An Update on the Many Happenings in Our Simple Slice of Life

As I sit at my kitchen table, typing this blog post, my 15-day-old son is sleeping in his Boppy pillow on the couch, and my daughter is at the babysitter's house.  My husband is 3 1/2 hours away awarding high school seniors with scholarships at an assembly.

I am alone.  All is quiet.

So I figured I couldn't waste the opportunity to sit down and update my readers (whoever you are - I see how many people read this blog and where those views come from, but I'm not quite sure WHO you are) on what is going on with the Murrays.


HAHAHA!  I wrote those first 3 paragraphs 16 days ago, because as soon as I typed it, the baby started screaming.  Such is my life now, right?!

And I am loving it... I mean, sometimes I'm really NOT loving it.  But I love my babies, and I love being able to be home with them...

Except for the 10 minutes a day... usually only 10 minutes, but sometimes longer, but definitely at least once a day... where life breaks out into mass chaos!

For example, my first day home with both kiddos, Keegan got hungry earlier than normal, right in the middle of me trying to get Emersyn her lunch made.  So, I am nursing Keegan, which means one of my arms is completely full, when the microwave beeps.  I realized that I needed to somehow take the macaroni out of the microwave, drain it, and pour milk in it with only one hand!  I contemplated it for like 2 seconds and realized how dangerous it was!  So I had to put the baby down, which means he started to scream, and then Emersyn started repeating "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..."  And even though I answered her each time, she never told me what she was going to say.

And then 10 minutes later, Emersyn was eating macaroni and cheese, Keegan was nursing, and I was enjoying the recliner.  See, it was just for a little while.  And the rest of the day was pretty fine.

So life has not only been crazy, but also crazy BUSY!!!

We closed on our new house - yes, the one we wanted so much!!!  It needed a new roof, the ceiling in the master bedroom needed fixed, the carpet needed to be replaced in that room too, Keegan's room needed to be painted because it was the most blinding blue, and I hated the yellow in the kitchen.  And then of course as we started on those projects, we discovered more fun projects, like a bathtub leak into the bottom floor, weird wiring in certain places, a leak that still hasn't been looked at by a plumber, a garage door that stopped working, and kids' writing on the walls in a room I hadn't planned on painting.

And then there is the normal packing up our current home...

And then since my school district is sending all the 5th grade classes to the elementary schools, we had to pack up everything in our classes... and then my husband and I decided that I am going to stay home with our kids for a while, so I had to bring all of my personal items home from my classroom.  It filled his truck and a few things went in my car... so we are going to have to have a garage sale!  There is no way I am storing all of that for however many years I stay home with our kids!

We also made a decision on what part-time job I am going to take.  It is funny how life comes full-circle many times!  I met my best friend, Jessica, in 2003, while we were in college.  And then we were roommates for 5 years after I graduated in the house I currently live in.  Then we married really good friends that went to high school together.  Then we were neighbors for 2 years.  And now, I am going to be babysitting her daughter 3 days a week at our new house!  How awesome is that?!  We always said we wanted our kids to play together and be friends before either of us were even dating anyone, and now we are married to close friends and our kids are going to be playing together on a weekly basis!

Today I am going to officially check out with my principal and turn in all my paperwork!  We are finishing all our little projects, like painting and cleaning and packing.  Then we are moving this weekend!

Life has been super crazy busy, almost overwhelming lately.  But when it is all over, and we are finally settled, I know we'll remember just how simple good life really is.  Faith, family, friends, and just taking care of each other in big and small ways.  Loving and living day to day.  I guess some might say it is boring, but believe me, it isn't!  We love our busy, yet simple life!  We are blessed to be the stewards of these two children, this new home, these jobs, and each other!

We truly are blessed beyond measure, and I thank God from whom all blessings flow!

just chilling at home

reading to little brother

so excited to go skating for the first time!

The "SOLD" sign went up at the new house first, and I was nervous because it hadn't gone up at our current house yet.  And then about a week later, a big yellow "SOLD" was in our front lawn!  I ran out to the street to take a picture immediately!

Out for a stroll

contentment

my empty classroom - the 3rd room I have cleaned out... and my last for a while

I'm a month old!!!

slipping and sliding in our new backyard!

grilling our first meal with just the 4 of us at our new home

My First Epic Fail as a Mother of My Son and My Heroic Hunter Husband!

Our second night home began with hope that the night from before had only been a fluke.  My mom and Kyle hadn't got much sleep, and I maybe got 2 hours total!  Our thinking that was perhaps since Keegan had had his circumcision the same day we came home, that perhaps that was why he had slept and not been interesting in eating all day.  But around 11pm, he WOKE UP, and not just awake, but ravenous and angry.  I was completely dumbfounded as to where this baby came from that all the days before in the hospital had slept, eaten, been awake for about half an hour, and then slept more... then repeat.  Each time I thought I got him asleep, he would wake up hungry once again.

Our first full day home was miserable, because I was running on fumes!  I told mom that I had even started seeing things around 3am.  I told her that as I nursed Keegan in the recliner, I saw a small paw reach over the side of the arm of the recliner.  It made me jump, of course, and I was scared that perhaps there was a creature of some kind under my chair.  And there I sat by myself in the dark with a vulnerable newborn on my lap!  In fact, when Keegan was done nursing, I just held him and tried to go to sleep holding him on my lap in the boppy pillow, because I was scared to death of what animal was sitting under my chair!

We may have another very expressive child in the family!

So, as night two at home began, I had hopes that Keegan was just as exhausted as I was.  Unfortunately, I was in a lot of pain in my belly, but he needed to nurse again.  So I put a heating pad on my incision, covered up with a fleece blanket and a boppy pillow, and then laid him over the boppy to nurse.  Unfortunately, I dozed off while he nursed.  I don't know how long I was asleep, but I woke up sweating and feeling sick to my stomach.  Keegan was very hot and deep in sleep.  I stripped him down to cool him off, and he slept through it all!  Usually he screams when we change his diaper or clothes.  I was worried that perhaps the heat would hurt him, and I think that is the reason he woke up an hour later, angry and ravenous.  He started to nurse over and over and over, all night.  I worried that two nights in a row of this might be the beginning of our miserable lives.  It is so strange to love someone so much, but to want to walk away from him because he is so needy.

After nursing at least every 2 hours most of the night, Keegan vomited everywhere!  It was like curdled milk, which made me cry because I knew I had made him sick from the heating pad!  I even felt sick to my stomach at how hot I had allowed myself to get!

But after throwing up, he seemed more calm.  He did cool down as well.  So we all went to sleep, hoping that was the end of the nightmare...

When it was time to feed him again, I came into the living room, started to nurse, and then I heard a very creepy sound!  There were some gift bags beside the recliner that people had brought by the hospital, and even though I had opened them at the hospital, I hadn't organized the gifts at home yet.  One of the bags started moving - or more specifically, the things inside the bag started moving!

Now, remember the paw that had come over the side of my recliner the night before?!  I tried to tell myself that I was just seeing things again.  It was all just a lack of sleep.  But it kept happening.

Before I tell you the rest of the story, I must explain to you how incredibly afraid of mice I am!  When I was first living on my own after college and saw a mouse in my house, I immediately went around the entire house stacking anything and everything on top of major pieces of furniture.  Then I sat on top of one of the piles for hours, paralyzed with fear about what to do.  I am so afraid of mice, I can't even set a trap.  I know that is even dumber, but it is true.  Mouse traps' presence alone is all I need for my imagination to run wild about where mice are and  how many and what they will do.

Thankfully, I married someone who isn't scared by mice in the slightest!  He'll set traps and empty dead mice into an area I am ignorant of all day if he has to, and it doesn't bother him a bit!  This is a God-send in my life for sure!  We have only had a few mice since we were married, and each time he has handled it with ease.

So, since I was stuck in the chair next to what I was sure was a mouse-infested bag right next to my chair, I texted Kyle to come to the living room.  At this point, it is 2 or 3 in the morning, and he had his phone on silent and "Do not disturb"!  So I started to cry and tell Keegan that we were going to have to be brave and run and get Daddy.  I sat there a few minutes, waiting for the courage to get up and walk down the hall to our bedroom...  I knew I couldn't run with a newborn in my arms in the pitch black, but I was scared to go any slower!

So I took a deep breath and got up!  I went as fast as I could while chanting out loud, "Just get there, just get there."

So, I woke my poor husband up and told him.  He came in the living room, took the bag outside on the porch and started to take everything out of it.  I was amazed, as I stood behind the screen door watching, how he took each item and shook it thoroughly.  With each item, I would cringe, waiting for the thing to jump out at Kyle and run.

But it wasn't in the bag.

Then I became even more horrified.  If it wasn't still in that bag, that meant it was in the house - anywhere in the house.

I reluctantly went back to the recliner to finish nursing Keegan while Kyle started going through things to make sure there wasn't any food from our hospital snacks in the bags.

And then, it happened.  Even just typing it makes my hair stand up on my arms and neck!  The mouse popped up out of another gift bag and sat, perched on the edge of the bag AND LOOKED RIGHT AT ME!  We made eye-contact, and I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT!  Thankfully, Kyle was still in the room, so I didn't have to go get him this time.  Again, he came over and shook things, opened things, and the mouse was no where to be found.  At this point, I was worried that Kyle was going to think I had lost my mind!  Three times I had seen something in the middle of the night, and all three times no one else found or saw anything.

Kyle started setting traps over by the wall next to my recliner and the gift bags.  I took the baby to our room to put him down to sleep.  He looked so small, sweet, and innocent sleeping in his bed... I didn't know if I could let him sleep alone, but Kyle and I have a strict no co-sleeping policy.  But, of course, as a mother, I also have a "don't let my child be chewed on my animals" policy.

Kyle came in, and we both laid down in bed, while Keegan was across the room in his bed.  I knew he would be fine, but again, my brain would not let me rest in what I knew to be true.  I got the courage to ask Kyle the question that I knew the answer to, but I needed someone calm and strong to reassure me of that answer...

"Is he going to be okay?"  and as I said the words out loud, I burst into tears.  Like sobs.  Like my body is shaking as I cry huge tears that keep interrupting what I am trying to say, "I - am - just - so - scared - the - mouse - will - get - in - his - bed".

Kyle was so loving and patient with my insanity.  He just held me and said over and over, "He's going to alright.  The mouse has no interest in the baby or his bed.  It is going to be okay."  He held me until I calmed down, and then he kissed me and rolled over to go to sleep.

I laid there in the dark, more calm and sure that everything was going to be okay.  But I kept praying that I would hear a trap go off.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.

Finally, about an hour later, I heard the loud snap of a mouse-trap I had been waiting for!  And it is amazing how quickly I fell asleep after that!

Everyone was fed, asleep, and now safe.

The next time Keegan woke up to eat, I told Kyle that the trap had gone off.  He came in the living room before me and emptied it.  Then he went back to bed.

I was on cloud 9 then!  I didn't care that I had hardly slept in 2 days!  My baby was safe again!

Of course, then I had to track in my mind how a mouse got into our house in the first place!  I figured it must have come in with all the boxes we had brought in from our outside shed a day or two before the hospital, looking for all our baby things we had kept from when Emersyn was a baby.  I was relieved to realize that it got in from carrying in outside storage, and now it was dead!

Take that, mouse

Welcome to the Light, Keegan Russell!

Why do people always look so puffy when they get up before 6am?!

We headed for the hospital at 4:45 am on Tuesday, April 29th. We filled out paperwork, took our bags into our assigned room, and I started getting hooked up to IVs and everything else. They came and got me to take me to the O.R. to prep for surgery. Kyle was taken to another area to get into his scrubs, and I instantly felt his absence. I was shaking because it was so cold in the room, and all I had on was that paper gown that ties in the most stupid places. Two nurses stood on either sides of me with warm blankets and tried to hold me still while the anesthesiologist started my spinal block.  We had discussed the issues I had with the spinal block with my first child, and she did a great job making sure those same issues did not occur. But this one seemed to take longer, and the "rub" under my skin of the numbing medicine being shot into my back made my whole backside and hips and legs have a sickening warming sensation.

I will say that having a c-section last-minute is more desirable than having one planned ahead, because I knew more. I knew this time what could go wrong, and they kept over-informing me about what they were doing and what might go wrong. Since I had been through this before with the same doctor, I figured it would be like riding a bike - familiar. But everything seemed new and strange. I became fearful that I was going to die on the table without being able to tell my husband goodbye. I cried quietly from my fears, the freezing temperature of the room, and how sickening my body felt with this manufactured warming sensation running through my limp and numb limbs. I started to fear that I was only warm, not numb, and that I may feel the first cut.

Which I also was critiquing myself for, because I knew that was ridiculous... but it felt so real!

And then Kyle came in, and I was so relieved to see him! I didn't tell him any of my thoughts or feelings, but began to rest. And then I became too tired and groggy, and even though I couldn't keep my eyes open or talk much, I was very aware that I had been more alert during my first c-section. Again, I was worried that I was fading, dying, but left completely unable to tell everyone.

My hero :)

Last time, I had only felt people pushing on my stomach, and I assumed they were looking for the best place to make the incision... But as they were "looking", I heard Emersyn cry! I realized I had been more numb than I knew. But this time, it seemed everyone was talking too much. Again, they were giving me a play-by-play. So as I "felt" what they were doing, they described it. They told me that they saw the baby before they pulled and tugged him out. And from the way they were tugging and pushing, it seemed much harder and longer than with they had with Emersyn. I began to expect to hear that this baby boy was ginormous! I remembered that my midwife had said with my first pregnancy that there was "baby everywhere", and that they had had to tug her out of all the places she had taken up residence. And the over-the-top tugging this time pointed to another, perhaps even a larger child.

Kyle says that it was much worse with Emersyn from the look of things... I still disagree from the feel of things!

"In Italian, the literal translation of "to give birth" — "dare alla luce" — is: "to give to the light"

 

And then they brought him to us, and they offered to put him on my chest near my face, which I wasn't allowed to do with Emersyn!  It was so amazing to get to "hold" him so soon, even though my arms were still strapped down.  Then they said he only weighed 8 lbs!  8 pounds?!  I couldn't believe it!  Babies just don't come that small in my family!  The doctor joked that you know big babies run in our family "if an 8-pounder was the runt of the family".  Our son was just as long as his older sister, though, and we realized just how long and skinny he was.

There are definite pros to having a smaller baby - 1)I only gained 30 pounds, well 31, this pregnancy.  And at least 1/3 of that was lost at delivery! With Emersyn, I had gained 60!  2)He weighs so little, so holding him and nursing him wasn't as taxing on me as I was sporting a long horizontal line of staples. 3) He will definitely get to wear all of his clothes and diapers we bought.  With Emersyn, she skipped all the NewBorn stuff, because she was so big, and 4)  He definitely is easier to get to eat!  Emersyn was so big that she was never hungry!  It would take us an hour to wake her up to feed her for 20 minutes!  Not this little guy!  He lets us know he is hungry and ready!

But that is also part of the cons to having a smaller baby - 1)He wanted to eat a lot at first when we got home!  All of the time!  As if someone told him there is an eating competition going on - I sure hope it is true, because Keegan and I would win 1st place!!!  2)Even his NewBorn sized things are too big :(  He looks a little silly!  The jeans I had taken  for his "going home" outfit were as big as he was from head to toe... Thankfully the hospital is 6 minutes from our house!  3)  He also looks like an old man, which is pretty cute!  But I am used to rolly-polly babies!  We had to dig for Emersyn's neck; Keegan's is scrawny and visible immediately :)

"Keegan gave" Emersyn a big sister present of dress-up clothes! We had a different princess in our hospital room each day :)

Something I am very thankful for this second time around, though, is knowing more and being scared less - about motherhood anyway.  When we came home with Emersyn, I looked around our 900 square-ft trailer and started to cry at how small she looked in such a big place where no doctor or nurse would be checking in on us... I just knew she was going to die in this "HUGE" place!  Walking in with Keegan was like coming home from any other length spent away from home where you come home with more bags than you left with.  I didn't feel scared or nervous about him being here, and I don't think it was because we only have a little over 800 sq. ft. here.  I have learned about God's provision and protection of our kids.  There have been so many times Emersyn should have been injured and walked away from an incident completely fine, and when that happens multiple times a day or week, you learn that God is always with my kids because I know I can't always be with them!

And on our first night home, as I laid down next to Kyle to collapse to sleep, I said, "What an amazing feeling to know that the last time I laid in our bed, I had a lingering fear in the back of my mind that perhaps I wouldn't live and be able to come home.  I am thankful that God brought me home."

Snuggling with Daddy!

 Keegan had easily slept and ate on a regular schedule while we were in the hospital, but the day we came home was the same day as his circumcision.  Our only guess is that he was exhausted or groggy from his circumcision, because he slept so hard all day... and then our first night home he was AWAKE and wanted to eat every 2 hours!  I slept for maybe 2 hours altogether that night.  And I was afraid that the rest of my life was going to be this sleep-deprived!

The next night was exactly the same... Which is why I am only now posting this blog 8 days after he was born, but I started writing it our second night at home!

A family of 4!

That second night home is a crazy story all on its own, so I'm saving it for the next post!

"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times"... a decade of teaching - Part 1

I do not pretend to know or understand all of what I am about to speak on, but I have been teaching 5th grade now for 10 years - a decade - so, I think sometimes experience speaks for itself.  Since I am officially on maternity leave now, waiting for Keegan to come Tuesday or earlier, I thought I would sit down and write out some thoughts and memories and feelings about teaching, from teaching, for teaching, and against teaching in the next couple of posts.

Let's see... how much do I actually remember? Ha!  I say that, because after 10 years of countless meetings, parent/teacher conferences, papers graded, field trips, hours planning, and more than 460 5th graders, sometimes it all blurs together!  I mean, the first year seemed to last forever, and I couldn't believe I was going to have to repeat that process over and over again until my age and years of experience added together to equal 90!  But once I walked back into my classroom in August at the start of my second year, I realized it would go much faster now that I knew what I was doing... well, a little bit more of what I was doing :)

That first year made me both suicidal and practically narcoleptic!  It wasn't that my students were so awful, because looking back on it, they really weren't.  I just didn't know what I was doing.  Sure, I went to 4 years of college, had worked in daycares and preschools, had babysat, and knew I liked kids - that's all there is to it, right?!  Wrong.  It is like knowing how to cook and maybe cooking a couple times a week for yourself in college, and then getting married and having kids and having to provide a meal 3 times a day, 7 days a week, for several people... it is the same skill, but on an intense level of repetition and responsibility!

There were a group of boys that year, that if they were in my class now, I probably would sarcastically respond to some of their "humor" that was really disrespect, and it would be diffused immediately.  They are just 10-11 years old, after all.  But as a 21-year-old who didn't have children of her own, I was now responsible for the reading and writing and spelling skills of 40+ children, as well as their safety and behavior.  Those boys knew I was a first year teacher, and it never fails that kids test 1st year teachers like crazy!  I would say it is their sinful nature.  Child psychology would say it is only a child's attempt at seeing if they are in a safe environment or not.

Either way it doesn't really matter WHY; it is definitely difficult to know how to handle it!  I remember trying to start out heavy and serious and strict... but somehow it didn't work out.  If you don't win them that first day/week, you will spend the rest of the year spinning your wheels with no results.  That is the truth.  But no one models for you how to do that.  Sure, you can read books and articles and talk to other teachers, but no class, school, and teacher mix is ever the same way twice... it is an ever-changing formula that may explode all over the lab!

I took a nap every day after school that first year, because I was so exhausted all of the time.  My roommate came home one day and found me face down in the carpet, asleep.  The DVD player was open.  I had fallen asleep before I had pushed play!  I would randomly fall asleep on the couch and wake up there the next morning.  My roommate said she tried waking me up, but that it was like I was dead.

One day in October of that first year of teaching, I went into the back room of my house to do some laundry.  I sorted my clothes, started a load, and went to clean out the lint trap... it was at least 3 inches thick with lint!  I immediately freaked out, not because my roommate hadn't cleaned out the lint trap, but because I realized that I hadn't done laundry since school had started - and it was October!  I completely overlooked and forgave the fact that this incredible fire hazard had been present in my utility room because my roommate didn't know to clean out the dryer's lint trap.  I immediately told her that I was overwhelmingly sorry for not doing my laundry for 3 months!  I had been so preoccupied with teaching and being exhausted that I didn't even notice that someone else was washing my clothes!  I felt so terrible for taking advantage of her, but was so grateful she hadn't said anything about it before... because I might have broken down and just sobbed at the weight of one more responsibility on my shoulders!

I did end up crying in my principal's office that year.  Thankfully I have always had a female principal who understands what I am talking about when I have ended up crying on her desk!  Not that men administrators can't be understanding, I just would have been too scared to cry and stay in their office to discuss my issues!  One of my students had told me something that broke my heart!  She was so brave to say in a sweet, shy voice, "Miss Kruse, sometimes it feels like being good isn't worth it, because only the bad kids get all your attention."

And she was right!  I spent so much time disciplining these boys that were trying to get under my skin, that I constantly neglected to thank and reward the students that were doing what they were supposed to every day!  I am so thankful for that sweet little girl, who is now an adult, because she taught me something invaluable to teaching.

I was also put on a Plan for Improvement that year by my principal.  She said it wasn't because I was terrible, but that it was because she knew I had great potential... but she wanted to develop my teaching.  She made me go observe master teachers several times a week during my planning period and take notes.  Then I had to implement some of the practices I saw in other classrooms, and see how they worked for me.  I wrote reflections over all of this, and had to report them to her periodically.  That was the most incredible time, watching and listening to teachers who had been doing this so long!  I learned so much that I wouldn't have if that principal had merely said I was satisfactory on an evaluation.

Another student that I'll never forget was a farm kid, a dairy farm kid, and he told me that his cows didn't care if he could read or write.  I told him that in the future, small farms were probably not going to be able to support families anymore, and that he needed a backup plan.  At the end of that year, he told me that he sort of liked reading now, and he thought he might even go to college when he got older!

It was March before I felt comfortable that first year actually handling disruptive behavior.  I definitely was no master teacher by any means, but I was no longer constantly second-guessing myself.  I realized that learning was the purpose of any classroom, I was a trained professional on how to get students to learn, and that anything that interrupted or distracted from learning was not acceptable or appropriate.

It has been amazing to see those first students grow up and become adults.  In fact, one of the our first college Wednesday night Bible study groups this school year, one of the college guys asked me what my maiden name was and if I ever taught at Fort Gibson.  I recognized his face right away, and realized he was one of my students during my full-internship a decade ago!  And then a few weeks later, another college guy came to Bible study - and we recognized each other right away - he was one of my students during my first year of teaching!

I'll be honest, and say that when these former students who are now in college and high school ask to be my friend on Facebook, and I am able to see how they have matured and what they are doing with their lives... I am just thankful they can get into college!  I was so scared those first couple of years that they wouldn't be able to read or write on an acceptable level because I had messed them up!

The funny thing is, they usually look almost the same - just taller.  Perhaps their voice is different too, but moral character and personality is usually shaped in a child by the time they enter my 5th grade classroom.

I guess I haven't really changed much either... except this is actually from my second year of teaching.  I can't find the picture from my first :(

Something that has changed drastically in the past decade of teaching, though, is how deeply my students think.  That first year, my students were much better at problem solving and thinking about deeper topics.  We would do quick-writes on topics about life, you know, like "What does it mean to 'Reach for the stars.  That way, if you don't make it, you'll be in the clouds.'?"  Those kids would think about it, write about it, and then we would have a discussion.  My students now either couldn't or wouldn't do it.  They'd either not understand the quote or would make a joke out of it or would just say "I don't get it" without trying.  It is sad, truly.  Somehow in the past 10 years, children have stopped thinking and being able to express their thoughts.

I love teaching.  It truly is a wonderful experience to see, what I call, the "light bulb moment", when they finally understand something they didn't before!  Unfortunately, it seems to happen less and less.  I don't know what the answer is to all of it, but I have my theories.  10 years ago most of my students lived with one or both of his/her parents.  Now, probably half of my students are being raised by grandparents or aunts and uncles - it seems moms and dads are so caught up with their own repetitive, cyclical problems to care for these young people.  I think there is so much entertainment out there these days where kids never have to think deeply or solve problems on their own.  I also think it was safer 10 years ago to let kids explore and play.  Even as a parent, I wonder how it will make Emersyn a different kind of person than her father or myself, because we never let Emersyn out of our sight!  I wonder if that stumps her development in her moral and intellectual processing?

Anyway, it is funny how I think back to how hard that first year seemed, and it really wasn't because of the students I had or the curriculum I taught.  It was because it was the first time in my life that I had had to do something I wasn't completely adequate to do.  And it stressed me out that I couldn't be and do all that the job required of me to be successful as I defined it.

Since then I have realized that everyone in teaching is inadequate to be successful completely.  There aren't enough hours in the day, money in the funds, or energy to give every single student every single moment of attention they need... but now I am okay with that.  It still bothers me in an abstract way - I find myself wishing every room had an assistant, or that I only had half the students, or that my contract actually listed the number of hours I really spend on the job instead of the laughable "745am-315pm, 5 days a week, 9 months out of the year" that is printed on the annual document I sign.

But it doesn't keep me up nights anymore, and doesn't make me fall asleep with exhaustion in the floor in front of my DVD player in the middle of the afternoon.  All I do is my best every day, during the reasonable amount of time I have to dedicate to it each day, and then I know that is all I can do.  I cannot be superwoman.  I cannot sacrifice the quality of time and energy for my husband and children in order to be more successful at my job and still have a clear conscience.  I do my best with what I have.

I also learned after a few years, that my job is for two purposes:  to provide for myself and to contribute to the world.  It isn't my existence.  It sure feels like it should be, in order to meet the demands.  But realistically, it is just a job.  A good one.  A hard one.

One that I may or may not miss for these next few years that I am home more with Emersyn and Keegan, and anyone else that comes along.  All I know is I know this past decade was not wasted.  It has grown me, not just in the profession, but as a person.

I am better at 30, than at 20, because of those 460+ students, along with their essays, personalities, parents, and presence in my life.  I am happily, with maybe just a touch of fear and sadness, hanging up my hat and walking away for a while.  But this is just the tip of the iceberg of my memories, feelings, and thoughts on this topic.  I'm sure I'll revisit it soon.

We are having a baby boy in 3 days!  I am so excited and nervous!  And it has probably kept my mind from focusing on how much I'll miss teaching!  Who has time to be sad and miss something, when all this anticipation and wonder fills my mind?!

Happy Baby-Having to Me!

4,000 Views, Swollen Ankles, and Sale Pending!!!

Just a list of random things I have noticed or experienced this past week(s):

• The blog has had over 4,000 views since the New Year!
• I noticed that more people read my posts if I also post at least one picture... interesting.
• I am thankful to have served in the nursery at church for 2 weeks in a row, because I now remember how to change diapers!  Something I will definitely need to know very soon!
• Easter weekend was a lot of fun to see both my in-laws and parents!
• Had an amazing intense time of learning at Secret Church - google it; you won't be sorry.  I also learned I am still able to stay up until 2am... even at 9 months pregnant!!!
• I began to theorize that perhaps people who approve of foreclosure sales at banks only work on Thursdays - I am sort of being serious too.  Any communication was given on a Thursday, and then the next Thursday, and then the next.
• Yesterday (Monday) was the first day of my last week of teaching for an indefinite amount of time.
• I have heard some positive feedback from one hopeful part-time job for this Fall, just waiting to hear from another one and then make a decision!
• In order to find the Boppy pillow, the infant car seat, and Keegan's diaper bag (all had been put into storage when we were showing the house), meant that Kyle had to empty out the entire shed in the back yard into our living room... and we left it that way all weekend - guilt free!
• I packed most of the hospital stuff and it is sitting by the door... just waiting!
• My ankles are really swollen!!!
• And today 2 houses went into "Sale Pending" status - the house we currently live in and the house we have been wanting for months!

 So, here's the story in a condensed version:

We started working with the college ministry at the beginning of the school year, and we realized that it would be a lot easier to be hospitable to 30+ college students if we actually had a living room!  I mean, we have one, but the 5 pieces of furniture in it only seat 7 with not much room on the floor for many more!  So earlier in the year we went house hunting - mainly looking for fixer-uppers that had large living rooms.

We found the perfect house, for so many reasons, it would be a blog post all of its own!  What was even more perfect was the price!  A foreclosure with exactly the kind of living room/kitchen layout I wanted with plenty of room to spare for all these kids we plan on having (the 2nd coming very soon).

So, in order to buy this "dream house", we had to put ours on the market!  So, we got to work!  I got my pregnant self in a squatting/kneeling position and painted trim and baseboards while Kyle did a bazillion things I can't even remember them all!  We uncluttered every room, put all the baby stuff back into storage that we had just started digging out, and started actually making our bed every morning!  Shocker, I know!

And that is how we lived for a while - making sure the house was "show-ready" every morning by 7:40am, so we could hustle off to work!  Our realtor started working her tail off too networking, promoting, etc!

Some glitches we ran into along the way:

• You cannot make an offer on a foreclosure that is "pending on the sale of your own home"
• You cannot get traditional financing for foreclosures that need repair (this one needs to be reroofed)
• We didn't have $93,000 in our savings account
• We didn't have $15,000 in our savings account to pay for the repairs so that we could put it in escrow and THEN make an offer with traditional financing
• After several realtors toured our home, they advised us to drop our asking price at least $5,000 

And, of course, each glitch had to present itself one at a time, at least a week apart from each other in order to make this process go longer than we had planned!

Now, I am not complaining.  I am actually thankful for all the times we thought "this will never happen", because we learned so much about how much we trust in our "stuff" and plans.  With each hurdle, we had to sit down as a couple and talk and pray and ask ourselves, "How much do we trust God?  How much do we believe that we will truly be fine, and even better off if/when He says NO to this plan?  That if God says NO, then that is really how it should be!"

Huge OUCH!  With each glitch, we got better about not throwing ourselves into "the depths of despair" with our emotions!  And then with each glimmer of "re-hope", we learned to hold the plan more and more loosely.

The final hiccups were:

1. The same week we sat down to finally be able to make an offer on the house we wanted, we learned someone else had already bid on it and had been negotiating back and forth.  Legally, realtors cannot tell you how much someone else has bid on a property, so we were left to a complete guess on what to offer and hope it was higher than the other party's.
2. A week after putting in our offer (again, on a Thursday... I'm telling you my theory is right), the bank notified both parties and asked for a final offer from each one... again, we had to guess as to what we thought complete strangers we've never met might offer.  We had to think about what was more important - getting the house or being wise with our budget/offer.
3. The man interested in buying our house offered us quite a bit below our asking price.  We countered, and then he countered with something even lower than his first offer... So we had to think about what was more important -selling our house or selling it for what we wanted out of it?

We found out over this past weekend that the bank accepted our offer over the other party's!  We also negotiated an amount for ours to sell!  And yesterday (Monday), the buyer for our current home went in to sign the accepted amount an hour before we went in and signed for our accepted offer!

That brings us to our current, extremely exciting and busy timeline:

• We are having this baby next Tuesday - in one week (or less) by C-section!  So I will be the mother of 2 kids - a toddler and a newborn, recovering from surgery, and beginning the process of planning and packing to move!
• We are closing on the foreclosure house to start the reroofing on the 15th.
• We are closing on our current home and have to be out by June 1st!

This is definitely do-able!  I really am not worried about all of it, but the thought of it all is a little overwhelming.

So, tonight, Kyle and I went on a "last date" of sorts.  It has taken a couple of days to get excited about all of this, just because of all we have to coordinate.  But our conversation over dinner of all these changes definitely got both of us pumped about what is to come!  Fortunately, we both thrive on high-pressure, busy happenings, or at least we keep signing up for these type of scenarios in our marriage!  And I know for a fact that I love him more today than I did back in October of 2009 as I walked toward him down that aisle.  He has been tested over and over, and he has proven himself to be so trustworthy and dependable... how blessed am I?!

I also got a pedicure as a last pampering for myself before Keegan is born and we start to live out of boxes and stacks and piles.  The man doing my pedicure was cracking me up!  He was so nice about how bad my feet were, and how swollen my ankles are!  After the Dremmel, cheese grater, and special exfoliants and moisturizers wrapped in plastic and heated in the foot hot tub, and rubbed down with the hot stones and boiling hot steam towel... a sweet lady painted my toes the blue I had picked out for Keegan's arrival!  I wore pink polish when Emersyn was born, so I thought I would keep the coordinating going!  Then she gently put my sandals back on and buckled them for me, since she saw how I had struggled to get them unbuckled with this basketball-shaped baby belly in my way when we first got there!

All of this makes me think of playing Hide-and-Seek with Emersyn.  She counts to ten REALLY FAST, and you better be hidden by then, because "ready or not, here I come!"

Are we ready for a second baby?  Are we ready to relearn all that comes with a newborn?  Will we be able to handle living out of piles and boxes while recovering from surgery and nursing a newborn and chasing a todder?

These are definitely the times in life when I wonder how people who do not hope in the Lord get by?  I'm not judging them, I am truly curious, because without His strength and peace to get us through sometimes... we wouldn't make it through at all!  I know that "God provides for all bills He incurs".  He knows our every need and desire and hurt and fear.  But He doesn't just know about them; He cares about them.  He wants us to give them to Him.  He loves to carry our burdens and carry us through!

Why?!  Because He loves us, and He gets all the glory!  His name is exalted while our burdens are lifted!

He does give us more than we can handle, because that means we need Him!  Jesus did not come for those who are well, but for those who are sick!

So, are we ready?  Of course NOT!  But nothing surprises our Heavenly Father.  So, ready or not, here it all comes!

A Good Reminder That My Daughter is a Gift!

Wow!  The number of viewers from my last post was twice as many as any other post I've written!  I tried not to take it personally that I didn't really even write the post, since it was just a collection of photos that a good friend of mine, who also happens to be an amazing professional photographer, took of me a few weeks ago at 35 weeks pregnant!

And since I'm sure you can do simple math in your head, you just counted that if I was 35 weeks a few weeks ago, that means I am busting at the seems PREGNANT, and as Arnie says in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape", "I could go at any time!"

Yes, I am very pregnant!  Yes, I am supposed to have my second child, a son we have named Keegan Russell, in 11 days!  This means that none of my shirts quite meet my pants, I can't bend over without incredible pain, walking/sitting/getting in and out of bed/sleeping/eating/breathing/remembering anything is all inconvenient and extremely difficult!

All of that would be fine, completely doable, though, if I wasn't also just losing my patience left and right.  See, I have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter WHO RARELY SITS STILL OR LISTENS OR SPEAKS QUIETLY OR IS SATISFIED WITH ASKING ONLY ONE QUESTION...

Months, even weeks ago, Emersyn was still the cutest kid in the world to me, for many reasons, but mainly just because she is mine!  She is the personification of what someone once told me having children was like, "Having your heart walk around outside of your body."

That is my Emersyn.

Or was until recently...

See, she makes messes.  Sure, she is learning to pick them up, but it takes FOREVER.  She loves to run, even away from me, and since I can't walk, running is very impossible.  And these things aren't new, but as my energy goes down and my size goes up... it is all a bit much these days!

I find myself just being more and more impatient with her each day.  I am trying to fight it, but I don't always win.  Thankfully, we got a new recliner this week, so no matter how much I have lost my temper and patience and probably not said the right thing in the right tone, we have ended up rocking with her on my lap and her head against my chest each evening.  It is the only time I can get her to sit still, and those moments have become so precious to me this past week knowing that I will have to share my lap with her and her brother from now on.

These last few days of her being an only child make me so sad for some reason, but I am also excited for her to have a playmate soon!

I also thought it would be good for me post Emersyn's 2 1/2 years photos Cassy Pack took, so that I can focus on how adorable Emersyn is in these times where it seems everything she does gets on my nerves.  So, I hope you enjoy these photos as much as Kyle and I do.  But mainly this is for me - a post where I just take the time to look at this beautiful, energetic, smart, spirited, and loud child that God has been gracious to loan to me for over 2 1/2 years.

 Here, Emersyn is holding a picture Cassy took of her when she was 2 weeks old.  I love her laugh!

 I was amazed at how great these pictures came out, because Emersyn is such a whirlwind!  I don't know how Cassy got so many great shots without them being blurry!  She literally never stopped moving the entire shoot!

Candy helps sometimes, though :)

Emersyn loves to be an airplane!  Of course, she loves to run no matter what she is pretending to be... Cassy said she thought this picture captured her spirit, and I couldn't agree more! 

Storming off on a mission one second, and then looking pensive in the next.  Life is never dull with my Emersyn.

 And the man of honor right there, my husband, Kyle.  He is truly a gift to us.  As a husband he talks, listens, helps, protects, provides, loves, hangs out with me, cleans, packs bags and cars, unloads dishes/laundry/groceries, jokes, works hard, builds things, fixes things, tears up at sweet moments, and is constantly giving.  As a dad he plays, fixes hair, prays, tickles, hugs, kisses, says "I'm proud of you", says "You're beautiful", says "You're smart", and he consistently teaches her how to be respectful to us, especially to me.  I'm telling you, these pictures grip my heart because I have seen these kinds of things go on in our house when there wasn't a photographer around to capture the moment.  These aren't isolated, posed happenings, but a daily occurrence that I am privileged to witness.

There, I am once again reminded of how blessed I am!  It is hard to remember sometimes when you are tired and uncomfortable constantly, but these photos have shown me once again these two people I should be cherishing every day.

The Only Time I Have Enjoyed Having My Picture Taken

 My whole life I have HATED getting my picture taken!  I'm sure that is a typical, female problem, but never have I been pregnant and in front of the camera before.  And let me tell you, it is completely different!  I didn't have maternity photos done with my first pregnancy, because a lot of styles I had seen before were just weird to me.  I really felt like the sheer, flowy materials, naked bellies, and serious boudoir expressions and poses were not the message I wanted to send or capture, and I definitely wouldn't want to hang them in my home!  To me, being pregnant is such a sweet, mysterious, and marvelous experience, and I didn't know how a person could capture that for me without it being awkward or magnifying of my insecurities.

But since this is my second pregnancy, I wanted to do something special that I didn't do with the first, since the first time around everything is new.  So, I asked one of my dear bridesmaids from my wedding, who is an awesome photographer, to try and capture the essence of my feelings about carrying and growing a child.  I think she did a fantastic job!  I also was surprised by how much I loved the process of being able to emphasize my big belly and to think about the children I have carried in there.  When does a woman ever get to hold her huge stomach, smile, and not have one insecure thought about her shape and size?!  What a freeing experience!

I couldn't be more pleased with how these turned out, especially the bare belly pose with Emersyn, my daughter!  That was the only shot I was nervous about, because of previous bare-bellied photos I had seen online, but my heart just melts at the sight of my daughter anticipating this new life joining our family very soon!  And you can't even tell that it was raining and cold that evening!

Thank you so much, Cassy Pack, for making tasteful, sweet, meaningful works of art that include the very heart and essence of the joys of motherhood, family, and expecting a baby!  The only problem is choosing which ones I love the most for hanging in our home!  What a wonderful problem to have!

If you would love to check out Cassy's newborn, maternity, and engagement photo sessions with other clients, check out her site at www.cassypackphotography.com!

Coming soon, Emersyn's 2 1/2 year pictures done by the same photographer!