Saturday, March 29, 2014

"Resting in the Peace that Only Comes in the Waiting"

On this Saturday morning, I woke up feeling quite domestic - meaning I wanted to cook something from scratch...

Now this is rare for me - very rare!  I love to cook, but almost all the meals I make include something from a box, a jar, or a can... or from my freezer because I only grocery shop once a month!

Back to this gourmet breakfast in my head at dawn's first light - first, I googled homemade donut recipes.  I figured that was going to be too difficult.  So then I went to a website where you can put in your ingredients, and they offer recipes you can make based on those!  I chose, and entered all things that might be associated with pastries, cakes, and breakfast floury things.

I chose blueberry muffins!  So I got started putting all the ingredients together, and then put them in the oven.  And then I was sad that I was going to have to wait 30 minutes before I could eat them!

This started me thinking about how much time in life is spent waiting - not for extremely long periods of time, just ya know, 30 minutes here and 20 minutes there.  It kills me!  Especially if it is about food!

But I was extremely humbled thinking about how much of my life I have spent waiting, and yet I am still absolutely horrible at it!  And I am a major hypocrite because I tell my daughter to "Be patient" constantly.  I tell her that being patient means to "practice waiting calmly".  I need to listen to myself more!

If I really sit and think about it, I truly am grateful for the daily periods of having to wait, because it prepares us for the times in life when having to wait can be for extremely long spans of time - days, weeks, months, and yes, even years.  How many things have I had to wait for like this?

I remember all my friends were allowed to shave their legs and wear makeup long before I was.  I remember resenting my mother many times at just the thought of how immature I felt while all my friends seemed like they were women already.  The irony?  When my mother finally did say I could shave my legs and showed me how?  I realized it was a lot of work and time that I didn't want to spend at least once a week doing for the rest of my life, and it was another 6 months before I decided to try again and actually keep up with it.

Although, my husband might insert here that since I became a mom, once a week would be too much of a commitment for me now!  Ha!  Poor guy!

Come to think of it, I was the youngest in my class, so I was always having to wait to do the things all my friends did earlier.  I didn't turn 16 until 2 weeks after my junior year in high school, didn't turn 18 until a week after I started college, and I wasn't married until I was 26.   Most of my high school friends were married long before then, and I was the bridesmaid throwing showers, decorating, and attending wedding rehearsal over and over again... waiting.

And then there have been times when God was very gracious and didn't make me wait for things.  I was hired for my first teaching job before I had even graduated college!  I graduated college and started teaching when I was 21.  I owned my first home the same month I started teaching.  And at the beginning of my second year of teaching, teacher salaries were raised about $3,000 per year, and I was able to buy a newer car all by myself!

And even better, I got pregnant with Emersyn 3 months earlier than I had planned, and I got pregnant the exact month I wanted to with Keegan.

But it is sad how quickly I forget all the lessons I learned while waiting, and I stop recognizing all the mercy God has given me by giving me so many wonderful things immediately!

These past few months have been very good for me in the area of learning, being stretched, and hopefully being changed by my Creator.  We have been trying to sell our home, trying to prepare our lives to become parents of two children, and I have been looking for a part-time job.

And waiting, waiting, waiting...

There are 2 promising jobs that I am waiting to hear back on, and I am thankful at how patient the Lord is helping me be.  I am usually freaking out when I don't know what is coming next.  The planner in me is always at least 6 months ahead of myself.  But right now, all I know about work is that since I am on a temporary contract with Tahlequah Public Schools and the 5th grade classes are being moved back into the elementary schools - as of August 1st I no longer have a teaching job - unless I reapply, reinterview, and get rehired.  And the part-time work is still in the works, so I don't know much there at all.  And I can't really be upset, because it would be ridiculous for me to be freaking out about not getting hired by April for a job that wouldn't start until August.  So, I am thankful that God has allowed me to see that all this looks like an opportunity to rest in Him while I wait on answers.

There have been a few people interested in our house so far.  One said she had it narrowed down between our house and another, and that she would have to think about it.  As a person who rarely "thinks about it", I don't know how long other people take to go through this process.  I guess it is different for everyone.  Me - I looked at this house once and bought it.  I drove my car once, and I bought it.  I knew I was going to marry Kyle within weeks of dating him.  My philosophy on many things in life is to just make a decision and be faithful to change things if God shows me I was wrong (except for marriage, of course, that's permanent, and I'm glad)!

Another guy said he wants to make an offer on our house, which is extremely exciting.  Except, we have to wait and see when and if he is actually going to and what the offer is... again, more waiting.  Call me a cynic, but we had an offer a few years ago, and after several months of not responding to any phone calls, the lady finally let us know that she had lost her job and had to take the offer off the table.  So until I see "SOLD" at the top of the sign, I am going to keep prepping this house for this little boy coming in exactly one month from today.

And then there is a part of me that likes to laugh at how things work out in a way to stretch us and make us realize we don't control our lives at all...

What if this guy makes an offer on Monday, and we have to be moved and close the same week I am getting my stomach cut open and welcoming my little boy into the world...  And since the house we are wanting to buy is a foreclosure, we have been told those take longer to get into... Yay!

So basically, there is a high probability that we will be homeless about the same time we welcome a newborn into the world!

And for a planner, that should freak me out!  The usual Keisha would be losing sleep, crying when she was alone (which is such a rarity that the crying may never happen even if I wanted it to), reworking the monthly budget over and over again just to feel like she has some control over something, and looking for places to rent without a lease.

But for some reason, I found this whole scenario very funny.  I am not afraid.  I am not even nervous.  And really, I'm not even dreading it, because I won't be doing any of the heavy packing or lifting while I am 9 months pregnant or recovering from a C-section!

The only prepping I have done for this possible scenario, is I asked my mom if we were homeless if we could live with her.  She sweetly answered, "You can live with me anytime for however long you want."

Sure, Kyle works an hour away from my parents' house, but he'll/we'll figure it out.  Or I should say, God will figure it out, and we'll follow His lead.

All of this makes me think of a song I heard a LONG time ago.  The instrumentation and vocals are quite outdated, even for Christian music, but the words still resound in my mind as an arrow pointing my heart over and over back to the truth that God is in control, and He is my comfort in the waiting.

The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away

I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me

It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move

I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see

Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been

But then again
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting"

 So, here we are waiting.  And happily so.  Peace like this can only happen during times like these, where we KNOW that we are small but very loved.  We know that we have no control over what others will decide or do, and quite frankly we also realize we would only screw things up if we could control others.  And we know that God is good and knows what is best for us.

When you intimately know the Creator of the universe, do we really have to worry about where we will live, what job we will work, or when all of these things will be revealed to us?!  Of course not!  We are slowly learning the art of resting in His peace while we wait...

That is unless it is waiting on muffins to bake, and then all patience gets thrown out the window!

And I guess I should confess that I ended up burning them because I was blogging!

Guess it's crunchy muffins and overcooked sausage for breakfast!  Bon Appetite!

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