"And Ain't I a Human?!"

She was born Isabella, or "Belle" as she was commonly called.  As a slave in America in the late 1700s and early 1800s, she didn't have a last name.  Just Belle.  Her slave master only spoke to her and the other slaves in Dutch so that they wouldn't be able to communicate with the English-speaking world outside his farm.  For Belle was not allowed to be a person with ideas and a will of her own, she was property that needed to be controlled.  Her life was only for the convenience of the one who owned her.  At 13 years of age, she was 6-feet tall and very strong, but still she was beaten with a metal rod when she frustrated her new owner by not understanding this new master's English.  She was not allowed to marry the man she loved, for he was a slave from another farm, and back then when slaves had children they became the free slaves for the mother's master.  Instead she was forced to marry a co-slave from her own farm, because that is what her master chose for her.  She eventually escaped, having to leave several of her own children behind in order to do so, and having to drug her nursing baby to keep her quiet during the dangerous and secretive journey north.

Eventually this illiterate, uneducated former slave became one of the most prominent speakers and leaders of the movement to abolish slavery.  She also became a headliner for women's rights, speaking on the equality of women and rights for suffrage.  She gave herself a new name for this new life, one where she actually could have a life.  She could make her own choices, earn her own money, and speak her own mind.  In one of her most famous speeches, "Ain't I a Woman", the newly named Sojourner Truth spoke about how as a woman she had done the same work and received the same beatings as a male slave.  She spoke about how men treating women like they were fragile or precious also gave justification for men treating women like they were weak and small.  She said she could eat as much as a man, was taller than most men she knew, and never had anyone opening doors or helping her over muddy ditches... and yet, she was a woman.  Her point was clear - people are people.  It should never matter their color or gender or mental capacity... and I would dare say, it also should not matter their age or development... people are people.

And I admire Sojourner Truth for her work.  I admire her boldness, honesty, and compassion for those who were treated less than human.  I admire her for not just being against slavery or oppression of women... she traveled and spoke against them, often as a threatening mob waited for her outside each venue.

All people are people.

**********************************************************************************

I was making dinner. Since we were expecting a guest for dinner, I was clearing off the usual "catch all" materials that can be found on our dining table. Since we usually only use half of the table with just the 4 of us in 2 chairs - my husband, my daughter in her high chair, and myself holding our nursing son on my lap - the other half of the table gets covered mostly in our latest papers - this time, my new insurance application, bills, mail, and newly obtained AHA materials.

We have joined with Abolish Human Abortion, which is a group of people who have decided to step out of the merely typical "I vote Pro-life" mentality to pursue saving babies from murder by giving their parents the Gospel. People who are tired of dancing around the issue and want to give others the truth - the whole truth!  We are done with the timid attempts at persuasion or simply being against abortion.  That isn't enough.  We believe the only true cure for the problem of abortion is Christ and His forgiveness.  His grace.  His sacrificial love.  We even see ourselves giving truth to the church at times, because apathy has seeped in and taken residence in pews and minds of many congregations across the U.S.  The more we read, the more convinced we become. And since we plan on being involved in this group, we have been reading all the materials and watching all their videos and reading their website and blog.

And as I stacked the AHA pamphlets together to relocate them from the dining table, I dropped one that slid out from the middle. When I bent to pick it up, I only grabbed the front cover, and the booklet opened as I brought it closer...

I saw a picture of an aborted baby. A murdered baby. And this baby looked so much like my son, the baby I am nursing while I type this, when he was born, I almost threw up. I quickly closed the booklet without reading how far along this pregnancy was or where this came from. But it was a bloody mess of a child looking right at the camera with all its limbs, facial features - eyes looking straight ahead at the camera. I cried. I got sweaty. My throat got thick with disgust...

And I can't not see it. It is fixed in my mind. I see it while I do dishes, while I change my son's diapers, and when I lay down to sleep.  This baby - a real, living baby was killed. Not that this is news to me. I know that 2 of these precious babies are killed every minute. The government is okay with it. Our culture is okay with it. I am not okay with it. As I tried going to bed last night, I thought of that picture. The baby who had his eyes open when his life was taken. He could hear his mother's voice. He could see light. But he will never breathe again. He will not walk, talk, have friends. All that was stolen from him.

And honestly, my heart hurts for his mother as well.  What lies was she told? What justifications did she have to make in her mind to go through with it? Did she know all of her options? Will she regret it?  Sure, she didn't want this baby, maybe because she is young or busy or scared... but in 10 years statistically she will probably have a family... and will she wonder... will she wonder who this baby was that she chose not to have?

But who am I? Just a wife, a mother, a former school teacher.  What can I do to abolish abortion?!  The question haunts me, because I feel so compelled, driven to DO something... but what?

What have other abolitionists done?  They wrote books, gave speeches, and showed pictures.  They used scripture.  They used morality.  They used newspaper articles.  They used churches.  They had conferences.  They advertised.  They helped in a hands-on way - by helping slaves run away in the middle of the night.  They housed slaves secretly.

So how could I apply lessons learned from previous abolitionists to our modern-day evil of abortion?  I am exploring those ideas.  I am praying.  I am writing.  I am sharing.  I am weeping.  I vote.  I care.  But is it enough?

I could help pregnant women know their options. I could adopt. I could help new moms find shelter, food, and knowledge on how to be a mom.

I could share with them the amazing truth of Christ that was shared with me.

Now, when one of our group's founders gave us these materials, he warned me that some of it had graphic material.  I'm sure someone reading this will be upset that such graphic material is included in anti-abortion information, but it is a pretty graphic process that has been sold to the public as a simple procedure... like having your tonsils out.  If you were reading information about having your tonsils out, I doubt you'd pitch a big fit about them including a picture or diagram of tonsils being removed... but for some reason when there is graphic material of a "simple procedure" such as abortion, all of a sudden people start griping about "guilt trips" and "gore obsession" and "scare tactics".

And at first I was embarrassed at how sick I got seeing the picture of this murdered child.  I kept thinking to myself, 'I bet Sojourner Truth could look at pictures of beaten backs without being such a baby.  All she had to do was look at her own back in a mirror, so I bet she was so much stronger than I am.  I could never be an abolitionist like she was, because I can't even look at a picture without feeling sick."

Then lying in bed last night, I realized something very important for my confidence in this fight.  It dawned on me that I SHOULD feel sick when I see a picture of an aborted baby.  That THAT is WHY people don't want to see them and argue that we shouldn't use them... The blood on our nation's hands isn't something that should only be imagined, because it can be imagined away altogether... It is real, and it is disgusting.  So we should see real pictures of it and be disgusted!

And back in the 1800s, some people honestly didn't know the evils of slavery until they saw pictures of slave children's "tree-root" scars upon their backs from horrible beatings for simple mistakes the master didn't like.

So perhaps those who think abortion is just a simple "scraping out of a lump of cells" will see for themselves it is much worse.  Educating the masses somehow with facts, statistics might help.

Basically an abolitionist is a person who has decided that they will peacefully fight against the evil of their day... in any and every way they can.  So I'm not sure what all I can do, but I am going to do all I can.

And this morning, my indifference to blogging was replaced by a need to share the thinking process I have been going through the past few days.  My blog is not about abolishing abortion; it is about me and my life. But I am for abolishing abortion, so I am warning you now that on occasion my posts will speak to that... the death in abortion and the forgiveness, hope, strength, and life found in Christ.

I will speak against death until it comes for me.

Drowning in Boxes and Overwhelmed by Blessings: Our 3rd Home in One Year

Where do I begin?!  A year ago, I lived in a trailer in a quiet trailerhood over by the hospital.  We moved into that trailer after being married a little over a year during a Christmas break.  I remember painting without any electricity turned on, and the paint was so thick in the January cold that one coat definitely did the trick!!!  All of the rooms were 12 feet wide, but the trailer was 70 feet long.  I got my exercise for sure walking back and forth from what soon became my daughter's nursery in the back of the house (moved there in January and got pregnant in February), to the laundry room in the middle, and then our bedroom all the way in the front, facing the street.  We took many walks on "the loop" that made our little trailerhood, and we stopped often to chat with neighbors... often being able to wave at each other from our kitchen sink windows since they were about 20 feet apart :)


Then we moved, and not just to anywhere, but back into the house we first lived in when we were married.  We lost a second bathroom and about 100 sq. feet moving back into this house... We moved, went on vacation, came home, started back to school (I was a teacher, and my hubby was a recruiter for a university), and got pregnant with our second baby!  That was all within a 2-month span.

Then when our second child was 4-5 weeks old, we started moving into a home that is twice the sq. feet, but only about 3 blocks away!  Now, our son is almost 8 weeks old, and in that time I have been unloading boxes, organizing bedrooms, setting up the kitchen, laundry room, and bathroom.  I have been nursing an infant every 3 hours, and trying to pay attention to my 2 1/2 year old daughter.  I have been going to doctor's appointments, cleaning out my classroom (after 10 years of teaching), and trying to transition myself from a working mom to a stay-at-home mom.  And during this time, I haven't really seen much of my husband because he has been fixing up our old home getting it ready for closing, finishing moving all our stuff, fixing things, roofing the new house, still working full-time (actually, full and a half time because he has a part-time job as well as a college minister), and whatever projects I have needed him to do.  He also has been mowing and hauling off overgrown brush from our fences... all while helping me take pictures as we go!

Since we have moved in we have not had internet this entire time, and as a blogger... that is a little inconvenient!  We didn't have air conditioning for a week and a half.  Our fairly-new garbage disposal was broken because apparently the previous owners liked to put metal down it!  There were leaks in almost every room that had water, except one bathroom!  We had to get a completely new A/C unit and garbage disposal.  We still have a leaky dishwasher, which is supposed to get fixed next week sometime, and we got internet today!!!  Like 2 hours ago!  Woohoo!

And while I know it looks like we go searching for struggle and chaos, we really don't.  I know it looks like we don't like peace or quiet... are you kidding?!  After the last year we have had of craziness, I promise we so cherish those times of sitting on the couch watching a nerdy documentary on Prohibition (no kidding, like a 9-part series) and eating ice cream together seems like a sexy vacation to a remote island!  And for every stresser, there have been multiple moments of grace, blessing, and relief!

Had to grade papers and do parent conferences over the phone while nursing a newborn at home, but I got to miss the last month of school with paid leave, still didn't even use all my paid leave, and got paid for my missed days by short-term disability insurance!

Our new home had a ton of unknown things wrong with it, but since we got buyers' insurance we were only out-of-pocket very little compared to what we would have paid without it!

My husband and I have been working so much and so hard that we actually didn't have the typical post-baby slump in our relationship because we were both very aware we weren't getting to spend a lot of time together, so we fought for the time!  We even stayed home for both Mother's and Father's Day and the annual family reunion so we could catch up on just being us and being a family!

And yes, we moved again, but since uncluttering our previous home for showings, when we moved, we rediscovered a bunch of stuff we can be, and had been, living without... so now we get to sell it and make some money!

See, blessed.

Sure, I am sick of seeing cardboard boxes in every room, and we still have yet to be able to park a car in our new 2-car garage, but we are settling in and enjoying making this house our home!  And starting this weekend, we hope to start making it a home where people are always welcome, ministry happens, and our children grow in their knowledge of our good and loving Lord!  A wise, and what I would consider to be very wealthy, woman recently said to me about her own home that "If I don't use it to bless others, then why have it?"  I want that kind of attitude about everything I ever own... especially since anything we ever own belongs to the Lord.

I am only a steward. A happy steward!

Getting It All Done, Because ALL Isn't Defined By Me or You

Isn't mom guilt the worst?! I am pretty laid-back most of the time in parenting - but every so often I run into the version of me that wants to be like the vision of another mom, and I find myself not measuring up. And then I feel bad and am tempted to hate myself!
I follow mostly money-saving blogs written by moms I don't know and then only 2 others that are written by friends, one is a pregnant first-time mom, and the other is in the exact spot I am in in motherhood... Well, almost... She has been a stay-at-home mom since her first was born, while I am just starting my SHM (is that the right acronym?) journey with my toddler diva daughter and newborn son. So I read a lot of tips, dreams, plans, and reflections of other moms often! I read a lot while I nurse my son every day, so I am pretty well-read online!
The money-saving blogs mostly give tips on how to save money by spending your time - you know, like clipping coupons, shopping around for better deals, cooking from scratch, homemade gifts, DIY stuff, etc!
And each time I read a post, I can feel the guilt rising in me! My thoughts always go in this order in response to their tips and projects:
1) 'How smart! I'll have to try that!'
2) 'But... When will I have two hands to do that?
3) 'It takes me three times longer to do anything when I have half the hands as other people' (I know that math doesn't seem accurate, but it is! If you don't believe me, come spend a day with my almost 6-week old and my toddler).
4) 'Why does it take me so long? Something must be wrong with me!'
5) 'Maybe I could get up earlier in the mornings...'
6) 'Are you kidding me?! I am already getting up 1-3 times a night to nurse Keegan! I would be a zombie if I got up early as well!'
7) 'If this kid would just sleep through the night, I could get up earlier and get something accomplished!'
8) 'This kid is never going to sleep through the night!'
9) 'Why doesn't he sleep longer? He weighs the same his sister did when she slept all night! Am I doing something wrong?'
10) 'Keisha (yes, I am talking to myself), don't compare your children. That isn't good for anybody!'
11) 'I know, I'm sorry! See, I never get anything done but things I shouldn't do!'
You get the idea! It is a slow process that quickly turns into a downward spiral of thinking I do nothing right and never will!
But thankfully my usual laid-back self comes in with some reason -
'Keisha, Keegan is not even 6 weeks old yet! And you had major surgery to get him here! And everyone you've talked to said their son ate at night until about 4 months old! This is normal! Several people have told you they didn't get anything done with a newborn in the house either! Even your midwife said that you would need to let the toddler watch a lot of tv so you could feel like you can get some of life done while recovering, nursing, and figuring having 2 kids out - and you don't even let her watch that much tv in order to get by!'
Then I remember that we also just moved homes only 5 weeks after having a baby, and I congratulate myself for already having my living room, playroom, kitchen, and main bathroom unpacked and organized completely after only being here 4 days! I also have both kids' rooms and ours mostly unpacked and organized! I also remind myself that I painted the rooms (with help) before we even moved in with a 4-week old!
I remind myself that I won't always be spending 20 minutes to look for a pair of pants because I had to check all the boxes and bags for them! I won't always be tired because I was up 3 times last night with a crying infant! I won't always only have one hand available while the other hand holds a baby, burps, pats, cleans noses, dresses little bodies, fixes big curly hair, and picks up a million tiny toys!
It only FEELS like it will be forever!
Then I remember how much I felt like this with one child when Emersyn was born! And I realize how independent and capable she is now - at 2 1/2 years old she is potty-trained, can feed herself, can drink from an open cup, can put on her own slip-on shoes, can speak in full sentences (even if I am the only one who understands them), can work the phone and DVD player on her own, knows words to songs, can count in order to 12, knows all her colors, etc...
And it seems like yesterday I was crying on the couch while she had colicky screaming fits, and I tried everything, but nothing worked to calm her... That wasn't 5 minutes ago?! That was 2 1/2 years ago!
So I need to kill the mom guilt before it even begins! Why do I even feel the need to measure up to these other women?! Just because they have 5 kids under 6, or save $100 on groceries from their all-around town couponing and multiple-stores tour?! That "if they can do it, I should be able to as well" thing?!
Ha!
I am only me. I am only in my situation. Comparing myself to other moms only makes me less of the mom I already am, just as me, because it makes me tense, depressed, and self-centered!
No, I am not getting done as much each day as I keep hoping I will, but as my daughter says so often "babies grow up". Someday Emersyn and Keegan (and whoever else may join our clan someday) will read, ride bikes, wash dishes (well they better), drive, graduate, and then only visit every once in a while...
And I am going to wish I hadn't spent all my time rocking my sweet baby boy with thoughts like 'When am I going to be able to put him down so I can do another load of laundry?'
God made me a mom to these kids, and it will only be a short time where they depend SO MUCH on me. Who am I to wish they depended upon me less?! God designed humans to start out this needy; who am I to question and complain about His design?!
I should spend my time thinking about how dependent I am upon the Lord, and that His desire is for me to need Him! Perhaps that is why he made babies the way they are - to remind the adults that we are to come to Him "like children". We are helpless spiritually without Him.
Oh how I want to treasure these times, and merely just laugh at myself when I am tempted to think 'I got nothing done today!'
Um, hello! I got to be a mom today! I got to smooch on, hug, read to, sing to/with, play with, feed, clothe, calm and comfort, and protect 2 beautiful children that God gave me!
I got a lot done today! Maybe I got it all done today, because God had a different to-do list than I did.
And His is always the best - much better than any money-saving moms typing their worldly wisdom for me to read.
At the end of the day, if my kids are healthy and loved, and I have tried to point them to Christ with my words and actions... Then the only thought I should have as my head hits the pillow (yes, however many times that is for however short of a time it is) is...
'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!'

Home At Last - Now Where Are My Pants?!

Ah, it is nap time as I begin typing this! Not for me, of course, but I am enjoying the first mid-day movie I have watched in a long time while Emersyn and Keegan sleep! My feet and back are killing me, and since our air conditioner isn't working I am sweating! My feet and back hurt because of all the moving we have done in the past 3 days - pack it all in a box, move each box, and then unpack all the boxes!

Except not all things are in a box; some are in large black trash bags that are unlabeled! So when I woke up with my plan today to measure all the windows and buy curtain rods while running errands today, that meant I had to have the missing tape measure! It is bright yellow, and no where to be found! And then it was time to get dressed to run the other errands I had to, throwing the curtain rod idea out the window! Then the problem is that I had a baby less than 5 weeks ago, so only one pair of pants fit that aren't sweats or dress slacks! I try not to go out in public in sweats, especially in June when I am already sweating, and I was not about to go to the bank, buy produce, and pay bills in dress slacks!

After 20 minutes, I called my husband and asked him if he knew where the bag was that had my jeans in it... He said no. So by this time, I was at least 30 minutes past "schedule" to leave to run errands! I finally found my jeans in a bag marked "pillows" - in my own handwriting ;/ Oops!

Besides running errands, I also wanted to unpack all of the living room and kitchen today. I had finished the playroom last night, and had started on the living room. Today the living room is pretty much done, and the kitchen is at least halfway... But I lost all motivation when I realized that I could put my feet up and rest my back on the heating pad! I mean, if it was MY goal, but I am miserable, why not rest? My kids don't care if the kitchen boxes are all unpacked as long as they get fed! And I know my sweet hubby would think I was ridiculous if I didn't take a break when ever I needed! My chosen therapy today is the new "Jane Eyre" film, which is my least favorite of the 3 versions I own... But still a classic story that is soothing to the soul!



I am embarrassed, though,  that we went from having less than 900 sq. ft to 1900 sq. ft, and except for an extra couch, all our stuff we owned already fills this new house - how can that be?! We must be very good at packing and storing a bunch of STUFF; how did all of this fit in less than half the space we have now?!

In other news, I also got poop shot out at me mid-diaper change! Keegan had a full diaper already, so I went to change it, and apparently he had a lot more to go! I wish he could have said, "Hey, mom, can you just give me one more minute!" But he felt better, and it all cleans up easily :)

Then the air conditioning guys came and gave us the bad news that we need a new compressor, which will take about a week to get installed... Oh dear! We're living it up retro our first week here! I was concerned that our utility bill will be incredibly more expensive now that we have twice as much house, but this first week will definitely be an economical one! Also, my husband had always had an abnormal amount of box fans, which I have always judged him for until now! I am thankful that his preparedness for every eventuality is keeping me and our babies cool day and night! Also our dear friends brought us a window unit for the upstairs, so we were all comfortable sleeping last night!

I also got to be home with my kiddos all day, and I melted, not from the heat, but the sweetness of watching Emersyn be a big sister! She is very concerned about Keegan when he cries, she asks to hold him, puts his pacifier in his mouth when he spits it out on accident, and has to kiss him before she goes to bed.

Then we went  to dinner at our friends' house and had a great time! They said they had considered eating outside on the deck, but then thought that might be cruel since our AC is out :)

Want to know what the "Stay-at-home Mom 10-minute Freakout Moment" was today (see last post for this seemingly daily occurence)? It was the.moment when I was nursing Keegan on the couch, and the AC guys knocked on the door... At the same moment Keegan spit a mouthful of milk all down my shirt and pants - just in time to answer the door! Keegan-2, Mom-0

I have sat down 3 times to compile this post - finishing up at 9:50pm!

An Update on the Many Happenings in Our Simple Slice of Life

As I sit at my kitchen table, typing this blog post, my 15-day-old son is sleeping in his Boppy pillow on the couch, and my daughter is at the babysitter's house.  My husband is 3 1/2 hours away awarding high school seniors with scholarships at an assembly.

I am alone.  All is quiet.

So I figured I couldn't waste the opportunity to sit down and update my readers (whoever you are - I see how many people read this blog and where those views come from, but I'm not quite sure WHO you are) on what is going on with the Murrays.


HAHAHA!  I wrote those first 3 paragraphs 16 days ago, because as soon as I typed it, the baby started screaming.  Such is my life now, right?!

And I am loving it... I mean, sometimes I'm really NOT loving it.  But I love my babies, and I love being able to be home with them...

Except for the 10 minutes a day... usually only 10 minutes, but sometimes longer, but definitely at least once a day... where life breaks out into mass chaos!

For example, my first day home with both kiddos, Keegan got hungry earlier than normal, right in the middle of me trying to get Emersyn her lunch made.  So, I am nursing Keegan, which means one of my arms is completely full, when the microwave beeps.  I realized that I needed to somehow take the macaroni out of the microwave, drain it, and pour milk in it with only one hand!  I contemplated it for like 2 seconds and realized how dangerous it was!  So I had to put the baby down, which means he started to scream, and then Emersyn started repeating "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..."  And even though I answered her each time, she never told me what she was going to say.

And then 10 minutes later, Emersyn was eating macaroni and cheese, Keegan was nursing, and I was enjoying the recliner.  See, it was just for a little while.  And the rest of the day was pretty fine.

So life has not only been crazy, but also crazy BUSY!!!

We closed on our new house - yes, the one we wanted so much!!!  It needed a new roof, the ceiling in the master bedroom needed fixed, the carpet needed to be replaced in that room too, Keegan's room needed to be painted because it was the most blinding blue, and I hated the yellow in the kitchen.  And then of course as we started on those projects, we discovered more fun projects, like a bathtub leak into the bottom floor, weird wiring in certain places, a leak that still hasn't been looked at by a plumber, a garage door that stopped working, and kids' writing on the walls in a room I hadn't planned on painting.

And then there is the normal packing up our current home...

And then since my school district is sending all the 5th grade classes to the elementary schools, we had to pack up everything in our classes... and then my husband and I decided that I am going to stay home with our kids for a while, so I had to bring all of my personal items home from my classroom.  It filled his truck and a few things went in my car... so we are going to have to have a garage sale!  There is no way I am storing all of that for however many years I stay home with our kids!

We also made a decision on what part-time job I am going to take.  It is funny how life comes full-circle many times!  I met my best friend, Jessica, in 2003, while we were in college.  And then we were roommates for 5 years after I graduated in the house I currently live in.  Then we married really good friends that went to high school together.  Then we were neighbors for 2 years.  And now, I am going to be babysitting her daughter 3 days a week at our new house!  How awesome is that?!  We always said we wanted our kids to play together and be friends before either of us were even dating anyone, and now we are married to close friends and our kids are going to be playing together on a weekly basis!

Today I am going to officially check out with my principal and turn in all my paperwork!  We are finishing all our little projects, like painting and cleaning and packing.  Then we are moving this weekend!

Life has been super crazy busy, almost overwhelming lately.  But when it is all over, and we are finally settled, I know we'll remember just how simple good life really is.  Faith, family, friends, and just taking care of each other in big and small ways.  Loving and living day to day.  I guess some might say it is boring, but believe me, it isn't!  We love our busy, yet simple life!  We are blessed to be the stewards of these two children, this new home, these jobs, and each other!

We truly are blessed beyond measure, and I thank God from whom all blessings flow!

just chilling at home

reading to little brother

so excited to go skating for the first time!

The "SOLD" sign went up at the new house first, and I was nervous because it hadn't gone up at our current house yet.  And then about a week later, a big yellow "SOLD" was in our front lawn!  I ran out to the street to take a picture immediately!

Out for a stroll

contentment

my empty classroom - the 3rd room I have cleaned out... and my last for a while

I'm a month old!!!

slipping and sliding in our new backyard!

grilling our first meal with just the 4 of us at our new home

My First Epic Fail as a Mother of My Son and My Heroic Hunter Husband!

Our second night home began with hope that the night from before had only been a fluke.  My mom and Kyle hadn't got much sleep, and I maybe got 2 hours total!  Our thinking that was perhaps since Keegan had had his circumcision the same day we came home, that perhaps that was why he had slept and not been interesting in eating all day.  But around 11pm, he WOKE UP, and not just awake, but ravenous and angry.  I was completely dumbfounded as to where this baby came from that all the days before in the hospital had slept, eaten, been awake for about half an hour, and then slept more... then repeat.  Each time I thought I got him asleep, he would wake up hungry once again.

Our first full day home was miserable, because I was running on fumes!  I told mom that I had even started seeing things around 3am.  I told her that as I nursed Keegan in the recliner, I saw a small paw reach over the side of the arm of the recliner.  It made me jump, of course, and I was scared that perhaps there was a creature of some kind under my chair.  And there I sat by myself in the dark with a vulnerable newborn on my lap!  In fact, when Keegan was done nursing, I just held him and tried to go to sleep holding him on my lap in the boppy pillow, because I was scared to death of what animal was sitting under my chair!

We may have another very expressive child in the family!

So, as night two at home began, I had hopes that Keegan was just as exhausted as I was.  Unfortunately, I was in a lot of pain in my belly, but he needed to nurse again.  So I put a heating pad on my incision, covered up with a fleece blanket and a boppy pillow, and then laid him over the boppy to nurse.  Unfortunately, I dozed off while he nursed.  I don't know how long I was asleep, but I woke up sweating and feeling sick to my stomach.  Keegan was very hot and deep in sleep.  I stripped him down to cool him off, and he slept through it all!  Usually he screams when we change his diaper or clothes.  I was worried that perhaps the heat would hurt him, and I think that is the reason he woke up an hour later, angry and ravenous.  He started to nurse over and over and over, all night.  I worried that two nights in a row of this might be the beginning of our miserable lives.  It is so strange to love someone so much, but to want to walk away from him because he is so needy.

After nursing at least every 2 hours most of the night, Keegan vomited everywhere!  It was like curdled milk, which made me cry because I knew I had made him sick from the heating pad!  I even felt sick to my stomach at how hot I had allowed myself to get!

But after throwing up, he seemed more calm.  He did cool down as well.  So we all went to sleep, hoping that was the end of the nightmare...

When it was time to feed him again, I came into the living room, started to nurse, and then I heard a very creepy sound!  There were some gift bags beside the recliner that people had brought by the hospital, and even though I had opened them at the hospital, I hadn't organized the gifts at home yet.  One of the bags started moving - or more specifically, the things inside the bag started moving!

Now, remember the paw that had come over the side of my recliner the night before?!  I tried to tell myself that I was just seeing things again.  It was all just a lack of sleep.  But it kept happening.

Before I tell you the rest of the story, I must explain to you how incredibly afraid of mice I am!  When I was first living on my own after college and saw a mouse in my house, I immediately went around the entire house stacking anything and everything on top of major pieces of furniture.  Then I sat on top of one of the piles for hours, paralyzed with fear about what to do.  I am so afraid of mice, I can't even set a trap.  I know that is even dumber, but it is true.  Mouse traps' presence alone is all I need for my imagination to run wild about where mice are and  how many and what they will do.

Thankfully, I married someone who isn't scared by mice in the slightest!  He'll set traps and empty dead mice into an area I am ignorant of all day if he has to, and it doesn't bother him a bit!  This is a God-send in my life for sure!  We have only had a few mice since we were married, and each time he has handled it with ease.

So, since I was stuck in the chair next to what I was sure was a mouse-infested bag right next to my chair, I texted Kyle to come to the living room.  At this point, it is 2 or 3 in the morning, and he had his phone on silent and "Do not disturb"!  So I started to cry and tell Keegan that we were going to have to be brave and run and get Daddy.  I sat there a few minutes, waiting for the courage to get up and walk down the hall to our bedroom...  I knew I couldn't run with a newborn in my arms in the pitch black, but I was scared to go any slower!

So I took a deep breath and got up!  I went as fast as I could while chanting out loud, "Just get there, just get there."

So, I woke my poor husband up and told him.  He came in the living room, took the bag outside on the porch and started to take everything out of it.  I was amazed, as I stood behind the screen door watching, how he took each item and shook it thoroughly.  With each item, I would cringe, waiting for the thing to jump out at Kyle and run.

But it wasn't in the bag.

Then I became even more horrified.  If it wasn't still in that bag, that meant it was in the house - anywhere in the house.

I reluctantly went back to the recliner to finish nursing Keegan while Kyle started going through things to make sure there wasn't any food from our hospital snacks in the bags.

And then, it happened.  Even just typing it makes my hair stand up on my arms and neck!  The mouse popped up out of another gift bag and sat, perched on the edge of the bag AND LOOKED RIGHT AT ME!  We made eye-contact, and I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT!  Thankfully, Kyle was still in the room, so I didn't have to go get him this time.  Again, he came over and shook things, opened things, and the mouse was no where to be found.  At this point, I was worried that Kyle was going to think I had lost my mind!  Three times I had seen something in the middle of the night, and all three times no one else found or saw anything.

Kyle started setting traps over by the wall next to my recliner and the gift bags.  I took the baby to our room to put him down to sleep.  He looked so small, sweet, and innocent sleeping in his bed... I didn't know if I could let him sleep alone, but Kyle and I have a strict no co-sleeping policy.  But, of course, as a mother, I also have a "don't let my child be chewed on my animals" policy.

Kyle came in, and we both laid down in bed, while Keegan was across the room in his bed.  I knew he would be fine, but again, my brain would not let me rest in what I knew to be true.  I got the courage to ask Kyle the question that I knew the answer to, but I needed someone calm and strong to reassure me of that answer...

"Is he going to be okay?"  and as I said the words out loud, I burst into tears.  Like sobs.  Like my body is shaking as I cry huge tears that keep interrupting what I am trying to say, "I - am - just - so - scared - the - mouse - will - get - in - his - bed".

Kyle was so loving and patient with my insanity.  He just held me and said over and over, "He's going to alright.  The mouse has no interest in the baby or his bed.  It is going to be okay."  He held me until I calmed down, and then he kissed me and rolled over to go to sleep.

I laid there in the dark, more calm and sure that everything was going to be okay.  But I kept praying that I would hear a trap go off.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.

Finally, about an hour later, I heard the loud snap of a mouse-trap I had been waiting for!  And it is amazing how quickly I fell asleep after that!

Everyone was fed, asleep, and now safe.

The next time Keegan woke up to eat, I told Kyle that the trap had gone off.  He came in the living room before me and emptied it.  Then he went back to bed.

I was on cloud 9 then!  I didn't care that I had hardly slept in 2 days!  My baby was safe again!

Of course, then I had to track in my mind how a mouse got into our house in the first place!  I figured it must have come in with all the boxes we had brought in from our outside shed a day or two before the hospital, looking for all our baby things we had kept from when Emersyn was a baby.  I was relieved to realize that it got in from carrying in outside storage, and now it was dead!

Take that, mouse

Welcome to the Light, Keegan Russell!

Why do people always look so puffy when they get up before 6am?!

We headed for the hospital at 4:45 am on Tuesday, April 29th. We filled out paperwork, took our bags into our assigned room, and I started getting hooked up to IVs and everything else. They came and got me to take me to the O.R. to prep for surgery. Kyle was taken to another area to get into his scrubs, and I instantly felt his absence. I was shaking because it was so cold in the room, and all I had on was that paper gown that ties in the most stupid places. Two nurses stood on either sides of me with warm blankets and tried to hold me still while the anesthesiologist started my spinal block.  We had discussed the issues I had with the spinal block with my first child, and she did a great job making sure those same issues did not occur. But this one seemed to take longer, and the "rub" under my skin of the numbing medicine being shot into my back made my whole backside and hips and legs have a sickening warming sensation.

I will say that having a c-section last-minute is more desirable than having one planned ahead, because I knew more. I knew this time what could go wrong, and they kept over-informing me about what they were doing and what might go wrong. Since I had been through this before with the same doctor, I figured it would be like riding a bike - familiar. But everything seemed new and strange. I became fearful that I was going to die on the table without being able to tell my husband goodbye. I cried quietly from my fears, the freezing temperature of the room, and how sickening my body felt with this manufactured warming sensation running through my limp and numb limbs. I started to fear that I was only warm, not numb, and that I may feel the first cut.

Which I also was critiquing myself for, because I knew that was ridiculous... but it felt so real!

And then Kyle came in, and I was so relieved to see him! I didn't tell him any of my thoughts or feelings, but began to rest. And then I became too tired and groggy, and even though I couldn't keep my eyes open or talk much, I was very aware that I had been more alert during my first c-section. Again, I was worried that I was fading, dying, but left completely unable to tell everyone.

My hero :)

Last time, I had only felt people pushing on my stomach, and I assumed they were looking for the best place to make the incision... But as they were "looking", I heard Emersyn cry! I realized I had been more numb than I knew. But this time, it seemed everyone was talking too much. Again, they were giving me a play-by-play. So as I "felt" what they were doing, they described it. They told me that they saw the baby before they pulled and tugged him out. And from the way they were tugging and pushing, it seemed much harder and longer than with they had with Emersyn. I began to expect to hear that this baby boy was ginormous! I remembered that my midwife had said with my first pregnancy that there was "baby everywhere", and that they had had to tug her out of all the places she had taken up residence. And the over-the-top tugging this time pointed to another, perhaps even a larger child.

Kyle says that it was much worse with Emersyn from the look of things... I still disagree from the feel of things!

"In Italian, the literal translation of "to give birth" — "dare alla luce" — is: "to give to the light"

 

And then they brought him to us, and they offered to put him on my chest near my face, which I wasn't allowed to do with Emersyn!  It was so amazing to get to "hold" him so soon, even though my arms were still strapped down.  Then they said he only weighed 8 lbs!  8 pounds?!  I couldn't believe it!  Babies just don't come that small in my family!  The doctor joked that you know big babies run in our family "if an 8-pounder was the runt of the family".  Our son was just as long as his older sister, though, and we realized just how long and skinny he was.

There are definite pros to having a smaller baby - 1)I only gained 30 pounds, well 31, this pregnancy.  And at least 1/3 of that was lost at delivery! With Emersyn, I had gained 60!  2)He weighs so little, so holding him and nursing him wasn't as taxing on me as I was sporting a long horizontal line of staples. 3) He will definitely get to wear all of his clothes and diapers we bought.  With Emersyn, she skipped all the NewBorn stuff, because she was so big, and 4)  He definitely is easier to get to eat!  Emersyn was so big that she was never hungry!  It would take us an hour to wake her up to feed her for 20 minutes!  Not this little guy!  He lets us know he is hungry and ready!

But that is also part of the cons to having a smaller baby - 1)He wanted to eat a lot at first when we got home!  All of the time!  As if someone told him there is an eating competition going on - I sure hope it is true, because Keegan and I would win 1st place!!!  2)Even his NewBorn sized things are too big :(  He looks a little silly!  The jeans I had taken  for his "going home" outfit were as big as he was from head to toe... Thankfully the hospital is 6 minutes from our house!  3)  He also looks like an old man, which is pretty cute!  But I am used to rolly-polly babies!  We had to dig for Emersyn's neck; Keegan's is scrawny and visible immediately :)

"Keegan gave" Emersyn a big sister present of dress-up clothes! We had a different princess in our hospital room each day :)

Something I am very thankful for this second time around, though, is knowing more and being scared less - about motherhood anyway.  When we came home with Emersyn, I looked around our 900 square-ft trailer and started to cry at how small she looked in such a big place where no doctor or nurse would be checking in on us... I just knew she was going to die in this "HUGE" place!  Walking in with Keegan was like coming home from any other length spent away from home where you come home with more bags than you left with.  I didn't feel scared or nervous about him being here, and I don't think it was because we only have a little over 800 sq. ft. here.  I have learned about God's provision and protection of our kids.  There have been so many times Emersyn should have been injured and walked away from an incident completely fine, and when that happens multiple times a day or week, you learn that God is always with my kids because I know I can't always be with them!

And on our first night home, as I laid down next to Kyle to collapse to sleep, I said, "What an amazing feeling to know that the last time I laid in our bed, I had a lingering fear in the back of my mind that perhaps I wouldn't live and be able to come home.  I am thankful that God brought me home."

Snuggling with Daddy!

 Keegan had easily slept and ate on a regular schedule while we were in the hospital, but the day we came home was the same day as his circumcision.  Our only guess is that he was exhausted or groggy from his circumcision, because he slept so hard all day... and then our first night home he was AWAKE and wanted to eat every 2 hours!  I slept for maybe 2 hours altogether that night.  And I was afraid that the rest of my life was going to be this sleep-deprived!

The next night was exactly the same... Which is why I am only now posting this blog 8 days after he was born, but I started writing it our second night at home!

A family of 4!

That second night home is a crazy story all on its own, so I'm saving it for the next post!