get so upset knowing it won't happen... instead there are people all around me who get to pee by themselves or go for a walk to clear their head... I mean, I could go for a walk, but answering 4,000 questions about why that dog only has 3 legs and why we can't hate mean people will only make more of a muddle!<br />
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I am so tired lately, that even the idea of spending time with my friends sounds like too much work. And I am a very social person! I am just so tired!<br />
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And when we are tired, our guards are down. I know mine goes down quickly when I am running on fumes! I start to get jealous of people who breezily mention they read a book, grew a garden (which I wouldn't want to do anyway), took an interesting class, shopped in a store for something other than groceries... many of the people I hear say these things are my friends who are just older enough than me to have grown kids... like they aren't old enough to be my parents, but definitely like an older sister-type... and sometimes I find myself wishing our lives away to get there to their status. To have time to be a woman with interests and friends and brunches/lunches/coffees/day trips... I honestly don't have any hobbies anymore, unless you count having Netflix on in the background or occasionally reading the assigned book for my book club (which I haven't even started the one we are supposed to be reading now... I haven't even ordered it... I really haven't thought about it much either).<br />
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But tonight as I walked out of the yard sale that we were prepping, across the parking lot I barely overheard a conversation between 2 older moms. Both have older-to-grown kids. Both of them are dealing with having to watch their older kids make major life-decisions... and they are both worried as they watch their kids make the wrong choices. At first I only thought of them, for them... I prayed a prayer of thanks to God that they can run into someone else who is going through something similar. Then I thought about them in comparison with my struggle. I started to think about how difficult it would be to watch your older kids - people you have literally poured most of your life's hours into leading, guiding, teaching - go against what you taught them, watch them believe lies, choose negative influences in their lives, permanently tie themselves to these negative influences, and sometimes even cut you completely off from their lives. I'm sure it happens more than I know.<br />
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And I realized that this parenting job doesn't end. Sure, it changes... morphs... appears different. These ladies I saw conversing in the parking lot have more time on their hands now to pursue their interests and just to live life at a more enjoyable pace... plenty of time to stop in the middle of a parking lot and have a deep discussion without worrying about a short person getting hit by a car... but they are still mamas. You could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. I didn't listen to much of the conversation, but just the few small pieces I overheard, put together with what I know their families are struggling through right now... they still worry. They still wish they could fix it all, and they can't. They still wish they could smack some wisdom into their child's heart and mind so they may spare them of having to learn it all the hard way.<br />
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And then I looked down at my littles. These 2 cuties that God has entrusted to me for this time... and I realized that it will always be a trade off. Now, my time and energy is strapped. Later it will also be my money. After that, I'll get my time back, but I'll be older... and my interests may change by then. And these little people will live elsewhere... maybe across town, maybe across the ocean. And I will have to watch from the sidelines, whatever glimpses they allow me to have, every life-decision they make for themselves. I won't be tying their shoes or packing their lunches or yelling at them to stop yelling in the car (yep, I have done that... several times)... but I'll still have to be trusting God with them every step of the way.<br />
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So today I am just too tired. I won't always feel like this. I'll probably wake up tomorrow ready to go 90 mph again, probably chasing them! But it is now that I have to learn contentment. It is now I must rely upon the Lord for the strength I need. Because in the blink of an eye, I'll wake up one day... and I'll have way more time to worry and mull over what only He has control over, anyway. I won't always be so busy. I won't always have to make so many in-the-moment decisions that affect other people. But I will always have something that is bigger than me, and I will always be a flawed human whose reach doesn't go half as far as I would like.<br />
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So I go to sleep tonight. And I rest. For I serve a big God, the only true God. I am inadequate. He already knew that. I won't get it right. He is prepared for that. But if He allows me to wake in the morning, He promises new mercies await me there... that He has a purpose for each day He wakes me... and that He will be my adequacy for me... He will overflow my cup.<br />
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"How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure..."<br />
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And knowing that... gives me the sweetest rest, not just for my body, but for my soul.Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-47985581021456491172016-09-11T15:22:00.003-07:002016-09-11T16:21:45.589-07:009/11 - "We Will Never Forget"... I'm Pretty Sure We Already HaveI remember where I was, what I was doing, and how the entire day went... September 11th, 2001. I was 18 and a freshman in college. I was getting ready for class and was heading out the door when the news came on about the first tower being hit, and being my first-born, authority-pleasing self, I went ahead and drove the few minutes to campus, even though I was still trying to sift through all the details of this freak accident in my mind - searching for more information on the radio as I drove. I ran into my class, which was to be held in the auditorium that day with a guest speaker. Instead of the speaker, they had the news projected onto the giant stage screen, and at first I was very confused, because as I entered and watched the replay video of the plane hitting the tower, I realized there was already smoke and flames... And then it dawned on me what I had just seen on that large screen was a live shot of the second plane hitting the other tower, not a replay of the first. We all just sat there watching, crying, many on their phones calling loved ones. It was soon announced that our speaker's plane had not landed on time, and that class was cancelled. Soon, the entire campus canceled classes and closed, later my shift at the local American Eagle was canceled because the whole mall closed, the line at the gas pump was forever long, and once I finally got back home, I sat in the living room and watched the news all day long. I thought back to 6th grade when we learned about the Oklahoma City Bombing and watched the news all day in all our classes - how jumbled all the information had been at first - and how much what I might be hearing then on 9/11 would later be corrected. I thought about how much I missed my parents. I watched people covered in ashes limp out of the cloud that was New York City. I heard speeches, watched Congress sing "God Bless America" together on the Capitol steps, and the President ended the day by promising we would bring the terrorists to justice.<br />
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It seemed for such a long time, I'm not sure how long, American flags were EVERYWHERE! On government buildings, stores, cars... People held each other and prayed. Opposing sides wept and worked together. Persons of different religions, races, cultures, etc. stood together to honor those that had fallen because they worked in the targeted places, and those who also lost their lives because they entered those areas to do their greatest work. We said we would never forget... we literally wrote it on the sides of buildings and hung great banners with our promise.<br />
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And then we forgot anyway.<br />
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After a long while, people took the flags down, and they remembered their arguments and picked their hatred, prejudices, lies, and manipulation back up. We went back to looking out for ourselves instead of others. We forgot that we once rose from the ashes as a nation to be leaders in victory against evil...<br />
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I mean, sure, we remember the date and the facts and what took place... but look at the current events in our nation, and you easily see that we have forgotten. It is staggering to me how different things are since 15 years ago! Less community, more division. And especially in this election year, I fear we now make so many decisions, and make stances built upon fear and selfishness. And it has all been magnified and exponentially bred over the years by the abuse of social media to argue and attack one another. We now value our own opinions more than we do someone else's life... which, if we think about it, is how 9/11 happened in the first place.<br />
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Why was it so easy to come together on this day 15 years ago? Perhaps because at that time, we saw that everyone is going through a struggle. That every life is precious. That it is a grave mistake to value your beliefs over others' lives. Sure, most of us wouldn't kill other people we disagree with today, but how often do we spew hate with our words, spoken or typed?<br />
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I have seen "We will never forget" all over my newsfeed today... but it is a lie, America. You have forgotten. With racism, riots, lies, manipulating facts, feeding upon people's fears, not standing up for the right, not calling out wrongs, and pretending to be the same country that once had a strong backbone and a loving heart.<br />
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You might remember being sad. You may remember that people were killed. That others sacrificed. You might remember that security became tighter. But "We will never forget" wasn't about remembering facts and past feelings! It was a message, a lesson, that apparently we missed.<br />
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"We will never forget" should have meant that we finally learned our lesson about putting our differences aside. We should have learned that decisions should be made based on love AND logic, not only one side, and definitely not out of fear and victimization.<br />
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I can't help but feel angry at the stark contrast between the country I lived in as an 18-year-old and the one I live in now. People are so easily offended, take sides so quickly. We surround ourselves with only opinions that sound like our own. And we throw grace out the window once we are approached by someone with a differing view. Perhaps it seems worse even more this year because it is an election year, one that scares me tremendously. I am a strong conservative, but people on all sides scare me with their tactics, and their supporters' angry arguing tempts me to despair.<br />
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I guess I am also tempted to become overwhelmed with defeat because it is now 15 years away from the tragedy. And if we didn't really learn these lessons then, how could we learn them now? And so many major tragedies have happened since, but our responses aren't the same. These mass shootings and bombings around the world have only divided us more. Do we have to experience greater mass disaster to truly care about one another? Can we only be great when circumstances are at their worst?<br />
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I am only one person, and I am only raising a few children. I cannot control what others say and do, and let's face it, I can't control what the people living in my home say or do. I probably will not change the world, and maybe not even the minds of the people who read this. But I am determined that in our home and lives that "We will never forget" will not be an empty promise spoken by selfish hearts just to feel better about themselves. I am determined that in our realm of influence it will mean these important things:<br />
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1) All life is precious. I do not care if you and I agree. I don't care if you annoy the crap out of me. I don't care if you are of a different race, religion, lifestyle, age, gender, or political affiliation - you are made in the image of God, and I see your life as precious.<br />
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2) We live in a community of souls. And each soul has struggles. I will not see my struggle as more important than yours. I will try to make yours mine as well. I will try to help you get through it. Not because I am stronger than anyone else, because I'm not... quite the opposite! I should want to help you bear your burden because I am another soul with another struggle. That should develop compassion in my heart for yours, and hopefully yours for mine. What good comes from being in the trenches together, trying to prove to others that our part of the trench is deeper?! What do we win if we prove we have the hardest struggle? I feel like so many are trying to make everyone else aware that their struggle is more difficult than others'. I know I must do better at living intentionally for community and remembering others' struggles. I need to remember that life is more fulfilling when poured out for others.<br />
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3) I will be thankful. For life. For freedom. For those who paved the way for me to have both of those. If any one of those who died could see how we take life and freedom for granted, I can't imagine how it would feel like a stab to their heart. How dare we live life in America like we don't owe our thanks to someone else for it!<br />
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4) I will fight temptation to lose hope. I have hope for many things and people. I hope our country repents and turns to God. I hope the oppressed are met with compassion and help. I hope we would all want to contribute to society with the abilities and resources we have been blessed with, not if the government requires us to, but out of gratitude to be alive in this great country. I hope those with more would give to those with less, out of gratitude for having so much. I hope those with less would find comfort in the Lord and His people... which means I wish the Church would WAKE UP and DO THE JOB Christ set before us! I hope that wrongs would be made right. I hope that we would forgive and graciously let go of all hatred and bigotry. I hope that people would truly want power to change things for good, instead of just being able to call the shots. <br />
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5) I will remember the Greatest Sacrifice, and that didn't happen only 15 years ago. While I will remember and honor those fallen on 9/11 and allow the lessons to wash over me and change me... there is a Greater Death and Life found in Christ, Himself! Those of us who trust in this great God should never be dismayed. For He humbled Himself to experience our struggles and limited His own power to understand our hardships, and He did it all without selfishness or sin... and when the right time came, He gave Himself up to give you and I the greatest hope there is. If and when none of my hopes come to fruition, I still hope, because of Christ's sacrifice and example and the Word of God, I can continue to hope for eternal things and not despair at the corruption of governments made by man.<br />
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So while I weep at the memories of 9/11, I should not allow the sadness to overcome me. And while I remember the tragedy, I should also remember the strength and compassion displayed in the midst of it. How truly tragic it is, if 9/11 becomes merely a sad day with a cool video in memory of a lot of people who died. "We will not forget" should mean "this has changed us and drives us forward, together".Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-60917184020780319872016-08-30T17:13:00.003-07:002016-08-30T17:49:33.583-07:00To the Bridesmaid Farthest From MeWe have all been, or known, someone who was the bridesmaid standing the farthest away from the bride during the entire wedding - first person to walk in, last to walk out... and probably sees nothing but the back of a veil the entire wedding ceremony... we all know that usually the physical distance away from the bride on stage has a direct correlation to the closeness of the friendship between the bride and that bridesmaid. I'm not sure anyone ever has come right out and said that before, but let's face it... it is usually the absolute truth.<br />
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In my wedding the same was true, but perhaps even more so because I had followed some advice from a mentor that I now see as incredible truth and accountability for my marriage... not just my wedding! This mentor encouraged Kyle and I to not do the usual and choose friends <i>from</i> our past, but to choose friends <i>for</i> our future, to be in the wedding party. He said for us to have people on that stage who understood they were there to help keep us accountable to the vows we were making to each other. These needed to be people who would be living life alongside us, not just people we had fond memories of.</div>
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In most weddings, you see old friends flying in from wherever else because she and the bride were best friends in elementary school or cheer camp, etc. I really only followed our mentor's advice, at first, because it helped me solve a major problem. I grew up in a close-knit group of about 7-9 girls that were very close... and I had been in most of their weddings! I felt like I should repay the favor, but I did not know how I was going to choose my sister, plus my current best friend, and then somehow ask all or just a few of those 7-9 girls... without hurting feelings, going financially broke paying for their dresses, and not clutter the stage during the wedding.</div>
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So, Kyle and I picked a number based on the number of people attending the wedding (1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen per 75 people attending the wedding, I think the usual is per 50 attenders). Then we had to decide who those 4 people on stage for each of us were going to be. I chose not to ask anyone with kids, because being a bridesmaid is a lot of work. Showers to throw, bachelorette to plan, the day of getting ready and pictures... that would be a lot for a mom to sacrifice the time, money, and energy toward. The first 3 were very easy to choose - my sister, my current best friend, and my aunt (who was more like a sister). But with only one more spot left to fill, I thought about our mentor's advice... and I picked my friend, Cassy. Granted, we hadn't known each other very long, but we had gotten to know each other more and more ever since I had started dating Kyle. See, Cassy is married to Kyle's best friend, Matt. The more I got to know her, the more I really liked how honest, down to earth, and fun she was. And since her husband was my husband-to-be's best friend, I figured she would be the perfect person to fill that role, who would be in my life, and perhaps would call me out if I wasn't being the wife I promised to be.</div>
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It is funny how as life changes, we do too. We don't mean to, we just constantly adjust to make room for the things that come along and say goodbye to things, and people, that just don't fit anymore. And then for the same life changes, others come into your life and encourage you in ways you had never planned. I figured we would be spending quite a bit of time with Matt and Cassy, and we sometimes did when they lived in the same town as us... but I find that we have made more of an effort to see them much more since they moved away than we ever did when they were 5 minutes away! I think it was one of those "you don't know what you have until it is gone" kind of things.</div>
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It is funny that as they have moved to Texas and then Tulsa... my friendship with Cassy has grown in a way that I never would have guessed. It seems like we got closer after they moved away, even though our lives got busier too. Usually distance and busyness would ruin friendships that weren't that strong to begin with, but perhaps it was the milestones of our lives that brought us closer as friends. We had kids! And we drove down to Dallas as soon as we could to see them when Cassy had their first daughter. Then Cassy drove up to see us and take our daughter's newborn photos less than 2 weeks after she was born! We made it just in time to the hospital with their second daughter as they were packing up to go home... so we just went to their house and hung out for the rest of the day! And they didn't care! Most people would need quiet and wouldn't want visitors - we knew they loved us when they opened their home to their newly-born daughter and us on the same day! Then they came and brought their girls to see our son when he was born... and we have been to every birthday party in between, and we usually spend New Years Eve hanging out with them!</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8Aj9Znik0rymm1pkGdaAVcLIN04I9f-bDy2iw_WIg1f3XkHKuKe8a3yieNmlAiYmV1L1MZcnUV2T0s1LbfByFu20DxEozuGYHbfnih4DXbpM6OgGcZK4J2yfy6_SGql3ojdjc3nXOViU/s1600/cassy8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic8Aj9Znik0rymm1pkGdaAVcLIN04I9f-bDy2iw_WIg1f3XkHKuKe8a3yieNmlAiYmV1L1MZcnUV2T0s1LbfByFu20DxEozuGYHbfnih4DXbpM6OgGcZK4J2yfy6_SGql3ojdjc3nXOViU/s320/cassy8.jpg" width="255" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Back when I wasn't even dating Kyle yet... I think this was at a wedding I crashed and hung out with her, Matt, and Kyle the rest of the day!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The guys trying to figure out the nose-sucker on Matt and Cassy's first baby!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My daughter pulled up to a standing position for the first time at Matt and Cassy's house!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our friends came from Tulsa to see our son when he was born!</td></tr>
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I was thinking through this a couple of weekends ago when Matt and Cassy and their girls came to spend the weekend here in Tahlequah. She was going to shoot my family's photos AGAIN, and none of us were okay with the idea of them just coming to town for a few hours. So it was our turn to host the usual fun weekends we have with them - we watch our kids play together, eat good food, and then "visit" - ya know what old people call sitting around and talking. We often joke about how we thought our parents were so boring for just wanting to sit and talk with their friends when we were growing up... but here we are doing the exact same thing!<br />
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It is odd how when some people become married or parents, your friendships just aren't the same with them anymore. Maybe because they are consumed with their new relationship, jobs, new friends, or perhaps your philosophies for parenting or other major life happenings are too different to reconcile. I feel like Matt and Cassy have become our closest "couple friends", not because of how often we see them or because they live nearby. We actually don't see each other that often, but when we go see them, I already know we are going to 1) stay up late, so late that we hate ourselves the next morning, 2) talk and laugh the whole time 3) usually about religion and politics! And we even disagree on issues at times, but I never find myself bored, and we never actually get angry or argue! We have disagreed on some pretty hot topics that have people all-caps shouting and cursing at each other on the internet... and yet, I couldn't respect Matt and Cassy more, even though we may not agree and have even had some debates. They are real people who are trying to follow Christ and raise a family the best they can... and they are really having to think through and be intentional to do it right. We understand the same struggles to strive for a goal, depend on Christ's grace and mercy through it all, and somehow fight for balance.</div>
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We may disagree or react differently to a few things, but for the most part we share the same core values. We are followers of Christ and try to live by His Word. We share beliefs that affect how we parent, entertain, spend money, and how we spend our time. It is amazing to know that when we are hanging out with them, I know they are not judging us or questioning certain things we say and do, because they probably do something similar. And it isn't just the sameness that is encouraging, but there are things they do as a couple and family that we admire and are inspired to do better in, because we see their example. It is amazing to know that when we spend time with them, even if our kids are running around like crazy, I can truly relax! Cassy doesn't care what we drove there in, what I am wearing, that my kids are loud, or that I have chosen to send my daughter to the local public school instead of homeschooling. She isn't going to wince that I have Cheetos in my cabinets, even though she would never feed those to her kids, if given the choice.</div>
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As we were laughing and talking about the thrilling topics of government, church community groups, church planting, etc... the time flew by, and I was so thankful that God brought them into our lives! I sat there engaged in conversation with heavy, tired eyes, but my spirit was very alive. 'How rare and blessed to find friends such as these' is all I could think to myself. And I hope I never take that for granted. So many times women can't stand their husbands' friends, and especially not their wives... I am grateful that in many cases, my hubby's friends and their wives have become mine as well... and especially with Matt and Cassy.</div>
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So even though she was the furthest (yes, I switched it on purpose) away from me at my wedding, and I was probably closer to several other friends who were sitting out in the audience at that time... I can honestly say that she is now one of my dearest friends. I respect her not only as my friend, but she is a great wife, mother, and follower of Christ! I have been challenged, encouraged, and comforted having her for a friend. And as a professional photographer, I am thankful that even though she isn't IN any of the photos that hang in my home... I can look around my living room, hallways, and the bedrooms of our home, and she really is in all of these pictures of the people I love the most, because she captured them so I could treasure them always!<br />
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I promise, I had already started this blog topic, Cassy, before today. But I thought what better day to publish it than on your birthday! Ya know, it was only a few weeks ago that I realized we are both August babies who married January-born men... weird! Thanks for being my friend, for giving me a hard time about having to be invited before I go somewhere, and for being you!</div>
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Happy birthday!</div>
Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-70687465816267368322016-08-14T15:01:00.002-07:002016-08-14T15:43:25.724-07:00Questions for 4 Months, Answers TomorrowHello, dear reader. Please forgive me for my silence. I have had a fun summer, activities-wise, but I have spent a lot of time trying to discern what God's plan is for me and my family... not my plan (which, let me tell you was a pretty good one), but HIS!<br />
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In my <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2016/04/setting-goals-in-reverse-how-our-goals.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: red;"><b><i>last blog post</i></b></span></a>, I spelled out some plans my husband and I made at the beginning of 2016 with the next several years in mind. Toward the end of that post, I wrote this:<br />
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<u><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #dbe6ed; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 21.56px;">But we... agree that our plans are just that - plans. Tentative plans. Plans made by human minds with finite understanding of the big picture that God is weaving together. With school budgets the way they are currently, I may not find a teaching job at all. And if that is the case, God will give us children in His timing, and He will continue to provide for bills He has given us - just as He has time and time again in the past. There have been times in the past that money was just handed to us for no reason, sometimes by secret-givers. There have been times when extra jobs became available, and we were able to earn some money for a special need. There are other ways of paying for adoptions... there are other types of adoption that cost a lot less or practically nothing at all too. The point is, God is still God. This world is still His creation. I am a steward, not an owner. I am the servant, not the Master. I only control my obedience, not the journey or outcome of any of this...</span><span style="background-color: #dbe6ed; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; line-height: 21.56px;">And we keep reminding each other months later that however it works out, we are open. We have a plan held out in flat hands for God to shape into mirror-images of His plans... or to make it easier for our hearts if He snatches our plans out of grasp. He is the Lord, and He has every right to "exercise His will over our lives".</span></span></u><br />
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It is very interesting how I ended that post, especially since as I wrote it, I also very much believed that we had landed on THE PLAN. In theory, I always know that God can change my plans, but when it happens for real, it is a very confusing time for me.<br />
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In fact, I spent a lot of time saying things like this over the summer, "It seems like God is confused." or "It seems like God is one of those bad songwriters that just makes up the song as he goes."<br />
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I am always sure to say "seems", because that is exactly what it is... I am experiencing feelings that are NOT truth. The truth is that God has had a plan that includes major details, like the universe and governments and The Great Awakening... down to the minute details like whatever color Eve's hair was and why I have wide ankles. He knows it all, because He put it all there, or allowed it to happen. And if it seems He keeps changing things on me or that things don't go together, then I need to wait for HIS answers to my questions... because He doesn't change and "all things work together".<br />
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So what happened, you ask? Well, as I described in my last post, my husband and I had made plans for me to go back to work full-time for this 2016-2017 school year. My old job was available again, I would only have one child in childcare, and we wanted to start saving money for future kids. So I applied, interviewed, and waited. And waited. They said they would call by the end of the week, but it had been 3 weeks... and they had done more interviews. I started to naturally make a back-up plan... but that turned into questioning the whole thing. I found myself asking God to take me back to drawing board, without any plans of my own, to see what He really wanted me to do with my time during this season of our lives...<br />
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And what I felt like God telling me was, 'Don't go back to full-time work. Enjoy your young children. And trust Me to provide for whatever future children I bring you."<br />
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So Kyle, my husband, and I went to breakfast alone, and I told him I didn't think I was supposed to go back to work. We agreed just to continue as we had the previous school year. So I let the mom that I had been babysitting for know that she could count on me this coming school year.<br />
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And the next day I got a job offer. I politely said no.<br />
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Then another one... I politely said no.<br />
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Then another one... and I started to be very confused, feel guilty, and feel weighed down by pressure. Had we made the wrong decision with changing our minds? Were we right the first time? What was God trying to show me by withholding job offers until I made a decision, and then they started pouring in???<br />
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After talking with Kyle again, I turned down that job offer too. I actually cried while doing it, because I wanted to please everyone and do the right thing... but I felt like everything hinged on my decision. This is very unlike me. I usually make decisions quite easily and figure God will show me if I was wrong soon afterwards. I bought my car after driving it once. I purchased my first house after looking at it once. I was offered my first teaching job right after my first interview and accepted right there in the parking lot. I usually do not spend a lot of time or energy doubting my decisions... but now that I am older, I guess I was thinking about how my husband, my children, and possibly future children depend on my current use of wisdom.<br />
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Again, small me thinking I hold the universe together... when I struggle to get a load of laundry washed, dried, folded, and put away within 2-days' time! Ha!<br />
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Knowing Kyle supported my decision to keep turning down jobs meant the world to me. And being reminded that God is always still in control no matter what I do helped too!<br />
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So, school started last Thursday. We took our daughter to her first day of school. And then my son and I headed to preschool for his first half-day in his class, and for my first half-day back to work. The director that I assist in the 4s&5s class said, "I am sorry to tell you this, but we had 4 kids drop last week, so enrollment is down. So, I don't know, but after this week, I'm not sure we can keep you on, at least until our numbers go back up."<br />
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I wasn't upset or panicking at all, because we had been able to pay our bills over the summer without any extra pay from me. For me, it really is important that I get to teach a little, because I love it, get to save some money for our near-future goals, and still get to be home in the afternoons with my son and to serve my family. So I casually thought, "I'll call my friend who is a principal of the local Christian elementary school, because I know she is having to start the school year without a full staff. I could only offer her my mornings, but maybe she is needing whatever she can get... and it would help me out too!"<br />
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So I texted her.<br />
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She immediately called me back! She had JUST FINISHED talking to a teacher who felt God was wanting her to take on an older grade level full-time, leaving a morning-only teaching position available. Right after they had this discussion, she received my text about being available in the mornings.<br />
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So I had an interview that evening. I met my students the next morning, went through the curriculum, explored a little in the classroom, and I start on Monday!<br />
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Now here are some even more incredible details that are blowing my mind - this teacher who is moving grade-levels already has the classroom set up! She already has all of next week planned as well! Which is great for me, because it is a FIRST GRADE CLASSROOM! Have I ever taught 1st grade? Not in an academic setting, that's for sure! And at first, I was very nervous about the challenge of learning a whole new grade level until I learned that I have 3 students! THREE STUDENTS! I was not only relieved at hearing that, but I was excited about the possibilities! Every teacher would love to spend the kind of one-on-one instruction, discussion, and help to give to students like I will be able to with only 3 students! And since this next week is already planned and prepped, I will get to go through this next week, getting a feel for what works and how to make it mine as time goes on!<br />
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So starting tomorrow, I will be teaching in a real classroom again (so, so excited), but only part-time (again, so, so excited)! I will still get to be home with my son and husband for lunch, be able to cook for our college students and do laundry during nap time, and pick my daughter up from school each day!<br />
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And now I KNOW that God isn't a bad songwriter. And once again, I am reminded that He is never confused. Things had to happen in this order, and in His timing. Do I know why He wants me in these 3 students' lives yet? No. And I am looking forward to seeing why He wants them in my life. <br />
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God answered prayers and questions for several people in this scenario. I don't know why He decided to involve me, and bless me with answers too. I'm just grateful and in awe... and ready to get to work tomorrow!Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-76396417820903476582016-04-21T20:14:00.002-07:002016-04-21T20:15:30.662-07:00Setting Goals in Reverse: How Our Goals for 2020 Begin NowI have to admit that I was an avid FRIENDS fan and saw every episode for 10 years. And the experience I am about to relay to you, dear reader, made me think of an episode when Rachel sits down to make some life goals during her 30th birthday party... <br />
Check out the clip: <u> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlFq6RZs9Qg">Setting Goals in Reverse, Rachel-style!</a></u><br />
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As she is backtracking to her present situation, she realizes that what she wants is never going to happen if she continues just "seeing how it goes" in her current life situations. My husband and I had a similar experience when setting our New Year's Resolutions for 2016 and beyond.<br />
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It was going to be a long day in the car, and it was the first day of a brand new year! My husband, Kyle, and I had spent the previous evening/night celebrating New Year's Eve with friends in Tulsa, and the next day we were driving to a suburb of Branson to pick up a wood-burning stove we had purchased off Craig's-List. We had had a pretty crazy holiday season, due to having our van totaled just days before we traveled to 3 states for the our Christmas celebrations - yaaaay... But what looked like a disaster had turned into a blessing. See, a couple of weeks before someone rear-ended our van, we had been given an estimate of what it would cost to get our fireplace to work properly... let's just say A LOT! And then we were in a car accident... so we were headed into the holiday season trying to keep the "merry" spirit in our hearts. It just worked out that we found a van exactly like the one we had (except the color) and it was cheap enough that with the leftover insurance money we could also purchase a used wood-burning stove to set in our fireplace! So, that was just a side-story, but how awesome is that?!<br />
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So, we headed out for the Branson-area with thankful hearts that all had turned out fine, in fact much better than we had hoped! And our kids were staying with my parents, so a day-long road trip with the love of my life... yes, it was just to pick up a stove, but it felt like a New Year's date day - even though it would all be spent in the car.<br />
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It surprised me how I hadn't really thought about what 2016 would look like... I figured it would look a lot like 2015... me being home while working a few odd jobs, my oldest starting school in the fall, and spending more time with my little guy who would be turning 2 soon. But it being New Year's Day, the conversation naturally rolled around to what our goals and "resolutions" would be for the new year. And while I'm not sure if this is how every couple is, but like all our planning conversations go, the topic of future children came up. We have always talked about having 4 kids, and adopting... we have debated on whether adopting was included in the 4 total or not... but that's beside the point.<br />
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We currently have 2 kids, and we used to want all of our kids to be really close in age. Our youngest is turning 2 soon, so it was needed to talk about what our future plans were in the "when to have more babies" category. The reason we hadn't discussed it much is because we haven't been able to agree on <i><b>how</b></i> our next babies are getting here. I had been feeling quite done having the babies myself, but Kyle wants one more biologically. And since we can't agree, we just compromised and decided that we would wait a while before making any decisions...<br />
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But during our conversation we eventually agreed that we want to have one more child biologically and then adopt... one... maybe more... we'll see how it goes...<br />
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The planner in me instantly reacted with, "So, when? And how? How much will that cost? How will we save that much money?..."<br />
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We agreed that we wanted to put some time between our first 2 kids and the next "batch" is what I kept saying. But we don't want too much time to pass. We very much want to do open adoption, and we have a specific agency we keep coming back to... and they require a parent to stay-at-home until the adopted child is in Kindergarten... so that is definitely something that plays a big part in "the plan".<br />
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And then there is the practical financial side to things... I am a stay-at-home mom with a few part-time jobs that pay for a little fun here and there... how were we going to save the thousands of dollars we would need to go the adoption route we want to pursue? And having another baby (via c-section) would cost money too. Where would this extra money come from?<br />
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As we continued our discussion, we reminisced about how we didn't know how God was going to work out our finances for me to stay home in the beginning... and looking back over the past 2 years, we have seen how God has glued together this framework for us to work and support our family while still being able to have more flexible schedules for the things we have wanted to accomplish in our family and ministry...<br />
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So we know we can live on less money that we did when we both worked full-time. And our daughter is starting school this Fall. So we would only have one child in childcare if I went back to work full-time. And the job I had before will be opening up again... hmm... I really miss teaching. I worked before when we only had one child at home... hmm... We could live off the same budget and put all the extra money in savings for a c-section and open adoption...<br />
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So, all of that being said, we came home that day on the same page with a very different vision for 2016 and beyond than we did before... Definitely a working backwards way of doing it, but we realized that what we want to accomplish years down the road starts today and is built upon tomorrow.<br />
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But we also agree that our plans are just that - plans. Tentative plans. Plans made by human minds with finite understanding of the big picture that God is weaving together. With school budgets the way they are currently, I may not find a teaching job at all. And if that is the case, God will give us children in His timing, and He will continue to provide for bills He has given us - just as He has time and time again in the past. There have been times in the past that money was just handed to us for no reason, sometimes by secret-givers. There have been times when extra jobs became available, and we were able to earn some money for a special need. There are other ways of paying for adoptions... there are other types of adoption that cost a lot less or practically nothing at all too. The point is, God is still God. This world is still His creation. I am a steward, not an owner. I am the servant, not the Master. I only control my obedience, not the journey or outcome of any of this.<br />
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But I did learn a lot that day riding shotgun with my husband on the way to pick up a stove. We came home that day with a reunited front against apathetic passing of time. We headed home with a new glimmer for old hopes. And we keep reminding each other months later that however it works out, we are open. We have a plan held out in flat hands for God to shape into mirror-images of His plans... or to make it easier for our hearts if He snatches our plans out of grasp. He is the Lord, and He has every right to "exercise His will over our lives".Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-36194532766064908822016-04-09T15:16:00.001-07:002016-04-09T16:07:23.850-07:00Freedom from Junk 2016 - Day 57... Um, I Mean Day 68<span style="background-color: white;"><i><b style="background-color: #eeeeee;">Can I just be honest and say that these past 6 weeks of me working full-time while trying to keep up with my other part-time job, helping my husband with his ministry, trying to spend meaningful time with our kiddos, and just trying to keep up with the basics - clean underwear, food, and clean dishes - has been a blur - an impossible blur! So trying to finish the Freedom from Junk Challenge in the month of February on top of all that was an insane idea! In the beginning, it seemed like a great idea! But the awful embarrassing truth about me is that I think I am Superwoman. I do! I might never say that, but I just keep saying "Yes" when I should have learned by now how to say, "No", "Not now", or "Never"... but I am a very unteachable stubborn person. And every once in a while I have to face the reality that I am not now, nor have I ever been, super anything. Except maybe super stuck on pretending that I am. Those 6 weeks of working full-time again in, what I feel, is one of the hardest jobs... I felt pulled in many directions at once. And I had to once again admit that I am only one person only capable of being in one place at a time, doing only what 2 hands, 2 feet, and a Bachelors degree can accomplish. But I learned a lot about myself, I got to teach professionally (which is something in my blood, it literally pumps life into me... as it also drains it out, ha!), I Was reminded what a true partner my husband is as he took on a lot to help fill the gaps I couldn't fill anymore, and I got to see what it is like to work full-time while having 2 kids! There are pros and cons to pretty much everything in life, and those 6 weeks (and what they were all for) is another blog post coming soon!</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">I bet you noticed that the title of this post says "Day 57"... this was supposed to all be done by the end of February. It is the end of March, and we are only halfway finished with this challenge. </span><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span>It was so long ago, I even had to reread my last posts about this uncluttering challenge just to remember what my goals were, let alone actually reach any of them! We still have all the previously cleared out items for give-away and selling, some of it currently being in a huge car seat box in our bedroom. Kyle has been awesome, throwing in new items for give-away on occasion. And each time he tells me he has added something to the box, I chuckle, mentally pinning my chest with a failed challenge badge.</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">But, the great news is that I made up the goals and the challenge... so I can restart the challenge! Today was my first day back to my normal life of full-time mom, part-time babysitter... tomorrow I go back to my part-time preschool assistant job. I spent most of the morning just putting everything back in its place in my home, and it feels so good to look around and know that my house is put back together, for the most part. I hated the feeling for 6 weeks of walking by clutter, dirty laundry, both sides of my sink full of dirty dishes... and not having the time or energy to take care of all of it the way I want. It seemed everything in my home was only partly done, and it drove me crazy!</span></b></i></span><br />
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HA!!! That first part was written almost 2 weeks ago! I am still so deranged at times that I believed getting back into my regular schedule and catching up wouldn't be demanding! So I have been back in the "Stay at home mom while working 3 part-time jobs" schedule for 2 weeks, and I just now feel like I am caught up. And by "caught up", I don't mean all my dishes and laundry are clean or that all my projects are completed... all I mean is that I feel present again. Before I felt like I was drowning a bit, and then I felt like I needed to be in recovery from drowning... I now feel like I can manage my life again, or manage within reason and no worse than before!<br />
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So, back in the saddle again for the challenge to declutter my home, and I really am excited to get it done this time! I am going to give myself a more realistic deadline this time around, and I promised my family not to take on any demanding projects or other jobs until this one is finished.<br />
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When we left off last time (Day 14 - gasp), we had cleared out 389 items from our kitchen, entryway closet, my son's/my husband's/my closet and dresser. While I was not able to consign the clothes I cleared from my son's room in the children's resale event I usually participate in every 6 months, I was able to give it all to a friend who is having a baby boy soon! The due date is close to my son's birthday, so I was excited to know that most of the clothes will be the perfect season for her son to use! And putting all these sweet, precious memories in a box to give to someone isn't as difficult when you know they will be used to make new memories for someone else.<br />
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So, we still have half the original goal list to tackle, and at least 111 items to get rid of! The places in my house left to attack and clear out are:<br />
Our bedroom<br />
My daughter's closet<br />
The toys in the living room and play room<br />
Laundry room<br />
Downstairs desk<br />
Upstairs desk<br />
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And let's face it - since it has been 2 months since I cleared out the first spaces, I will need to re-unclutter the kitchen counter that I cleaned the first day of this challenge! Such is life!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhby0POPvnlSrIW5iP7CPtWKl1AYzULZPoRvfNHAn9nHhZ-dT_m_151XExstGySdrgPqw9jN0r84s0NkXUOuKgK88tE0HP4dVXUYjAQ2AJAOLdQhiiKhrSk5EI4jUoya2_1vXt9GNAV7p/s1600/bedroom+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDhby0POPvnlSrIW5iP7CPtWKl1AYzULZPoRvfNHAn9nHhZ-dT_m_151XExstGySdrgPqw9jN0r84s0NkXUOuKgK88tE0HP4dVXUYjAQ2AJAOLdQhiiKhrSk5EI4jUoya2_1vXt9GNAV7p/s320/bedroom+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What my bedroom usually looks like - except sometimes there is even a hamper of clean clothes next to the bed with random shoes and clothes on the floor. This must have been a good day! There is a hope chest at the foot of the bed, but you can't see it because I hate to hang clothes up, so they usually rest here until I make myself do it. Also, the chair next to the bed is my side... I am realizing that I should probably actually use the chair for all those items sitting in the floor underneath it! Sheesh!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5sR0fecahkcVcvkjB6xkLE6eCrvX25Emu-jvllWveu3XhF3ZXK_tz9EyOC0_y8htwhbaz95ifVS6azyk-NvaG36_dMVXl4zwk9dERGRrCpVVRG82LfEi9qwZyPwruuk759iiv_6O_nH6U/s1600/bedroom+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5sR0fecahkcVcvkjB6xkLE6eCrvX25Emu-jvllWveu3XhF3ZXK_tz9EyOC0_y8htwhbaz95ifVS6azyk-NvaG36_dMVXl4zwk9dERGRrCpVVRG82LfEi9qwZyPwruuk759iiv_6O_nH6U/s320/bedroom+2.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the upstairs desk I have listed above as an area in need of uncluttering... I have no idea what are in any of those boxes. And all the random things on the left wall are leftover decorations and other miscellaneous things from Emersyn's birthday party almost 5 months ago!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOYXNGn-tfEmz2EM9XCkWksrPmv4Rh4cQ2VRWrI8nI85HODwme8n-igonUuYY4D85Nw8SdfJdyrLnDVhqwRIzgK0wpZXaDQlpMdvQrgP1LIg9JcQQVaUnmhvxtMtKzfZSTrSoMpErmD7gH/s1600/bedroom+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOYXNGn-tfEmz2EM9XCkWksrPmv4Rh4cQ2VRWrI8nI85HODwme8n-igonUuYY4D85Nw8SdfJdyrLnDVhqwRIzgK0wpZXaDQlpMdvQrgP1LIg9JcQQVaUnmhvxtMtKzfZSTrSoMpErmD7gH/s320/bedroom+3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The closet (which my handy husband designed and built) was also looking pretty good this day! There are always random pictures, papers, hangers, and other items sprawled on the floor. And that car seat box is full of give away items... it has been sitting there since the second week of February.</td></tr>
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<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-23614385314772037092016-03-06T15:45:00.001-08:002016-04-09T14:15:26.099-07:00Choosing How To Burn: Remembering Dred, Learning from Scholl, Reversing RoeOn this day in 1857 the U.S. Supreme Court decided in the Dred Scott case that African-American citizens were not equal to other human beings and citizens in our country, therefore they were denied their basic Constitutional rights. Later with the 13th amendment, that decision was reversed and slavery was finally ended. It wasn't because everyone agreed it should end, and believe me, many many people were offended. Some lost their livelihood, their "way of life", while others gained a fought-for freedom by so many soldiers, legislators, freed men and women, regular people who called themselves abolitionists and spoke out, and of course, the then-former slaves themselves. The government was wrong, which isn't uncommon, but the amazing thing is that the government admitted they were wrong AND CHANGED IT.<br />
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The Nazis used the same arguments to dehumanize Jews and other groups causing 12 million+ people to be wiped out, while every day people kept silent of their disapproval or joined in on these round-ups and mass murders out of fear or believing such lies. America and the rest of the world were horrified when they discovered the truth of how much these people were stripped of their rights and treated worse than animals. The Jews had been blamed for society's problems, propaganda, when all they were doing was existing. They were a target to heap all others' inconveniences and problems upon. And everything Hitler and his followers did were considered legal in their country... because they called the shots, literally. And gas chambers and mass graves... Our nation and the rest of the world called these actions what they were - hate crimes - and ordered justice to be done. We fought a war against them, put them on trial, and eventually the whole world-wide built museums recording the devastation and atrocities carried out - and honored all the victims, those that died and those that survived... because they were people who deserved the same rights as everyone else.<br />
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In 1973, our Supreme Court once again decided that some were not "created equal" and therefore did not deserve the same basic human rights that the rest of us have - the right to keep their lives. In 43 years, our country has stamped "approved" on the murder of over 56 million preborn babies. Our government has been wrong, the church has been silent, but will we admit we've been wrong? Deadly wrong?<br />
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My prayer is that my children's generation will see abortion clinics the way I see Auschwitz in Poland and old slave quarters in the U.S. South - places where horrible atrocities USED TO occur on a daily basis. But why not now?! Why can't we stop being afraid someone will be offended? When will we come alongside these women who feel this is their best option with an unwanted child to let them know all of their options - better options?! If the government won't change on its own, then we must do what those before us have done - awaken our culture from apathetic sleep!<br />
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Abortion is killing 3 thousand of our own a day, and we are either desperate to justify it or ignore it...<br />
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When will we call it what it is - WRONG! When will we demand that our government admit it has been wrong once again and demand change?!<br />
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Instead we have used slogans and propaganda to further this grave sin by calling it many things that it isn't. When will science stop saying, "It is the woman's body, so she should choose"... the baby's body isn't hers - be scientists using basic science! It is not "just another form of birth control", because instead of preventing pregnancy or birth, it ends life. A favorite of so many is that aborition is "a sad necessity to save women's health" and "a reproductive health issue"... when any doctor, nurse, and even abortionist could tell you that reproduction has already occurred when there is a fetus. Or how about those who call for equality for all people, but then decide that since a fetus is not fully developed, they are less human and therefore are not protected with the same rights from the Constitution that the rest of us are... THAT IS AGEISM at its most basic definition... and at its worst.<br />
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When will we stop saying it is for rape victims, because less that 1% of all abortions are for cases of rape and incest! When will we stop saying it is a matter of necessity when 92% of babies diagnosed with Down's Syndrome in utero are aborted... perhaps from inconvenience or fear or vanity?! And when will people stop calling it "pro-choice" when so many former abortion clinic workers and women who have had abortions have come out to admit that the clinics they were in (including Planned Parenthood) never allowed these women to know what their other choices and options were?! These clinics have quotas to meet, and they thrive upon the rhetoric that a baby isn't a baby until the woman carrying the baby thinks of it as such... how is that medical science?!<br />
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We need to consider and care for all humans when discussing this issue - the women who feel trapped and desperate, the babies they are carrying (no matter if the mother thinks of them as babies or not), the children already in foster care (pro-life AND pro-choice people need to do this), and even those clinic workers who perform these murders every day. We especially need to reach out to those who have already had abortions. They all need our love and the truth. We all need to embrace the fact that for 43 years we have been wrong. Deadly wrong. But that doesn't have to be the way we continue!<br />
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See, the difference is that slaves could rise up and be joined by former slaves and other abolitionists to fight for their freedom. Many Jews and their allies helped people escape during the Holocaust and worked tirelessly to rehabilitate them into good health and society when the war was ended. But how can babies from the womb escape? Fight back? Cry out for their own cause? Who is going to argue in court for their rights, because they cannot be heard? It doesn't mean they aren't crying out; we just can't hear them.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; line-height: 24px;">"It has been said that </span><strong style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: 'Open Sans', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">for evil men to accomplish their purpose it is only necessary that good men should do nothing</strong><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; line-height: 24px;">." - </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 24px;">Reverend Charles F. Aked</span><br />
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No child should pay for the sins and troubles his or her parents have had. Unfortunately it happens often - every 30 seconds, in fact. So many of the arguments used today to support abortion were used, and found wanting, in previous eras of discrimination. "The woman owns the fetus, therefore she has the right to end his or her life"... many slave owners used that one. Many have said Blacks and Jews were inferior to others - it never made it true... just as a fetus is considered "less human" because he or she is in an early developmental stage. "I would never have an abortion, but I wouldn't keep someone else from having one"... sounds an awful like those who would never own a slave or turn over a Jew to the Nazis... but I wouldn't stop my neighbor from doing so. "We shouldn't free the slaves, because the quality of their lives would be horrible"... this is a very common argument to support abortion in our age. So many in our culture think a baby should be killed just because they have a higher chance of having a difficult life than others.<br />
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That isn't love. That is the easy way out. It would be more work to take in these children. It would take time and resources to give these women help if they want to raise their own children. It would require more than just a slogan and a $400 trip to Planned Parenthood to make sure each child's chance of a difficult life was lessened. Real love does the hard thing. Real love takes the time and resources and makes beauty from ashes.<br />
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Hate is an apathetic selfishness that says, "Leave me alone and do what you want."<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophie was executed in 1943 for her participation in the resistance movement against the Nazis during WWII.</td></tr>
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Sophie Scholl, an anti-Nazi activist who was executed by the guillotine with her brother, Hans, her quote continues.. <b style="background-color: white;">"It's the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you'll keep it under control... But it's all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn."</b> <i style="background-color: #fcfccc; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.4px;">O<sub style="line-height: 1;">2</sub> : Breathing New Life Into Faith</i><span style="background-color: #fcfccc; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.4px;"> (2008) by Richard Dahlstrom</span><br />
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Many fires have been started in the fight for the rights of the preborn. Many of those flames have died down because 43 years and 57 million murdered babies feels like the fight has been lost. Slavery in the U.S. lasted approximately 250 years. Antisemitism is as old as Bible times. And we feel defeated after only 43 years?! But a new spark is catching fire across our nation and the world; abolitionists have been trying to engage our culture in the discussion. To change our culture's thinking. They are offering to adopt these women's unborn children. They are fostering children already born. They are pleading with these women outside abortion clinics and offering them real help. They are offering free ultrasounds, counselling, and financial help with no strings attached. They are celebrating heroic birth mothers who choose life for their children. They are calling out the sin of silence so disgustingly prevalent in our American churches and government. They are also helping those working in abortion clinics to leave this line of work, find other work, and begin to heal from the the years of daily death caused by their own hands.<br />
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We should remember Roe and thank God that this evil was ended in our country. We should listen to Holocaust victims' stories and allow ourselves to be horrified of not only the evils bad men have done, but also of the horrors decent men allowed through their silence. We must reverse Roe. We need to end AGEISM in our generation!<br />
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<b style="background-color: white; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.4px;">"Somebody, after <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/All" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; text-decoration: none;" title="All"><span style="color: black;">all</span></a>, had to make a <span style="color: black;">start</span>. What we wrote and said is also believed by many others. They just don't dare express themselves as we did." - Sophie Scholl's </b><span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.4px;"><b>Statement to the Volksgerichtshof [People's Court] of Judge Roland Freisler (21 February 1943)</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"Am I not a man and a brother?" picture to the left was used in abolition materials in the 1800s to educate people about the humanity of slaves, and that their captivity, sale, and being owned as property was wrong, criminal even.<br />The picture on the right was taken by Abby Johnson, a pro-life proponent, of her own miscarried child who died in her womb at 7 weeks. She is a former abortion clinic worker who now works to educate our culture about the horrid truths of abortion and runs a ministry called "And Then There Were None" where they rescue abortion clinic workers from that line of work!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22.4px;"><b>For more on this topic go<u> <a href="http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2014/07/and-aint-i-human.html"> here</a></u>.</b></span></span>Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-76653171820251971522016-02-26T07:50:00.002-08:002016-02-26T07:54:24.840-08:00What My Wedding Vows Should Have Been...We wrote our own vows. It is a very modern thing to do... except now, maybe the new hipster thing is to do the old thing... I don't know anymore. I quit trying to be cool quite a while ago! I am 32, and I have been married for almost 7 years. Depending on your view and/or experience of marriage, you may see that as a short time or a long time. But one of the things I have learned about marriage, is that it really shouldn't be measured in time - it should be measured by experiences. I don't think our marriage was ever a challenge until we had a second child, which was about 2 years ago. For us that was the straw that broke the camel's back... except, we are now still happily married, so I guess it just dislocated its hip or something... okay, that's a bad illustration, maybe.<br />
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So for those who think 5 years is too short of a time to feel disconnected from a spouse to the point where you ALMOST don't care anymore... I can say you are wrong. For those who are wondering why it took us so long to get to that point, I want to say that I am truly sorry it happened earlier for you. I am learning it is different for everyone when the honeymoon stage ends, but I have also learned that God can repair anything... ANYTHING. And most of the time, marriage "falls apart" because we stop doing the things we did in the beginning. And once you begin to do those things you did in the beginning - be intentional, spend quality time together, TALK and LISTEN, show enthusiasm, respect, be loving...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There we go - off to be disillusioned!!!</td></tr>
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We found ourselves a little over a year ago in that "just cohabitating and getting by" phase... We had been through a second birth, newborn months of sleepless nights, I had stopped working to stay home with the kids, he had taken on a second job, and we had moved. I think we both took for granted that the other person would be alright if we just gave in to how tired we were. So when we just wanted to veg out, we turned to TV, social networks, and our kids' entertainment. Neither of us were unfaithful or dishonest or mean (well, okay, I was a little mean...) or anything like that. We just slowly drifted into an existence of being fine with things not being fine. I'm sure there are millions of married people who know exactly what I am trying to describe. It is an easy trap to fall into. One night we had a very serious discussion... a crossroads... and I remember saying, "I don't even feel married anymore, and it doesn't even bother me... but that scares me to death!" So we decided to do what it takes to get out of that kind of "don't care" hole... you dig yourself out! We took a class with other couples in our church called "Marriage on the Rock", and we relearned so many things we already knew. We just hadn't cared enough to practice what we would have told anyone else to practice! In the past year we have chiseled through a lot of things that we had allowed to build up between us. It has been difficult, but it is a difficulty that has a greater gain than easy ever gave! We no longer believe "that won't happen to us", because isolation, selfishness, and indifference can happen to ANYONE - whether they have kids or not, whether they have a lot of money or not, whether they had great role models in marriage or not... because in every marriage there are 2 people who have to make their marriage thrive to survive. Anyone who tells you that their marriage has always been easy, they are either lying to you or they are lying to themselves.<br />
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But if this is the universal reality, why don't weddings reflect this truth that is inevitable... that you won't always be head over heels?! I mean, I know that's why we make vows... if marriage was easy forever, then promises wouldn't be necessary. But we are really setting ourselves up for failure, aren't we?! We promise to ALWAYS cherish, ALWAYS care, to ALWAYS love and respect. I am so glad we promise these things at the beginning of a marriage, because being able to rely on one another and trust each other is so vital to keep that marriage alive!<br />
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But what about promising to say "I'm sorry"? What about committing to "supporting you, even when you fail"? What about vowing to forgive? "To stay even if we have the same argument for the next 57 years"?! "To pursue you, even though I have already won you"?!<br />
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I mean, anyone who has been married for a few years or through a few trials of life can tell you that we marry flawed people... that's the only kind of people to marry! So, that means they have married a flawed person too - yourself! Myself!<br />
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If I had known that I would be the kind of wife that hates to apologize, easily justifies using disrespectful tones often, to be defensive, to be easily embarrassed by failure... believe me, I would have written vows that included promises about these things. I guess I knew these things about myself from how I had behaved in other relationships with friends and family, but I was so in love in the beginning that I really believed our love would eradicate all those tendencies within myself... WHAT A JOKE!<br />
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We had our first all-out fight within an hour of returning from our honeymoon. My husband said he didn't want us to go to a family thing, that I really wanted to go to. We fought, I mean FOUGHT! I cried, I felt things toward my husband I had never felt before. My tone was disrespectful, my attitude was mean and selfish... and thankfully I was enough of a newlywed that I paid attention to his logic early enough to see that he was actually thinking about me, trying to help me. I said I was sorry for being a baby and wanting my way. He said he was sorry for... who knows... he is much nicer than me, and often apologizes for how he behaved, when it is really my fault. The family thing was 2 1/2 hours away from home, we had literally just arrived home from being gone for a week, and we both had work in a day and a half... he was right - the last thing we needed to do was spend a full day on the road to go to a family thing when we had a week's worth of dirty laundry in our suitcases and a living room full of gifts we hadn't opened, a refrigerator full of leftover reception food, and planning for the work week ahead. I married a smart man who is strong enough to handle me... and yes, sometimes I need to be told that I am being stubborn and unwise.<br />
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I am also a teacher by nature - it is in my blood! I hate to see others fail, and I have this innate need within myself to help them succeed. I can't help it! And there have been a few moments in our marriage where I thought my husband was making a bad choice. And sometimes not "bad" but just not "best". I have learned that my counsel, while welcomed and listened to, he and I just don't always agree. There have been a few times in our lives where I feel like we are taking steps backward from our goals... and since I am a planner, I always have the next 5 steps for going forward mapped out. I am a control-freak, and it has taken several of these "regression" points in our marriage for me to see that I am often concerned with how things look to other people. I have learned that it matters to me that others know my husband's failures are not mine. That I did not support that unwise decision he made... that others might think less of me if they think less of him. When Kyle and I have a future goal, and he decides to "wait it out" or "let's just see"... it drives me crazy, and I call this failing. I'm learning that <b><i>sometimes</i></b> it is much wiser than bulldozing ahead to make things happen. He is learning that <b><i>sometimes</i></b>, things have to be made to happen.<br />
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That is what marriage is - learning and using each other's strengths (and what sometimes appears as weaknesses) to our family's benefit, for everyone's benefit.<br />
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I have learned that it is impossible to consider myself and my husband "one flesh" when he is being his wonderful self, and then "his decisions aren't mine" when he makes a mistake... I can't have it both ways. That is a lie that ruins marriage. We must share and celebrate all victories while also sharing and learning from each other's defeat <b><i>together</i></b>, and that is what makes a marriage stronger.<br />
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My husband is preaching his first wedding ceremony tomorrow for a dear couple that graduated from our college ministry. And while he has been studying, writing, practicing, and even asking me for my input, it really got me thinking about all of this... Why say vows if they do not assume and provide for the inevitable - we are going to mess up, hurt each other, and fail. We need to promise that we will be faithful, love, respect, and cherish each other - yes! These are essential, vital elements of marriage! But we must also promise to say we are sorry when we screw it all up, even if for the first or the millionth time, and to forgive the other when they have failed. We also need to promise to do whatever it takes to reconcile and dig yourself out of the "don't care" hole, if and when we come to that place... for as long as we both shall live!<br />
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So for those who have yet to say your vows - be sure to allow a section on how you promise to apologize and reconcile with your spouse when your sinfulness and flawed humanness starts to show. And for those who already said your vows... maybe months or decades ago... decide today, just like I have to every day (and still should even when I don't feel like it), that we will say we are sorry to the person who should mean the most to us. That we should love them no matter their weaknesses, fears, and inadequacies. They are just people after all.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "corbel" , "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8</span>Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-56186350963687284552016-02-14T18:36:00.003-08:002016-02-14T18:36:59.224-08:00Freedom from Junk 2016 - Day 14So I didn't do as well this week as I had hoped. I had 3 goal areas of our home to declutter, and I only got to 2 out of the 3... still, not bad, but not what I had hoped. I will let myself off the hook a little, though, because this was the first week of uncluttering our home while I was working full-time! I agreed to substitute for a former coworker and friend while she is on maternity leave! She wasn't due until tomorrow, but she had her baby earlier this past week - so off to the classroom I went, while my kids went to all day childcare! What a whirlwind week! Each night I have been packing lunches and picking out clothes for the next day, and making sure my lesson plans are ready to go and papers graded. My husband has pitched in like crazy, driving the kids to childcare in the mornings and making sure they have brushed their teeth and helping with breakfast and getting dressed... etc.<br />
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Somehow I still got the baking done for Wednesday night (Emersyn, my 4-year-old helped me make Valentine cookies that were pink with sprinkles), but mostly because we had a ton of leftovers from the Super Bowl party! We also managed to see an NSU basketball game, get Emersyn and Keegan's Valentine cards done, and a family get-together in Joplin... All things work together, right?!<br />
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School went pretty well, considering I hadn't been in one in almost 2 years! I even endured Valentine's parties - even though I burned popcorn in the microwave so badly it filled my classroom with smoke and I had a student vomit all over the floor of the bathroom. But I received lots of chocolates, cute little notes, and had a great time overall! I am even enjoying teaching Math - that's right, MATH! I have always been a Language Arts person, but I am realizing that Math is much more straight forward. There's one right answer and the explanation of why it is right. Everything else is wrong. Writing is much more fluid and abstract, and while I still enjoy it, I am seeing the benefits of being able to model something to many kids and that can be the way it is for all of them! The grading has been much simpler too! Woohoo!<br />
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I did learn that I am too much of a sap to get through the Friday morning assembly without crying, though! Cute little Kindergarteners (or were they 1st graders?) leading us in the pledge and awards and singing the theme song from "The Golden Girls"... I was crying and wondering if I was going to cry every Friday for the next 6 weeks!<br />
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And at home... well... I have tried to get a load of laundry cleaned each day, but it wasn't enough to keep up with my family at all! Kyle has done dishes a few times this week, and he is presently folding all the laundry we needed to get caught up on!<br />
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The two areas I managed to declutter were my children's closets! I went through all their dresser drawers, hang up clothes, shoes, and old clothes tubs. Then I spent this afternoon sorting out the stained, torn, snagged, etc pieces and divided by season. The pristine articles of clothing will be prepped this week for the huge resale event in Tulsa I have consigned for several years now, Just Between Friends. Just cleaning out their two closets boosted our sell/give away counts big time! Kyle even went through his dresser and started weeding out some of the things he'd like to get rid of, even though he really keeps it all very organized!<br />
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We only have 111 items left to get rid of in our house, but several areas still to go through - and only 15 days left to get them done! The area I didn't get to this week will be priority this next week, since it is much worse than the areas left on the list. I would show a before picture, but I just don't have the guts at this time to show you what my bedroom truly looks like on a regular basis... I'm working on my courage!<br />
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I also am hosting a church staff/elders dinner at our house this coming Friday... so I am super motivated to finish our bedroom so I can put everyone's purses and coats on my bed without feeling nervous they are going to see my cluttered junk... I would love to be able to say, "Go on in and put your things down!" without a rock in my stomach! These ladies coming are domestic masters, and I'm glad I could call them friends before they ever saw how I live!<br />
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Half-time is over - back to work tomorrow, and time to fish out some extra time for continued decluttering!Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-10093442895796942182016-02-06T07:06:00.002-08:002016-02-06T07:17:25.325-08:00Freedom from Junk 2016 Day 5We find ourselves at the end of the first week of our February clean-out all our junk challenge, and it has been very successful! Kyle and I worked together to clean out the first two trouble areas in our house that are always cluttered and junked out, because we are both guilty of junking those places out! We had fun discussing which pile certain things belonged in, whether it be trash or a treasure... and it is amazing how different perspectives can be on that sort of thing! So really it was a relationship-building exercise, because we learned some more about each other's preferences and ideas about what is junk and what is precious.<br />
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The third area was really all my responsibility, because my clothes are a major clutter issue in our bedroom and closet... but mostly the bedroom. See, those stereotypes about how messy men are and how tidy women are... I don't find we are consistent with those ideas. Kyle is usually more tidy than I am, and in the area of our clothes, he wins every time! Now, the funny thing is, I actually put his clothes away for him sometimes and I usually am always the one who folds them for him. He wants things folded or rolled a particular way, and while I think it is silly, I happily oblige him. I mean, how mean would it be if he likes his boxers rolled for me just to throw them into the drawer the way I do my undergarments?! I couldn't care less, but I know he really does care - A LOT!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">These are obviously Kyle's clothes, and this is usually how his closet and drawers look.</td></tr>
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One of our major problems is that we are both perfectionists; if you know a perfectionist, then you are probably confused by how imperfect many things are in his or her life. The reason for this is probably that if a perfectionist knows they don't have time or energy to do something perfectly, then they won't even begin. This becomes problematic in our home since we are both this way. For example, yesterday I put a pile of Kyle's clean laundry on the bed near Kyle's dresser, when he saw it last night we were tired and ready to go to sleep... so he just picked up the pile and dropped it in the floor in front of his dresser. While I was a little annoyed, I also understand. This is also the reason I usually have a pile of hang-up clothes on top of my hope chest. Another problem in our home, specific to putting our laundry away, is that I usually fold laundry during the kids' nap time... I also babysit a little girl a few hours each afternoon, and she sleeps in my bedroom. I have tried to sneak in there before to put things away, and she has woken each time. So usually it just ends up being a pile on top of the dresser or the bed.<br />
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Now, I know these are excuses, not even really good ones. But in the midst of day-in and day-out living, these small excuses become real reasons that some things just don't get put away. And then they pile up, and pile up... until I rifle through it to wear it.<br />
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Kyle and I are both "OCD" (not like the real diagnosed kind though), but about different things. I need colors to match, pictures to hang straight on the wall, and decor to be appropriate to the season we are in. Kyle cares more about things that are in storage, usually. He will go to put something up in the garage and be gone for an hour, because he needs everything to have a correct storage container, and it all has to be packed into the container to maximize the space. To me, if it doesn't show, then shoving is an acceptable method... I KNOW this drives him crazy. Just like it drives me crazy that he disappears anytime he goes to put one thing away.<br />
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Isn't marriage hilarious?! I mean, really. The fact that we still think the other is awesome and attractive after all the little things that bug us, is really a miracle!<br />
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So I knew I needed to go through my clothes sometime this week. Once we de-cluttered the first two problem areas, we realized that getting rid of 500 things was going to be WAY too easy. So a friend commented on Facebook that I should just make the areas the weekly goal. So, 12 areas in 4 weeks = 3 areas per week, right? Yay, I can do simple division!<br />
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So we had already cleaned off our kitchen counter and our entryway closet. To read that post, go to http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2016/02/freedom-from-junk-2016-day-1.html<br />
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Tuesday night we wanted to take the day off since we had done so well on Monday. Then Wednesday is already crazy, because I work in the morning, spend all afternoon baking, and then we go to church. Then Thursday was Bible study night, and Kyle had a meeting that evening out of town anyway. Then I was up sick all night Thursday night, so I spent all morning on Friday sleeping.<br />
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So Friday afternoon, after the little girl I babysit went home, I knew I had to get started on cleaning out my clothes. I had clothes on my dresser, on my hope chest, every dresser drawer was full, and there were a lot of empty hangers on my side of the closet! Ugh...<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgooZY8au2ejgesyUyQntW3XdgMNqdj9UkGH69NKdfZ3vfxqHxaLC91fpvMVQ5WDpdFHjJRQ_MPIwkKi4r80DKV4MJsjmKPyNErhr_ST0CmGIil3jSNnnHuDuQ_2xBgbgazgHkxZv7gORyM/s1600/my+drawers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgooZY8au2ejgesyUyQntW3XdgMNqdj9UkGH69NKdfZ3vfxqHxaLC91fpvMVQ5WDpdFHjJRQ_MPIwkKi4r80DKV4MJsjmKPyNErhr_ST0CmGIil3jSNnnHuDuQ_2xBgbgazgHkxZv7gORyM/s400/my+drawers.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was BEFORE I had put away the huge pile on top of the hope chest or the smaller pile on top of the dresser... and I have more clothes in the laundry downstairs... so it is good I got rid of some of this to make room for what I actually wear! I also don't fold things in my dresser. Shoving is my method!</td></tr>
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It didn't take as long as I thought it would, and by dinner time I had finished throwing out things with holes or snags, put the give away/sell items in that box, and hung or put into the appropriate drawer for all other items I was keeping!<br />
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I'd like to say it will stay this way... but I just know myself. I hate hanging clothes up, and I hate folding things. Maybe it is from working retail at American Eagle all those years in college? I don't know. I do know that it was annoying that we closed at 9, but were often still there at 11pm, folding clothes in certain mandated ways that made the clothes "look alive". I'm not even joking... we had to fold pants in a way that made them look like they were climbing or hiking... sheesh. But the idea of being able to find certain clothing items in a short amount of time because it would be in its place, instead of looking through 3 piles, does sound convenient and calming! Sometimes it just stinks that my mom doesn't live here... because I know she'd yell at me to put it all away! Why doesn't my husband ever yell at me?! What a considerate jerk, hahaha!<br />
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I also bought a scarf organizer! I kind of love scarves, and I didn't realize how many I had collected! I think I should probably buy a second organizer, because this one seems a little crowded!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yeah, the shape of the scarf-organizer is a flower... but I have so many hanging on it, you can't even tell! You can only see a little of the pink flower frame in the upper left "corner" of the organizer... definitely more functional than shoving them in a drawer or just piling them on top of my dresser, but it isn't as pretty as I had hoped!</td></tr>
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So one week and 3 cluttered areas down, 3 weeks and 9 areas to go!<br />
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<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-78619710051213957762016-02-01T19:27:00.002-08:002016-02-01T19:27:48.723-08:00Freedom from Junk 2016 Day 1Today was NOT a bust at all! We actually met our goal of cleaning out the clutter from off our kitchen counter and out of our entryway closet! I learned that I am a paper hoarder. I mean, like there was A LOT of paper in these two areas... I am now very much afraid to see how much more paper I am going to encounter as we clean out other areas on the "trouble area list". I found a check that I had printed by the register at Walmart in August of 2010... just sitting in a bag of papers in the entryway closet. Why?! Why do I keep these things?! I found old shopping lists, a ton of bobby pins, safety pins, ink pens, pocket packets of tissues, at least 25 magazines (several of them still in the plastic wrapping)... perhaps I am saving myself from ending up on the TV show HOARDERS.<br />
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As Kyle and I went through the stuff on the kitchen counter, we sorted the items into either a trash barrel for the trash, a hamper for things that just need to be put away in the right place in our house, and a tub for the give away/sell/return to owner pile (sadly, I am finding quite a few things that don't even belong to us)... I am finding I like myself less and less! I guess that is why on that show they always make the hoarder clean up their own junk, because by the end (or the beginning in my case) you are so disgusted by your own habits that you will never keep random piles of paper ever again!<br />
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So 2 trouble spots are clutter-free with 10 more to go! If you decide to join us on our quest, feel free to post photos or comment about your progress!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So, we are getting rid of 210 items from our home in just the first day! After a while, I started counting every 10 pieces of paper as 1 item, because there was so much! Yikes!</td></tr>
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<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4728152700687260174.post-66557873885397266832016-01-31T17:21:00.000-08:002016-01-31T17:21:11.179-08:00It's That Time of the Month Again... And That Time of the Year!Tomorrow is February 2016 - HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! Wasn't it just New Year's Day?! And wasn't last week Christmas? And wasn't last month Fall Break and Halloween?!<br />
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No???? Oh, well, I am all kinds of messed up with this weather going up and down and all around. I feel like I have been in a weird fog of not knowing what month, day, or time it is for several months now. Am I the only one to feel this way?<br />
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Since it <i><b>is</b></i> the last day of the month, I woke up this morning knowing that I needed to spend some time finishing up the menu for this next month, looking over some of the events we have coming up in February, thinking through what needs to be done in order for those events to run smoothly (or as smooth as possible, right?), etc. But of course all of this indoor brainstorming, calendar studying, and menu/grocery list writing had to fall on a day when the weather was over 60 degrees outside! On the last day of January?! I'm not complaining, just admitting it is confusing and totally random! So, of course, I had to throw our usual daily schedule out the window, because with this crazy weather, it would be my luck that if we didn't play outside, we'd probably get snowed into our home in 3 days and be stuck inside for a month!<br />
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So, instead of putting our toddlers down for naps after lunch today, we played outside all afternoon! We rode the Cozy Coupe down the hill several times, cleaned up the back deck, rode bikes up and down the street, and then the kids and I went for a walk! There is a sort of wilderness down the street from our house, and Emersyn (our 4-year-old daughter) said she wanted to "go on a bear hunt". We went "exploring" down a mowed path in the middle of this wooded field in the center of our neighborhood. Keegan (our 1-year-old son) kept telling us "shh" and pointing to his nose... because that is the signal for being quiet, right? We had a blast!<br />
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But 4pm rolled around, and I knew that the little man needed a nap, and I had to get my "indoor" work done. But it dawned on me as I sat down with the laptop... Hello! This laptop can go outside! Duh, right?! So while the little people slept, I enjoyed my time in my outdoor office, wearing slippers and covering up with my great-grandmother's gaudy, but very warm, homemade quilt, and looking over all my calendars. This month we have work (between my husband and I, we work 2 full-time jobs and 4 part-time jobs), which that alone will kill your calendar with ink right there! Ha! But we also have speech therapy on Fridays, 4 get-togethers, and a wedding (my husband's first to officiate!)! It is a short month, but jam-packed, which is how I like it anyway.<br />
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Something I am not planning to do in February is something my husband and I have done for the past few years, In the past we have done a Financial Fast in the month of February. You can read all about that at http://livingonvicariousgrace.blogspot.com/2014/02/financial-fast-february-failure.html And while I think this is a wonderful thing to do at least once a year, it just won't work for us at this time. We have too many things going on that will require us to spend money this month, and we are already trying to pay off two bills by the end of the school year.<br />
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But I do feel that we need some kind of challenge in February, even if it won't be necessarily a financial one. So I have been reading through a lot of "how-to"s on uncluttering. And I feel this is a HUGE need in our home! Since we live in a home twice the size of our last one, we have gotten soft in the area of being organized and cleaning out the junk from our space periodically - mainly just because we don't have to worry about condensing things down anymore. But sometimes I feel tense and stress just by opening a closet door or drawer, because there is so much random stuff in there!<br />
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So our February 2016 challenge is to rid our home of 500 things by the end of the month! I have seen this done on other blogs and tutorial videos, and I feel inspired to clean out our junk! Others that have done this have made daily goals, and some have organized their challenge by object or room. I decided I would start with a list of problem areas and just clutter that stresses me out in general, and then see where to go from there. I am going to have a weekly goal, so that I can be flexible about when I conquer these problem-areas in my home. I am also having to decide where I am going to put all of these things I am decluttering from my home. It just so happens that one of our garage doors is broken - which is bad for Kyle who has to park outside, but it does provide an open half of our garage to pile these 500 items into. Then I will divide the 500 items into 3 smaller piles - give away, throw away, and sell. Either way, these items must be out of our house and off our property by March 1st... can we do this?! I certainly hope so!<br />
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Let the decluttering begin! Anyone else wanna do this with us? We will be posting a couple of times a week on how this challenge is going, and if you know of anyone who needs some of the stuff we are getting rid of, just let us know!<br />
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Freedom From Junk 2016 Challenge begins tomorrow! <br />
The problem areas I will begin with are:<br />
Kitchen counters (the catch-all space)<br />
Entryway closet<br />
My clothes<br />
Our bedroom (the catch-all room)<br />
My daughter's closet<br />
My son's closet<br />
Living room toys<br />
Playroom toys<br />
4 junk drawers in the kitchen (I know, it is shameful to even admit)<br />
Laundry room (the other catch-all room, and I never clean that room... yikes)<br />
Downstairs desk<br />
Upstairs desk<br />
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I'm starting to think 500 items won't be that difficult after all! Woohoo!<br />
<br />Keishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07504970253624361268noreply@blogger.com1