But then I had a pregnancy end. Randomly. For no reason. Without cause. Just ended. And sometimes being Pro-Life, an abortion abolitionist, and a Believer in God, the Creator and Giver of Life, really sucks because I know that the phrase "pregnancy loss" is a cowardly way of avoiding saying exactly what is happening. Since life begins at conception, then any "loss" after that is a death. And death brings mourning. So I mourned. Some days I mourned a lot. Others hardly at all.
And then I found out I was pregnant. Which I wasn't trying to become again. In fact, I was afraid to ever try again. I was afraid that every pregnancy would end in death. I was afraid to get excited. I was afraid to get attached to an idea, to a person, again. But I was excited! And again, I knew someone was living inside of me... it is so hard to not feel joy! So I wrote about it. And even though talking about it in person was much more difficult, writing about it first eased me into talking about it. And celebrating too!
And then people began to say THAT phrase. They typed it on my Facebook posts, blog posts, wrote it in cards, and spoke it out loud in congratulatory conversation. And I hated it. I didn't correct anyone, and I didn't rant about it. I knew they had good intentions. And I wrestled through the "why does this repulse me so?!" And I waited months before I told my husband that every time I heard or read someone call my baby my "Rainbow Baby" that I wanted to scowl at them and lay out all the reasons why that label is ridiculous!
I mean, "Rainbow Baby"... seriously? Who thought of that?! There are several reasons why the phrase just makes my skin crawl or makes me want to roll my eyes. First of all, it sounds SO cheesy! I tend to gag at the thought of trying to make everything butterflies and... well, rainbows. And I guess that phrase makes me feel like the person using it is trying to tell me that everything is alright now. Everything is better. Everything is just peachy. And while life is pretty great and is a wonderful gift, "peachy" isn't how I would describe my feelings on all my emotions have gone through in the past year.
Let me tell you, every once in a while I still weep. It comes from nowhere, gets me from my blind spot, and I feel it all over again. The month of June was the worst... my due date for the baby that I lost. Even though I can feel this new baby moving and kicking while I would cry about the baby I never felt move and never will.
It never fails that every time a certain song comes on the radio, I cry. And I cry because I am still sad about the baby I lost. For a long time, I didn't know why the writer wrote the song, but once I looked it up and was shocked that the song was written after the songwriter had miscarried. The song is "Thy Will Be Done" by Hillary Scott. I'm sure other people hear that song and think of their own sad story. Some people might even hate the song, because they don't like what the song says about God and how He works. But I believe it is Biblical truth, and all my hope depends upon the God of the Bible. So I cry. Every. Time. Every moment I hear the intro, I tell myself that perhaps this time I will be strong enough to sing along (because I am also a big believer in singing in the car) and not cry. But I have yet to make it through without tears. And in that moment, it doesn't matter that a new baby is here, healthy, and growing. I mean, it matters, but my new happiness doesn't mean my old sadness disappears.
Which brings me to another reason I have not been appreciative of this phrase. "Rainbow Baby" doesn't seem to only imply "sunshine and rainbows"... it also seems to say "replacement baby". And it makes me think of one of my favorite books I read as a teenager called "Mr. and Mrs. Bo Jo Jones" about a young mother whose son dies shortly after birth. In the book she talks about how when she finds out her baby has died, she wants to go home and begin a new baby... and perhaps this is how some people react to losing a baby or child... but now that I have had a loss of my own, it seems that would be the last reaction someone would have in the situation. I could be wrong. But I bet in most cases, a mother knows that babies aren't items to be replaced when lost and would feel guilt about wanting to replace them. Each child is unique and uniquely loved... and uniquely missed once he or she is gone. I wasn't just afraid of getting pregnant and becoming hopeful again after losing that pregnancy, I knew that 10 more babies would never make me forget how excited I was that one time and how devastated I was when that excitement ended "too soon".
Except I know that with my loving, all-knowing, and compassionate God there is no such thing as "too soon". That is actually the reason why that same song that makes me mourn, also gives me such comfort. Not all the tears I cry when I hear this song are sad tears. They are healing tears. They are thankful tears.
I know all of that sounds crazy and doesn't seem to make sense when put together. But I know from experience that all of that can be swirling inside your head and heart, and they don't contradict one another. My sadness and my joy and His comfort all swirl together and collide, kind of like in a storm. And it rains. Sometimes it is a light drizzle. Sometimes a flood. Sometimes it washes up junk into spaces that I thought were cleared out. Sometimes it washes all the junk away.
The final reason I hated this phrase "Rainbow Baby" was because it labeled this new child, not based on his or her own personality or merit, but by a previous sibling's death... something this new child had nothing to do with - no cause or control over. This new baby should NOT be loved more or less based upon someone else's story. And I don't ever want this new child to feel like I only love him or her because they distracted me from sadness or "filled the hole in my heart" kind of garbage. I want to make it very clear that "holes in your heart" from losing one do not get filled by gaining another person in your heart. Our capacity to love is quite unlimited in this sense... perhaps this is another way we are made in God's image (although a very flawed and fallen version). You don't run out of room in your heart when you have another child; our hearts exponentially expand. And let me tell you this too, our hearts don't shrink in size to accommodate loss of loved ones either. I want this new baby to know that they have their own special place in my heart that isn't based on or compared to any other love I have for others.
But let me tell you why I no longer despise, hate, gag, etc. when I hear this phrase. One day I was just randomly looking up the definition of this term, because I was so annoyed. But then I stopped in my tracks. It still may not be my favorite, but my heart softened and smiled when I read this:
Urban Dictionary defines a "rainbow baby" as a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
And I am thankful that perhaps that is what all these people using this term have been trying to express to me. And what I am now trying to express to all of you is just this: Rainbow Babies don't erase sadness from previously lost babies. There is no such thing as a replacement to a lost loved one. And no person should be loved, worshipped, hated, judged, or reacted to based on the fact that their presence brought joy after someone else's loss brought sadness... or perhaps even without meaning to, brought up old and sad feelings that were long forgotten. But they should only be loved and reacted to based on their own worth.
But I am also saying that there are still storm clouds. And it still rains some days. But I do not want or need to be pitied, because I have much to be thankful for, much I have learned, and am thankful that I have my Rainbow. We get to see our Rainbow's "beautiful and bright" face in 13 weeks!
Thy Will
Hillary Scott, The Scott Family
I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words:
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good, right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop,
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So, Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Good news You have in store
So, Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
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