Doing It All "Wrong", But Still Getting It Right

My daughter is 2 years and 4 months old, and she has discovered something she considers to be a breakthrough in modern intelligence... Here is this slice of genius, are you ready for it?

Everyone was first a baby, and then they grow up.

This is mind-blowing information to my toddler, and she finds it necessary to now go up to every person she knows (or doesn't know) and say "Baby grow up!"  And she's right every time.  Perhaps she likes that part even more than the knowledge itself, is that she has yet to find someone that this truth doesn't apply to.

Since it is Spring Break, we were able to do our Saturday morning ritual on a Monday.  Emersyn comes into our room around 7a.m. and gets in our bed and under the covers.  We play "night-night", and basically we all just lay there while Emersyn wiggles and rolls and bounces while showering us with hugs and kisses and cuddles.

And all of a sudden, she stopped and pointed to herself and said, "Baby grow up".  She then continued to point to me and repeated this profound statement, and then again to her daddy.  And each time we affirm that she's right.

But hearing this statement "Baby grow up" over and over the past few weeks has started me thinking through how all these babies are actually "raised".  Even that word, "raised", gives a visual of older people lifting up a younger child into an older child and then into an adult.

As a parent of only one young child, I consider myself still a beginner.  Sure, I don't stress over things I used to when Emersyn was first born.  I have realized, though, in these short 2 and almost a half years that parenting is the epitome of two incredibly huge ideas crossing paths every moment of every day - God's sovereignty and man's responsibility.  These seem like two things that have nothing to do with each other, but in parenting these things must coexist and even work together... and be smothered in God's grace.

Grace is goodness being given that is not deserved, and I am learning that a lot of parenting is a lot of work from me and my husband but infinitely more grace from the Lord.  Sure, we have read books and listened to parenting sermons, talks, podcasts, etc.  We have read scripture and tried to apply its truths to create our style of parenting.

But there comes a point in every parent's life that they must admit that no matter how hard they try to watch their motives, tone, words, and actions around, in front of, or with their children... basically every parent is going to screw up their children in some way.  When flawed beings raise moldable younger beings, it is inevitable that the children will get the same flaws or opposite flaws as a response.

Now, I'm not saying that we shouldn't try as parents to raise our children correctly, whatever we feel convicted as "correctly" to mean, but we are fools if we think there is a way to raise children perfectly.  We are delusional if we think that if we follow a certain method of speaking, eating, disciplining, teaching, rewarding, sleeping, being affectionate, affirming, that we will avoid all things harmful, negative, or devastating to our children.  I can't guarantee that if I say all the right things in the right tone to my daughter that she will grow up to be confident, secure, and wise.  I can't guarantee that if I spank my daughter, or if I don't, that she will or won't grow up to respect authority.  Sure, statistically doing certain things in raising children makes getting positive results more likely and pitfalls less likely.

But ultimately, I can't ever get rid of my own sin, my child's sin, or her ability to make decisions that I can't control in any way.  These 3 factors make child-rearing quite unpredictable.

And if that is true, then it's opposite must be as well.  Parents who do things " wrong" are not guaranteed to have screw-ups for children in adulthood.  Again, this is no license for parents to take a lifelong vacation from their responsibilities, but I think with all the books and theories out there today, we aren't giving God's grace and sovereignty its proper credit in how our children end up.

I feel an easy example is my own up-bringing.  Before I begin, let me explain that in no way was I ever abused or neglected in any way.  My mom will be the first person to say, and I have heard her say this many times, that it is by God's grace that her kids turned out halfway decent.  So, as I go into detail, please know that in no way am I saying I regret the way I was raised.  I can thankfully and honestly say that I hold no resentments toward my parents for anything they did or did not do in their parenting, AND I have a very close relationship with my parents.  And I always have.  While my mother would say that it is ONLY by God's grace, I would say it is also due greatly to just who my parents are.  They are strong and loving.  They are constant and generous.  They are just and thoughtful.  And I love them - strengths and weaknesses altogether.

And when I point out something "wrong" they did in raising me, I'm not sure what they did was actually wrong at all, but there are definitely volumes out there on bookshelves of bookstores, conference table displays, and home libraries all over the United States - in Christian and non-Christian homes - that would say these methods are wrong.  I'm sure some would even go so far as to say that I was abused or neglected, which would make me want to laugh.  Some people take their parenting to a whole new level of legalism and paranoia these days that I just can't understand at all, and I don't want to.  But as I point out the things my parents did "wrong", please understand that I am only pointing it out in contrast to what the modern world would say is "right" parenting.  My personal belief is that my parents did the best they could with what they knew and believed at that time, and I feel I turned out relatively well as what we hope for our children goes.  Not that I'm bragging, but for Christian parents' hopes for their children, most have come true in my life without much difficulty.  And I'm not saying that because I am so great, because I'm not, but the successes I have had in my life are completely owed to my parents' guidance and God's grace on my life!

If I were the author of some very popular books, even in Christian circles today, I would have this following critique of my parents:

1)  My mother had me by C-section.  In a hospital.  With pain meds.  That alone in today's world would make her the black sheep in a mother's group.  Guess I'd have to join her, since that is how I had my baby as well.  But the poor woman was 3 weeks past her due date, and she had been in labor with me for quite a while.  One doctor kept me in while another performed an emergency c-section.  This woman should never be judged but thanked a million times over!  Thank you, Mama, for choosing life for me, carrying me much longer than was necessary, and for making it through an extremely difficult delivery to raise me!

2)  My mother was not a stay-at-home mom.  I didn't even know those existed, except perhaps in 2 families I knew moms that worked part-time or cleaned people's houses.  Everyone else I knew grew up in a home where both parents worked, and I don't ever remember any of us saying that we thought our parents spent too much time at work.  Even though my mom worked, we still ate most of our meals at home that had been prepared and cooked at home.  We spent a lot of time playing and working together as a family.  We went on vacations together often.  We had traditions.  We spent a lot of time together, and I don't remember even feeling like my parents were too busy for me.  I can remember my parents being at most of my school functions, extracurricular activities, and special events too.

3)  My mother did not breastfeed me.  I know, shocking!  She did try, but it didn't go well.  I was fed formula throughout my first year of life.  And all of my life, I have been very healthy.  I was a gymnast, a softball player, a track runner, and a cheerleader.  I am also smart enough to have finished high school, taking Trigonometry, AP Physics, and Chemistry.  I also tested into Advanced Comp in college, and graduated college with a 3.85 GPA.  I'm not trying to brag, I am just merely pointing out that formula in no way inhibited my ability to learn.  I have also been very close to my mother throughout my childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.  I don't feel like my bond with her suffered because I didn't spend meals at her breast for the first year of my development.

4)  My parents spanked me.  In fact, I think I got my last swats at age 16.  They didn't do time outs or talks or a reward chart.  If I misbehaved, I got swatted.  Sometimes I got swatted with a paddle.  Mom or Dad would say to go to their room and sit on their bed.  They'd go get the paddle.  They'd ask if we knew why we were getting paddled.  After clarifying why, we were then told to bend over the bed, and we got swats.  If we didn't bend over, the number of swats were increased.  And they hurt.  I won't lie.  Of course they hurt!  That is definitely part of the point of swats.  But within 10 minutes my butt wasn't hurting, and we all moved on with life.  And it was a happy life, believe me!  I have never felt like I needed counseling because of these spankings I received.

It would be one thing if my parents only swatted me for doing wrong, but never praised me when I did right.  I was told that I was smart.  I was congratulated when I did well.  I was rewarded for good grades.  They also told me they loved me often, even during disciplining me.  They played with me too.  I might have obeyed them out of fear sometimes, because I knew consequences were always involved.  But I also wanted to please them, because I love them.  I still do.  I have always wanted to show my parents my new classroom, new house, new car, my Teacher-of-the-Year award, or even this blog.  I want them to be proud of me, because they are my heroes.  Yes, heroes that paddled my butt whenever I screwed up.  Because they are good people, I wanted to be like them.

My mother even used spanking in her potty-training method.  I had been showing interest in using the toilet, so she woke me up one day when I was 15 months old and said, "You're a big girl now.  We wear big girl panties, and we don't go potty in our panties."  If I went to the bathroom on the toilet, I got a treat.  If I went in my panties, I got a spanking (with her hand).  I was potty-trained in a couple of days with no relapses.  By today's standards that would be a very wrong method, but I have absolutely no memory of it.  And I am pretty sure I have no emotional, self-esteem, or physical issues due to this "wrong" way of potty-training.

5)  My parents did not dress me in special attire for every holiday.  And most of my Easter and Christmas outfits were hand-me-downs.  My hair was not braided in a special way with a handmade bow from Etsy or a boutique.  The sheets on my mattress didn't always match the decor in my room.   My parents did not share pictures of me with their friends at least once a day.  My childhood was a lot less about me than my daughter's is about her... and I admire the kind of simplicity my parents had in how they taught me my place in this world.  I knew there was more to life than me - my life, my wishes, my feelings.  My parents' lives didn't revolve around me.

6)  My parents sent me to public school.  Yep, Kindergarten through 12th grade, I attended a public school.  And there were kids of every kind.  I never once prayed while in school or had the Bible taught to me by a school employee.  I was taught BOTH Creationism and Evolutionary theory in my high school science classes.  I heard cuss words and sexual innuendos long before I understood them.

But there was a couple who were local missionaries.  They taught Bible classes at school, and if parents gave students permission to go, they could.  I attended these classes and learned a lot about God and the Bible before my parents ever took me to church - at a public school.

I also received an excellent education, and I can say that college was quite easy for me because my school prepared their students so well.  I also had many Christian teachers that I knew I could go to to ask for guidance, prayer, etc.  I had many wonderful teachers that came to extracurricular activites while I was in school, and even attended my wedding when I was 26-years-old.

I was able to help lead devotions and Bible studies through our Fellowship of Christian Athletes in high school.  I learned a lot about being a witness for Christ.  I also saw several people learn and trust in the Lord though our group's study times.  I heard several teachers as guest speakers give their testimonies.  At "See You At the Pole", half of our school staff would come and pray with students.

7)  My parents let me eat fast food - even McDonald's!  Oh no!  The horror!  I even ate... McNuggets!  That is all I have ever had at McDonald's, with their french fries of course.  And as a young child, I mostly just licked ketchup off a french fry until it got soggy.  Then I'd throw it to the side and get a fresh fry to aide me in my ketchup consumption.  My mother and father didn't even lose sleep because I didn't eat broccoli.  In fact, my mother has never cooked me a vegetable that wasn't a green bean, carrot, corn, or potato.

And if I didn't eat, I got a spanking.

8)  My parents fought in front of me.  And before they were both believers, I'd say they fought a lot.  But I have also seen them hold hands in the car, heard them tell each other they love each other every day, and I have seen them kiss in front of me too.  Never once did I feel like their marriage had ruined marriage for me.  Never have I felt that their difficulty to understand each other and find common ground meant that relationships are doomed to fail.  I have seen them on the brink of divorce.  But I have also seen them fall in love again.  I have seen how God grows people toward each other.  I have heard them make each other laugh.  I have seen notes they leave for each other or acts of kindness they do for one another.  And in many ways, I am much like my mother... and I married someone a lot like my father.  Why would I have done that if I thought these people who fought in front of me were miserable failures.  Obviously, I don't!

9)  My parents did not lead me spiritually for a long time.  That was because for quite a while, they were not believers, themselves.  And then when they were, they were brand new believers.  They didn't know how to lead a family devotion.  They prayed with us before meals and bedtime.  They gave us godly counsel when we were going through something... but most of our spiritual upbringing was done by the church.  My youth pastors taught me how to read my Bible, what to look for in a spouse, and doctrinal truths.  But my parents did pray for me.  They prayed for my safety, making godly decisions, my friends, my future spouse, and they still do pray for me.  Again, they didn't lose sleep at night because they weren't discipling us around the dinner table or in living room prayer and discussions of scripture.  But somehow both my sister and I are believers, are married to men who feel called to be pastors/ministers, and we want to raise our children in the Word of God on a daily basis.  Sure, all of that could be because God in His grace and mercy gave my sister and I both hearts that fell in love with Him... but I have a feeling that God was answering the many prayers spoken by my parents throughout our years.

10)  Some other miscellaneous things my parents never did:  let us sleep in their bed - ever - not even when we were sick or scared, ask us our feelings on a lot of things - what they said went, give us multiple chances before disciplining us, ask us to do things - most of the time we were told what we would and would not do, ever wonder why we behaved the way we did - they weren't interested in abstract explanations, they saw right-and-wrong and expected us to behave appropriately.

Basically, if my parents were interviewed on national television today about the way they raised me, I'm sure there would be newsfeed blowups on every social site available, because so many people would have a critical opinion of what went on in my upbringing.  But as the recipient of this "raising", I believe my opinion on the matter is more important than a stranger's... I mean, in today's world, isn't it all about my experience?!  And haven't we all heard more times than we want to how you can't invalidate someone's feelings or experience?

So, here we go.  Here are my feelings and experience on being the subject of this kind of upbringing: I have felt loved and supported every day of my life.  I have been cheered on, corrected, and guided.  I have been allowed to mess-up and see where that gets me.  I have been comforted, disciplined, and forgiven.  I have been inspired.  And because of these "wrong" practices, I learned respect, how to think of others before myself, that I don't know everything, and that it isn't all about me.  These people taught me how to think, play, laugh, make decisions, work hard, manage time and money, give, share, and love.  They taught me to value God, family, friends, people, education, and contributing.

God is always sovereign.  So I have no idea how many of the things in my life are the way they are ONLY because of His infinite mercy and grace.  But I do know that in His infinite wisdom and orchestration, He blessed me with these parents who raised me.  And in my opinion, raised me well.  They aren't perfect, so of course their parenting couldn't have been perfect.  And even if it could have been, they had me as a child, and I am not perfect either.

Am I going to parent exactly how my parents have?  The answer is no.  Not because I think they were wrong, but because Kyle (my husband) and I are not my parents.  I did breastfeed my daughter, but it wasn't because I felt so neglected at not being breastfed.  I used a different method for potty-training, but it wasn't because I felt my mother was a bully for using the method she did.  Kyle and I do use spanking as one of our ways of disciplining, but we also use time out and logical consequences.  About what kind of schooling my children will receive, I honestly have no idea.  That would very much depend on where we live, what our circumstances are, and the needs of each child.  But as successful products of public schools (Kyle also attended private Christian school in his younger years), we are not against any form of education setting.  We believe parenting should accompany any kind of education, and therefore many dangers of any kind of schooling are dimmed in the light of being involved, informed, and active in our kids' education and lives.  And we would like to be intentional with our kids' spiritual growth, and being raised in church and both of us  being Christians for at least a decade, we really have no excuse not to do so.

But nothing I do that is different from my own upbringing is because I disagreed with my upbringing.  I can find lessons learned and traits solidified through these methods my parents used, and I am grateful for them.

My point is that in anything in life, especially in parenting, we should seek God's direction and will.  We should be responsible to carry out our responsibilities in obedience the best we can.  And then we have to trust the Lord with everything else.  It doesn't matter what the latest parenting book you are reading says, or even a blog!  It doesn't matter if the "seems to be the perfect mom" down the street used this certain method, and for some reason it isn't working for your family.  What does God say about it?  And really, that is the only person's feelings and opinions we should care about on the subject.  The women in our moms' group, the author of a popular book, or the opinionated woman in the checkout line at the store are getting their opportunity to be obedient with the children they have been given (or already raised).  They do not define your parenthood status.

Because if it was as easy as finding the perfect formula to raise children to turn out just as we wish, what would we even need God for in this journey?!  Why should parents be on their knees begging for help, wisdom, and grace in this process if it was all something we could put in a PowerPoint and master?!

On days when you feel like you are doing it all right, beware.  There is a point of no return where you are no longer teachable, and your entire family will suffer for it.

On days when you feel like you are doing it all wrong, be comforted.  There is a perfect Father who carries our burdens, forgives us of our sins, and holds the entire universe together.

Trust Him with your children.  Trust Him with your parenting.  Trust Him with your life.

Remember, the world thinks His ways of parenting us are wrong too.  Does that make Him wrong?  Of course not!  The Creator of the world cannot be put on trial by His creation and be found wanting.  He is the judge, and He has decided to compel us to good deeds through love and kindness.  We are the ones found wanting, and yet He chooses to still use us, mold us.  And in Him, all our wrongs find a right.

The Good, The Bad, and The Hilarious – The Absolute Awesome Process of Pregnancy!

I am currently pregnant with my second child, and I know of at least 13 other women who are pregnant right now… so this just seemed to be the topic my mind is on most lately – Having a baby!!!  And it is so great to know this time around so many things I didn’t with my first child.  I have been less stressed, less OCD about everything, and less afraid.  All good things!  I can actually laugh about pregnancy now, because it is HILARIOUS!!!  If you don’t believe me, watch “What to Expect When Expecting” with Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez (and several other funny and good actors).  Obviously, it is a Hollywood film, so it isn’t pregnancy from a Christian’s point-of-view, but it is very real and very funny.  It is also honest, and as I get older, I appreciate honesty so much more than I used to!  The movie covers every perspective:  the surprise pregnancy, the been-trying-so-long-we-quit-trying surprise pregnancy, adoption, the pregnant woman that has absolutely no problems with her pregnancy at all, twins, emergency c-section, and even include the serious and heartbreaking reality of miscarriage.  But they include it all, the sweating, the swelling, hemorrhoids, and birth plans that never go the way they are typed!

In fact, the character that is a perfectionist and a birthing/breastfeeding expert in the movie says after her doctor suggests an emergency c-section, “No, I want to push.  I have a birth plan.  I want to push.”  The doctor says, “I understand that, but…” and she says, “It’s typed! I want to push!”  Like typing out a piece of paper is going to control how your body and baby progresses during delivery!  Hilarious!

My personal experience with pregnancy has been funny as well!  All pregnancies, I’m sure have their own tale or two of hilarity – with, I’m sure, most having at least weekly funnies occurring throughout the 40 weeks of growing a human.  And most hilarious moments occur because what you plan goes wrong or what you hadn’t planned for suddenly happens in a major way!

Myself being such a staunch planner, pregnancy has been quite funny for me and to me… and I have since learned that I should really just plan on going with whatever happens!  Go with the flow and laugh throughout the process.  Ya know that phrase, “Laugh so you won’t cry”?  Probably a pregnant woman, or the husband of a pregnant woman, came up with that!

In my naïve, planner’s mind, I thought that by the time I was 28 years old, I would have already given birth to at least 2 of the 4 children I planned on having.  28 just seemed like the perfect age to be halfway through childbearing.  I also thought 28 would be the perfect age, because I would still be young, but wiser than I had been in my early 20s.  The truth is that pregnancy and motherhood is a learning experience no matter your age or amount of previous wisdom!

And, of course, as every planner finds, rarely do plans go exactly as planned.  I didn’t get married until I was 26, so if I was going to have 2 kids by 28, I would have had to rush the whole process – which I thankfully realized would not be wise for us.  Kyle worked part-time and attended seminary, and when we were first married, we wanted it to just be “us’ for at least a year or 2.

Well, we just made the 2 year mark a month before Emersyn was born, but I am so thankful we took that time to just be us.  We built a foundation that has easily grown since becoming parents of one child.  I think if we had rushed parenthood just to fit my plan, we wouldn’t have known each other or ourselves as well as we do.

While we were dating, I requested that we make a list of 4 girl and 4 boy first and middle name combos that we agreed on.  I joke all the time that I wanted to know before I married him what his taste in names was, but it is the honest truth.  I’m not saying I wouldn’t have married him if he had horrible taste in names, but I at least wanted to be prepared for how easy or difficult naming our kids would be.  Thankfully we easily agreed on at least 3 “for sure” name combos with a flexible 4^th for each gender, so we are pretty set for a while on naming our kids – especially since we hopefully we’ll only have one at a time!

And one reason I am glad we only have had one at a time, is because babies come in size XL in my family.  We don’t have little tiny babies that look like newborns that could break in half.  We have babies that look much older and neckless.  Kyle and I were both big babies – me being super-sized at 10 lbs 13 oz!  And Emersyn didn’t break the mold!  She was several months old before we ever saw her neck without digging for it!

I found out I was pregnant with Emersyn the morning after having thrown up Mexican food the previous evening for no reason.  Inside my mind I wondered instantly if I was sick or pregnant, but I didn’t say anything.  The next morning was the Monday of Spring Break.  Kyle went off to seminary class before I even got out of bed.  When I woke up, I took a test, and it was positive the moment the stick got wet!  The directions said that it took 2 minutes, so I laid the positive test aside thinking and kind of hoping that it would change over the 2 minutes.

It was, of course, still positive when the timer went off, but I didn’t know how reliable these things were, and I needed to do some research… so I went up the hill to my friend, Jessica’s, house to get online to do some research.  When I came in to her house she told me that she wasn’t feeling very good, and she thought she got whatever I had had the night before when I got sick on the Mexican food.  I told her that what I had, I didn’t think was contagious!  

All afternoon I read about common false negatives and very rare false positives.  I even texted my sister who was 3 months pregnant to ask her if she thought it could be a false positive.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to have a baby, it was that my plan was not to get pregnant for another 3 months… yep, 3 months!  I know now that getting pregnant about 3 months from the time you wanted to is pretty much on time!

Getting pregnant isn't like making an appointment to get a pedicure.  Sure, you can try to treat it that way, but "People have sex; God makes babies".  And I have since seen too many friends try for a long time to get pregnant without becoming so.  It isn’t something God does on our timeline or for our convenience.  And that is what people do these days – they plan their birth control (chemical or natural) around when they want to have children.  We are all busy, and we want our pregnancies and childbirths to fit our schedules.  And I was hoping for a false positive because of a measly 3 months!  Ridiculous, I know!

And I started to learn very quickly, that if you can’t laugh at yourself, you should never get pregnant or raise children!  The whole process is one hilarious moment after another… granted, sometimes you have to wait until the moment is over and a few days pass before you can laugh, but laughing is the only way to survive it!

“Pregnancy brain” is a big producer of hilarious moments!  I once went to get in my car, looked down and saw that I had Kyle’s WAY-TOO-BIG for me flip-flops on… and I was going to go to Walmart in them without a thought!  I also found myself too many times with my keys locked in the car.  Or 45 minutes from home with an empty gas tank, with no purse, wallet, or phone!  I would forget even what side of a parking lot I had parked in, or if I had brushed my teeth or not!

Pregnancy hormones and emotions are also hilarious sources of comedy!  Early on in my first pregnancy we were having a yard sale, and we had to drive to get to the location we were having it.  We were running a little late, and I wanted cereal.  So I poured a bowl of cereal and milk, and walked to Kyle’s truck with it.  He said he didn’t like the idea, because he was afraid it was going to spill.  I said I would be careful, but wouldn’t you know that within seconds of being in the truck, I dropped the whole bowl down the middle gearshift and console… I was immediately angry, sorry, and humiliated… but for some reason I reacted like the Hulk!  I picked up what was now a 1/3 filled bowl, opened my door, threw the bowl and the rest of its contents all over the driveway and screamed an obscenity.  No, I don’t remember which one.  And I ran inside, sat down on the toilet lid and began to bawl.  I mean, I SOBBED!!!  Inside my head, I was asking myself, “Why are you being such a crazy person?!  Just go say you are sorry and clean it up!”  But I just sat there crying and scared of who I had become!  Kyle was smart and tried to console me instead of correcting me.  I think he was scared of me too, and I don’t blame him!

That story cracks me up just thinking about it now!

I loved every minute of my first pregnancy!  I even remember saying that most pregnant women were big babies and drama queens – it just isn’t that bad!  Well, that’s easy to say when you only throw up the day before you know you are pregnant and never feel sickness again!

As time went on, I started to swell.  And then I swelled some more.  My blood pressure and swelling were red flags for my midwife, who demanded that I go on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy!  I was only 7 months along!  I had the sick days available, but I didn’t want to use them just to lay around doing nothing!  I asked her what other options I had, and she said that if I could elevate my feet above my heart, then I could go to work.  I said, “You mean like in a recliner?!”  I said it as a joke, but she immediately agreed that that would work… “Are you serious?!” 

So I called my mother to tell her the comedic situation I was finding myself in.  It was Wednesday, and she was at church when she got my phone call.  So she told the people sitting around her that I needed to teach from a recliner for the next 2 months, and someone sitting there said, “We have a recliner that is just sitting in our kids’ room, not being used.  She can have it as long as she needs it.”

My parents delivered the recliner to me on Thursday, and Friday morning the awesome maintenance men of Westville Public Schools were carrying it into my classroom and putting it together for me at the front of the room!

And I taught 5^th graders from that recliner for 2 months!  I thank the Lord for SmartBoards and AirLiners, because that is how I taught without ever having to get up out of my chair!  My feet were elevated above my heart, and my awesome students that year kept me accountable about staying that way!  I would get up to go get something off my desk, and a student would say, "Are you supposed to be up out of your chair?".  Hello, I'm the adult and you're a kid... but yes, you're right; I should have asked someone for help.  So many tasks were done by 10-year-olds.  I had them taking attendance, passing out papers, fetching and carrying for me.  It was like I had 22 interns, all under 5 feet!

On top of that, I also had to stay home and keep my feet elevated on evenings and weekends.  And wouldn’t you know that this effective-immediately bed rest came the day after I had done the monthly grocery shopping!  I am the cook in our house, so I had to type up all the recipes I was planning on making for the whole month for Kyle to follow!  What was funny, is that I am not a cook that uses recipes.  And I definitely never measure things out.  So trying to explain my “recipes” via typing them out for my husband to understand was quite comical!

He would call out from the kitchen, “How much is ‘some garlic salt’?”  And I would say, “I don’t know, SOME!”  Hilarious!

Also, every weekend when I had to stay home, feet elevated, and do 24-hour urine collections.  Doesn’t that sound fun?!  Every weekend there sat a big red jug in my refrigerator that said “Hazardous – Do not drink!” on the side.  All day and night, I would catch all of my urine and pour it into the red hazardous jug, and every Monday morning, Kyle would drop off the urine jug to be tested at the lab.  And then every Monday afternoon I would go get the results on my way back from work!  2 months of that!  It is even funnier when someone opens your refrigerator and asks, “What is that?!”  Hmm, let’s see… do you want the vague answer of “None of your business”, or do you want to know that that is a gallon of my pee?!

And the fact that pregnant women even try to sleep toward the end of the 9 months is pretty funny!  Getting comfortable is impossible!  And rolling over is an 8-point turn!  I have to push off something, then pull the side of the bed, and kick my legs – all while grunting and breathing heavily!  By the time I get rolled over, my heart is racing and I am exhausted like I just went for a run – just to roll over!  Since your abs are completely divided and pushed to the side when you are pregnant, you have no help from your middle section at all to make movements – and while you’re laying down, gravity has a field day fighting you too!

Once I finally get to sleep, I have the scariest, most vivid dreams ever!  The worst when I was pregnant with Emersyn is a tie between two nightmares!  In one I was using the toilet in a restaurant bathroom and I miscarried into the toilet.  And when I looked into the toilet, the baby looked like one of those old baby dolls with missing hair, and it blinked at me from underwater in the bowl.  Those were the creepiest blue eyes I have ever seen!  The second nightmare was that a witch was eating all of my family and friends, but was keeping me alive to eat the baby when I delivered… yeah, you don’t sleep much after seeing that!

Then the birthing video!  Why did they have to show that birthing video?!  I don’t need to see that!  Besides, as the mother giving birth, you don’t see it from that angle anyway, and I would have preferred it stay that way!  Ignorance is truly bliss, and I believe God put babies in our mid-section to grow there for several reasons – 2 of those reasons being so that 1)You don’t see how swollen your ankles are toward the end, and 2) you can’t see anything going on “down there” when you are laying down and pushing.  The doctors and nurses can see that stuff all they want to; they signed up to be at that end!  I did not!  At our birthing class, we watched the video of the woman giving birth.  I thought I was going to pass out!  I had tears in my eyes, and I turned and looked at Kyle; he was teary-eyed too.  He said, "That's so sweet."  I felt sick to my stomach and said, "You thought that was sweet?!  It's disgusting!"

 And of course they couldn’t’ turn the video off after the baby was born; they just HAD to show us the birth of the placenta!  “Bloody tree roots” was all I could think of, and I think I silently cried myself to sleep for a week after seeing it, because I was scared to death to see it in real life!  Kyle tried to encourage me, and so did many other women… but I was terrified!  Then the teacher continued making me nauseous with stories of people stamping placentas on canvas in the 60s and making placenta stew, being the only meat a vegetarian can eat... uh, just thinking about it now makes me want to puke!  But I can also laugh at my inability to be a big kid about it all and just be fine with the fact that some of this brilliant, beautiful design God created is a little gross.  Or a lot, depending on how you want to think of it!

I went into the hospital 3 days after my due date in order to be induced.  My swelling and blood pressure had not gone down, even after all the bed rest, and  I had never had one contraction.  So the midwife thought it wouldn’t be best to keep Emersyn inside any longer.  She told me “There was a lot of baby inside there”, but she wanted to know how much baby.  So I had an ultrasound when we got there, and Emersyn was so big they couldn’t fit her on-screen.  They guessed she was about 11 pounds, give or take up to a pound and a half.  So in my mind, I thought, okay, so she’s like 9 ½ lbs!

After the doctor and midwife discussed it, the doctor suggested I do a scheduled c-section for the next morning.  I immediately agreed.  He responded calmly, “Well, it is a big decision.  If you want to try inducing and pushing, then we will support you in that.  I think we would end up doing an emergency c-section anyway, just from examining you and the size of the child.  But really, it is whatever you decide, we will try.  We could give you and your husband time to decide.”

I cut him off, without even looking at Kyle and said, “He’s fine with it.  We’ll take the c-section!”

Judge me if you want, but I didn’t end up seeing anything that day that I had been scared of!  Emersyn was even clean with a cute little hat the first time I saw her, which was only seconds after I heard her first cry!  And Emersyn turned out to be 10 lbs 10 oz, so I felt justified in my rash decision.  And now, looking back, I laugh at how hysterical I was with just the thought of vaginal birth.  It still haunts me to the point where I can’t read about labor, because it gives me nightmares… it really grosses me out!  But I can laugh at myself, too.  I know it is natural and normal, and usually in everyone else’s words “beautiful” and “miraculous”.  It doesn’t matter how your baby gets here; the moment you see your child all that other stuff doesn’t matter anymore.

 Yes, that is Emersyn being pulled out of my stomach... see, I love this picture.  But to someone else, it might be like the birthing video horror is to me.  Yes, that is my stomach being held back by the doctor and midwife's hands.  I'd say I'm sorry, but hey if every high school student has to watch "The Miracle of Life" video, and every pregnant woman has to watch someone birth a placenta, I thought I'd just add to the experience with what a c-section looks like.  Especially since it seems like having one is like being the black sheep in the family.  I am not ashamed at all of my c-section, and I am actually quite thankful to the nurse who captured this once-in-a-lifetime moment for me!


 And think of it this way, when Emersyn asks me someday where babies come from, I can honestly say that she came from my tummy!  I even have proof of it!

When I first saw Emersyn, it was like I recognized her.  In fact, I think I said, “I know you”… because I felt like I did.  That is the only way I can describe the feeling.  It was like I had seen her before, when obviously I hadn’t.  I don’t believe in 3D/4D ultrasounds (I personally feel like it is cheating), so I hadn’t even a glimpse of what she would look like… other than that blurry awful black and white fuzzy photo they give you of a profile halfway through pregnancy… but face-to-face, I felt like I knew this child’s face already.  I had never had a dream where I saw her face.  I’m not sure what it was, except that I recognized her from my soul.  You may feel that is dramatic, unless you have seen your child for the first time… and then you probably understand the depth of that moment.

And I’m sure it will be the same with our second child, a son, Keegan.  Even though my pregnancy with him has been completely opposite of what Emersyn’s was.  With him, I planned on getting pregnant in August, and I got pregnant in August!  Then I was car sick for 8 weeks straight – every day at noon, no matter what I ate, how much I ate, or when I ate… every day at noon for 8 weeks I felt like I had been riding a roller coaster with a full belly 20 times in a row!

And now, at almost 32 weeks, I haven’t gained 1/3 of the weight I did with Emersyn.  I also haven’t swelled at all.  My blood pressure has been perfect.  And bed rest hasn’t even been in our discussions, because I am doing so well.  Keegan is even measuring only a little above average, instead of in the 90+ percentile like Emersyn did!

I also have only had 3 dreams that were vivid and scary, and I‘m sure you want to know what they were about!  The first took place in my hometown at a town festival, and Keegan was about a year old (this was before I even knew I was having a boy).  He and I were holding hands and walking on an upstairs balcony.  The balcony started to fall, and as Keegan flew off, a man caught him below.  The second nightmare was much worse and graphic – I dreamed that Keegan stood up on my hip bones, like at a 90 degree angle!  It tore my stomach open, and all my guts poured out all over the floor!

And the third was even more disturbing, if you can imagine!  It was kind of an apocalyptic, post modern-day WWIII kind of dream where the government and all organized systems were obsolete… and everyone was killing each other to protect their possessions.  I secretly held school in an abandoned bus for children in the area… but people were starving, and they thought teaching the kids how to read and write and about history was a waste of time.  People were so desperate to die, that my own cousin begged me to stab her…

And when you wake up sweating and/or crying from dreams like this, you ask yourself ‘WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THAT COME FROM?!’  I don’t watch things like that or read books about things like that!  Why would having a baby inside my stomach make my mind play such random, crazy movies like that for my sleeping entertainment?!  Why can’t I have sweet dreams like kissing baby’s feet or playing in the park?!

But that question comes up a lot in pregnancy, "Why did God make it happen like this?!"  And the answer, of course, is probably somewhere along the lines of, "Because He wanted to, and He knows best."  He really does.   I know I have described some awful, even gross things, but it is still one of the most awe-inspiring processes on earth!  When you think about all the millions of things that must go exactly right at the right moment in the right place in order for a child to be conceived, grow and develop, and be born where everyone is healthy and whole and alive in the end... or, I guess, the beginning.  And most of the time, all those things happen just as they should - THAT truly is a miracle!  Every time it is something beautiful, and trying to wrap your brain around it should once again cause us to look to God with an admiration for how He coordinates and orchestrates things so perfectly...

Even though you might be deathly ill for 9 months, or end up holding a little hand connected to tubes in an ICU, or crying yourself to sleep for a week telling your husband, "I can't do what that woman did on that video!"  I probably could have, not because I am so awesome, but because God has brought so many women through deliveries that seemed hopeless and yet end up with everyone holding each other, crying tears of joy, and sending out mass texts with all-too-honest photos of sweaty, teary-eyed mamas, exhausted beyond belief but ecstatic beyond all measure holding what they know to be a true gift from the Lord.

So if you find yourself in a situation where the plus sign, or second line, pops up on a pregnancy test a little sooner than you had planned, especially if the plan was NEVER... have a good cry, and then get ready... because barrels of laughter are headed your way!  The arguments over whether to circumcise your son, the large mountain of stuff you don't really need that grows in your used-to-be home office, the hilarity of trying to put on shoes with a basketball-sized round belly in the way, the amount of stuff you have to start carrying with you everywhere you go, and it seems the one thing you leave at home is what you really needed for the trip, when you are holding the most beautiful person ever in your arms and all of a sudden they have a diaper blowout all over you - and you both have to change clothes down to your underwear... just learn to laugh at yourself and the situation.  Then bask in the crazy chaos that is truly the most powerful learning you will ever do, while you also do the most intentional teaching you will ever do!

Laugh hard, laugh often, and revel in the beauty of each moment, even if it is difficult at times to find some... Welcome to parenthood!

"Why Me?" - Age-Old Question with an Ancient of Days Answer

I have read "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen so many times that now I only listen to my favorite chapters on Kyle's ipod (he downloaded if for me so I would stop listening to the CDs in the CD player in the living room).  Now, this could be called an obsession, but since it is classical literature, I get to call it "being cultured".  And every time I read it or watch a movie version of the story, I am always baffled by how many times Lizzy is proposed to by men she doesn't want, and yet poor Jane and Charlotte wait and wait... and Charlotte just settles for one of Lizzie's rejections.  If I were Jane or Charlotte, when Lizzy would complain about being proposed to by men she can't stand, I know I would be tempted to think "At least someone wants you - why doesn't someone want me?"

It always makes me think of how some have so much of what someone else pines for... doesn't the world seem so imbalanced at times?  Why do some have several children while others can't conceive?  Why are some so lazy and wealthy while some work so hard to still be poor?  Why do some of my students get so spoiled rotten by their parents, while others get horribly neglected?  Why does the girl who wants to get married and have babies watch all her friends marry before she does?  That was my story, for sure, and I always asked "Why me?"

A little over a year ago, my father was in an accident while cutting down a dead tree.  As he was cutting, the tree twisted and started to fall, although he couldn't see in what direction.  He dropped his chainsaw and ran, unfortunately in the direction the tree fell.  It struck him from behind, and he landed on his face on the ground.  He suffered brain bleeding and swelling and so many fractures to his skull that they couldn't be counted...  And yet, my father is alive and well today.  You'd never know by meeting him that he had been through something so severe.

I can't tell you how many stories I have heard since from people who have had friends or family go through similar experiences with a much different outcome.  My mother recently spent time with a friend who lost her husband in a falling-tree accident, and how strange for two women to experience the same thing, yet one has her husband tonight while another does not.

When my mother told me about the pain her friend is going through, in my mind I tried to picture both women as they sat side-by-side and thought that either one could easily ask "Why me?"

Why does one lose a husband while the other only lost some sick days at work while her husband healed?

"Why me?" is a question that has been asked, I'm sure, as long as time on earth has been enjoyed or merely survived...

"Why am I the one who suffers?"

"Why am I the one who is blessed?"

And unfortunately, I rarely ask the second version of the question.  I am too vain, selfish, and jealous.  I envy others with things I want, things I may even think I need... I ask "Why me?"

Wouldn't it be just as easy for God to sell my house as He has for so many others I know?  Wouldn't it be just as easy for Him to drop a part-time job in my lap like He has done before?

But I'm sure there is someone, somewhere... and probably not as far away as I think that would look at my life and think, "Where is my loving husband?", "Why can't I get pregnant so easily?", "Why is my father dead, while hers is completely recovered?"...

"Why me?"

When one sister comes back from the hospital with ultrasound pictures of her first child while another sister is admitted into the hospital for another miscarriage... both could easily ask "Why me?"

"Why am I so blessed?"

"Why am I in so much pain?"

When one person must learn how to be content while another gets everything she desired.

When one child easily makes an A every time while the other struggles just to read and understand directions.

When a young man strikes it rich with an invention while another man is laid off after working at the same company for 27 years.

"Why me?"

I can't pretend to understand any of this either.  Even in scripture in places where it says, "God makes His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and unjust."

What?!  Why does God allow wicked and unjust people to enjoy sunshine?  Why do their crops also get rain?  Why don't they get the tornadoes while the good enjoy good weather and years of plenty?


The answer is so simple, but not easily understood.  Because in order to understand the answer, we have to understand God in His fullness... which we never could - at least not here on earth... but here is my attempt at understanding Him enough myself in order to explain Him... yeah, right.  Here it goes...

God is good.  Not just sometimes, but always.  And not just the kind of good that we settle for when describing ourselves.  God isn't good only when he compares Himself to others, although He is, but He also is the very definition, the essence, of true, pure goodness.  And He is always constant in His goodness, not just when He "feels like being or doing good".

God is also wise.  Not just a shallow wisdom, like you or I may have.  It isn't because He has experienced something and learned from it... He always knew and displayed wisdom.  And He still does.  He knows everything.  Not just like the stats or data of everything, but he KNOWS the depths, the everything about everything.  He understands everything He knows about.  He knows about everything unknown to anyone else.

God is also in control.  Now, this is probably the hardest part to be okay with as humans.  Yes, God has plans.  The Bible says that the plans are for our good AND for His glory.  And all of His plans get carried out.  Remember He is also good and wise, while He is also in control...  This also means that He can be in control without being controlling.

Now, I'm not sure that is easily explained, but it definitely is easily appreciated.  While He is powerful and sovereign so much that "in Him all things hold together", He is good and loving to allow us to make choices and be responsible for our lives... instead of being robots.

And SO many things in this world are a result of sin.  We live in a fallen world.  "Fallen" in the sense that it is not as it once was or was intended to be.  Sin has tainted so much of our world that it is impossible to imagine what the Garden of Eden must have really been like.  My instant reaction to hearing God is in control is, "If God is in control, why do people still sin?  Why do people still hurt?  Why do bad things still happen?"  And the simple answer is "sin".  Through sin, death and pain entered the world.  And it remains.  So does sin.

But it won't always remain.  There is an ultimate end for sin and death, and it is found in this great God.

And not everything is a direct result of our own sin.  Just as God allows the sun to shine on the wicked, the "good" suffer common hardships with the wicked.  If my father lives, it isn't because I have sinned less than someone else.  And if someone's father dies, it doesn't mean they have sinned more than me.

Because God is merciful and gracious.  While there is consequence of our sin overall - like eternity separated from Him in Hell, there isn't a one-to-one ratio for every wrong we do.  In fact, if I think of all the wrongs I have caused and compare that to how many wrongs I have suffered... I realize how incredibly blessed I am.  I realized how much more suffering I deserve.

And that isn't all... that is just scratching the surface of what He is and who He is... I could dig and chisel and shovel for the rest of my life at how awesome He is, and I'll never comprehend all of Him.

But the more I find out who He is, the more I realize I want to be more like Him and less like me.  I learn how good He has been to me, and He completely changes my perspective on things.

I know how much of a victim I am NOT when I see all that He has done for me.  When I look at others who have what I want, and even think I need, and want to say "Why me?", I am challenged to look at those who don't have what I do and think "Why me?" again.

Why would He forgive me?  Save me?  Heal me?  Restore my father's health?  Give me a loving husband?  Allow me to get pregnant so easily - twice?  Feed me?  Clothe me?  Warm my winter with sunshine?  Cool my summer with rain?  Love me?  Sing over me?  Give me rest?  Peace?  Comfort?  Strength?

And not just for today, but hope for tomorrow?

"Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are." - Casting Crowns

He has been good to me because He wants to be good to us.  And His goodness makes me want to tell others about Him.  His kindness makes me want to be kind.  And sometimes we can only know what goodness is when we have first seen what evil or sorrow is.  Sometimes I am so stubborn that I will not see His love until I have felt the hate of an enemy.  And how many lessons have I learned the hard way that wouldn't have been learned the easy one?  How could miracles happen, if there was never a need for one?

And an enemy I want to fight off for good is my flesh that cries out "Why me?" in self-pity or pain but never thinks to cry out "Why me?" when He lavishes on me so much good that I don't deserve.

I don't understand it all, probably not even most of it, but I am thankful to Him.  That I do know.  I don't have all of the answers, and sometimes I ask Him all the wrong questions!

"Why me?" is something I may never know.  And in light of who He is, "Why me?" matters less and less...

February 14th - Financial Fast February Halftime... oh and Valentine's Day

According to my newsfeed on Facebook, most people I know woke up on February 14th feeling slightly more romantic and generally "in love" with life!  I, too, woke up with a sense of loving ambition.  I made my daughter a pancake and a fried egg, both in the shape of a heart and served them with strawberry milk.  She gave her Daddy a self-made Valentine, opened a gift from her great-grandma, and opened several cards that came in the mail for her.  We all kissed goodbye and swooshed ourselves out the door - Emersyn had her hand-made Valentines in her bag for her babysitter and friends, and my bag was full of punch ingredients for my class' afternoon party.

But what I was really thinking about that day, more than the general good will of everyone at work, the dozen roses a student brought me, and the 8 boxes of chocolates I brought home as other gifts from students...was that the 14th of February is halfway through the month - the financial-fasting month!

Knowing that we are halfway through February is both a delightful and depressing thought.  Knowing that we have made it 2 full weeks without paying for convenience and seeing how much we can do without, we are definitely learning how much we think we NEED just isn't true!  And we even went on a day-long date last weekend on gift cards left over from Christmas!  We saw a movie, registered at BUY BUY BABY for Keegan, and ate seafood and cheesecake!  And our free sitters, my parents, were gracious to keep Emersyn for 2 days!

In the past week, we have also been blessed by little and big freebies!  I collected Valentine cards off the back of our Little Debbie's boxes.  We have been blessed to have a garage door donated from someone who was replacing his.  And when we learned that in order to enclose our carport as a garage, we would have to move our gas meter out of there, a friend volunteered to do part of the work free of charge.  Of course, we have money set aside for things needing to be done to the house, but the dear young man said he had been reading my blog and wanted to help out.  I, of course, was humiliated at first!  I always am when someone wants to help me.  I am so prideful at times, but I was also instantly nervous that perhaps people would think this blog was a way of asking for handouts.  I hope that isn't what this young man thought, or what anyone has been thinking.  My blog is just about us being transparent with our lives, and part of our lives right now is seeing how much self-control we can have in our spending.  I think anyone who knows me, knows that I don't like asking for help, and I am completely against manipulating people into doing things for me.

But I also need to remember that pride comes before a fall, and I have fallen many times in the past because I refused to take or ask for someone else's help.  So, I am learning to be thankful for coupons, free Valentine's on the back of Little Debbie's, someone else's junk being my treasure, and someone offering a free service to bless us.  I forget so often that God often chooses to correct us, encourage us, and bless us through others.  I don't mind doing that for others, so why should I be so puffed up as to be above what God has chosen to use in my life?!  It had just never occurred to me that by letting others know what challenges we face that someone would try to help us meet those challenges, and I hope it is clear that was never my intention.... and I pray it never would be... unless it was in the form of a house-buyer, heeheehee :)

These blessings and lessons have made this learning process so worth it, and I have been so proud of us.  I have been especially grateful that on days I feel run down and like my mind is gone, I have still been able to find motivation to cook dinner every night!  I even attempted Chicken Fried Steak last night from scratch!  And it was delicious, thank you very much Pioneer Woman (my first attempt at one of her recipes).  And I am appreciative that my husband has been coming home to eat during lunch breaks, when I know his coworkers are probably still going out just as often.


But just as great as all of that has been, I was also tempted to open every box of chocolates handed to me throughout Valentine's Day to devour them all with just the thought that we were only halfway - HALF WAY - through the month!  The thought called for a pint of Ben&Jerry's at least, if not also a large pasta dish from a restaurant, but thankfully, I didn't spend money on any of that, nor did I empty all the boxes of chocolates.  Not yet, anyway :)  But perhaps it really isn't the lack of spending money or lack of buying convenience that has me a little down in the dumps with this thought.  It is also the keeping our house sparkling clean and uncluttered every morning before leaving for work, just in case someone comes by to look at it.  I hate housework a lot more than I do not eating Italian food out, but thankfully I have a helpful husband, a mostly obedient daughter who helps pick up toys, and now a whole new batch of sweets to get me through due to the generosity of my students and their parents on Valentine's Day!

And just when my attitude was souring badly about all I've had to do, I was gently reminded about doing all things for the glory of God - everything, whether I am cooking, eating, cleaning, and even in waiting!

As a planner and "get it done" kind of person, waiting isn't, nor has it ever been, my forte.  Waiting for March 1st to come.  Waiting for someone to want to buy my house.  Waiting for the money to buy the house I want.  Waiting for the day when I can have the college students over without having to ask another couple if we can invade their home.  Waiting to find out about some part-time job possibilities for August.  Waiting for this baby to come... all of it equals learning.

So, the strong-willed version of myself wants to tell the big baby side of me to "Suck it up!"  I mean, February is over in 2 weeks - what is 2 weeks?!  Really?!  The house has only been on the market with the right price and the right square footage on the website for 2 days, and everyone who has seen a picture or come in has been impressed with how spacious it is on the inside, despite the small look of the exterior.  The Crosses have also been so generous to allow the college students to invade their home every Wednesday this semester, and we have all been blessed by it!  It is only February, and my goal of having a job lined up by April is still quite a ways off.  And there is no point in rushing this baby to come soon, since he needs more time to develop.  We also haven't made a space for him or even stocked up on a week's worth of clothing!

Waiting is a great discipline to learn.  And true learning is done hands-on and over time!

So this morning, post-Valentine's Day, we got up early and gave the house another thorough cleaning.  I borrowed a steam-cleaner and did all the original hardwood floors.  Kyle was a whirlwind, cleaning, decluttering, and doing dishes.  Emersyn watched a movie on the couch, and the poor child got reminded to stay put any time she let one of her feet hit the floor.  A man was coming to make a video for the house's online listing, and we finished cleaning much earlier than we thought we would.  So we bundled up and headed outside to play in the backyard!  Kyle raked leaves while Emersyn "played Mulan".  I just sat there, thinking, waiting.  I was pretty excited that Emersyn was content to finally be outside and off the couch for 2 hours.  But after all that time, the guy coming to film still hadn't arrived, and Emersyn started to ask for movies and food... so I broke down and drove us to McDonald's for food for her, a Dr. Pepper for me, and further distraction to preserve the cleanliness of the house...  And wouldn't you know that as soon as she got her shoes off to play in the playcenter, Kyle called to say that the video guy was finished and leaving.  Of course that would happen, because I just spent 8 dollars on food and soda, when I had promised myself that I wouldn't!  Another 20 minutes of waiting would have spared us the trip!

Oh well, we came home refreshed by our outing, Kyle was rewarded for all the raking he did with a large Dr. Pepper as well, and it felt nice to come home to a clean house!

Then two big surprises came after all these conflicted feelings came up - Kyle and I talked, and we think we want to actually try another financial fast in March since we will no longer be working on the house!  We came to the conclusion that we wanted to have another try to see what it would really be like to not have this major project going on at the same time as trying to abstain from spending.  Before, I wouldn't have dreamed that I would want to try this again next month, but soon after we brought it up we had easily agreed!

And then we got a call that someone was coming to look at the house tomorrow afternoon!!!  Yay!

So, "we will see" is all we can say.  It is all we should say, really.  We know that God's plans can't be thwarted, and in the scheme of eternity, $8 at McDonald's and the place we live, really won't matter.  All that lasts in this life to the next is a Christ-filled spirit.  How dreadfully far from perfect we are, but Christ continues to forgive, lead, and comfort our souls.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's Day, which Kyle accidentally called Thanksgiving.   But now that I think about it, giving thanks for those we love and who love us is exactly what we do!  So, Happy February Thanksgiving everyone!

Financial Fast February FAILURE!!!

Ever done a "financial fast" before?  Yeah, me either, because I like to spend money (see previous posts).  But this month my family is attempting one - to spend as little money as possible.

I sat down at the end of January with our computer (where I always do our monthly budget), bills, and the events/places we would have to attend, host, etc. in the month of February.  Why fast in February?  The honest answer is that it is the shortest month of the year, and it starts with an "F" which makes "Financial Fast February" sound a little more catchy, huh?

I also did an inventory of all the food in our house - from our refrigerator/freezer, cabinets, and deep freezer.  I tried building our monthly menu off of those foods.  I was amazed at how much food we have in our house!  We probably could have gotten through the entire month without buying any food, but we would be eating a lot of meat and not much else.  And I figured with 2 growing children in this house, that probably wasn't a balanced enough diet.  A normal financial fast suggests trying not to buy any groceries until you absolutely have no food left in your house, but I modified this part of the plan due to the need for nutritious meals for Emersyn and Keegan.  I was pleased that instead of spending our usual $350-$400 a month on groceries and household items, we got out of the store for $145!  Still a lot more than zero, but definitely less than half of our normal spending!  I have to admit, I felt like making myself a sticker chart as I swiped my debit card!

After paying all our bills, which are due on the first of each month, we had about $840 leftover.  I was shocked!  Now, some of that is Kyle's new salary for his new part-time job at the church, which I haven't put into our budget yet.  We have decided that until my contract is up at school, we would use his ministry salary to build our emergency fund, buy items we need for Keegan, and snowball debt.  The rest of this leftover money was money that we usually just waste on eating out, renting movies, and other things that I can't even think of - what do we spend money on?  I am very curious!  Since we like to pay for convenience so often, who knows upon what we probably "nickel and dime" ourselves to financial death!

Around this time, we also found a house that is for sale.  It is a foreclosure with minimal work required.  It is more than twice the size of our current home and twice the size of our yard.  In my last post I described how when we found it, we just knew this house was "it" for us.  Of course, I also described our struggle to hold it with open hands, while we pray our home sells quickly.

We went to the bank on January 31st, in between my 3-hour glucose test, and my afternoon ultrasound in order to get preapproved for buying the new house.  And we discussed pricing for our current house.  Then we went to lunch with our last $20 from January to celebrate our good credit and "the last meal" out.  We decided to go to Iguana, since that is where Kyle first asked me out, proposed, and they just have great food and drinks!  Kyle used to work there, so he knows pretty much everyone on staff and all the regular customers.  It is like a reunion every time we go in!  That day, the owner was in, and we got to chatting with her about the house we were hoping to buy.  After we told her where it was, she started describing the inside and said that her late husband, Gordy, had done all the tile work in the house.  This instantly made the house more desirable, and it took every fiber of our beings not to read into it as a sign that the house was ours!  Kyle and Gordy were close before Gordy passed away from cancer.  How awesome that the house we love had Gordy's handiwork on display?!  But it made it all the more difficult to hold it loosely.  We had to instantly preach to ourselves and each other about how we still have to be okay with God's will in the situation, no matter how much more desirable the house was now.

Then I went to my ultrasound that afternoon, which they said my part after insurance was over $200, but if I paid in full that day, I would only pay $200.  I was instantly depressed, because in my head I visualized a cash register cha-chinging, showing our leftover money going from $840 to $640.  Although, at the same time I thanked the Lord that this bill came during a time when I had the extra money!

That night, we knew that in order to put our house on the market, we needed to fix it up a little.  We had moved in before we put all the trim boards back in the house, and you know once you move in, you stop working on the house.  We decided to use some of the leftover money to pay for trim boards, paint, and new hardware for the kitchen cabinets.  We were sure to go and buy all our supplies on January 31st, so that we technically weren't spending the money in February.  We spent about $300, and again, my mental cash register cha-chinged... down to $340.

We spent all day Saturday, Sunday afternoon and evening - into early Monday morning, uncluttering our house, organizing storage, fixing up little things here and there, painting, putting in trim, new hardware, and cleaning like crazy people!  I went to bed Sunday night at midnight, and Kyle collapsed into bed around 2am!  I can't express the overwhelming gratitude in my heart when I got the phone call that school was cancelled Monday!  I woke up so sore, that I wanted to cry!  But my heating pad and some stretching helped a lot... and soon I was at it again!  I finished the cleaning, which took most of Monday in order to get the house ready for the realtor taking pictures of the house.  And then we got a call that the house was being shown Tuesday!  We hadn't even signed the official papers yet with a decided price, and someone already was going to look at the house!  I was so excited, until I got another call that school was cancelled Tuesday as well!  How in the world do you keep a house show-ready with an active toddler in it?!  We couldn't play outside.  We couldn't go out to eat.  So I decided we would go to the library!

Now, the public library is a wonderful place!  Em and I love to go see Miss Michelle, reading books, doing our own puppet shows, playing with legos, looking through movies and books to borrow!  Because of the weather and the library being under construction/reorganization, we were the only 2 in the children's department!  Emersyn loved how big and empty the place seemed, and I was glad we were going to be able to spend a lot of time at the library without making a mess at home, being out in the cold, or spending any money!  Again, I visualized giving myself another sticker on the chart...

Emersyn picked out a book and 3 movies.  We went to the counter to check them out, and I learned that we had a fine from movies we had returned late several months ago.  Only I would go somewhere for the specific purpose of not spending any money and end up having to pay a fine!  EPIC FAIL!  When I told Kyle, he jokingly said "Why didn't you just run out of there?!"  I laughed, because I'll be honest, it really had occurred to me!  But then I thought perhaps an unpaid fine might show up on my credit report, and there was no way I was going to let a little library fine keep me from buying our dream house!

Soon the realtor called and said that they were finished showing the house, and that we were free to go home and trash it again toddler-style!  So we took our newly borrowed library items, got in the car, and drove home slowly...

As we pulled up to the house, I loudly said, "CRAP!"  As I looked at the porch railing and realized I still hadn't taken down the Christmas snowflake lights!  All that work getting the inside clean, and there on the first thing you see on the house are Christmas lights - in February!  Then I realized that also means the lights are in our online pictures of the house that the realtor took!  I was feeling very much like a failure... visualizing someone taking my stickers off my chart...

Then on Wednesday, I was in charge of bringing salad to our college ministry meal.  I had everything already except toppings, so I stopped into Braums to buy bell peppers and shredded lettuce for taco salad... and the smell of bacon cheeseburger was almost more than this pregnant woman could stand!  I smelled it the moment I got out of my car, and the strong aroma hung, frozen in the air whispering to me in a creepy, yet alluring way, "You NEED a bacon cheeseburger... CHEEEEESEBURGER!"  I walked in quickly, grabbed the two pieces of produce I needed, and raced the smell's strength over to the checkout.  The sweet older woman that works the cash register was putting bananas on the shelves, and she warmly smiled and said "I'll be with you in just a moment, dear."  And that is when I looked past her and saw a man eating a double cheeseburger.  He was only about a third through it, and I could see the gooey cheese and piled toppings as he went to take another bite!  I quickly turned around, but my brain went into high gear... "It is only $6.  What is $6?  You haven't had a cheeseburger in a really long time.  Besides, it would be indulging in protein, and the doctor said trying to focus on protein in your diet.  It isn't like you'd be getting ice cream! No!  I can't spend the money!  I know it is only $6, but that is $6 I am not supposed to touch!  Besides we are going to have dinner in 2 hours!  There is meat and cheese in nachos!  You don't need a cheeseburger, Keisha.  Oh, hurry up lady and let me pay for this produce, so I can get out of here!  It smells so good in here!"  Thankfully the lady came over and at what seemed a much slower pace, checked out my 2 items.  I swiped my debit card, punched in my pin, and grabbed my bag!

And that moment of strength seemed to outweigh all my other failures so far this month!  If you've never been pregnant, this is definitely something that can't be explained, but if you have then you probably understand that the power of that smell and my craving were both so overpowering... I consider it a true miracle I made it out of there without buying 5 combo meals, let alone leaving with only a small bag of produce!

And all the previous stickers I had lost went back onto my mental chart!  1 February week down, 3 to go!

We've Come a Long Way... But This Seems Familiar...

I have been married for a little over 4 years and 3 months.  That isn't a super long time, I know, but it seems each year gets more and more eventful! Our first year of marriage was very calm. We didn't have that first year of fights that they warn you about. We had a routine that we loved but could go off track when we wanted... Without kids, marriage was so easy.

Not to say we are sorry we have Emersyn at all! We planned on having kids early in marriage and having many, pretty close together. And even after Emersyn was colicky for a while, I asked Kyle if he still wanted a lot of kids close together, and he responded enthusiastically "Oh yeah!" But with all the joy comes the lack of dull moments, that is for sure!

In order to afford having Emersyn while Kyle worked part-time and attended seminary, we put our house up for sale and bought a trailer. Getting rid of a mortgage payment would easily cover insurance and diapers and all other things "baby". But the house never sold, and we were faced with the decision of becoming landlords, renting out the house to cover the mortgage payment.

I am thankful for every day a renter lived in the house. That was another day my mind was free from financial fears. But then the mortgage company found out we weren't living in the house and that we were renting it out... I say "found out", but I told them. I sent them a change of address to make sure I got the bill at the trailer. I didn't realize we were going against the terms of the mortgage loan. They said we had to refinance, sell, or move back in. if we didn't they would consider it a default on the loan, even if we continued to make every payment. For 2 years I kept sending letters to the company asking for an extension, and they granted it each time. I am thankful for every person who read my letters to review our file and decided we needed more time - more time to sell the house, or save enough money to refinance, or just somehow get out of the mess.

This past July we got out of the mess by selling the trailer and moving back into the house... Yep, We have lived in this house before. I have now owned it for 9, almost 10 years! I still have such warm feelings for this house. I always will. A part of me was so excited to move back into it, because this was my first major purchase! This house made me a grown-up, and yet I have had childlike fun in it for almost a decade!

My best friend, Jessica, was my roommate for the first 5 years. We threw birthday parties, movies on the lawn parties, cookouts, watched tv on the roof, did dishes in the yard, camped out in tents in the front yard and were attacked by a friend in a gorilla suit at 1am! We had slumber parties with girls from the youth group, and international college students came over for breakfast at suppertime. We had a lot of fun in this house!

Then I married my other best friend, and this house is where Kyle and I came "home" for the first time on our wedding night. We had picnic suppers on Monday nights in the living room, watched the entire series of LOST about 3 times, fought over how to arrange furniture, remodeled the bathroom, and learned how to love each other! We have played chess, and I always lose. We have had friends over for dinner, and watched countless movies. We have prayed together every night and kissed goodbye every morning. I know what his truck sounds like as it pulls into this garage. We can walk this house in the pitch black of night without stubbing a toe. This has been our home for longer than just the 7 months we have been here this time.

But it is amazing how in just that short amount of time, life has drastically changed. When we moved here, we were not pregnant with our second child. Kyle was also not the College Minister at the church. So what seemed like a perfect, quaint fit for the 3 of us has quickly become an interesting challenge. How do we rearrange Emersyn's room to fit another kid - a baby and all the things that come with a baby?! How do we have 30+ college students over for game night, movie night, or any night, when this house maxes out at 10?!

For the one week we thought we were having twins, Kyle started house hunting online in his spare time. But we soon found out there was only one little boy in my tummy who could apparently be in 2 places at once! But the idea of a larger house wouldn't go away, and Kyle found 3 houses that were huge but low in price... Now we know there would be reasons for the low prices, but Kyle is a jack-of-all-trades. Seriously, I have seen him lay tile, tear down and build walls, wire electricity to a room, fix plumbing issues, build decks, hang shelves, and organize storage brilliantly!  So we thought it wouldn't hurt to see what kind of shape these 3 houses were in...

The first house had a lot of space. It didn't require a lot of work, all of it being things Kyle can do easily.  I liked it a lot! The second house had a lot of both as well, but the amount of work was just inconceivable! And it was pink! Absolutely not!!!

And then, the 3rd on! Kyle and I both fell in love. I have felt that way only about 4 or 5 other times in my life - you know, where you just know that it fits. I felt that way when I bought our current house. I looked at it once and told the realtor I wanted it. I felt that way about my car - drove it once and put a down payment on it. When I put my wedding dress on for the first time - I hadn't even seen it in the mirror yet - it was just me in the fitting room wearing it, and I said "This is it" out loud!

And of course when Kyle asked me to enter a courtship with him, it was the most "right" response I have ever had... A calm, but overjoyed "yes".

So Kyle and I found ourselves in a bank on Friday. We found out that we have really good credit, which was nice to know since I don't know if we have ever had it checked. And we have paid off enough debt that we also realized we could afford the mortgage payment for the larger house easily, even if I only work part-time next year like we were leaning towards!

But it is all contingent to our current home selling.

Isn't there always an "if" in life?

It is amazing when you find yourself wanting something so badly, and yet you know that you have no control over today, let alone tomorrow. A wise friend, Jamie, told me once that even up to the moment before I said "I do" that Kyle was not mine. She said I must "hold loosely" all things I want, because our ways are not God's ways. The goal of this life is not to be happy, but holy. Only God knows what is best for each of us to be sanctified throughout our lives.

Maybe His plan is that Kyle, myself, Emersyn, Keegan, and college student frequenters squeeze into this little house and live life together. I can predict already the kind of patience and forgiveness we will all have to practice on a daily basis. I am being stretched just thinking about it.

Or perhaps His plan is to orchestrate our house selling and us buying this larger house we desire so that He can open up our hearts even more as we open up our home to others more.

I'm sure He will WOW us either way with how good He is. He truly is all we need, and all the large living rooms and extra bedrooms in the whole world pale in comparison to His mighty love.

God is sovereign. "God has the right to exercise His will over my life" said A wise man named Doug. But we are also responsible. We are to work out our unearned salvation with fear and trembling. We are to check our motives in all things. And if we want our current house to sell, we have to prep it for showings!

My back aches as I type this from being on my hands and knees all day painting baseboards while trying not to get my pregnant belly in the paint! And the whole time I kept praying "Lord, whatever your will is, please make it mine too."

So whether we have 2 bedrooms or 4, 2 garages or 1... We know that The Lord has been good to us and always will be. It is His nature to care for His own. I do not want my fingers so tight around a dream that He has to break them to get me to let go and learn a hard lesson. My prayer is that our house will sell before the one we want does.  I pray that we will be able to have more space for these college students we love ministering to.

And I pray we will hold loosely all that is not ours, because it all belongs to the Lord.

And no matter what, these baseboards look good :)